Can I forgive DH in this unusual situation?

[BubbleFizz1]

I've never posted here before but I've seen such helpful support for others and now I'm hoping I can find that for myself. My DH and I have been together for nearly 17 truly happy years, married for 5. We have 3 DC aged 7 and under.

A few weeks ago my marriage was shaken in such an unforeseeable way. I found out that my DH and a long standing male friend/ex colleague have had a handful of sexual interactions over the last 10 years. This man joked about it to a mutual friend who told me. When confronted DH says it's been nothing more than a lingering fondle through clothes or underwear that became a 'running joke' and always happened when they were both heavily under the influence of alcohol (confirmed by friend). I've never been keen on said friend who cheats unashamedly and is known to have groped both other males and females inappropriately on nights out, but I'm not trying to minimise and DH has admitted that he initiated contact on 2 occasions. He insists there's no attraction on his part, there was no pleasure gained and that he's not bisexual. They no longer work together and the friend has moved away.

What are people's thoughts on this? Has he cheated on me? I love him with everything I have, he's been a model husband and father and ultimately want to stay with him but how do I begin to process the fact this has hurt me in a way I just never thought myself vulnerable to by him? I'm struggling to keep up the pretence that all is fine to family, friends and colleagues and how to communicate with DH after this. I know it's a very unusual situation but any advice is welcome. Thank you for reading.

Op, some of the responses on here are posters projecting their own anger at betrayal onto your situation, or their disapproval of laddish behaviour. If your husband wanted gay sex he would have had it. If you google joey Barton touched Huddleston you ll see a football grabbing another footballers cock. Forget it, by over reacting you’re damaging your marriage.please do not ask a list of questions, just laugh and accept a drunken joke for what it was.

I've been drunk with many female friends, I've slept in the same bed with them under the same covers, none have ever 'honked my boobs' or touched me down there, except one who actually ended up being a lesbian.

In afraid I'd be offering an ultimatum - either he tells you the truth about his sexuality or he gets the hell out.
Simple.

An ultimatum like that is pointless. It assumes that the truth is that he is gay/bi and has concealed it and therefore the marriage is dead. Or he gets kicked out anyway.

This clearly isn't drunken lads having a laugh. He's obviously got some suppressed sexual attraction towards men. No straight man repeatedly initiates and receives touching of genitals from another man. Add to the fact - he is supposed to be married. I commend him for how honestly he's answered to you. He's actually admitted it and confessed to initiating some of it. He denies being gay/bi. But he could be in denial himself. If your marriage is as good and solid as you say and you have young children together at least try to extrapolate the truth out of him in the calmest way you can. It might save you heartache years later. If he is hiding his sexuality these urges will never just disappear. Never. I really wish you the best of luck op.

'Men give the penis poke greeting, women have the boob honk.'

Not in the world I inhabit or circles I have ever moved in and believe me, I have been drunk in my life and done things that have caused me hours and hours of shame the following day.

‘’Boob Honk’’
😁😁😁
Any male or female who greeted me with one of those would find themselves stifling a nosebleed.

Men give the penis poke greeting, women have the boob honk

I think you might be confused as to what a penis poke is. It's not a lingering and repeated fondle of your mates cock.

"Men give the penis poke greeting, women have the boob honk. "

Hahahahaha no seriosuly this is not a thing. At least round here. No-one in my life has EVER greeted me with a "boob honk" and if they did I'd tell them to fuck off. I have also never seen this donne anywhere ever!

And I'm one on the thread saying for certain groups drunkenly getting off with your mates etc is normal

Helmetbymidnight Wed 28-Nov-18 14:17:03. Sorry for being abrupt- yeah you get an email, and I get my exciting email ring tone only to find it’s some sod from mumsnet

If you don’t like it, switch it off in YOUR settings, don’t expect everyone on MN not to use a function that’s there, just because you don’t like it.

No I can request people don’t use it. And most people don’t use it when they realise what it is.

Men give the penis poke greeting, women have the boob honk

No way. I have never experienced this or seen it ever. Boob honk, wtf? Just no!

I’ve been unfortunate to see the boob honking and penis poking greetings on several occasions, although I do try to avoid such situations.

It’s definitely a thing in rugby circles.

Sorry wanted to add that in your situation OP, I wouldn’t finish your marriage, if it was a few instances of penis grabbing. Although I would ask that he refrains from behaving like a 14 year old, in the future.

If it was 'standard' larking around then the friend wouldn't have mentioned it and it wouldn't have come back to you. Unless the friend has history for trying to stir up trouble?
No-one would have commented on this if it was in keeping with what everyone else in their circle does.
As for the PPs saying everyone penis pokes or boob honks - no they don't. It's normalising poor boundaries and inappropriate touching at best and minimising sexual assault at worst.

My questions would be

Would he do this infront of you?
If not- is it because he knows you wouldn’t like it because it crosses a boundary?
If he knows you wouldn’t like it, why does he continue to do it?

I have not read the whole thread but I would not over think this, tell you DH it's not to happen again and move on.

💐good luck

If he was grabbing a woman sexually would your reaction be any different?

I hope you get the answers you deserve op, you sound absolutely lovely and your world has been turned upside down in a short space of time.

Unfortunately, I agree with others who have said that they think there is much more to it.
10 years is a long time. How many "instances" have there been?

If it was all innocent and jokey then I doubt it would have been conversation worthy.
I hope I'm wrong

If everything else is fine in your marriage, he is open and honest and willing to repair this after your conversation, I truly would not end my marriage over it.
It is a really shit situation and it needs working through, and hard questions asked of him.

I am a single parent and you would be losing all the good things of the marriage because of drunk, male behaviour. The drunk, male behaviour needs to stop, not the marriage. Unless he is secretly gay, which does not seem to be the case.

How recent are these incidents? You say over the last ten years but when was the last one? We’re they jokes? Serious?

Oh yes, my friends are always grabbing my breasts for a quick honk

Wtf

Do you actually truly believe that this is a form of banter and he took no pleasure from it, even though he initiated it and that it never went any further?

Thats quite another level of naivete if so

Another thing I've thought op- why now? Is there any reason you can think why this has came to light now and not 5 years ago or last year etc, am wondering what the motives are behind it.

We had a good talk last night. I don't know the answers to all the questions that have been posed here and that are in my head and maybe I never will, but naively or not I've decided this isn't the end of our marriage. I don't feel cheated on but I do feel cheated out of the life I was blissfully living 2 weeks ago. It will take time but I'm going to work towards forgiveness because I don't think that our past or our future is worth throwing away over this. If there's a chance we can rebuild back to something like the last 17 years then it's worth the struggle.