Am I right to be really angry and upset by this?

[1981m]

Sometimes I feel I married the wrong person. I question if the signs were there before I married DH or he's just changed dramatically in the last 16 years since we met.

I feel like he's incredibly ungrateful, moody, has no get up and go and just gets at me.

He has a significant birthday coming up I surprised him recently with a trip away with his friends abroad to his best friend. 18 months planning and saving each month out my own money. Cost me about £2k. This was saving little amounts each month.

Unfortunately I didn't quite have as much as I would have liked to have for spending money so "borrowed ' £300 from our joint account thinking dh could pay that back out his own money and that would be his spending money. I managed to put £900 (£350 for accommodation) on a Pre-paid card. However, DH over spent when there so when I asked for the £300 he got really moody, saying he'd already spent £300 extra out his own account and shouldn't have to pay the £300. Moaning he's now broke and he's been screwed over.

I went mental, I am so upset at his attitude after how much effort and expense I went to to sort it out. I wanted it to be an epic trip and all I get is that attitude! Who's right?

To clarify- we have separate accounts we get the same money paid into each month to spend as we like. We then have a joint account which all bills go out of and wages go into for everything else.

I paid for the entire trip out my own money.

Well you decided how you spent your money and then how he spent his money.

It was a nice thought but it cost him. Would he have chosen to go himself?

If he really wanted to go why wouldn't he save himself? You don't get to dictate how others have to spend

Hard lesson learnt here. You can never do the right thing for him. You've probably seen this gift as the glue that might fix something that actually needs some rather strong nails.

I’m a bit lost. Did he spend the £300 from his account before he knew that he also “owed” the joint account £300. Is that the problem?

In general I think a gift shouldn’t cost the recipient anything so I’d have probably cut some corners elsewhere.

Name change- I Told him before we went what the budget was and how much was on the Pre-paid card. I told him I am afraid he needs to top it up by £300 which had come out our joint money. So he went and spent extra on his own card and is now cross I asked him for the £300 Back borrowed from the joint account.

It was a present for a big birthday. I knew it's something he'd always wanted to do. I had to go along with the costs his friends had booked with flights and hotel so the 6 of them could be together so didn't have control over saving in other areas.

I didn't do it to fix our marriage, I did because it was a big birthday, he hadn't been out to visit his best friend who lived in holiday place and I knew he'd always wanted to go. It's just highlights yet again some pretty horrible personality traits of his. I think he should suck up the money considering how much I saved each month being broke myself for him.

He would never bother saving up for it himself, he didn't even bother saving for my engagement ring.

Sorry I'm not with the other posters here. I think that is a terrible attitude to a very kind and thoughtful gift. Poor you OP. I think when tempers have settled you should sit down and have a proper chat about how it made you feel and how you are feeling in general. Good communication is the only way to get to the bottom of whether you still want to be in the relationship to begin with. Good luck

I think, in general, most people are less than thrilled if they get given a birthday gift and then are told they need to pay towards it.

OP - if after 16 years of marriage - you have these sort of issues - and talk about - mine / his money - and in such antagonistic way - I am sorry.
Something is definitely wrong.
What sort of partnership is this?

he is because you can;t invite someone and then expect them to pay out of their own money. In his eyes it would have been cheaper for him to stay at home.
I thinks it's just very hard for you to see this because you have poured a lot of thought and organisation into the trip which you did with the intention of it being a surprise. And boy was it for him. It's a bit like wedding invitations where they invite and yet ask guests to contribute to the venue.
I think you have different ideas on what you like and you need to listen to each other's expectations.

I find it really bizarre that 16 years in you have your money and his money. I woulld expect to be the person with the main say over what I do on my special birthday.

In the home highly unimaginable scenario where we did have separate money and my DH did book a trip without consulting me, yes I would be annoyed to have to pay for my own present. If that is what you mean, your living set up and post is not terribly clear.

Very badly thought out on all counts.

I'd be pretty annoyed if my partner had bought me a present, then told me I'd have to pay £300 towards it out of my own 'spends' money.
I do see that the thought of booking a lovely holiday was kind, but I'd have made damn sure I could pay for it, (explained to friends my budget and if it was going over, rein it in a bit.

This was your gift to him. The gift you decided to give and decided you could afford. He really can’t be held responsible for that.

But ! ... The gifts people buy often are a big clue as to what they actually want themselves. So maybe you want a big gesture and he isn’t that bothered.

You got carried away OP but in doing so I think you have revealed a difference in what you expect from each other. Also in how you manage your financial planning, saver v’s spender. He’s not going to be the person you want him to be unless you lower your expectations.

Nb if it helps, I still don’t understand the arrangement or why you came up with it. It’s very confusing. You told him he needed to top it up. He didn’t top up the card but used £300 from another account. So he contributed the £300 just not in the way he was told to. But what you really wanted him to do was pay £300 into the joint account to cover the cost of the prepaid card? Why not just give him a card worth £650 and explain he needs to cover anything else. Based on what you have written it’s not hard to see why he got it wrong and is annoyed it’s costing him £600.

If it were my dream holiday and my wife had saved for the majority of it , and explained we needed me to contribute £300, I’d have been totally cool with that.

I sympathise. One year I made a photo album for my OH. It took ages to collect together years' worth of photos, get them printed, arrange them etc. He picked up the album, complained that I hadn't labelled everything and put it back down again. He's never looked at it since.

As a bloke I think he's a selfish twat.If you had spent £100 on him then asked him to pay £50 towards his present then I might understand a little bemusement but £2000 is a fantastic gift .His attitude and the attitude of plenty of posters on here stinks.He doesn't deserve you.
Your his wife for Christs sake

If you choose to prioritise an ungrateful bugger then you also need to accept the consequences. This is who he is, after 16 years I’d expect you to accept it or move on.

Expecting an ungrateful person to be grateful, is futile. I can’t believe you put so much effort into this entitled man baby.

Do you earn the same and get the same surplus money?

He doesn’t sound very nice at all. Dh and I totally share all our money and I’m not working due to illness. I know not everyone is the same on that score. But not wanting to put £300 toward a present you’d saved ever so hard to give him sounds very selfish. I assume this isn’t something he’d ever do for you.

Stop rescuing him and treating him how you wish to be treated. It really isn’t working.

He does seem ungrateful. Assuming money isn't an issue for him then he shouldn't have been so churlish about it.

That's such a nice treat you organised for him I can't believe how ungrateful he is!!

He spent £600 of his own money on the birthday present you bought him?

I think he’s incredibly ungrateful. You put a lot of time and thought into this. He didn’t have to spend the extra £300. He boozed and ate that. You didn’t give him an unlimited budget but he behaved like that. He then moans at you for his overspending rather than being grateful to you for saving up £2000 in the first place! I’m guessing he’s never made the same effort back for you. I’m thinking you have two options 1) accept you are never going to get the emotions/behaviour you want from him. Stop trying and accept him for how he is but just don’t put yourself in any future position where this can happen again eg no more gifts 2) end the relationship and give yourself the chance to meet somebody who does respond to you with the emotions that you want/need

So you bought and paid for a dream trip to visit his best friend and even included a pre paid card for spending money. You explained that if he ran out of money, if he needs to he could take/ borrow £300 from your joint account, which he did, then he took more money from his own account? He then comes home and you ask him to replace the £300 from the joint account and he freaks out because he had to ‘add his own money’ to what you had saved for him in the pre paid card. Or otherwise he spent money on having a bloody great time whilst out there.

I personally think he is an entitled CF! Just because you bought and paid for his holiday doesn’t mean you need to fund every single drink, meal, etc that he decides to buy on holiday. I think your gift was more than generous! He sounds like an entitled brat! He knew how much spending money he had, he overspent that and chose to borrow money out of your joint account. He should offer to repay it.

He did contribute the £300 though didn’t he? You bought him a present and then said “oh by the way you need to put £300 into the joint account to pay for it?” And you think he’s unreasonable? No sorry you are.

Buying the present and then saying btw there may be some extra costs which you’ll have to cover would be one thing, but buying the present and then telling him he needed to pay £300 of it back is where you went wrong.