Am I right to be really angry and upset by this?

[1981m]

Sometimes I feel I married the wrong person. I question if the signs were there before I married DH or he's just changed dramatically in the last 16 years since we met.

I feel like he's incredibly ungrateful, moody, has no get up and go and just gets at me.

He has a significant birthday coming up I surprised him recently with a trip away with his friends abroad to his best friend. 18 months planning and saving each month out my own money. Cost me about £2k. This was saving little amounts each month.

Unfortunately I didn't quite have as much as I would have liked to have for spending money so "borrowed ' £300 from our joint account thinking dh could pay that back out his own money and that would be his spending money. I managed to put £900 (£350 for accommodation) on a Pre-paid card. However, DH over spent when there so when I asked for the £300 he got really moody, saying he'd already spent £300 extra out his own account and shouldn't have to pay the £300. Moaning he's now broke and he's been screwed over.

I went mental, I am so upset at his attitude after how much effort and expense I went to to sort it out. I wanted it to be an epic trip and all I get is that attitude! Who's right?

Yes Quartz that's right. He didn't listen and started spending on his own card instead of using the pre-paid card. I don't understand why he did that, money was sitting there and he used his own money. I think he misunderstood what I said and didn't remember how much was on the Pre-paid card. I told him he needed to keep x back to pay for the hotel so not to spend it all so he says he was conscious of that. He actually has a little bit of money left on the Pre-paid card we need to get back.

His friends arranged the actual hotel etc and weren't very good at communicating budget. I kept asking and they were vague. I thought I d save enough in time but unfortunately didn't. So I thought he wouldn't mind using a bit of his own money as spending money (£300) it's a trip he's always wanted to do and said years ago that's what he d like to do for this big birthday. I wasn't expecting him to spend any extra money on his card but he does always overspend.

£300 doesn't mean we will struggle to pay bills in our joint account, it does mean he would probably be overdrawn I his own account for a few months. I genuinely thought he wouldn't care as he's often overdrawn.

He says he's worked hard to get back into the black to buy something nice for me and the kids for Christmas and now feels he can't. Obviously I didn't know this. All Christmas presents come out the joint account except our presents to each other.

I wanted it to be a big surprise so couldn't ask him about all this

But you had no right to decide what he did with his personal spends. Don't you get that? That's the point of having the set up the way you do. And tbh if you did that to me I'd be spitting mad. How dare you decide what i spend my personal allowance on. It's one thing saying years ago what he'd like to have done for the big birthday ,another thing altogether when the reality hits and you're not working, he's the only earner and you have a 3 year old.

I honestly think you're to blame - I would hate a surprise for my birthday that cost me £300 (much less £600) AND put me in the overdraft for a few months. No no no no.

Spending £2.6k on this was irresponsible given the financial circumstances.

YABVU to be a SAHM when your DH doesn't want to be the sole earner.

It is not OK to make that decision - to SAH and then continue to SAH until DC goes to school - unilaterally.

He didn't know about the holiday, I suggested it to his group of friends as several of them have the same significant birthday this year. He has always wanted to go to this place, plus his best friend lives there and he hasn't been to visit him yet. It's not a holiday he didn't want! It was a surprise so couldn't Pre ask him if he was ok with the money.

We could afford it but unfortunately the budget did go over what I had intended as two of his friends took over the organising and didn't keep me updated on the budget so I found at the end I didn't have enough. In hindsight I think I should have booked his so I had more control of the budget but they kept me out the loop.

DH is a spender, but spends his money very differently to me. He fritters it away on rubbish and then wonders where it's gone. He's always overdrawn in his own account. I would save for something I really want, a holiday, a go without for it. I am rarely overdrawn and don't buy it if I can't pay for it.

Yes mrsm- in hindsight that would have been much better.

But you do buy things you can't pay for.

You bought this holiday and it took money from your husband's personal spends to do it, and moreover, you're not working so you buy things you didn't earn the money to pay for every day.

Why have you not looked for another job, given that your husband isn't happy with the unilateral decision you made? What if he decided he didn't like his job tomorrow and wanted to jack it in and sit at home with the 3 year old and then study after that before going back to work in about 3 or 4 years? Would you live on fresh air?

We can afford it ok for me not to work without too many cut backs. We worked our finances out before We made the decision and I would have carried on work if we hadn't been able to afford it. I told him I was unhappy in my job, worked out finances if I didn't work and he agreed I could have a break. I am hoping to have a complete career change. We paid off our mortgage with an inheritance to relieve the pressure of me not working/studying and things being bit up and down with his own business.

He's very stressed with his own business and me working was also putting more pressure on him as he needed to do school/nursery runs etc but at the same time I think he resents that I don't work and finds it a burden being the main earner. Which is another reason we paid the mortgage off to ease that pressure. He talks about me Going back full time but when I point out that if I did he'd have to do xy and z he retracts that. Me not working does mean he can completely forces on his business and I do everything else as he says he hasn't got the head space for both but he doesn't appreciate that.

My studying would be a year max as it's a post graduate and then back to earning. By then dd in school with ds so outgoings very much reduced.

OP. You need to take some responsibility here. If not all, then at least for the £300 deficit. You are trying to avoid blame by piling it on him. It’s immature and frankly manipulative. You seem to make high handed decisions then expect him to deal with the consequences. That is pay for them. Trying owning it and try sorting it out rather than point scoring.

The family finances sound shot to pieces by what you have done. But quite honestly they sound that anyway. You drop a wage but haven’t changed the spending patterns or the money management. You both sound deluded. Either £300 is a big deal or it isn’t.

You both need to get a grip of them and stop this silly spending. You could not afford a £2k gift. As in you didn’t have enough money for it and had to borrow from essential family finances. That means it wasn’t affordable for you. He is spending too much as well.

Clear your overdrafts and reduce personal spends, the £2k should have been in savings. Stop having overdrafts on personal accounts that are for luxuries and no more personal credit. You don’t need it and can’t afford to pay it.

OP you and your DP need to sort out finances - the way it is at the moment clearly isnt working and you shouldn't have spent that much money

No lemon, not correct as outlined above. The £300 was out our Everyday finances not savings. We have savings but agreed they are solely for the house. Now we have no mortgage the money we would pay for that goes straight into savings if we don't have extra things to spend on that month. 99% of the time we save something.

Anyway, this isn't about finances, it's about DHs ungrateful attitude and how upset I am about his words. Yes, I mis-read the situation and genuinely thought he wouldn't mind about the extra spending money seeing as how much I had spent and how it was a trip of a lifetime. He's usually overdrawn so didn't think he'd care. He's cross because he spent £300 of his own money instead of money on the Pre-paid card?

Your communication over the pre paid card was confusing as anything. The whole finances need a discussion and honestly I think you need to go back to work. Your oh isn’t happy carrying all the financial load and I can’t say I blame him.

I would be ungrateful if you had done that to me. Sorry. I’d be angry and upset and very very ungrateful.

So he keeps bringing up the issue of you going back to work. But backs down when you apply your logic. If it is anything like the nonsensical, manipulative self affirming posts on here, then of course he backs down. Because it’s impossible to reason with someone who doesn’t take responsibility and constantly shifts blame.

The holiday was your idea and your decision. The decision to take money from the joint budget and put it on a gift card is yours. The financial difficulty for the family budget is down to you. The mistake over the loan you took out and he has to pay, it’s down to how you explained it.

If he is often overdrawn, then no, you cannot afford it.

If he is so often overdrawn, what made you believe he would even have £300 let alone £600.

The way you was speaking I presumed you have money to waste/spare, but the very fact of being overdrawn means you do not have enough money for what you're spending it on.

In that case, I would agree that you were in the wrong to arrange something like this. Especially as you said you arranged it with his friends as your idea, but then lost all control of what the costs were by letting the friends arrange the hotels.

I don't see how you believe this has nothing to do with finances as it's about the money he had to spend and now he's no longer in the black or able to afford what he wanted to buy for Christmas.

I think it's not just him who has trouble communicating or listening.

I think you should pay back the £300 that you borrowed from the joint account, not him.

Ok, but it's done so there's no point in getting upset about it.

It seems there are communication problems in your relationship. I think, if I were you, I'd sit down for a proper chat sometime and discuss what happened, how you felt and how to proceed. No accusations, no anger, just try and get some mutual understanding.

You're not listening to what I am saying. I am not being manipulative, I point out the practical things that he doesn't think about. He recognised them and realised he would have more piled on his plate if I Went back full time. His job means I can't reply on him long term for any childcare, he's often away, works late, has last minute deadlines. He tells me he only has the head space for work and nothing else but wants me to go back to work but can't be relied on for any childcare. Makes me a bit stuck don't you think? I thought it would help reduce his stress in some ways but I guess adds to it in other ways because all depends on him for money. It's a tricky situation. I actually would like him to Just Have a 9-5 job which eases his stress and takes the pressure off our family which his business puts on in lots of areas of our life not just financially. I ve told him we would cut back and manage, we re lucky enough to have another income from elsewhere. He can't let go of his business and puts massive pressure on the family in more ways than money.

It's very difficult for me to just magic up a job which works around a 5 and 3 yo. My old job did that to an extend but he had to pick up the school run which added more stress as he's disorganised. We can afford for me not to work so we made the decision I wouldn't stay in a job which was fundamentally making me unhappy.

I know I am very lucky to have the option- but I don't want to work full time again whilst kids at school. I want to be there for drop off/picks ups/volunteering/activities etc. If we can afford that, which we can, I would like to do that. I am not going to not work long term but will go back part-time and decide my own hours.

You are being incredibly selfish. You could get after school care. Wrap around. there are other options.

Mr- yes I think we need to do that too. His own account is the only one ever overdrawn on. I don't have any control of it so that's why.

We don't communicate well that is true. We have these chats, we discuss options, finances etc but decisions don't seem to be made and acted upon. He agrees on things and then doesn't follow through. Whereas I feel I do. It's very frustrating.

The bigger issue is his job and has huge consequences on so many parts of our life. The stress of it leads to anxiety in him and health problems. I want to talk about him leaving, which we ve done many times before.

I think op this has saved you do much money.

No need to buy him anymore than a bar of chocolate for any birthday or celebration ever again.

Keep your money and don’t bother thinking about what he would like ever again.

I'm sure there's loads more going on than just this holiday. It sounds like he's not a good husband in many ways. I don't know what to suggest, but is there anyone you can talk to in real life who will be a sympathetic ear? It's sounds like you could use some support.