Am I right to be really angry and upset by this?

[1981m]

Sometimes I feel I married the wrong person. I question if the signs were there before I married DH or he's just changed dramatically in the last 16 years since we met.

I feel like he's incredibly ungrateful, moody, has no get up and go and just gets at me.

He has a significant birthday coming up I surprised him recently with a trip away with his friends abroad to his best friend. 18 months planning and saving each month out my own money. Cost me about £2k. This was saving little amounts each month.

Unfortunately I didn't quite have as much as I would have liked to have for spending money so "borrowed ' £300 from our joint account thinking dh could pay that back out his own money and that would be his spending money. I managed to put £900 (£350 for accommodation) on a Pre-paid card. However, DH over spent when there so when I asked for the £300 he got really moody, saying he'd already spent £300 extra out his own account and shouldn't have to pay the £300. Moaning he's now broke and he's been screwed over.

I went mental, I am so upset at his attitude after how much effort and expense I went to to sort it out. I wanted it to be an epic trip and all I get is that attitude! Who's right?

It’s a lovely gesture but I wouldn’t be happy being told that I needed to repay £300 of it without that being agreed in advance. If all this has been agreed at the beginning then fine but I think I would be a bit perplexed being handed a gift and then being told that I owe the joint account money towards it.

A thing to note is that some people aren’t keen on surprises and therefore may react in odd ways when presented with something like this. It can make some people feel out of control and without choices. Read ‘The Five Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman. We all express our love in different ways and one person’s idea of a fabulous gesture isn’t always another’s...just depends on what is important to that individual.

I totally understand your disappointment OP...you were doing something lovely and something you, yourself, would have appreciated. Therein lies the issue!

So you wasn't on the holiday at all, even after spending 2K on it all and all the planning? It was just him and his friends?

And all you asked was he use some of his own money if he overspent on the prepaid card you also gave him for spending money?

Sorry if I have it wrong, that's what I've taken from what you've written.

And I'm guessing he had a great time with his friend?
If this is so I agree that he seems very ungrateful, and while you may not like to receive a present you have to pay money towards, if it's a great holiday and experience, I wouldn't mind at all putting some money in if it meant someone had bought me a 2K holiday.

A question, what kind of effort does he go to when it's your birthday?

Its a curious way to write about the joint account not paying him the right money. The joint account doesn’t actually do any thinking. Did you transfer the wrong amount?

Shit happens, mistakes are made, good relationships weather them. But you did present it to sound like him just happily pissing away extra money on holiday - and I don’t now think that was quite the situation.

@MudCity my husband would never surprise me like this - he knows I’d hate it! Not having the chance to look forward to it, not being able to budget the spends... I’d also feel guilty about spending so much money and be cross that it was already committed (flight paid, accommodation owed...)

It was a nice gesture OP, but for me as a recipient, not as nice as you think!

I still wouldn’t be moody though. But I would at a polite point ask you not to do it again!

You should have listened to the alarm bells regarding the engagement ring...
Nasty fucker.
Him not you obviously!

So this boils down to;

His friends were going on a holiday together that you thought he'd like; but he showed no interest towards because he lacks motivation.

You booked it as a surprise and paid £2k; slowly because you're not working at the moment and he's already nervous about this.

You gave it to him and told him that £300 had been taken from the joint account and he'd need to pay that back. The joint account then accidentally paid him his usual £300; which meant he had £600 from it, which he spent.

He now needs to pay £600 the month before Christmas as the sole earner.

Is that right?

I'm with him a bit here; it was a lovely idea but you couldn't afford to do it and the grandness of the gesture is removed if the recipient is forced into payments they maybe wouldn't have chosen to do; or can't really afford.

It also doesn't sound like your marriage is in the place for grand gestures. You don't sound like you're a team at all. Are you making plans to leave? Dragging this out until you're earning for yourself again will set a horrible example for your daughter if things are already this strained.

I'm going to read The Five Love Languages myself - it might explain some things for me as well. Thanks @MudCity

To clarify- we have separate accounts we get the same money paid into each month to spend as we like. We then have a joint account which all bills go out of and wages go into for everything else.

I paid for the entire trip out my own money.

When I read this I thought you were working. I think you’ve been quite clever in how you’ve worded it to make it sound like you’re earning.

Lbasicallyhe paid 2k for a holiday plus another 600 for a holiday he didn’t want and wouldn’t have chosen.

And you “told” him to top it up by £300. So he had no choice. Not fair really.

@woollyheart my husband found it a fun and useful exercise!

He’s all about acts of service - fixed a broken handle for me the other day, and though I appreciate it, honestly I just think “well I’d have done it tonight”.

I’m more about gifts. I spent £5 more on a bottle of wine than he would usually spend. He appreciated it, but honestly he thinks - “this is nicer, but the cheaper one is fine”.

Fortunately for both of us these are our second strongest ‘languages’ - we’re both way out in front on ‘physical affection’.

But if we weren’t... I can see that he’d feel I didn’t care about all the little things he does, and I’d feel unappreciated that the token thoughtful gifts didn’t make him swoon.

Unless you have an independent income that doesn't derive from him, it seems odd to say that is your money that you spent.

If it all comes out of his income originally, he will see that he had to earn the money, and you spent it in a way that he wouldn't.

Perhaps while you are not earning, you should consider making gifts yourself or limiting how much you spend. So that it really appears to come from you and not as a gift that he really had to pay for himself.

However, on the engagement ring, I agree with you. If he has such precise ideas on finance, he should have been able to see paying for your ring as his responsibility and as representing his investment in the relationship.

@Ellisandra

That sounds intriguing!

Already from what you say, my (relatively new) husband would fall into doing acts of service model. This is a very new thing for me to experience.

I am probably (like you) more into giving thoughtful gifts.

I have had some trouble getting him to think of giving gifts as a worthwhile activity. This is probably why.

OP said she saved for 18 months, and it sounds like she was working for the first 9 of those.
And if it was a joint decision that she stay home with their 3yo then even if the money was earned by him, I think it’s perfectly fair to consider it her savings. It’s her that had less from her spending money.

But OP needs to be aware of how it could feel to him - especially if he’s already unfair that she isn’t earning.

If I were bought a trip as a gift I would never expect the gifter to pay for my spending money when there!

Why does these "grand gestures" so often seem to be made by people who can't really afford them to people who don't really want them/appreciate them?

Why not write off repayment to joint account, it will only cost you half of it. Did you go as well? This trip has cost him £600! I get why he's pissed off but also he is miserable git if he had nice time.
Agree different styles of showing love, can grate after a while, anyone gets on your nerves if you spend enough time with them. Is he a bit depressed?
To posters that only have family money, that's up to you, other ways of organising suit others better. Alvin Hall is good on this.

Just so diddl, I learnt my lesson years ago with DH. The amount of time and money I spent on his gifts wasn't appreciated because he didn't understand it, it wasn't how his mind worked.

I mirror his gift giving now , no resentment any more.

bit confused by this
he might not even have wanted the holiday as a gift

it's easy to say "that looks fun" but doesn't mean you actually want to go.

so possibly he's been given a gift that he doesn't want, has the hassle of going and has to part pay?

Surely if you borrowed the money from the joint account, it's up to you to pay it back? You can't spend someone else's allowance without their consent - it's their money to choose how to spend.

You would have been better off putting £300 less on the prepaid card for spends, and saying to him that if he wanted to spend more, he'd have to fund it himself, which would have been much clearer and upfront. I don't really understand why you didn't do that?

I wouldn't be happy if I was him TBH. I'm an adult who makes my own choices about how I spend my money, and I would really object to someone else spending my money for me.

Mrsm has articulated what I was struggling to.

YOU decided what he had to spend his allowance on this month. For a trip he didn’t know about didn’t want and wouldn’t have gone on.

That’s not fair, especially given that he’s the only one working and he’s now hundreds down the month before Christmas.

The decision to leave her job wasn’t jointly made. She says he resents it. So they are off page on that. If someone financially reliant on me made a decision to stop work, I would want a big say. Throw in a decision to study for 3-4 years and I would be livid. That’s a cost to family, reduced time and no income. We can debate the benefits or costs of SAHP and adult education, but it is not a solo decisin in these circumstances.

I don’t think the OPs arrangements for the prepaid card were clear or easy to follow. The husband made a genuine mistake and the family is down £600. That’s money they can’t afford at Christmas.

The OP couldn’t afford a £2k present. The family couldn’t afford a £2k present. He had already decided not to go and not to use his money on it.

She didn’t say he did not pay for the engagement ring. She said he didn’t save for it. That is different. Maybe he got her a £300 ring.

This family is facing financial difficulties. That will cause stress and tension. Distilling it all down, I think the OPs big gesture is at the root of it. It adds to an existing picture of potential financial strain caused by the OPs decision to quit work.

I don’t think I would muster much gratitude for a holiday I had already decided to forgo that placed us further into financial strain. But a least he is trying after the initial argument. It’s the OP not seeing her role in this that I find odd. She’s also trying to manipulate our response with the drip feed and things half said.

I don’t think this is a viable relationship and just hope some adult behaviour can prevail for the sake of the child.

"I would really object to someone else spending my money for me."

I think that's probably the key issue.

I can see it from the pov that he got a holiday for "only" £300, but given the choice, that might not have been what he would have spent it on.

But the again I don't "get" these gestures tbh.

I don't either diddl. I wouldn't ever book a 2k holiday for someone with effectively their own money and expect them to be grateful. That's a bit weird.

What's wrong with dinner out and a bottle of wine?

Unfortunately I didn't quite have as much as I would have liked to have for spending money so "borrowed ' £300 from our joint account thinking dh could pay that back out his own money

You borrowed the money from the joint account and didn't ask him. Why should he have to pay back money he had no say in being taken? He wasn't consulted about the £300, it was taken without his consent, why should he have to pay it back?

we have separate accounts we get the same money paid into each month to spend as we like. We then have a joint account which all bills go out of and wages go into for everything else.

Except that this money you decided how he was spending his money, so he couldn't spend it as he liked. And the only wages going in at the moment are his.

I paid for the entire trip out my own money.

Whilst technically, this might be true in that it all came out of your personal allowance money, since he's the only one earning he paid for all of it that came from January on.