Am I right to be really angry and upset by this?

[1981m]

Sometimes I feel I married the wrong person. I question if the signs were there before I married DH or he's just changed dramatically in the last 16 years since we met.

I feel like he's incredibly ungrateful, moody, has no get up and go and just gets at me.

He has a significant birthday coming up I surprised him recently with a trip away with his friends abroad to his best friend. 18 months planning and saving each month out my own money. Cost me about £2k. This was saving little amounts each month.

Unfortunately I didn't quite have as much as I would have liked to have for spending money so "borrowed ' £300 from our joint account thinking dh could pay that back out his own money and that would be his spending money. I managed to put £900 (£350 for accommodation) on a Pre-paid card. However, DH over spent when there so when I asked for the £300 he got really moody, saying he'd already spent £300 extra out his own account and shouldn't have to pay the £300. Moaning he's now broke and he's been screwed over.

I went mental, I am so upset at his attitude after how much effort and expense I went to to sort it out. I wanted it to be an epic trip and all I get is that attitude! Who's right?

Did you also factor in his loss of income, being self employed, due to an additional holiday. You said he is time poor, so maybe that’s another factor that made him cross

It is a normal human reaction to be cross after you find out that you are £600 in the hole due to somebody else. Add in Christmas and loss of income. It wasn’t happy days for him. I am sure he showed appreciation for the gift at the time. But this is a different situation.

Why can’t you take somebody being cross with you? I mean even if your heckles go up for a bit, most mature adults can get over it. Turning to a forum that is very sympathetic to you so you can lobby support for your upset is telling me you don’t like being in the wrong. Not one bit. You are still doing the “he does, he did” routine.

Finally I didn’t say the £300 came from savings, not even close. I am well aware it was conjured out of the ether. I said the £2k, really £1.7k, should be in savings. Or least paying off an overdraft and credit card bill.

I could, but then it's pointless financially me working as my job was freelance. I went back after having dd and had two lots of childcare to pay. I earnt £20 per day after paying that. Lots of stress on everyone for no financial gain.

The extra hours outside the free nursery hours for my dd and then after school club for ds would not be worth it financially. I position many people find themselves in. Hence why I am waiting until dd starts school in sept when it's much more financially viable. Of course I would do it if we were really struggling financially.

I have also had to put on hold what I really wanted to study as it was full time and 1 hour drive away everyday and would take 3-4 years to do. I knew DH would not be able to pick up the childcare to cover this for me and I would hardly see the kids. I have chosen a course that totally fits around dcs and DH (although he would have to do two pick ups a week) You have me all wrong.

Why can't you freelance part time?

Op did his friends pay their share or did you pay for all of them to go? How many of them went? Did you go on the trip as well?

I think you overstretched the budget which was a serious error of judgement. He sounds like an ungrateful arse.

I think you are getting a rough time here op. In hindsight maybe you shouldn’t have expected dh to pay the £300, but on the other hand you’ve just spend 2k, if which you could have spent on yourself, on a wonderful surprise for him.

Just look at it this way, Christmas will be a doddle, pair of socks and he’s done

With regards to you going back to work, that’s something you need to work out with him. You could both go part time, you could not work, he could not work, you could both go back full time, he could take on childcare etc etc, lots of alternatives.

He tries to be a good DH I know he does. He's just sent me a lovely message apologising and telling me how he feels- which is rare for him. Made me cry at the gym! But he does fall short in several ways and I think I do too. Communication is not good and I do find him selfish and thoughtless and ungrateful at times. He says what most people would probably think and get on with it.

It's not my fault he is £600 short. He was £300 short but chose to overspend by £300 using his own money rather than stick to the budget on the Pre-paid card. There's no way I could have foreseen he would do that.

Forgotmycoat op didn’t overstretch the budget. She didn’t have any input about the budget as someone else booked it.

Only on mumsnet would the op get berated and told to go back to work on a thread like this. Normally it’s ‘ohh it’s all family money’, op is staying home with the kids, that in itself is a full time job etc etc but now it’s people saying it’s ‘his money’, ‘he’s paid for his own gift’.

We ve discussed all those situations with work. Another reason we paid the mortgage off, giving him the opportunity to work part time and perhaps do some freelance work. He feels the business would literally collapse if he wasn't there full time, he brings in all the new business. It's at a make or break situation but feel like it might make or break us and him before that.

"There's no way I could have foreseen he would do that."

Well to be fair you probably could if if "fritters" money away & is often overdrawn.

Why did you spend so much on him for a bday?

Innocent- I will be once dd goes to school in sept. I wasn't making any money when I did it before, I wasn't happy in the area I was in and it was a lot of hard work on DH too so little gain. I wanted to have a final year before dd goes to school with her. I won't get this time back. I wanted to work out what the hell I would do work wise as I have done the same job since leaving uni and was unhappy. I was lost with what direction to take.

Diddi- it was a trip to the US that's how much it costs! It was his dream trip he's always talked about going. I wanted to do something amazing for him as I know he works hard, is stressed and needs a break. I didn't go, there were 6 of them. 5 from UK, 1 already there.

He is in debt personally (which is your debt too no matter how you slice the finances), he is stressed and overworked. He is bad with money, spending rather than saving. Have you any idea what his business finances are like?

I think you really need to clear up whether he showed gratitude for the present at the time because the whole post reads like he never did. I can’t beleive that. I think he did but is now upset over the financial hole you put him in. That’s two different things.

But in any case a holiday, which they have to pay for, to somebody who is time poor and in debt was not well thought out. There’s a reason why he didn’t make plans to go.

How much spending money did he have on the card in all?

I think it's obvious he would overspend, as you said he is often overdrawn and he doesn't even know where the money has gone, even the most careful person can go way over budget on holiday, and he's on holiday with all of his male friends. There was clearly going to be a lot of spending on drinks and things.

Ridiculous! What an ungrateful person. He just doesn't sound like he was grateful at all! You saved all that money so thoughtful. I wouldn't bother next time just go low key. I understand how you deal with the money as I had a similar set up with my ex own accounts, joint accounts and it worked well. If my partner paid all that money and I overspent and moaned about it I would cringe he sounds awful.

Lemon- I didn't know he was personally overdrawn. I started planning/saving the trip 18 months ago so impossible to know what his own finances would be like when the trip came about. By the time I realised I was short I had committed to it, flights and accommodation all booked, flights paid for. I was committed.

No he was grateful at the time and had a fab time. He said he wouldn't have wanted a gift instead as you can't buy experiences. It was his attitude when I asked if he would transfer the £300 back to the joint. It was very ungrateful and upsetting. Saying he'd been screwed over when he had a wonderful holiday I had just paid for.

Bethy- £900 which £350 was for accommodation. Plus around $100 cash left over from family holiday I had kept for his trip. I guess it wasn't enough. They did an expensive special experience which I am unsure if his friends paid for or him. I was not told they would be doing it.

He also got a lovely gift for me as a thank you which he said was expensive and things for the kids. Again, he overspent because of that. Whilst the gift was move I would rather he had just not overspent.

You can’t say you would rather he didn’t overspend when you had to borrow money from the joint account. That means you overspent on the gift.

You acknowledge he has shown lots of gratitude so that is not the issue yet you have let that view hold on this post.

It is contradictory to say he always overspends but that you didn’t know he would be overspent.

No PP has said this is a family money not family money issue. It is the OP who has flitted between the two approaches when it suits her. This is the confusing issue for us and for him. She’s doesn’t explain it well either.

OP you have described somebody suffering from workplace stress. Not the healthy kind but the very unhealthy kind. It is consistent and will not get any better. The spending & the holiday are all going to increase that. This is not a good situation and you need to pull back from the silly need to not be in the wrong. Your husband has a serious health issue. If you want to help him, you can’t carry on like this. But you don’t have to help him, so you can always leave. But that would mean sacrifices for you own ambitions.

Yes but OP you overspent on the gift

It is about finances you are both spending money you dont have. You are both making compromises but it isnt making either of you happy

Position seems to be as follows.

You have a home you own outright but no savings and some debts.

You’re currently financially dependent on his earnings. And plan to continue to be until DC starts school, then do full time study for a year - who will pay for the fees and childcare to enable that?

He wants you to WoH, now, but is seemingly unwilling to manage his working life to do a fair share of parenting and domestic work. And you have seemingly decided to remain AH and limit yourself, in future, to work that fits around school hours and holidays. Which will reduce your personal earnings and pension.

If you break up in future, which seems a risk given the relationship problems, he could minimise his child and any spousal maintenance payments.

I think the sum of it is, in this argument you are both to blame.

£650 for a trip to the US with his male friends is not a lot at all. What with drinks and food and any things they wanted to do, it would always be more.

It was a reaction from him that was human, to suddenly find yourself £600 down without planning or expectation, any human would be annoyed and it doesn't mean he is ungrateful.

Personally, I don't think you should have done it as a surprise, it still would have been an amazing present, but then you could have both talked through budgets and expectations and he could have had a say on the budget with his friends.

In a way, I do wonder if this huge gesture was done because there are other cracks elsewhere in the relationship. It's a huge gesture to spend that much money, especially as it didn't include you or the family.
Why do you both struggle with communication? Why is he working so many hours and always away, if he's stressed, can he take a different job that makes your home life better?

" Whilst the gift was move I would rather he had just not overspent."

But that applies to you too.

By your criteria my husband also deserves such a trip-but it can't be afforded!

That's what I really mean-why do it when you couldn't afford it?

I'm sorry op but I think yabu. If my dh spent 2k on a trip that we couldn't afford and then I had to add in £600 just before Xmas I'd be very unhappy.
He did overspend but maybe he felt he had to because he already there with friends and couldn't be the only one not taking part in the activities or meals etc.
I really think you need to have a discussion about finances and you working. I have a highly stressful job that often means I don't come home till late and it leaves me drained, my husband does more childcare and chores because we are a partnership. A couple of my friends do sleeping nights caring for people who might need personal care during the night. Often they don't and sleep right through but they are paid to be on call in the people's homes. They go out to work after bedtime and it means they can do childcare while the other person does day work. Would something like that be an option in the short term?

Your posts are irritatingly misleading - unfairly so.

First you didn’t share the information that you’re not currently working or planning to for some time, which is relevant to his reaction.

But now it turns out that he actually was perfectly grateful, thanked you for the holiday gift, and brought you and the children presents back.

It was only later when you dropped on him that you’d screwed up the money and he now had to pay for part of his own present, that he wasn’t happy.

You gave the impression in your OP that he’d been moody and ungrateful all along.

I don’t think you’re being at all fair to him in your selective reporting.