Am I right to be really angry and upset by this?

[1981m]

Sometimes I feel I married the wrong person. I question if the signs were there before I married DH or he's just changed dramatically in the last 16 years since we met.

I feel like he's incredibly ungrateful, moody, has no get up and go and just gets at me.

He has a significant birthday coming up I surprised him recently with a trip away with his friends abroad to his best friend. 18 months planning and saving each month out my own money. Cost me about £2k. This was saving little amounts each month.

Unfortunately I didn't quite have as much as I would have liked to have for spending money so "borrowed ' £300 from our joint account thinking dh could pay that back out his own money and that would be his spending money. I managed to put £900 (£350 for accommodation) on a Pre-paid card. However, DH over spent when there so when I asked for the £300 he got really moody, saying he'd already spent £300 extra out his own account and shouldn't have to pay the £300. Moaning he's now broke and he's been screwed over.

I went mental, I am so upset at his attitude after how much effort and expense I went to to sort it out. I wanted it to be an epic trip and all I get is that attitude! Who's right?

The issue is, that if my partner dropped on me that I had to find £300 for something, I would struggle.

And yes I would be pissed off. I can't just produce that amount of money out of thin air.

I think what you did was lovely. Most people would've been absolutely over the moon with what you managed to organise and save for and be so grateful.

He sounds miserable. I'm not sure I would be making the effort to change him, I think you should consider moving on if you're unhappy.

Wow that's awful.

I do think yabu to say happy birthday, you owe 300 quid to the joint account. He seems a bit ungrateful though. You did put a lot of thought and effort in.

I notice you say he didn't save for your engagement ring. Did you buy your own? Engagement rings are not essential of course. But everyone I know where the wife/gf has bought her own ring seems to have a one sided relationship with a twat

You say you always had doubts about DH, still do, and sound unhappy in your relationship. Perhaps it’s time to call it a day?

Given the circumstances it was unwise to spend so much money on him. He didn’t respond in the way you’d hoped - which seems to have reminded you of your upset and anger about his behaviour in your relationship in general - and you sound resentful. £2,000 is an awful lot of money. whatever you decide about the relationship, save money for yourself next time.

I don’t think it was fair to ask him to cough up £300 towards a birthday surprise trip that he had no idea about and wasn’t expecting to have to contribute to. Dh and I would both be annoyed in that situation- but I guess it also depends on your income. £300 to us is three weeks food budget - to others it might be like asking to cough up £20.

If you're on similar incomes and it took 18 months for you to save 2k, And it meant you were broke, And he had to find 300£ (did he have several months to do so?) then I can see his point. Although I still don't follow 100% how much he needed to pay back

What is his attitude to money? Personally I wouldn't appreciate a lot of money being spent on me as a gift from a partner if they were doing so to the extent they felt "broke". I would sort it myself if it was something I really wanted, or have previously discussed it. Because I'm quite anxious with money.

Unfortunately you took a risk and it didn't pay off. He is BU to not he remotely thankful at least for the sentiment, though.

I don't think it's odd you have separate money if you have no kids and similar incomes. Make a sense not to over complicate financial matters especially of you have different attitudes to spending etc.

he didn't even bother saving for my engagement ring

This struck a chord with me because my husband did the same. He got me to pay for it on my credit card and said he’d pay me back. He never did.

So would everyone here who has criticised the need for him to contribute £300 behave the same?

What rude self absorbed behaviour! Knowing how hard the OP has worked and how she had gone without to pay for a trip that she isn’t even going on!

OP, unfortunately his behaviour around his fantastic gift is a crystallised picture of who he is and what his attitude to you is.

Focus on your own life and making yourself happy. Whatever you do you can’t change him and how he behaves, so just change how you love your own life. Save and enjoy the things YOU want to do, and get out there and enjoy them.

YABU, you cat gift a present and then say the person needs to pay themselves for part of it. id be cross too with that.

It sounds like this was arranged with his mates who decided the cost and budget. OP almost but not quite managed to save to pay for it for him.

He is a massive arse.

He wasn’t that bothered about going - you know that, as he has no get up and go, as you put it.
You earn the same so he could also have saved - but he didn’t, he didn’t care enough to. So he was never going to appreciate this.

I’d bin him off. What does he bring to your life? TBH, I’d not be impressed by suddenly finding I needed to use savings - but I’d keep that to myself. But it’s not about this one event - he’s moody, ungrateful and boring. Life’s too short for that.

He's a cheeky fucker! You have tried to do a really nice thing and he has thrown it in your face. He could have not gone if he wanted literally zero expense of his own but he chose to go and is STILL FUCKING MOANING.

Unless you leave him he will always be a whinging moaning cheeky fucker OP. It's a binary decision but it would be a monster fat no from me the size of Ayrshire. Life is short.

Beanbag lady- yes I think his attitude has once again just highlighted aspects of his personality I don't like. He says I can be distant and not loving at times and this is exactly why. There are parts of him I just don't like. The more he behaves like this the more distant I become.

Yes, I totally agree, I probably aren't getting back what I want from him. I try to be thoughtful and he's thoughtless. I do want him to be more thoughtful and do a grand jester so did that for him.

Not sure how our money situation is relevant but right now I am not working. I was very unhappy in my job and left last jan. I have a 3 yo so I am looking after her. Once she goes to school I will return to study then work. I think DH is resentful of this as he has a stressful job and doesn't see my contribution of doing everything else valuable.

In hindsight I guess I should have just given him the money I had saved on the Pre-paid card and then said that's the budget anything else top up yourself. The problem occurred when he began spending on his own card rather than the charge card.

I can see how he got confused I guess. I wrote down how much was on the Pre-paid card for him and then said £300 was from
The joint account which he would need to pay back. He says he thought I meant he had £300 of his own money out his own account to spend. This is a big problem though, he goes into his own world and simply doesn't listen. I can see where the confusion arose but his attitude of being grumpy and saying he's been screwed over was really horrible.

I don't think having a joint account for everything and then individual fun money for our own accounts is unusual.

The complication was that the joint accidentally paid him the normal amount of fun money he gets, rather than taking the £300 off as I had planned. So I asked for that back. If he d just been paid the lower amount it might not have happened.

DH says he wants to apologise but words it so he's not mulling it over all day rather than because he's sorry.

What an ungrateful prick. I would be furious if my DH reacted in the same way. Time to reevaluate your marriage and decide if it's time to move on without him.

So his birthday present cost him £600 in total, the £300 you asked him to repay the joint account, and an additional £300 that he ended up spending?

That's a lot of money to be asked to find without any notice, particularly if it was a trip he wasn't that bothered about making.

Did you go with him?

Ok, you're not working and you have a three-year-old, why on earth are you spending all your savings? It's just crazy and irresponsible. I get that it's a nice thing to do, but it's just so excessive. Why not just get him a card and a nice meal out somewhere like most people would?

Could his 'screwed over' comment have come out of sheer stress and panic, I would certainly be stressed and panicked if I had to find an unexpected £600. I would also be thinking it was a daft waste of money and wishing you hadn't done it, sorry.

"If it were my dream holiday and my wife had saved for the majority of it , and explained we needed me to contribute £300, I’d have been totally cool with that."

yy to this.

He overspent the agreed amount and then got cross because you didn't just fork out for that too. He is really rude.

Ouch - that’s an important dripfeed!
You said you were earning the same - but actually you haven’t been earning for a year, and don’t plan to for s good while yet (2-5 years? If waiting for a 3yo to start school and then study first...)

And there was genuine confusion about the money available not reckless over spending?

He’s still an arse, it was a lovely thing for you to do. As I said before - I’d keep my feelings to myself, but I’d be pissed off about the money too.

Am I right in thinking you didnt go?

So you organised all of this with his friends, ran out of spending money from your own account so used 300 of the joint account and he still spent more money (on booze)

Not excusing him being arsey, but it does sound like he's freaking out about the overspending. He might have felt a lot of pressure from his friends to overspend and is now really panicking about how to make ends meet, especially just before Christmas.

I know you don't think the money aspect is important, but I think you should consider whether overspending is a real problem in your relationship.

Him being upset about wasting money isn't necessarily being ungrateful.

You’re not working.

You have a 3 year old.

And he had to pay hundreds towards his present?

Wouldn’t be happy with that. A gift is a gift and if you couldn’t afford the trip then you should have kept the money and got him something cheaper.

You have no money. You aren’t earning. I would be stressed if I was him.

Your money situation is relevant because it makes a huge difference if £300 is an amount that can easily be taken out of savings without huge repercussions or if finding £300 means you will have trouble paying current bills.

If he is now having trouble paying his bills, he will be annoyed of course.

It does sound as if he is resentful that you are no longer earning - was he part of this decision?

You can arrange your finances any way you like, but it sounds very separate for a family with a child. That will always make it complex to arrange things like this. Maybe he doesn't trust you with money because you confuse him by having all these separate pots of money. Or maybe you have all these complicated financial arrangements because you are living beyond your means and he doesn't trust you to keep within limits.

As a family, the amount you spent on the surprise is huge. You shouldn't be spending this if as a family you can't afford it.

If you can afford it as a family, then he is ungrateful and mean, and you are right.

I cant see how being expected to provide some, not all, of his own spending money means that he was contributing towards his own present. The OP paid for the travel and accommodation. That is a fantastic gift and then put some cash on a charge card for spending on top.

The problem seems to have arisen over the fact that some of the spending money came out of the joint account. It might have been better to just give the travel and accommodation as the gift and let him sort his own spending money.