Problems with my mum, she makes my skin crawl!

[AintNobodyHereButUsRavens]

I know I know, what an awful thing to say! But hear me out and bear with me, this will probably be quite long.

My mum is very full on with the grandchildren, I have a 7yr old DD and a 6mo DS. It's lovely that my mum loves them as much as she does, she told me shortly after my son was born that she gets that 'huge rush of love and emotion' when she gets a new grandchild, you know, the same 'rush' you get when you give birth? She visits about once a week and the whole time she's here she is constantly like "Can I cuddle DS? Come to Grandma!" And I mean constantly, if she's not not holding him she's begging to cuddle him. And even if he's asleep she's like "Can I cuddle him now? I promise I won't wake him and even if he does wake up, he'll go back to sleep. Babies always sleep on me."

But with my 7yr old she is just as bad if not worse, all through her visit she is like "Can I have a cuddle with my GD? Grandma wants a cuddle with her GD! Awww pleeeease! I haven't seen you for aaaages and I'm really sad now WAAAAAAAAAAA Don't you love me??? Grandma's missed you soooo much! Oh can't I have a cuddle my little GD??" She alternates between begging my DD for cuddles, and begging me to give her DS for cuddles. She does get to hold and cuddle him a lot but he prefers to roll around on the floor than to be held all the time. And DD seems to get very annoyed by the constant begging and very rarely gives in to the demands.

When I was 14 I got pregnant and my mum emotionally manipulated me into aborting, even though I didn't want to. She told me that she would not support me if I kept the baby, that she had done her time with babies and that she was not prepared to have another one in the house, so I would have to move out and live with my boyfriend and his family. I was 14, absolutely terrified and very vulnerable, I felt like I needed her to be there for me and she pushed and pushed me into aborting. She didn't force me to do it, but she did force me to make the decision to do it.

It turns my stomach that she can be so OTT loving towards her living GC, yet did everything she could to make sure the very first one was eliminated. That was 13yrs ago and recently I've started to resent her more and more for her behaviour back then, I actually feel like I don't even like her at all now.

My parents are separated and my dad said that she is the most selfish person he has ever known and I can really see his POV. When I was very heavily pregnant and overdue, she got really upset with me because I had to ask her not to turn up to my house unannounced when I was in the middle of cooking tea, and demand I go outside to stand there and talk to her through her car window. There are many, many more examples of her selfish behaviour, too many to even think of actually.

She pestering me to go out to lunch twice next week and I just can't bear the thought of it. I managed not to see her last week so I know she'll be relentless in her pestering tomorrow.

I know what I've written down probably seems quite petty, but it's so much worse IRL.

No doubt the 'Well at least you have a mum" brigade will be out so have at it, tell me what a horrible daughter I am for saying that my own mother makes my skin crawl because she loves her grandchildren so much.

Well you need to seperate the issues op

In reality how could you have coped as a 14 year old mother. How would your child have been brought up. It's unlikely social services would have let you keep your child so your mother would have had to raise the child or it would have had to be adopted.

Try to seperate put your guilt here from that episode to your mother now.

Ignore your father, quite frankly he's being a total shit bad mouthing your mother to you, that's a shit parent thing to do. Even if they have split up you don't do that to a kid.

So what's left, your mother being clingy and trying to be involved, maybe she senses your reticence, your feelings and she's trying to push herself into your life, maybe she is selfish, but I don't understand why you had to go and speak to her in her car, why she couldn't come in.

Don't blame your mum for what happened when you were 14. I think many mothers, myself included, would have done similar when faced with a pregnant child.

Have you had counselling.about the abortion you had? It's a stressful event at any age, but 14 even more so.

It sounds like your mother has not fundamentally altered since your own childhood. She has no real concept of boundaries either with your own self, your children and infact anyone else for that matter. Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you would not and your mother is no different. Such women as well do not love their grandchildren in the usual sense either, they want to use them as tools or such like to get back at the what they see as their "errant" daughter. You probably feel that you do not really have a life of your own.

It is not your fault she is like this, you did not make her that way. her own parents did that (btw what if anything do you know about her own family background).

I would also make myself and your children far less available to her going forward along with you putting in place higher, firmer and more consistently applied boundaries. If she turns up at your house do not let her in. Do not go out to lunch with her next week either; repeat as necessary no that does not work for me.

Do you have siblings, if so how do they get on or not with her?.

I would post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages and seek further counsel there. I can certainly see why your dad has stated that his ex wife i.e. your mother here is so selfish. She certainly is that and self absorbed to boot.

She's just needy. Your DD is at the age where she doesn't want to be cuddled all the time. Is your DM getting a bit - how do I put this delicately - mentally unsound?

Totally don't agree with bluntness. There's no reason social services would have made you give up a child just because of your age.

How can you disagree, I'm actually genuinely curious, how can a fourteen year old raise a child alone unless they go into care?

Well obviously it would have been extremely difficult being a 14yo mum but of course SS would have let me keep my baby Same as they do to any other teenage mum!

I didn't have counselling, I don't recall being offered any to be honest. Maybe I was and turned it down? I can't remember properly, it was a long time ago. It was horrific rather than stressful. It was a medical abortion so I knew when I passed the fetus, the nurses told me not to look into the toilet whenever I went but of course I did

My mum had a fairly normal upbringing, her parents were a little strict but not overly so. I do have siblings, an older half brother (different dad) who lived with his dad from age 5 so mum isn't quite as close to him as she is to me and my older sister (both same parents). My sister is fully aware of mums behaviour but accepts it as it's "just the way she is".

My grandma (mums mum) is wonderful, she is the most lovely and generous person I know, mum said she was a bit strict when she was a child but in typical grandparent style, she's always been fairly laid back towards us grandchildren. I never knew my grandad, he died before I was born.

Bluntness I said that my mum told me I would have to go and live with my then-boyfriend and his family. Not move out and live on my own!

So your sister realises too that her mother is not a nice person. She is also not ready and perhaps equally unable to deal with her yet if at all.

Do you mean senile? No, I don't think so. From what I recall from my own childhood she's always been fairly needy and cuddly, it got a lot worse after my dad left though, she cried nonstop for about a year (maybe not that long but I was only 10, it seemed a very long time anyway) and was always crying into mine and my sisters shoulders. She's only 58 so a bit young for Dementia I suppose.

I think we are cross posting. And I genuinely am stunned at rhe answers, I really don't know how a 14 year old can raise and care for a child on their own or with another 14 year old without family financial and emotional support ie the grandparent raising them.

People are posting like it's totally normal, just a bit hard for a 14 year old to have a baby, but I have to be honest, I'd probably have done the same thing if my daughter came home pregnant at 14. I can't lie about that. I simply don't think a 14 year old is emotionally or financially equipped to parent.

Having a medical abortion must have been so traumatic, I'm sorry you had to go through that and didn't have any support from your mum or counselling.
It's sad that you didn't get to make the decision for yourself.
Your mum sounds rubbish I'm not surprised she makes your skin crawl.

That would make my skin crawl too, no doubt about it. It is not loving towards your children, love involves respecting the beloved's wishes. She is not doing that with either you or your dc. It seems to be entirely about her. It's a performance, not genuine love, in my view.

Having my mum on top of me and my kids like this would have been unbearable to me. Im afraid i don't really know how id tackle it other than by being 'busy' all the time, which probably isn't a long term solution - others will have more informed suggestions. But definitely don't feel bad about finding her behaviour unbearable. It's a perfectly reasonable reaction

How involved was your father with you after the split op? Your mother was clearly devastated, but did he financially support you? Did he have equal custody? Why was there no option of living with him?

I'm not trying to defend your mothers wider behaviour, but I am trying to dig down into why you blame her for the abortion, and not your father, your partner at the time.

That should say not your father or your partner at rhe time.

Bluntness are you deliberately misreading my posts? She said I would have to go live with my boyfriend and his family so they would have supported me. I wouldn't have been on my own!

I suspect a lot of this is about the termination, could you talk calmly with your mum about this? Not in an accusatory way but more about how sad you feel about it. It wouldn’t have been an easy situation for her either, and she probably panicked. I bet she would be mortified to know how you feel.

Pp is right your dad should keep out of it and stop bad mouthing your mum.

Your mum probably feels guilty about the past and is trying to build a close relationship with you and her grandchildren now.

It’s not weird by the way to get a huge rush of love for grandchildren or to want to hold and cuddle them. You might be a Grandma one day bear that in mind.

Bluntness!! There are many young teens with their DC, why wouldn't there be. They can be equally as good at being DMS, and a damned sight better than some
You would have dgc put into care and forced any dd of yours to have an abortion!

I think the OP is telling you what that does, and other recently posted about similar horrific attitudes and the devastating consequences inflicted upon young girls psychologically.

Back to OP, your DM is behaving very childishly, do you get cross with her she literally 'pesters, your DC like this. Just tell her to pack it in and grow up!! If she doesnt take any notice of you, well you know what she's thinks of you, either that, or as pp said, maybe she is going through something herself,but she still needs to be aware that what she's doing is pressurising your DC and its very unhealthy

As I read it, it was your DM that forced you hand? What's this about the father and df? Its not their choice!!

Op, no I'm not, and I'm not trying to offend you, just make you think.

So,if you could have live with your partner and his parents and had your baby, why did you chose not to? Who would have cared for the child when you were at school, had his parents agreed to do this? Who was going to pay to support the baby? His parents? Was this agreed? If so why did you elect not to go this route? What support did your father offer?

Again, I'm just trying to make you think though what your mother is being blamed for becayse I also suspect this is the root cause of your problems with her today.

Clearly the threat worked, and that's what it was a threat to remove OP from her own family home and reject her, the most powerful there is, and sadly it worked, how cruel

I didn't see my dad very often, he moved out and straight in with an OW, then when he split up with her, he went to live on the boat that he and mum bought (an ancient, rotten, stinky, rotten, mouldy, tiny and rotten sailing yacht. Did I mention it was rotten?) and lived there for a few years until he and new partner (who he is still with 16yrs later) bought a bigger boat together. I only saw him sporadically over the years and I don't know about child maintenance. There was probably none. To this day he still doesn't know that I ever got pregnant, he is very short tempered and mum really didn't want to have to tell him. Possibly another reason she pushed me to abort? In fact none of my family know except my sister.

58 isn't too young at all, OP. Remember Terry Pratchett? I don't think he wanted to cuddle people though!

It amazes me that supposedly sane and normal adults can never see anything wrong with their fathers who disappear but they do not ever have a decent word to say for the mother who remained with the DCs and continued to bring them up while father does his own thing.
Mothers may not be the perfect being but at least they are there with the DCs

Ok so your father went awol after cheating and left your mother as a devastated single mum for the other woman . She was then faced with you being pregnant at 14.

If you had had this baby, and she'd been supportive, how do you think it would have worked? Babies are expensive and hard work. You know this. I woildnt have wished to raise another baby in your mothers circumstances, and I'd have not been convinced my daughter at 14 could have coped.

I think this is maybe what's driving both your behaviour. It's the elephant in the room, you blame her and she's trying to cling to you.

Can you seek help or this, to help you work through your emotions? It's a hellava thing at any age, never mind at 14.