Problems with my mum, she makes my skin crawl!

[AintNobodyHereButUsRavens]

I know I know, what an awful thing to say! But hear me out and bear with me, this will probably be quite long.

My mum is very full on with the grandchildren, I have a 7yr old DD and a 6mo DS. It's lovely that my mum loves them as much as she does, she told me shortly after my son was born that she gets that 'huge rush of love and emotion' when she gets a new grandchild, you know, the same 'rush' you get when you give birth? She visits about once a week and the whole time she's here she is constantly like "Can I cuddle DS? Come to Grandma!" And I mean constantly, if she's not not holding him she's begging to cuddle him. And even if he's asleep she's like "Can I cuddle him now? I promise I won't wake him and even if he does wake up, he'll go back to sleep. Babies always sleep on me."

But with my 7yr old she is just as bad if not worse, all through her visit she is like "Can I have a cuddle with my GD? Grandma wants a cuddle with her GD! Awww pleeeease! I haven't seen you for aaaages and I'm really sad now WAAAAAAAAAAA Don't you love me??? Grandma's missed you soooo much! Oh can't I have a cuddle my little GD??" She alternates between begging my DD for cuddles, and begging me to give her DS for cuddles. She does get to hold and cuddle him a lot but he prefers to roll around on the floor than to be held all the time. And DD seems to get very annoyed by the constant begging and very rarely gives in to the demands.

When I was 14 I got pregnant and my mum emotionally manipulated me into aborting, even though I didn't want to. She told me that she would not support me if I kept the baby, that she had done her time with babies and that she was not prepared to have another one in the house, so I would have to move out and live with my boyfriend and his family. I was 14, absolutely terrified and very vulnerable, I felt like I needed her to be there for me and she pushed and pushed me into aborting. She didn't force me to do it, but she did force me to make the decision to do it.

It turns my stomach that she can be so OTT loving towards her living GC, yet did everything she could to make sure the very first one was eliminated. That was 13yrs ago and recently I've started to resent her more and more for her behaviour back then, I actually feel like I don't even like her at all now.

My parents are separated and my dad said that she is the most selfish person he has ever known and I can really see his POV. When I was very heavily pregnant and overdue, she got really upset with me because I had to ask her not to turn up to my house unannounced when I was in the middle of cooking tea, and demand I go outside to stand there and talk to her through her car window. There are many, many more examples of her selfish behaviour, too many to even think of actually.

She pestering me to go out to lunch twice next week and I just can't bear the thought of it. I managed not to see her last week so I know she'll be relentless in her pestering tomorrow.

I know what I've written down probably seems quite petty, but it's so much worse IRL.

No doubt the 'Well at least you have a mum" brigade will be out so have at it, tell me what a horrible daughter I am for saying that my own mother makes my skin crawl because she loves her grandchildren so much.

The OP is not in the headspace to agree that having a baby at 14 would have been impractical though. I totally understand her feeling the perceived hypocrisy of her mum being needy to the point of obsession with the child she had 5 years after the abortion.

Completely setting aside the abortion issue here:

Your mother has zero boundaries, is manipulative, controlling, selfish. It’s all about her all the time. She lacks empathy and sees those around her as actors on her stage where she is the starring role. Her behaviour is completely unacceptable not least because of her emotional manipulation of your daughter into giving affection when she doesn’t want to.

She makes my skin crawl just reading your account

I do wonder if your mother feels guilty and that’s why she so desperately wants love from these grandchildren. If you had only included the information about how she coerces your daughter into displays of affection I suspect you would have got a lot of replies telling you that this is not acceptable and how all children, and girls in particular, should have their bodily autonomy respected.
There’s a lot going on here and the history between you and your mother is clouding everything, but let’s face it the children are the most important thing and your daughter’s feelings should be respected.
I would say that you and your mother need to have a long talk away from your children and

Bluntness I agree the OPs mum will be blamed for whatever the outcome was. At this point if she stopped visiting once a week to make the OPs skin stop crawling there will be a post about how she doesn't help with the GC. This mum can't win. Once you have been labelled a toxic mum with an internet chorus backing that label, without access to the facts from the other side, there really is no redemption.

The OPs kids are fairly young and sometimes it takes facing similar if not worse challenges with ones own DCs to appreciate their mum's struggles.

Been there done that. But at least I have the grace to acknowledge that my mum was a human being not some godlike being without flaws who just happened to push me put of her vagina.

OP, I think there are two possible explanations for your mother’s behaviour around your children.
One is that she is a self centred narcissist, “performing” the loving grandma role and expecting your DC to validate her view of herself as the much loved wonderful granny. She needs all the attention and cuddles in the way an actor needs applause, but doesn’t really give much of a shit about the kids or you.
The second possibility is that she harbours long standing guilt about coercing you to abort her first grandchild, and she is now desperately over compensating by trying to show you how much she loves these current grandchildren.
Only you can say which is more likely. And how you deal with it is very different for each one.
Like many PPs, I would urge you to have some counselling about not only the abortion, but also your relationship with your mother. I think there is a lot of unresolved tension here, and a neutral professional would help you to untangle it all and find a way forward.
Ultimately, you either want a better relationship with your mum, after the issues have been dealt with, or you want to be no contact with a narcissist, if that is what she is.
My prayers that you can find a suitable resolution and peace of mind, OP. God bless.
God bless.

I think reading the thread and between the lines you have resentment towards your mother because you feel she forced you into having an abortion at 14. That needs dealing with, the rest sounds like she is probably OVER compemsating for this fact (maybe sub conciously).

My sister got pregnant young, she wasn't the most responsible teenager in every aspect of her life (dropped out of college, spent most of her teens drunk etc). My mother is wonderful. Anwyay, my mum told her she would stick by her, and help her but she would not bring the child up herself. She knew my sister, she knew ultimately she would have to raise the child (not saying this is the same as your case OP). Anwyay, she had the abortion (this was probably over 20 years ago now) and my sister still throws this at my mum when she isn't coping or angry with her. She still BLAMES my mum, she refers to the decision of the abortion as the thing that ruined her life. Its tragic. She has had lots of counselling, has her own child now, but its still the elephant in the room.

My point is, there is underlying issues and resentment. While that is present, everything will aggravate you about your mum. Whilst it must have been a very difficult time for you, sounds like your mum was going through the mill at the time too.

On another point, my ex MIL is a bit like this with my kids although she hardly ever see them as we live overseas. She struggles to interact with them in a relaxed manner and seems forced. Its makes me sad, that she cannot just relax with them and be herself, it doesn';t make my skin crawl though, I just get mildly and quietly irritated.

People on here aren't going to be able to solved the situation with you and your DM. I strongly suggest you get some individual counselling for yourself and then invite your DM to some counselling to work out some boundaries for everyone. She may even be encouraged to get her own counselling for the crap she has been through.

christmas sprite
Its coercion, she gave her consequences of rejection if she went ahead, effectively taking her choice away. So yes, forcing, coercing.

Showing somebody the consequences of their action is NOT coercion! It is explaining what will happen if they go ahead with their chosen action. It explains to them that any decision they may make will have a massive and life changing effect on other people and they need to take that into account when making their decision..

I agree with Bluntness

Sorry, but telling your 14 yr old you're out (rejected) if you go through with this, what choice is that. At 14, no matter what you think you are still very dependent upon your dp. Its disgusting to chuck anyone out under those circumstances, but your own DD?!

Really, she is behaving just like aa child herself. It's weird, and wrong, even if she does have guilt. Instead of doing stuff with them she's 'crying' if they don't give her cuddles.

If she feels guilt that's different, it doesn't make you completely change your behaviour and become childish and lose your bondaries its more likely she was like this anyway, and just needs to stop it,its wrong on the dgc

Having had my own dd at 17, I can say quite certainly I would do the same as your mother did OP . The impact of having a baby at 14 is huge and would effect every decision you made for the rest of your life.

Sorry, but telling your 14 yr old you're out (rejected) if you go through with this, what choice is that. At 14, no matter what you think you are still very dependent upon your dp.

dependent on your dear partner not your dear parent - and herein lies the difference. It seems from many posts on this thread that her partner and his parents get a clean bill of health on this, and only her mother (a single parent) gets censured!

I think the abortion is huge in your mind, but her current behaviour is horrible. She's treating your kids like dolls. She doesn't really see them (or you probably) as period people - they're props in the play of her life.

It's ok to protect your kids. "No, mum. Leave them be. They don't want to be cuddled." Practice it. Wishing you strength.

Doh. Proper people, not period people.

I agree with Bluntness - if I had a daughter I wouldn't want her to proceed with a pregnancy at 14. I have sons, and if they got a girl pregnant, I wouldn't support them dropping out of education because of the pregnancy.

But having said all that, your mother doesn't sound like a likeable person. She sounds very need and uses emotional blackmail quite liberally. I think you need to reduce the amount of contact both you and your DC have with her.

Christmas did you miss the part where the OP said her partner at the time and his parents were willing to have her stay with them and support her? So she HAD a choice between an abortion and being a parent and she chose the former. Her mum simply just pointed out the choices. It's easy to scapegoat her mum because she is not here to defend herself.
But anyone who has a teenager who actively takes the risk of getting pregnant at 14 knows how hard it is to support them on this sort of thing.

If her mum asked her to practice safe sex or abstain till she was older would she have listened? No. Teenagers know better always. But her mum is supposed to put her own wellbeing aside to sort out her child mistakes.

The OP needs to take some responsibility for her choices. Pregnancies don't happen in a vacuum and we can't argue that she was 5 and didnt know the consequences of having unprotected sex.

If I was her mum I probably will go NC for a while. It must be hard knowing what to do with this huge elephant in the room. And I am very sure she has been told so many times already what a terrible mum she is because of the abortion and has to carry that with her forever. God knows what the teenage years were like for the OPs mum. She probably hasn't recovered from the damage inflicted by parenting the OP as a teenager either. Always two sides to every story.

I have a challenging 14 year old who is having sex with her 17 year old boyfriend. When I found out I told her I wasn't ready to be a grandparent as a single mother to 3 DCs. I took her to the GP to put her on the pill. She knows if she falls pregnant there is no way she is having a baby. We had that discussion from the start. If she choses to have a baby she will have to find support elsewhere. I am not mentally, physically or financially capable of taking care of another baby on top of everything else.

If I was happily married in a two income family I will probably have a different view but right now in this situation it's an abortion.

ChristmasSprite I agree with you.

I cannot believe that anyone can defend forcing someone to have an abortion, no matter how old they are.

I think OP should seek out counseling support to look at her termination and it's on going impact on her and her relationship with her mother.
In the meantime she should work on supporting the boundaries that her dc's are trying to establish with all kissing and touching from dgm.

Ellie - brilliant post - analysed objectively. Everything you said needed saying.

As PPs have demonstrated with how they would feel in the same situation, your abortion was all about your mum's needs and not your own. I wouldn't have much respect for her tbh. 'Me, me, me, I've done this, I'm not dealing with that' type of thing, no emphasis on concerns for the implications in your life.
She does sound incredibly selfish, very needy and dependent on your children for her happiness. That will be a very heavy cross for them to bear in years to come if she continues as she is.

The op wasn't forced to have an abortion. She had rhe choice of living with her boyfriend and his parents and raising this child. She had the offer of financial support and she had the offer of a roof over her and her child's head, to raise it with her boyfriend and to raise it with the grandparents.

Her mother was determinindly unsupportive of raising another child, possibly as she herself was in a tough place, raising two kids, a single mother, no financial support from thr father, who'd fucked off out of it, to live with the woman he was cheating on her mother with, and was having little to do with his kids, either emotionally or financially. To the extent he still likely doesn't know about the pregnancy.

To say the op was forced is a gross representation of thr facts. If she was old enough and capable enough to raise a child, then she 100 percent had rhe option to do so.

The abortion obviously caused you a lot of pain, OP a lot of pain and I agree with PPs that you and your DM need to talk about it, maybe in therapy, so that it's no longer the 'elephant in the room'.

But it quite clearly isn't the only issue here. Your DM's behaviour around her DGC would make me very uncomfortable as well, as it's far too full on. No one has the right to fo emotionally blackmail children into giving them cuddles, they have autonomy over their bodies and it's important that we reinforce this. This is where you do need to be very firm with her.

I guess it depends on how that "choice" was presented.

Being told that if you go ahead your mum will wash their hands of you and you can go and live with another family isn't really a choice is it?

That is coersion. Not a free choice.

It might not be a pleasant or an easy choice, but there can be no dispute it was a choice, absolutely a choice.

Bluntness you're failing to see the bigger picture here. Whatever about the abortion, the mother's current behaviour is completely out of line. She sounds like a narcissist or at the very least codependent.