Problems with my mum, she makes my skin crawl!

[AintNobodyHereButUsRavens]

I know I know, what an awful thing to say! But hear me out and bear with me, this will probably be quite long.

My mum is very full on with the grandchildren, I have a 7yr old DD and a 6mo DS. It's lovely that my mum loves them as much as she does, she told me shortly after my son was born that she gets that 'huge rush of love and emotion' when she gets a new grandchild, you know, the same 'rush' you get when you give birth? She visits about once a week and the whole time she's here she is constantly like "Can I cuddle DS? Come to Grandma!" And I mean constantly, if she's not not holding him she's begging to cuddle him. And even if he's asleep she's like "Can I cuddle him now? I promise I won't wake him and even if he does wake up, he'll go back to sleep. Babies always sleep on me."

But with my 7yr old she is just as bad if not worse, all through her visit she is like "Can I have a cuddle with my GD? Grandma wants a cuddle with her GD! Awww pleeeease! I haven't seen you for aaaages and I'm really sad now WAAAAAAAAAAA Don't you love me??? Grandma's missed you soooo much! Oh can't I have a cuddle my little GD??" She alternates between begging my DD for cuddles, and begging me to give her DS for cuddles. She does get to hold and cuddle him a lot but he prefers to roll around on the floor than to be held all the time. And DD seems to get very annoyed by the constant begging and very rarely gives in to the demands.

When I was 14 I got pregnant and my mum emotionally manipulated me into aborting, even though I didn't want to. She told me that she would not support me if I kept the baby, that she had done her time with babies and that she was not prepared to have another one in the house, so I would have to move out and live with my boyfriend and his family. I was 14, absolutely terrified and very vulnerable, I felt like I needed her to be there for me and she pushed and pushed me into aborting. She didn't force me to do it, but she did force me to make the decision to do it.

It turns my stomach that she can be so OTT loving towards her living GC, yet did everything she could to make sure the very first one was eliminated. That was 13yrs ago and recently I've started to resent her more and more for her behaviour back then, I actually feel like I don't even like her at all now.

My parents are separated and my dad said that she is the most selfish person he has ever known and I can really see his POV. When I was very heavily pregnant and overdue, she got really upset with me because I had to ask her not to turn up to my house unannounced when I was in the middle of cooking tea, and demand I go outside to stand there and talk to her through her car window. There are many, many more examples of her selfish behaviour, too many to even think of actually.

She pestering me to go out to lunch twice next week and I just can't bear the thought of it. I managed not to see her last week so I know she'll be relentless in her pestering tomorrow.

I know what I've written down probably seems quite petty, but it's so much worse IRL.

No doubt the 'Well at least you have a mum" brigade will be out so have at it, tell me what a horrible daughter I am for saying that my own mother makes my skin crawl because she loves her grandchildren so much.

rarely emotionally mature enough just insulting! Its awesome watching a young girl stepping up to nurturing her baby. Given the right support and advice, like anyone of us she just wants the best for her baby.

It's done op.

As you said, you wouldn't have your life now if it had happened.

You can feel sad but you have to put it behind you. There's NOTHING you can do about it. You absolute HAVE to move on and put the anger and guilt behind you.

Maybe your Mum feels guilty about what she did and that's why she's so ott?

Taking away the abortion issue, do you still dislike her? Maybe it's time to slow down or cut contact.

But in any case, tell her what you're angry about. My issues with my Mum all came out a few weeks back for the first time ever. It's been hard and it was terrifying and upsetting for me at the time but things are moving forward now.

That's what you need to do. Move forward. It does get much easier over time.

I'm saying this as someone that was pushed in to an abortion which went horrifically wrong during and after.

Actually Iboogy I didn't become a teenage mum. DD was born 10 days late, she arrived the day after my 20th birthday, so there.

What a mature comment OP

I must confess I’m uncredibly bias because I absolutely hate my mother. She was incredibly nasty and made my life a literal living hell. She’s dead now and I can honestly say I’m not sorry she’s gone. I feel it important to stress this before commenting.

Firstly it does appear your mother is well over stepping her boundaries. I’m sure she is excited and keen to demonstrate affection but this not healthy. She needs to be told and if she refuses reduce contact until the point sinks in. Even the kids aren’t appreciating the treatment. Your the mother not her.

As for the abortion. It’s completely pointless speculating on if you’d have made a good mother or coped at age 14. Many wouldn’t. Some would. Of course no one wants to see their young teenage daughter pregnant but to coerce, threaten and intimidate into an abortion is all kinds of wrong. She was wrong. No doubts at all there.

Still it seems to me her recent behaviour isn’t the sole reason for your issues. Clearly her behaviour all your life has coloured your view. Way I see it you have two options. Draw away or pull closer. Perhaps you two should have a serious conversation not just about recent events but past ones too?

Finally let me express my utmost sympathy for you. I’m a guy, I’ll never understand the full extent of your traumas but my heart goes out to you.

As is yours @Bouquet

I understand what you mean op, about knowing it was the best thing for you and your life but still finding it painful.

You need to separate the 2 issues, her current irritating behaviour and how she handled your teen pregnancy

Sorry but it doesn't sound like she 'forced' you to have an abortion. She made it clear that she wasn't prepared to look after your baby if you went ahead with the pregnancy, that is not the same as 'forcing' you to choose an abortion. I'm not saying she behaved faultlessly but it's unfair to place all your guilt at her door.

Its coercion, she gave her consequences of rejection if she went ahead, effectively taking her choice away. So yes, forcing, coercing.

I had an abortion when I was younger. I wasn't forced or coerced by anyone. For years it ate away at me until I made peace with it.
I think it would have been easier if there was someone else involved in my decision. I could push some or all of the horrendous feelings I had around it unto them.
Unless your mum dragged you licking and screaming to have an abortion you need to take some responsibility for your part in what happened.

There are a lot of teenagers who would have ignored their mum's advice and had the baby. According to you the baby's dad and family were happy to take care of you and the baby. So why didnt you make that choice?

Having said that your mum needs to get a life and learn to do things on her own beyond the sickly grandma thing she is doing at the moment.

Yes but the OP has pointed out that she did have the option of moving in with her boyfriend and his family so she wasn't without options.

Should all parents be unconditionally prepared to emotionally, practically and financially support their teenage DD if she decides she want a baby while she is still a child herself?

I was replying to Christmas not Ellie (you speak a lot of sense Ellie!)

Christmas

I completely disagree with you. But this discussion is for another thread.

At 14 being given the ultimatum of having to leave home and parents into a strange family whilst going through upheaval like having a baby and be without your do, no, rejection, not a choice at all. Made to choose between, but thats up to OP

Even taking the abortion out of it, the mother's current behaviour is not acceptable. She sounds very needy and self absorbed, and expects you and your DC to meet her needs. YANBU and I think some of the posts here have been really harsh.

Just wanted to send a lot of support your way. I think it is extremely hard for anybody who has not experienced this kind of mothering to understand quite how exhausting it is. My mum was like this - totally over invested in the children although a very loving and caring grandparent. She died four years ago and it is only very recently that I can think about that other than, basically, with relief. I am so sad for you about the abortion. I cannot think of much worse than being made to abort a child - I had an abortion when in my 30s but it was 100 percent my choice and I think that it was why I have never seriously felt conflicted about it. Please do consider trying to find someone to talk to about all this, I really might help.

As you said op, you and the boy who fathered this child didn't last, and you met who is uour now partner and had two lovely children with him.

Having a baby at 14. Have you thought through the realities of that. Not just the sleepless nights, the possible reflux or colic, but what if the child had had additional needs? A couple of our friend's child has additional needs and it became apparent early that something was wrong, and for the first two years of the child's life, there was endless tests, as doctors tried to diagnose. What followed was 21 years of hardship, I can't put it any less bluntly, rewards yes, but it was hard, before the child at 21 went into full time care due to violence. They now have two carers 24/7. How could a 14 year old have the emotional maturity to deal with that? Just dealing with the tests and the constant hospital appts? Never mind the complexity that comes with a child with complex additional needs. It's hard enough for a full grown adult.

Then there is the expense, nappies, equipment, clothes, it seems she was coping financially on her own and trying not to reveal it to you and your sister, and then the limited to no social life for you the parent, drifting away from friends when the novelty wore off, stuck in every night, every weekend, always taking baby with you. Parenting is both wonderful and tough, we all know that.

Maybe if your mother had supported you you'd be looking back and saying, I love my child, but why didn't my mother try harder to stop me, I'm single, I'm skint, and my lifeis beyond hard.

Ultimately whatever happened, it is likely your mother was always going to take the blame. There was no right answer in such a hard situation, and as a pp said, you can't put a young head on old shoulders. She could only do what she thought was right at the time.

I posted the other day about the abortion my mother forced me to have aged 18
I’m so sad to hear of someone else going through this but at 14 that really must have been horrendous
I am going to try and get counselling about mine and I think it might help you too my local nhs trust seems to have self referral page online for talking therapy so may be worth a look if yours does

Bluntness no one is disagreeing that it is not ideal for a 14 year old to become a mother.
You're missing the point, stop trying to get people to agree with you, it is not helping the op

Run, I'm talking to the op, not you.

The cuddling business is a normal granny problem and not a biggy.

Feeling cornered into aborting is bloody awful. Worth having therapy and talking to Mum/Dad/close friends. Talking about things can help

The mother should have supported her DD to make her own decision. Parents have to let teens make their own choices to a certain extent including mistakes (in their eyes)

And I'm sticking up for the op because you're a bit relentless

Run, what exactly is your problem. This is a public forum, people can have different opinions to uou, they can respond as they please.

Seriously. Focus on attacking someone else.