Problems with my mum, she makes my skin crawl!

[AintNobodyHereButUsRavens]

I know I know, what an awful thing to say! But hear me out and bear with me, this will probably be quite long.

My mum is very full on with the grandchildren, I have a 7yr old DD and a 6mo DS. It's lovely that my mum loves them as much as she does, she told me shortly after my son was born that she gets that 'huge rush of love and emotion' when she gets a new grandchild, you know, the same 'rush' you get when you give birth? She visits about once a week and the whole time she's here she is constantly like "Can I cuddle DS? Come to Grandma!" And I mean constantly, if she's not not holding him she's begging to cuddle him. And even if he's asleep she's like "Can I cuddle him now? I promise I won't wake him and even if he does wake up, he'll go back to sleep. Babies always sleep on me."

But with my 7yr old she is just as bad if not worse, all through her visit she is like "Can I have a cuddle with my GD? Grandma wants a cuddle with her GD! Awww pleeeease! I haven't seen you for aaaages and I'm really sad now WAAAAAAAAAAA Don't you love me??? Grandma's missed you soooo much! Oh can't I have a cuddle my little GD??" She alternates between begging my DD for cuddles, and begging me to give her DS for cuddles. She does get to hold and cuddle him a lot but he prefers to roll around on the floor than to be held all the time. And DD seems to get very annoyed by the constant begging and very rarely gives in to the demands.

When I was 14 I got pregnant and my mum emotionally manipulated me into aborting, even though I didn't want to. She told me that she would not support me if I kept the baby, that she had done her time with babies and that she was not prepared to have another one in the house, so I would have to move out and live with my boyfriend and his family. I was 14, absolutely terrified and very vulnerable, I felt like I needed her to be there for me and she pushed and pushed me into aborting. She didn't force me to do it, but she did force me to make the decision to do it.

It turns my stomach that she can be so OTT loving towards her living GC, yet did everything she could to make sure the very first one was eliminated. That was 13yrs ago and recently I've started to resent her more and more for her behaviour back then, I actually feel like I don't even like her at all now.

My parents are separated and my dad said that she is the most selfish person he has ever known and I can really see his POV. When I was very heavily pregnant and overdue, she got really upset with me because I had to ask her not to turn up to my house unannounced when I was in the middle of cooking tea, and demand I go outside to stand there and talk to her through her car window. There are many, many more examples of her selfish behaviour, too many to even think of actually.

She pestering me to go out to lunch twice next week and I just can't bear the thought of it. I managed not to see her last week so I know she'll be relentless in her pestering tomorrow.

I know what I've written down probably seems quite petty, but it's so much worse IRL.

No doubt the 'Well at least you have a mum" brigade will be out so have at it, tell me what a horrible daughter I am for saying that my own mother makes my skin crawl because she loves her grandchildren so much.

FWIW I’m also very sceptical of the “many” women who would make their daughters feel like abortion is the only option. I’ve seen that happen and the affect it has on the daughter in terms of their self esteem and emotional well-being as well as the huge damage to trust and security it does is awful. I would never put my DD in that position.

Doesn't really matter why her mum pressured her to have an abortion, she did, and op obviously still has strong feelings about it. By going on about the practicalities etc you are dismissing ops feelings.
As someone who had a very similar experience to op I would strongly advised any mums who find themselves in this situation not to do the same, I know I wouldn't and that's as a poor single mum of teenagers.

You could probably benefit from having someone to offload this on. You can't speak for your DM, whether she needs it or would want it, but nevertheless, just put your boundaries in, tell her to grown up, her behaviour is weird, and its not fair on your DC, its very unhealthy persisting with this weird climbing and quite scary for little kids.

*clinging

Agree KitKats

Agreed @Silver. Absolutly correct. Behaviour around kids is frankly not on AND OP, your DD is also telling you that she is also uncomfortable.

Your DD is a free agent and all this huggy feeling bollocks is...bollocks. It's wrong.

Kick your mum into touch. Do it now and set the boundary line. Quietly and without fuss, anger or argument.

Her behaviour, current behaviour, is enough to be revulsion inducing.

You are right to see it as weird OP, its how she's making you and your DC feel, trust your gut, this doesnt have to be something more than what you see and feel here, today.

Your DM really needs to get a grip and stop it, and nobody should be making excuses for her, if she's so unhappy, at forcing her 14 year old through a termination and getting her own way she should take herself off to deal with herself, like an adult.

I feel very sorry for OP and what she went through at the time of her termination.

Having been brought up in NI and now in my late fifties, teenage pregnancy often resulted in the child being born in a mother and baby home and then adopted. Abortion is still not legal there and has not yet become legal in ROI, although this will happen soon.

In some families, with no option for abortion, the child stayed with it's own family and became the youngest in a bigger family. Others were brought up by an older cousin or aunt, as if their own child. The same was common in the rest of the UK before abortion and/or single motherhood were socially acceptable. In my DH's family, who lived in Scotland, this certainly happened in his own generation and was a good outcome in the circumstances. It is impossible to put a 21st century head on women brought up many years ago, when abortion was not available.

My thoughts reading through this thread are that abortion laws perhaps need greater detail as to how issues of consent for abortion should be dealt with in underage girls. Posters are divided, some clearly feel that a pregnant teenager should be dealt with by using legalised abortion, decisions often driven by adults in the family. Others feel this is unfair and that girls should be supported to make an informed choice.

Enabling informed choice would mean that BPAS and other services need to ensure girls have the opportunity to explore all available options, without parental pressure.

Unhappy? @Christmas. No. 'Forcing' her DD to abort i would rather suspect, was one of the most powerful acts that loser ever did in her pathetic life.

What could be more powerful than being ''Godddess" over two lives? The very fact OP is saying her Ms reactions ATM is making her skin crawl speaks volumes. It's visceral and it's real. IMHO these are not reactions to be set aside lightly.

Brilliant and succinct post @Autumn

Op, how do you feel when you read these posts?

From the people hurling abuse at your mother, calling her repulsive, a pathetic loser, to people like myself saying she may have been doing what she thought was right in the circumstances, what many others would have done, and to try to work through it before making a decision on your future relationship?

It's two extremes I guess, and your feelings in Reading the posts will say a lot about your path forward.

I think crying on the shoulder of a 10 yr old is unusual behaviour too. It makes me think that this is just how she is, rather than dementia/age.

Oh good Goddess @Bluntness. Don't let your mask of affective Empathy ever slip will you? You might be in danger of being found out...

A parent that coerces their own child into such an act with such far reaching emotional consequences does not really deserve the label of parent. You may disagree. I couldn't possibly comment...

Best now stop being the Agent Provactaeur methinks

We're not talking to the DM though are we, we're talking not the very real harm this did to OP, and OP has this issue now of her DM behaving in this childish manner thats toxic to the DC, and simply needs to stop, and OP needs to feel these are her DC, her home, and is not ok for DM to do that to her DC in her home, each and every time I happens.
Outside of that, DM could open a conversation about historical decisions, or take herself off to counselling to deal with it, if its bothering her that much.

They are separate issues you’re trying to process and manage here.

Honestly - if my 14 year was pregnant, I would strongly advise a termination. I wouldn’t force but I would make my thoughts clear. A 14 year old girl becoming a mother is a tragedy, no matter how good that child might be at being a mum in the long run.

Regarding how she behaves with your children - I wouldn’t like that at all. Your daughter is vocalising that she doesn’t like it, your mother should be listening.

Being pregnant at 14 is not a tragedy. Being coerced into an abortion is.

It's not the abortion I find upsetting btw, it's the coercian. Daughters will never forget that. There will always be...what if my child lived? What if?

Guilt with them for the rest of their lives. For what? To make grandma's life a little easier?

The one time she said to my DD "Son't you love me?" I did pull her up on it and told her it was emotional blackmail and that it was a terrible thing to say to a child. She just sort of went "Oh-kayyyy...." she stopped it but clearly thought I was overreacting. She hasn't done the "Don't you love me?" Thing again but she does keep on with the begging, pretend sobbing and over-exaggerated sadness when DD refuses cuddles.

As for how I feel reading the abuse hurled at her, I feel nothing. Not sure what that says about me, heartless witch maybe? I don't know

I feel a bit tearful and quite touched at reading the supportive posts though. I think perhaps I should seek counselling, I feel as though I need to talk this through with a professional and maybe get some closure. I got a tattoo a couple of years ago that represents my daughter and the baby I aborted. It's of a flower (DD has a flower name) with a butterfly above it. No-one but my husband, myself and my best friend know what the butterfly represents. I felt like I needed something to remind me it existed (not that I'll ever forget of course) -if only for a short while- because I never had a scan photo to keep or anything. They didn't even let me see the screen when they scanned me.

Its part of life! It is!
Shit happens,it just does!
Girls will continue to get pregnant because pregnancy is not 100% preventable, so unplanned babies are a natural part of life, families have to switch and change all the time to accommodate what they can as best they can.
If they cant, they have to hold their hands up and say they can't, not abuse someone as a result and then not take responsibility for having done that.

Those of you saying that you'd push your daughters in to abortions- have any of you actually had one yourselves?

I'm shocked that anyone thinks it's ok to do this. Really shocked. Explains options yes. But pushing? Jesus Christ.

oh dear .
I really hope you deeply feel the power of support here for you, take it inside and get strong from it. Do keep speaking out, she's stepping all over your dds natural boundaries and eroding them every time she does it to her.
Your DMS behaviour is completely unacceptable, and cannot behave like the injured party and continually emotionally blackmail your DC and you into enforced intimacy, its a horrible slippery slope, and its very encouraging to hear your dd react in line with her wishes and you could reinforce that by saying, thats right dd, we dont have to have hugs when we don't want them do we, and it doesnt matter how much someone begs does it, you still don't want them!

Bless you OP. That's horrific that they didn't let you see the scan. I guess I understand why they did that but it didn't help you and you're emotional closure.

Of course your baby existed. You remember. It might help that you do a little ceremony. Light a candle. Lay some flowers somewhere that's significant.

I'm so sorry

Ah, op, no it doesn't make you heartless to feel nothing reading the abuse, what's telling is you're not sitting saying, yeah she is a repulsive pathetic loser.

Counselling can't hurt, this has obviously impacted you deeply, which is normal and understandable and you've not come to terms with it, you were very young indeed. A 14 year old is physically able to become pregnant, but is rarely emotionally mature enough to cope with either abortion or the realiies of parenthood.

Maybe uour mother has also not come to terms with it and knows you blame her and that's driving her behaviour.

Sometimes the past can have a nasty impact on the current.

Just trying to be practical about what's happening here and now.... could you get her involved in helping you out and give her jobs to do so that she feels a bit more needed and useful? I find getting ds grandparents to hear him read or read to him works really well, my mum's a bit of a feeder so loves to prepare meals for ds, or maybe you could get her to take the baby for a walk in his pram? Keep her busy and keep each visit manageably short.

About the other issues, maybe see a counsellor and try to put your past to rest and you obviously still feel very hurt and angry.

Oh yes I have a lot of what ifs. That baby would have started secondary school last year

I have such conflicted emotions about it all though, I never wanted to get rid of it and I've regretted it ever since, it broke my heart afterwards when the reality set in of what I had done, and it still does. But on the other hand, I met someone when I was 15 and he was 17, we are now married, still deeply in love, have two gorgeous children and a wonderful house. I wouldn't have any of this if I had kept the baby. I do understand that it was the best thing for me and my life, it's just very painful and until you've been there you can't fully understand how it feels.

I agree with @Bluntness100. Mum did what she thought was right at the time. Looks like op despite earlier abortion became a teenage mum anyway. but knowing what I know now, I wouldn't encourage my daughter to have abortion. I'd lay out the options and support her decision.