Problems with my mum, she makes my skin crawl!

[AintNobodyHereButUsRavens]

I know I know, what an awful thing to say! But hear me out and bear with me, this will probably be quite long.

My mum is very full on with the grandchildren, I have a 7yr old DD and a 6mo DS. It's lovely that my mum loves them as much as she does, she told me shortly after my son was born that she gets that 'huge rush of love and emotion' when she gets a new grandchild, you know, the same 'rush' you get when you give birth? She visits about once a week and the whole time she's here she is constantly like "Can I cuddle DS? Come to Grandma!" And I mean constantly, if she's not not holding him she's begging to cuddle him. And even if he's asleep she's like "Can I cuddle him now? I promise I won't wake him and even if he does wake up, he'll go back to sleep. Babies always sleep on me."

But with my 7yr old she is just as bad if not worse, all through her visit she is like "Can I have a cuddle with my GD? Grandma wants a cuddle with her GD! Awww pleeeease! I haven't seen you for aaaages and I'm really sad now WAAAAAAAAAAA Don't you love me??? Grandma's missed you soooo much! Oh can't I have a cuddle my little GD??" She alternates between begging my DD for cuddles, and begging me to give her DS for cuddles. She does get to hold and cuddle him a lot but he prefers to roll around on the floor than to be held all the time. And DD seems to get very annoyed by the constant begging and very rarely gives in to the demands.

When I was 14 I got pregnant and my mum emotionally manipulated me into aborting, even though I didn't want to. She told me that she would not support me if I kept the baby, that she had done her time with babies and that she was not prepared to have another one in the house, so I would have to move out and live with my boyfriend and his family. I was 14, absolutely terrified and very vulnerable, I felt like I needed her to be there for me and she pushed and pushed me into aborting. She didn't force me to do it, but she did force me to make the decision to do it.

It turns my stomach that she can be so OTT loving towards her living GC, yet did everything she could to make sure the very first one was eliminated. That was 13yrs ago and recently I've started to resent her more and more for her behaviour back then, I actually feel like I don't even like her at all now.

My parents are separated and my dad said that she is the most selfish person he has ever known and I can really see his POV. When I was very heavily pregnant and overdue, she got really upset with me because I had to ask her not to turn up to my house unannounced when I was in the middle of cooking tea, and demand I go outside to stand there and talk to her through her car window. There are many, many more examples of her selfish behaviour, too many to even think of actually.

She pestering me to go out to lunch twice next week and I just can't bear the thought of it. I managed not to see her last week so I know she'll be relentless in her pestering tomorrow.

I know what I've written down probably seems quite petty, but it's so much worse IRL.

No doubt the 'Well at least you have a mum" brigade will be out so have at it, tell me what a horrible daughter I am for saying that my own mother makes my skin crawl because she loves her grandchildren so much.

I think you need to read the whole thread before accusing me of being the one who doesn't see the whole picture.

A 14 year old's choice is different from an adult's. it's certainly a different choice when you add in that you're pregnant, terrified and heavily influenced/coerced by your unsupportive, selfish mother. It's passive violence.

BlancheM I imagine the OP's Mum was thinking about herself, the OP and her other child when she decided she wasn't willing to become responsible for her 14yo DD's baby

Sometimes it is necessary to be 'selfish' and think about the implications for the whole household rather than blindly agreeing to something which would likely be a disaster

And I think you need to stop making the OP feel bad for having perfectly normal feelings given the circumstances.

When you put it in the context of the mum being very selfish in general, you can forgive the OP for feeling like she does.

Being told that if you go ahead your mum will wash their hands of you and you can go and live with another family isn't really a choice is it?

she didn't say she was washing her hands though did she. She just said you can go and live with the father and his family. They are also responsible for bringing up this child. She could still visit with her mother.

I'm not sure it was selfishness, not wholly, even the op admits it may have been the right decision long term.

Raising a baby at 14 has huge implications for the rest of your life, and had she had rhe child she may have come to look back and although loved her child wondered why her mother didn't do more to prevent it.

It's a hard hard thing to have a baby so young, even with support, and particularly with financial constraints or a child who has additional needs.

I notice that the anti abortion brigade on here never venture into what happens after the baby is born which is what this is all about really.

My mother has a personality disorder and is unable to understand that other people have different needs or wants to her.
My childhood was extremely difficult and she now tries to treat my DC as though they are dolls for her entertainment. I have to have extremely strict boundaries.

I can see a similarity in the way she behaves during your first pregnancy and with your current DC. She’s treating you all like you are objects with no needs of your own.

I may be projecting - you’ve only given a couple of examples - but if she treats real people like they have no feelings apart from what she wants them to have, then they may be similar.

It’s very difficult to describe to someone who has not experienced it but it’s not the same as a loving granny wanting cuddles.

It’s a granny insisting on cuddling a child despite their refusal.

Putting the abortion to one side for a minute, her behavior around her DGC indicates she has difficulty putting their needs ahead of her emotional wants. She doesn't seem to see them as beings in their own right, more as objects whose primary purpose is to please her.

This must be tricky for you to handle, op. I guess a pragmatic approach would be to keep politely saying e.g. "DD doesn't want a cuddle right now and she doesn't have to have a cuddle if she doesn't want one".

I have said similar, without the wider context, when a nephew was sent to give me a goodnight kiss that he clearly didn't want to give me. I slightly made a joke out of it but made the point that children have a right to decide who they touch and who touches them, when and in what way. When I see my nephews I offer hugs/handshakes/hiyas, whatever they prefer.

I totally agree with you. That would drive me crazy. I would also feel the same way about the abortion aswell as she's the mother and should know the effects that would have on a young girl. Have u said to her that she needs to back off?.....I have a similar problem with Mil, my ds is 1 and like u said likes to walk/cry and not be sat on someone's knee and cuddle and kissed the whole time. My mil takes offensive if my ds moans when she tries to kiss him! It irritates Me so much that she is so needy. I just avoid her as much as possible and dnt care if she throws a tantrum lol. She used to visit unannounced which I find very disrespectful I told her she can't do that straight up 😁. Now we have moved much further away and she dsnt drive 😏 x

Is this thread basically 6 pages of people yapping on about how hard it would be for a 14 year old to raise a baby?!

OP, your mum's behaviour now with your children is suffocating. I'd be telling my mum to leave then alone to play while we chat. I'd be a broken record if necessary.

My cousin was pregnant at 14, her mum and older sister pressured her to have an abortion, she didn’t and is a fabulous mum but it caused a huge rift and is been 12 years and she still doesn’t talk to any of the family, it’s never an easy situation and I think you need therapy to come to terms with the abortion and help in understanding that your mum pressured you because you were a child expecting a child not because she didn’t love you.
Maybe your mum feels guilty too so is over the top with the grandchildren now. You need to sit down with her or in mediation or with a therapist and let it all out and hope that you can build bridges and move on with mum being more respectful and you understanding why she is like that.

Puss what anti abortion brigade? Don't derail the thread into something it isn't, start your own if you wish to.

OP - I get it, I do. You feel that your mother, having forced you into aborting one baby, should not be crying for 'cuddles' with the ones you have now. And I agree with you - she shouldn't be. But there is nothing you can do for the 14yo you now, or the baby, other than counselling.

HOWEVER - I am concerned for your dd now. Please sit her down and confirm with her her that NO-ONE is allowed to demand she does something with her own body. Your DD has autonomy over her body, and if she doesn't want to 'cuddle' grandma, she must be solid in her belief that you will back her to the hilt.

And that goes for any one - grandma, weird uncle Jim, that boy in class - no one has the right to force her to 'cuddle' them or even touch her if she doesn't want it.

Discuss with her whether she will want cuddles sometimes - maybe once when Grandma arrives, and or leaves, or none at all. All of these are OK!

And let your mother know this too. Let her know that she will NOT force herself onto your daughter. And she can leave out the emotional blackmail and manipulation.

(And when your son is old enough, he gets the same talk)

OP I am glad that you have decided to seek some support/counselling to deal with your termination. It was a huge ordeal to go through at 14 and bound to throw up conflicting and strong emotions.

With regard to the cuddling, I can sympathise totally. My mum was very similar with me as a child. I realised later that she had lost her mum 5 years or so before having me, and was transferring a lot of her insecurity and love onto me. It was claustrophobic and uncomfortable. She still has cats and can't bear them to not be on her lap. You can help her with a few straight words. "Mum, do you want a good relationship with dd, because she's not a pet! She's going to resent you if you smother her. Do some painting with her in the kitchen. Talk to her. Watch her dance. Then have a cuddle when she's tired." Have a few games lined up that your dd enjoys, and direct your dd/mum to those. I really don't think that my mum knew how to have fun with me. She may need teaching. (And you could get her a cat too!)

HTH

There is no anti abortion brigade here. The whole point of being pro choice is that it should be the one who is pregnant who makes the choice about what happens to her own body. In this case, the OP feels that her mother coerced her into having a termination, hence she doesn't feel that she had a free choice. Maybe she would have made that choice anyway, but she resents her mother's role in the whole affair.

what really gets me about the pro choicers is that they are very vocal about the actual decision to abort or not, but have nothing to say about the actual consequences. The decision to abort or not often rests entirely on the possible consequences, and is particularly critical in the case of child faced with a pregnancy.

I can't get over the fact that you are quoting your father's opinion that your mother is selfish..... from the man who you say walked out on your mother and has provided little financial/emotional support while you were growing up, leaving your mother to pick up everything. And you have now joined forces to decide your mother is selfish. Wow.

And I agree with others who have pointed out that your mother, particularly having been abandoned to bring up children alone, has every right to strongly state she does not want to bring up her daughter's child. Usually when someone posts on mumsnet about wanting grandparent support in bringing up their children, the consensus is that you don't have that right, and parents must be responsible. Why is that different when the mother-to-be is aged 14? Your mother has an absolute right to say she doesn't want to be heavily involved in helping raising a baby. And she absolutely would have had to be heavily involved if you had a baby at 14 and stayed at home. Do you think at all about your mother's right to quality of life? Why shouldn't she be a little selfish, seems to have worked out fine for your father.

I have a friend with a fourteen year old daughter who had her at 14. She raised her no one too k the baby away. They didn’t just survive they all thrived
the mum has qualified as a nurse now