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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Problems with my mum, she makes my skin crawl!

145 replies

AintNobodyHereButUsRavens · 25/11/2018 19:33

I know I know, what an awful thing to say! But hear me out and bear with me, this will probably be quite long.

My mum is very full on with the grandchildren, I have a 7yr old DD and a 6mo DS. It's lovely that my mum loves them as much as she does, she told me shortly after my son was born that she gets that 'huge rush of love and emotion' when she gets a new grandchild, you know, the same 'rush' you get when you give birth? She visits about once a week and the whole time she's here she is constantly like "Can I cuddle DS? Come to Grandma!" And I mean constantly, if she's not not holding him she's begging to cuddle him. And even if he's asleep she's like "Can I cuddle him now? I promise I won't wake him and even if he does wake up, he'll go back to sleep. Babies always sleep on me."

But with my 7yr old she is just as bad if not worse, all through her visit she is like "Can I have a cuddle with my GD? Grandma wants a cuddle with her GD! Awww pleeeease! I haven't seen you for aaaages and I'm really sad now WAAAAAAAAAAA Don't you love me??? Grandma's missed you soooo much! Oh can't I have a cuddle my little GD??" She alternates between begging my DD for cuddles, and begging me to give her DS for cuddles. She does get to hold and cuddle him a lot but he prefers to roll around on the floor than to be held all the time. And DD seems to get very annoyed by the constant begging and very rarely gives in to the demands.

When I was 14 I got pregnant and my mum emotionally manipulated me into aborting, even though I didn't want to. She told me that she would not support me if I kept the baby, that she had done her time with babies and that she was not prepared to have another one in the house, so I would have to move out and live with my boyfriend and his family. I was 14, absolutely terrified and very vulnerable, I felt like I needed her to be there for me and she pushed and pushed me into aborting. She didn't force me to do it, but she did force me to make the decision to do it.

It turns my stomach that she can be so OTT loving towards her living GC, yet did everything she could to make sure the very first one was eliminated. That was 13yrs ago and recently I've started to resent her more and more for her behaviour back then, I actually feel like I don't even like her at all now.

My parents are separated and my dad said that she is the most selfish person he has ever known and I can really see his POV. When I was very heavily pregnant and overdue, she got really upset with me because I had to ask her not to turn up to my house unannounced when I was in the middle of cooking tea, and demand I go outside to stand there and talk to her through her car window. There are many, many more examples of her selfish behaviour, too many to even think of actually.

She pestering me to go out to lunch twice next week and I just can't bear the thought of it. I managed not to see her last week so I know she'll be relentless in her pestering tomorrow.

I know what I've written down probably seems quite petty, but it's so much worse IRL.

No doubt the 'Well at least you have a mum" brigade will be out so have at it, tell me what a horrible daughter I am for saying that my own mother makes my skin crawl because she loves her grandchildren so much.

OP posts:

Original poster

AintNobodyHereButUsRavens · 25/11/2018 20:24

I chose not to because I was 14, terrified and needed my mums support. My boyfriends mum was great, she said she would support me either way and would be more than happy for me to move in and she would take care of the baby when I went back to school. I was only 9wks pregnant when I had the abortion so all the finer details had not been worked out. I'm sorry I can't provide you with a spreadsheet of finances planned out in advance.

OP posts:

RobertDeNiro · 25/11/2018 20:25

@thebouquets just because the mother was there doesn’t mean she did a good job. Op is obviously feeling uncomfortable around her and that doesn’t come from nowhere.

For the record my dad was entirely absent. Not remotely interested. My mum was ‘there’, and damaged me beyond all measure with her behaviour.

missyB1 · 25/11/2018 20:25

Oh I know exactly what you mean Bouquets I brought my boys up, working full time, no financial support from their dad. He bad mouthed me at every opportunity and has bedroom quite spiteful at times to our boys. But even now they are adults I still have to fit in with what suits him at Christmas/ birthdays etc because they worry about “offending” him!

OP sounds like your mum had a tough job. Maybe try and cut her some slack? Talk to her.

RobertDeNiro · 25/11/2018 20:26

Regarding the abortion, she most certainly should have been more supportive and caring. Doesn’t matter if she viewed it that you’d find it hard to bring up a child at 14, she should have been supportive when you were going through a hard time as a vulnerable teen. I can totally see why you’re feeling sore over it OP and why you find it therefore jarring to see her all over your kids.

Original poster

AintNobodyHereButUsRavens · 25/11/2018 20:26

I didn't say anything about my dad because this is not really about him. I could fill a thread with everything that's wrong about him and all the things I'm angry at him for but I won't because it's not really relevant.

OP posts:

Kintan · 25/11/2018 20:27

I have to agree with Bluntness100 if I had a 14 year old daughter who got (presumably) accidentally pregnant, I would strongly advise her to not continue with the pregnancy- however you say that you had options, so ultimately it was your decision and it’s not productive to blame your mother. If the root of your repulsion for your mother stems from the abortion then that obviously runs deeper than you thinking she is smothering your children with affection. So you need to separate the two issues and decide whether you want to continue a relationship with her.

TheBouquets · 25/11/2018 20:35

MissyB1 I was pretty much the same as you. Worked brought up DCs. The F absent no maintenance paid. F re-appeared after DCs over 18 and now he has bad mouthed me for the last years.
I dumped him many years ago for good reasons and those reasons still stand.
I thought I had raised sensible DCs but if they hang on his coat tails they cant be that smart. They have seen me (as he did) as a source of money. I have currently shut the Bank of Mum and I am being a real baddie now. Wont part with a penny!

OP you have said that your F is a whole other thread but right now you are ripping your mum apart in public. Do you ever show your mum any affection? Perhaps that is why she is acting as she does with your DC. It could be a reaction to having had to be strong and providing for all maybe she craves affection from family

Kerrieanne85 · 25/11/2018 20:35

I have a cousin who fell pregnant at 16 many years ago and my aunt

Kerrieanne85 · 25/11/2018 20:38

have a cousin who fell pregnant at 16 many years ago and my aunt would allow her to keep the baby, she absolutely forbid it, how would look after the baby, finish school work etc. It's very harsh at the time but it is hard for a child to look after a child. Now my cousin and aunt have a good relationship after working through their issues over many years and I think you should speak with your mum about how you feel about the abortion. It'll be an ice breaker to sorting out the deeper issue at hand

ourkidmolly · 25/11/2018 20:42

You have a choice here: let it go or cut her off. Accept her as she is with her flaws or go non-contact. She's not going to change that's for sure. It's whatever you can cope with and bear.

Aridane · 25/11/2018 20:43

I agree with bluntness

Maelstrop · 25/11/2018 20:45

You need to tell your mum that she cannot demand your dd's presence on her knee or the baby for that matter. It's unfair for both DC and suffocating/weird. Start telling her no. Can't she play with your dd instead? And no, she can't hold a sleeping baby.

TatianaLarina · 25/11/2018 20:47

She said I would have to go live with my boyfriend and his family so they would have supported me. I wouldn't have been on my own!

How long do you think that would have lasted?

I think you need counselling for the abortion, it’s very stressful at any age.

Your idea that all would have been fine if you’d kept the baby and you’d have played happy families with your bf’s family is bizarrely naive.

You need to take control of your relationship with your mum and establish boundaries - what you feel comfortable with and what you don’t. You can set the terms.

doodledott · 25/11/2018 20:50

Agree with everything you've said, @Bluntness100

RunoutofKitKats · 25/11/2018 20:52

I think you're all thinking as 'mothers'. Can't you even imagine what this experience was like for op as a 14 year old??

RoboticMary · 25/11/2018 20:55

I agree with @Bluntness100. Cut your mum some slack. She thought it was the best decision at the time.

Bluntness100 · 25/11/2018 20:56

Can't you even imagine what this experience was like for op as a 14 year old?

Of course, terrifying, but the op is no longer 14. She's a 27 year old mother of two. So people are just trying to gently point out why her mother maybe behaved as she did. Because the honest truth is many of. Us would have done the same, especially in these circumstances, single mum, dads fucked off with another woman, money possibly tight, and a pregnant 14 year old and another kid in the house.

It could be colouring her view of her mother today, and it could be driving her mothers behaviour, so possibly instead of two people who love each other being driven apart, maybe there is a way to try to come to terms with the past.

user1493413286 · 25/11/2018 20:56

Have you and your mum spoken about the abortion as adults/since you had your DC? Sorry if you’ve said already but I wondered if she feels incredibly guilty and is “clinging” on to your DC now because of this and frightened that one day you might say she can’t see them.
I agree about possibly looking at some counselling but while you’re waiting for that I would also have a firm word with her about “pushing” your DD to have cuddles with her and that you’re not ok with her trying to emotionally manipulate your DD into cuddles; also mention that if she backed off then your DD would be more likely to want cuddles.

missyB1 · 25/11/2018 20:57

But the point is OP is a mother now too, she won’t be perfect either. She will get it wrong or struggle to make the right decision sometimes. Maybe her mum did get it horribly wrong when OP was 14 but I doubt that was out of spite or lack of love.

Communication is the key here. It’s worth trying to sort this out. Don’t deny the kids a Grandma that adores them.

ChristmasSprite · 25/11/2018 20:58

No, just no, forcing a 14 year old to do something they may never recover from, I don't think you nshould force anyone to go through that, dispicable.

Mumtoboy123 · 25/11/2018 20:58

My mum is like this too and its doing my head in... ds is only 8 weeks old!!!!! The "he always falls asleep on me, my voice soothes him" is the worst. I feel you OP. No advice whatsoever, but if you find somehing that works.. let me know! Especially dreading the xmas season like it.

ChristmasSprite · 25/11/2018 20:59

You can can't speak for 'many of us' bluntness you don't speak for many on here clearly

Bluntness100 · 25/11/2018 21:01

Maybe her mum did get it horribly wrong when OP was 14 but I doubt that was out of spite or lack of love

This is what I suspect too, based on her mothers behaviour now. It sounds like desperate circumstances. And hind sight is a wonderful thing. We all can only do what we think is right at the time.

Renarde1975 · 25/11/2018 21:01

I do NOT agree with Bluntness. At all.

If my own DD got pregnant, I would give her the pros and cons. It's then her choice. I would support her whatever the outcome. Having a baby at 14 is not a life sentence by any stretch if the imagination. I'd very happily look after the baby whilst she worked (But then I'm a writer so it's different maybe for me).

What's fundamental is that at 14, you are really not mych different to 16 or 18. The descions you make will shape your life. Truly kind and empathic patents recognise the great blessings a child can bring.

Do I want DD to become pregnant whilst still a child? Of course not. But there are far worse things that can happen to a person. Bearing a child is not one of them.

SilverDoe · 25/11/2018 21:02

I feel sorry for the OP as this has become totally focused on the subject of her abortion and not about the current behaviour of her DM. I know the OP had an abortion and this is obviously a deep rooted issue between them but it’s not the only thing and as the OP says her DM has always been like this, it’s not the only reason for DM’s behaviour.

I would be uncomfortable with the way your DM acts around the DC too and really when it comes down to it there are only 2 alternatives to putting up with it - either speaking up front about her behaviour or cutting down contact. It’s perfectly reasonable to see your DM once a week or less you know, but I understand it’s hard to communicate your feelings IRL.

Is just straight up telling her you think it’s OTT, even in a jokey way, an option?

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