Really really sad

[namechangedagen]

Been together 12 years and have 2 very young DC. DH suffers from depression and will not get help. Sometimes he says he will to end an argument but he never actually goes through with it.

We’ve just gone through some big changes lately (big move, career changes etc) so it taken its toll on us and for the last year we’ve been arguing on and off - sometime petty things sometimes about him not getting help for his depression which affects our relationship greatly. The problem is he is prone to massive rages when we argue. He smashes things up - iPads, iPhones, kitchen stuff. Never in front of the kids but I find it intimidating (not to mention expensive to fix). When he’s in these rages he says awful horrible spiteful things to me which are personal - he always takes them back later but my self esteem has taken a bit of a battering. Also sometimes he does unpredictable things like a couple of months back we talked about his depression and he got up and just walked out with no shoes or shirt on and didn’t come back for hours. DM had to come watch the kids who were in bed while I drove around looking for him. I was so worried he was going to harm himself and I’d never see him again (he attempted suicide a very long time ago before I met him).

Anyway since that incident we had a make or break talk and decided we’d give it one last shot because we couldn’t go on. In that talk yet again he said he’d get help and has just been putting it off and blaming all the other stuff in our lives for not going. Yesterday was a rare child free day - we got back from a day out with friends and had a silly argument on the way back (the first since the last incident). He went mental and smashed up a guitar when we got home, even hurled a can which hit me although I’m still undecided if this was deliberate or not) and punched the wall repeatedly until his hand bled. I’m in the spare bed right now. I’m so heartbroken.

I feel like I’m not sure what to do anymore. I said last night I wanted him out first thing this morning. I can’t take it anymore. When we argue he’s quite terrifying - I barely even raise my voice as I don’t want to rock the boat but he screams at me and looks like he hates me. No one else knows this side to him. Problem is without me and and the kids he has nothing or no one. I’m so scared about what will happen to him if I go through with this today. I don’t know where he’ll go or what he’ll do. He’s really not all bad just very sick.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. I just don’t know what to do and I feel so on my own.

Leave him he sounds vile.

Get him out and keep him out. He won't get help withinthe relationship anyway so....
Stay friends with him only but stop supporting him and enabling him in his inaction. I have been you and done exactly what you have done OP so this is not a critiscism but take the chance to separate your lives now while you have the chance.

Depressed or not, he's exhibiting abusive and controlling behaviour. You say besides you and DC that he has nobody which suggests that he has issues relating to others. I think if you stay together he will undoubtedly not change. He's had ample opportunities to sort himself out. Consider your own needs and wellbeing -do you want to be in this situation in 1 year, 5years?

I think you’ve given him ample opportunity to get help, whilst living in a supportive environment. You now have to consider your needs and those of the DC. It will become harder and harder to keep this from the DC, although they probably suspect already.

What you’ve described is obviously pretty normal in your life, but as an outsider, it’s quite horrific to read. You need to leave.

Most people who have depression do not smash up expensive belongings or behave aggressively towards loved ones. Your husband is a dangerous prick.You are experiencing DV and need to get out - you can’t live like that and you can’t say because you feel sorry for him.

Oh dear hun. I know how you feel. Just read your post and word for word that could have been me writing that 12 months ago. But there is A happy ending to my story so don't loose hope. But first step is to get him to the doctors. I got my husband to the doctors by packing a bag for me and DC and going to my sisters for the night whilst he was at work. I left a note to tell him i couldnt do this anymore and that it wasnt fair on the kids and i was fed up of walking on egg shells and not knowing when he would next flip and that i wasnt going to come back until he went to the doctors. He really thought that we weren't going to come back and it gave him the shock he needed to get help. It scared me shitless to leave that day as I kept worrying he would do something to harm himself and I'd have never forgiven myself. But he went to the doctors and they gave him antidepressants. So I went home and antidepressants didn't work over night but he was gradually getting more patient and nicer to be around and 12 months on he is back to his old self and no longer on antidepressants as he talks about his feelings more now rather than bottle everything up until he gets to breaking point. Good luck

Send him back to his dm.
You've tried, a lot.
Don't ruin your and your DC's lives any further.
It sucks but it's true.

It is all true what previous posters have said, but I imagine you are thinking if you were to throw him out and he did something silly you would have it on your conscience.

How terrible to be in your situation. Of course he needs to go, but how to do it in a way that doesn't send him into deepest despair, I don't know. Does he have parents that are in contact with him?

He has minimal contact with his parents who used to be very involved in our lives. He just stopped responding to them. We used to see them a few times a week but now it’s more like twice a year. They have tried reaching out to him but he has distanced himself. My relationship with them has suffered as a result so I don’t even feel like I can go to them.

Could his personality be disordered do you think? He sounds very unstable and unpredictable. You can't continue to live like this and stay sane and safe. Oh and I can predict him smashing iPads and walls is one step removed from hitting you, it will only be a matter of time if you stay with him.
He's telling you he doesn't want to feel better by not seeking medical help. That's his right but it should also have the consequence that you want to protect yourself and children from living in this atmosphere

Perhaps his parents should be informed? It sounds a very serious situation to me. If it were my son I would move heaven and earth to help him. This would obviously be a difficult path to take and I honestly don't know if it would be the right thing to do, but because of the seriousness of the situation, I can't think of anything else. At least you would not have told him to leave without some backup.

'Never in front of the kids' implies he has control over these 'rages'. This in turn implies that he gives himself permission to behave as he does.

If he has control or gives himself permission to act in an uncontrolled way what does that say about him?

These rages are controlled and reserved for you. He doesn't do it at work does he. He'd lose his job if he did.

It's terrifying for you to live like this. Walking on eggshells is no fun and it's stressful.

You had a make or break talk...if you don't follow through..it's like your word means nothing.

Even if he doesn't leave immediately...clearly express that you consider yourselves as no longer a couple in that sense....and you can work through the practical steps of seperation.

Maybe this stance will make him.see he has to get help.

This is why i split with exDH. He wasnt a screamer but his depression was badly affecting us and causing financial ruin but he wouldnt talk about it or get help. There comes a point when you have to stop enabling them, for the sake of the kids if not your own life :(

This is a mirror image of what I went through. My DH also shut off his parents and didn't want to see anyone or specialise anywhere to be honest. You need to leave if only for the night just to give him a wake up call

He intends his extreme behaviour to train you to never argue, never confront, never question. If the consequences for you are bad enough you will learn to hold your tongue. He sounds very selfish and childish, having tantrums like a giant toddler. I couldn't respect a man, or woman, who behaves like that. Is he a drug user? And the affects on your children will be profound. Don't fool yourself that they are blissfully unaware of what's happening while they are in bed. You said you had the big talk and decided to give it "one last shot", and now another huge blow-out. How many Last shots do you plan to give him?

There are millions of people who suffer from depression who don't behave that way. Smashing things up. Saying cruel things. They aren't a symptom. And depression is not an excuse to treat someone so appallingly. He is abusing you. And that is a choice he is making. If his depression is a factor, then he is choosing to allow it to carry on affecting you negatively rather than get help.

I wish you all the best. You are stronger than you think.

The thing is he really can control it in front of everyone else. I’ve heard other people describe him as gentle before - he comes across as very placid and laid back. No one has ever seen this side to him except me - the people at the party we were at yesterday would be shocked if they knew.

He has severe depression and a lot of stress on him at the moment - a LOT. I’m not trying to excuse it but I feel like Im abandoning him. I really feel as though he needs help but because he won’t seek it there’s nothing I can do. He’s asleep. When he wakes up I’m going to ask him to stay with his parents for a bit to get away from all the stresses and see if he can find some clarity while he’s away from all responsibilities. Going to encourage him to open up to his parents who have also suffered with depression while he’s there and hope they can take some of the burden or at least make him see that he needs to get help. They live far away so he will need to take time off work which I feel might be good for him.

I have been gradually over the last year or two making myself more and more independent of him. I think I knew this was going to happen. It’s all such a mess.

He doesn’t do drugs and rarely drinks.

I get that we had the make or break talk and I get that I have already given him too many last chances. It’s so hard - before I was in this situation I always said I would leave with no hesitation if I was in a situation like this. It’s so not that easy as those who have been in this situation will know. I love him as much as anyone else loves their partner.

I’m saying that I know it needs to happen though.

Sounds like unless you take drastic action, he won't do anything. I suspect your DC know and realise more than you would like to admit. You have to protect them (and yourself).

This is clearly DV. He doesn't deserve you.

The thing is that there is this stigma around mental health in men. They feel less of a man if they admit they are depressed. So they do there best to hide it around people. And only show how they really feel to the person they are closest to. I get your anger as I felt angry to that I was the person he was supposed to love most yet I was the only person that he was being vile to. To me it sounds l8ke he's crying out for help but is being to stubborn and proud to ask for it. Do all you can to get him to talk to the doctor. Assure him there is no shame in it. Even research male celebrities that suffer with depression and throw a few of the names he would know into the conversation

I don’t think they do. One is under 12 months the other is a toddler. They’re really not aware of any side of him other than their fun dad - he doesn’t shout in front of them. I would definitely admit it if I thought they were as the whole point of posting on here is to be 100% honest which I feel like I can’t be in real life with others.

I just feel bad for them. Having kids was unfortunately a massive trigger for his depression....now that really is hard to admit.

I echo other pps. This behaviour is reserved for you only. It is abuse. Please take steps to part. I expect he'll threaten and bluster when he realises you mean business, but you must be firm. "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm"

You have to leave him while your children are still young enough not to be too badly affected by this.
He is abusing you - whether that's down to depression or stress or whatever doesn't matter and you need to end it. Time to pull on your big girl pants.