Really really sad

[namechangedagen]

Been together 12 years and have 2 very young DC. DH suffers from depression and will not get help. Sometimes he says he will to end an argument but he never actually goes through with it.

We’ve just gone through some big changes lately (big move, career changes etc) so it taken its toll on us and for the last year we’ve been arguing on and off - sometime petty things sometimes about him not getting help for his depression which affects our relationship greatly. The problem is he is prone to massive rages when we argue. He smashes things up - iPads, iPhones, kitchen stuff. Never in front of the kids but I find it intimidating (not to mention expensive to fix). When he’s in these rages he says awful horrible spiteful things to me which are personal - he always takes them back later but my self esteem has taken a bit of a battering. Also sometimes he does unpredictable things like a couple of months back we talked about his depression and he got up and just walked out with no shoes or shirt on and didn’t come back for hours. DM had to come watch the kids who were in bed while I drove around looking for him. I was so worried he was going to harm himself and I’d never see him again (he attempted suicide a very long time ago before I met him).

Anyway since that incident we had a make or break talk and decided we’d give it one last shot because we couldn’t go on. In that talk yet again he said he’d get help and has just been putting it off and blaming all the other stuff in our lives for not going. Yesterday was a rare child free day - we got back from a day out with friends and had a silly argument on the way back (the first since the last incident). He went mental and smashed up a guitar when we got home, even hurled a can which hit me although I’m still undecided if this was deliberate or not) and punched the wall repeatedly until his hand bled. I’m in the spare bed right now. I’m so heartbroken.

I feel like I’m not sure what to do anymore. I said last night I wanted him out first thing this morning. I can’t take it anymore. When we argue he’s quite terrifying - I barely even raise my voice as I don’t want to rock the boat but he screams at me and looks like he hates me. No one else knows this side to him. Problem is without me and and the kids he has nothing or no one. I’m so scared about what will happen to him if I go through with this today. I don’t know where he’ll go or what he’ll do. He’s really not all bad just very sick.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. I just don’t know what to do and I feel so on my own.

The depression and the DV are two very separate issues. Currently he's quite confident that you won't leave him because he's groomed you into feeling guilty and responsible - your not.

He may well have depression but until he is willing to seek medical help nothing will change and you and your DC deserve better.

The DV is unacceptable and again you and the DC deserve better. Don't ever be fooled into thinking they are unaffected or unaware of what is going on. You have a duty to put the DC first. If he does something stupid then that is his responsibility not yours.

So sad and sounds such a tough situation. But he needs help and it sounds like only something really drastic will make him get that help he so desperately needs.

And how stressed are you by seeing all this going on at home?. Your home now is akin to a warzone, its certainly not a sanctuary.

It sounds like you are codependent in relationships which unfortunately is ideal for this abusive H of yours to further exploit. Some men do use depression as a reason for their violence against inanimate objects; what you are describing here is domestic abuse aimed primarily at you and in turn these children. The fact that he will not seek help for his depression is itself telling as well as supremely selfish on his part.

It does sound as though he can’t really cope with parenthood. From what you say he perceives a lot of the stress to be at home. The problem with this is that you have a huge burden to carry because you are probably taking on all the practical parenting and holding his behaviour too. This is not fair on you and I feel really sorry for you. You are worth consideration as well. This is not about not supporting him. This is about you stepping back and thinking about what will help you so that you can support him, if tgat’s What you want to do. So that might involve not living with him for a while. But also, even though he is sick that does not mean his needs trump yours. This also means you can give yourself permission not to stick around. It doesn’t make you a bad person and there are ways you can ‘hand him over’ to someone else safely. But I can’t emphasise enough that your well-being is important. You do matter. You don’t exist only to support others.

If you knew that you had explosive rages that caused you to abuse the person you love and destroy things, would you seek help or not?

If I did that to my partner just once, I would be beginning forgiveness and doing all I could to ensure it never happened again.

He's doing nothing. He doesn't believe you will leave him and therrfore there's no consequences to his actions.

I wouldn't necessarily attribute it to the depression either.

I think I was co dependent but not anymore. I have spent over a year now trying to emotionally distance myself from him, make sure my finances are in order and keep relationships with family and friends strong so I have a support network. I don’t feel like it’s hard to leave him because I’m dependent. I think it’s because I’m terrified something bad will happen to him. I also feel like I married him knowing he suffered from depression so am I just giving up on him if I leave? I do love him. I couldn’t cope if something did happen and I had to explain it to our children one day.

So sorry OP but you can’t help him, I’ve been where you are, you can’t fix this. Stop feeling sorry for him, he knows exactly what he’s doing. Throw him out, you had the last chance talk. My exh was exactly like this, everyone loved him, he was gentle loved his family, life and soul of a party. The minute our front door closed he’d pick an argument over the smallest thing and then become the most abusive violent shit.

You need him to leave, you need to focus on your and your DCs mental health and well-being. Even if your DC are very young they are aware of what’s happening, the atmosphere in the house, the arguing. You all deserve better, being together 12 years will not save this. Are you going to spend another 12 years trying to make it better?

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

How many more chances are you going to give this person, do you not think he has had more than enough of those already?. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of him keeps women within such poor relationships too.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here and what do you think they are learning from the two of you?. What do you want your children here to remember about their childhoods?.

His actions towards you are about power and control, that is what he wants here. He does not act like this either around other people or work colleagues, its all reserved for you as his wife.

You're also this man's emotional and physical punchbag; he does this as well because he can and you are still there. Smashing up stuff (and its likely not always his things either) is an example of domestic violence. The fact he would have nowhere to go if you left him is not actually your problem. He does not want your help or support and you are anyway too close to the situation to be of any real use to him here anyway. Such men too hate women, all of them.

Your children as well are perceptive and pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken here. They see how you act around him when he is present, do not think they are too young to pick up on things here. He probably was pissed off that you had children at all because he was no longer Number 1 in your eyes then. He wanted to maintain his position as Number 1 here.

You may well love him but you may well be confusing this with your own codependency issues.

Do talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247; they can and will help you here

OP I think you know that this is not depression. This is abuse. He can control it - he saves it for you.

He is depressed & abusive. They are separate & one does not justify the other.

Please leave before it affects your children.

I first saw signs of abuse when DS was around the same age as your DC. It took me another 10 years to ask him to leave & exDH’s rages did affect my son & my self worth.

You also have to know that you are not responsible for your DH.

Be kind to yourself, be strong.

No you are still very much codependent, some of your thinking still reflects that and it can take years to undo such conditioning (usually a codependent person learns how to be so from a parent). The fact too you are terrified that something bad will happen to him is also an indicator that you are still codependent.

If he has never received and is actually unwilling to seek help for his depressive state, then how are you certain he is depressed at all?. I am not at all suggesting he is happy, abusive people are always unhappy but he is blaming you here for all his problems. He is not wanting to help his own self here, he wants you to do that.

Would you want your children to grow up seeing their dad continue to break things and you as their mother in the process?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, did you see similar at home too?.

At a practical level I think you should report last nights incident. If not to the police then to Women’s Aide. It’s violence and is sufficient reason for him to leave the home and stay away permanently. By reporting it you have the safeguard that he can never return to the family home.

I agree with others, depression or not, he is using his rages to control you. It will get worse and eventually he will do it to the children. You are far to focussed on him and need to put you and the children first. You drew your red line and now he has breached it. It’s now or never. Don’t redraw the line, if you do it will cease to exist.

I left my XH many years ago and was terrified that he would do something to harm himself.

I went to the doctors as I knew I needed help with depression and ended up telling my GP my fears.

His words to me were "most people will not go on to harm themselves, but even if he did, that's not your fault". I realised that he was right and the fear was just another part of the control that XH held over me.

You need to leave, or make him leave, before his anger escalates further. I agree with PPs that depression is not an excuse for DV.

It's not your job to psychoanalyse him, it is your job to protect you and your kids.

(your kids may not actually hear anything but they live in the soup that is the stress and worry and fear of your home. They will be imbibing that on a crucial level, be assured )

Tell your gp all. You must protect yourself and your children. He is like a rabid dog: dangerous and in need of treatment.

You are in a terrible position but by letting him stay with you, you are actually allowing him to do nothing about his illness.

You are 100% doing the right thing by making him leave. It’s the right thing for you, your dc and for him.

Next time he kicks off smashing things, call the police. He is dangerous and you need protection.

You've pussy-footed around him long enough and it's gone nowhere. You and the kids need protection.

I have bipolar and manic depression i got stressed earlier in the year when we moved, was off kilter seeing/hearing stuff. Rather then smash the house up or abuse DH I got help.

Mental illness isn't a get out of jail free card for abuse and that's what is happening.

What do the neighbours do about the screaming and crashing around? Somebody hears it, why don't they do anything about it

We live in a very rural area. There is not a chance anyone would hear anything unless they happened to be right outside the part of the house we were in at the time it was happening.

And whose idea was it to live so rural, his in the main?. If so that was another tactic of his to isolate you physically as well as emotionally.

Thanks all for your responses. I guess a lot of the problem here is I am not as clued up in mental illness as I would like to be. I have googled the hell out of depression and some sources suggest this behaviour can be a result of depression while others say it’s not and is a separate issue. I can’t tell is he’s a victim of his own illness or if he is as controlling as people are saying. It’s very hard to see the wood for the trees when smack bang in the middle of the situation.

To the person who sent the woman’s aid link thank you. It hadn’t occurred to me to get support from them before. I suppose because he’s the one with depression I didn’t really think about support for me as someone living with him.

I don’t feel physically isolated. I am very close with my family and see them or friends almost daily.

I do feel emotionally isolated as I don’t feel I can tell anyone in real life what’s going on.

He’s still asleep at the moment.

My dh has depression, he won't get help unless he wants too all you will do is exhaust and hurt yourself trying to help him. You need to leave him op, leaving my dh was the best thing I ever did it was the motivation he needed to get help

Where are your children when he is shouting and screaming and destroying things?

If they are in the house they will be affected.

This is not depression this is abuse.

He needs to go and you need to accept that you have children, that you are responsible for, and a husband, who is responsible for his own words and behaviour. If he does something "drastic" it will be carefully staged to make you feel guilty and allow him back into the family home with no change.

It needs to stop before he harms you and your children see it and are further affected.

In your shoes I would record/film any future outbreaks - self protection, and I'd be fully prepared to show his family if necessary.

Why do you maintain he is depressed given he has no medical diagnosis?.

I would think your H is not depressed in the usual sense of the word because he is reserving all his rage for you. He is unhappy yes but he is blaming you for all his inherent ills. You've done all the searching on depression and such like; he has never likely done this. I would maintain all his actions towards you are about power and control; he wants absolute over you and in turn your children who are witness to all this too.

Please call Womens Aid and talk to them about your situation at home. I would seriously consider your own future within this relationship rather than his because for you there is none. All he will continue to do is to drag you and your kids down with him into his pit.

You have given him plenty of chances to get help and he hasn't taken them. If you make him leave at least he will know you mean it. It might be the nudge he needs to seek help.

If I was you I would explain the situation fully to his family. They may step in to help him and at least the depression would explain to them why he has pushed them away.

I don't want to be alarmist but I would seek advice about access arrangements as I wouldn't want him left alone with them.