Really really sad

[namechangedagen]

Been together 12 years and have 2 very young DC. DH suffers from depression and will not get help. Sometimes he says he will to end an argument but he never actually goes through with it.

We’ve just gone through some big changes lately (big move, career changes etc) so it taken its toll on us and for the last year we’ve been arguing on and off - sometime petty things sometimes about him not getting help for his depression which affects our relationship greatly. The problem is he is prone to massive rages when we argue. He smashes things up - iPads, iPhones, kitchen stuff. Never in front of the kids but I find it intimidating (not to mention expensive to fix). When he’s in these rages he says awful horrible spiteful things to me which are personal - he always takes them back later but my self esteem has taken a bit of a battering. Also sometimes he does unpredictable things like a couple of months back we talked about his depression and he got up and just walked out with no shoes or shirt on and didn’t come back for hours. DM had to come watch the kids who were in bed while I drove around looking for him. I was so worried he was going to harm himself and I’d never see him again (he attempted suicide a very long time ago before I met him).

Anyway since that incident we had a make or break talk and decided we’d give it one last shot because we couldn’t go on. In that talk yet again he said he’d get help and has just been putting it off and blaming all the other stuff in our lives for not going. Yesterday was a rare child free day - we got back from a day out with friends and had a silly argument on the way back (the first since the last incident). He went mental and smashed up a guitar when we got home, even hurled a can which hit me although I’m still undecided if this was deliberate or not) and punched the wall repeatedly until his hand bled. I’m in the spare bed right now. I’m so heartbroken.

I feel like I’m not sure what to do anymore. I said last night I wanted him out first thing this morning. I can’t take it anymore. When we argue he’s quite terrifying - I barely even raise my voice as I don’t want to rock the boat but he screams at me and looks like he hates me. No one else knows this side to him. Problem is without me and and the kids he has nothing or no one. I’m so scared about what will happen to him if I go through with this today. I don’t know where he’ll go or what he’ll do. He’s really not all bad just very sick.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. I just don’t know what to do and I feel so on my own.

I know you don't want to admit you're in an abusive relationship but whatever it is isn't healthy and stable. Your husband is escalating in his behavior with the knife-as far as you know you think it was to harm himself but he's so volatile it could've been used on you. Screaming,verbal abuse and destroying things is domestic abuse. You are so concerned about him you've forgotten yourself and your innocent children. Wait until the children are more mobile and they are hit by a flying object in his next meltdown. I lived with domestic abuse like this as a child and it was hell on earth. Your children will be affected I guarantee it unless you get out.

Sophia, that's the most pointed and best post I've read on here.

Spot on. OP, please take heed.

OP you feel responsible for him, his behaviour, and his 'mental health'. You aren't.

Of course it suits him very well for you to feel that, but it's on him. All on him. Even if he is depressed, fixing it is on him, not you.

He left the knife for you to find so it would scare you and it worked.

You'll probably find that the things he smashes up around the house is mostly stuff that you and the kids use. I remember that lightbulb going off when my ex utterly trashed our apartment. Cushions I made were ripped, plates, ornaments broken. My TV and phone broken. Books ripped. I lost so many possessions I treasured that day. Absolute chaos. And in the midst of it all his laptop -his pride and joy that he couldn't afford to replace had been gently laid on a cushion on the floor covered by another cushion in the midst of his uncontrollable rage to protect it. It was then that I knew. It was then that I realised that his rages were not uncontrollable or chaotic. He could control them very well around people that he needed to. Which meant that he chose to terrify me.

Within a few months, smashing up stuff didn't work quite as well. Probably because I had fuck all by then for him to smash. So the pushing and shoving happened. Backing me up against a wall and screaming at me. Then finally strangulation.

Like you, I didn't think I qualified as someone Women's Aid would help. I've never had a black eye in my life! I felt ridiculous the first day I was brought there by DM. I actually apologised for wasting their time. Sadly, I was very much a textbook client of theirs and my boyfriend was very much an abuser. Even now, I often remember things and think "how the fuck did I think that was acceptable or normal back then" I was so conditioned in such a short space of time.

Just take the first step. Don't think about him right now. Just do one thing today and that's call and speak to someone in Women's Aid.

OP, you say your DC are too young to be affected by this, and haven't seen anything. My son was just turned 3yrs old when I left my angry, depressed, stressed, bereaved husband after he shoved me across the room in front of DS. The tension had been building pretty much since DS was born, and I was walking on eggshells, but that was the first (and last) time there was ever any physical abuse.

I would have absolutely sworn at the time that DS was completely unaffected. A happy little soul, if a bit clingy and a bad sleeper. Yet, in the months after we left he absolutely blossomed, became so much more confident and secure, his sleep improved, it was as though a light had switched on. In hindsight he really was affected by the atmosphere in the house, even though I couldn't see it at the time.

Best of luck getting out. You can't help him, you need to protect your children.

Did you end up speaking with your sister about this?

Honestly, you really need some help here, for you, not him.
He may have depression, but this is abuse no matter what. And you and your children are in danger.

He has a furious temper and throws things and hurts you and says vile things, and now he's bringing up a knife at night. Do you not see that you are in danger here? There are husbands who have killed their families, it's reported all the time, and they're all husbands like yours, who other people think are gentle as lambs and it must have been a flip out, expect there's usually others signs, but the wife has kept it to herself.

Please call women's aid and tell them everything, and for now, I would take you and your children to your parent's house.Put the children first, at the moment you are putting this abusive man first and he doesn't deserve that.
The toddler will be aware of it, as someone who grew up in similar, I was aware from very young that you had to watch your behaviour and remember shouting and screaming. It effects them, even if you don't think it does.

Please get help. The amount of people here saying how worrying it is should be a wake up call.

I’m staying at my sisters tonight as I feel uneasy about a few strange messages that he sent me today. Have packed bags for me and the kids we are just leaving.

Almost called woman’s aid a few times today but couldn’t work up the courage to go through with it. Will maybe do that tomorrow.

Thanks for anyone who has posted with genuine concern/kindness as my way of thinking has definitely changed since Sunday morning. My mind has been on overdrive constantly going back thinking over things that have been said/done analysing the way I perceive things - the possibility that there could be a threat to my children’s safety. These are things I genuinely hadn’t considered before.

In saying this I still feel tremendously guilty. It feels a bit odd to just up and leave.

That's good news about staying with your sister. I think considering the knife, and if you say he has been worrying things in text messages today, this is the right choice. If you feel threatened or worried, there's a reason.

I don't think you should ever feel guilty for ensuring yours and your children's safety. They can't advocate for themselves, so rely on you completely, and if there is any doubt of safety then actions must be taken. You are doing the right thing in protecting them.

Women's Aid has a 24 hour helpline, so it's possible to still contact them while you are at your sisters.

I'm so glad you've removed yourself and the children from a very volatile situation. Nobody should feel guilty for protecting their children. You've done the right thing . Don't give him yet another last chance.

Honestly op, it's the only way, why would you make you and your kids live in this environment. If he loved you or cared about you he would chose not to behave like this, like he chooses not to behave like this in front of others.

Relationships don't start off abusive, you understand this? It's a pattern of behaviour that develops. And the more the abuser gets away with the more they inflict. Because they know they can. And he knows he can get away with it, he will just scare you a little more, Say sorry, make promises, then ramp it up again. You know how it works.

What are the strange messages he is sending you?

OP you've made the first brave step. It will be really hard to do this but you and your children are in danger. If you look at this link it will direct you to your local service. You will need support, apart from your sister and other family and friends. Try not to think about what will happen to him and how he is feeling. That's not your priority.

Your risk will be increased when you leave or tell him you are leaving. Is there anything we can do to help you?

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Well done OP. You should be really proud if yourself. You have done the very best thing for you let babies and probably in th long run for your DH. I hope that you get the comfort and support that you need from your sister - but remember she will be shocked, she is not an expert and may take some time to see it clearly - sometimes friends and family can unwittingly minimise.

Don't delete the messages he has sent you. And if they were threatening in any way call the police.

It feels a bit odd to just up and leave
No doubt about that.
But please remember you are protecting your DC and yourself.
No guilt!
I'm glad your sister is supporting you.
And I really hope you can stay away from him now.
Please do call Womens Aid tomorrow.
Even if you dial a few times and hang up.
Just small steps!

Instincts often kick in for a reason. And this way what is the worst that can happen? You stayed at your sisters and felt a bit silly. What a comforting worst that is safe for your children :)

OP just another voice adding to masseuse- he chooses to scare you, torment you and is ramping it up to keep you in your place. I've been where you are. The physical comes next - in my case he hurt my child. That never happened again. Don't delete anything & do speak to women's aid. Many police forces are now good re: dv so you may wish to register your worries with them. They could have a quiet word - gell know you're serious. The depression isn't the real issue here. It's your DH choosing to abuse you & your babies. So glad you're away for now but going forward you will need to be very careful.

He was texting saying I’ve been short with him the last few days - which I’m not usually. He very rarely texts me unless it’s absolutely neccessary. I said I’ve had enough of living life on eggshells and I can’t get the things he’s said out of my head. He text back saying I’ve fucked it and I didn’t reply to that. Then he sent a text saying so I guess you’re going to leave me then and take my kids away from me. I didn’t answer again and he s by another which I don’t want to type the exact wording but it was alluding to the fact that he was going to hurt him self and also a bit of name calling.

I’ve been breaking out into patches of psoriasis recently which the dr said is stress. Never had a problem with it in my life - got a fresh patch forming on my hand this morning. I’m only just realising it’s probably related to this.

He’s just text me again there saying sorry and he needs help.

OP I hope you got to your sisters safely. You are putting your children's safety first, which is the right thing.

Please come back and tell us your are safe.

Listen to professional advice from WA and start to build the next stage of your life.

Sorry should have also said I am at my sisters now with kids.

glad to hear that OP

He is trying every hook he has in his fishing tackle to suck you back in.
A) blame
B) accusatory
C) blame, name calling
D) threats of injuring himself
E) Empty promises.

He's just circling through a well worn repertoire. One must surely work, after all they worked before? I hope you've your eyes open to the cycle now.

This is called "Hoovering" and is a recognised part of an abusive cycle. Please Google it.

He is just doing the abusers script op, as I posted earlier, abuse, say sorry, saying he will get help, abuse again ramp it up, and round and round it goes.

He's just trying to suck you back in. Get you to feel sorry for him, promise to change, threaten you with him hurting himself, get you back abuse you again.

You need to walk away, it's who he has become, it's who he is.and he can control it, becayse he doesn't do it in front of anyone else.

I'm glad you are safe at your sisters. Take care OP

It's great you are at your sisters.

I really do wish you would give WA a call now though, it's just this can inspire escalated behaviour, especially as he texted saying you was taking yourself and the kids away and further threats. I do think you should call them and tell them what he's been texting you.

They're heard all this before and are valuable at helping in these circumstances.

Bless you, your body knew something was wrong before your mind got there. I'm sorry to hear about your psoriasis, but see, you've been bearing it all for him and his health and not thinking of the toll he is putting on yours while you just take his abuses.