Really really sad

[namechangedagen]

Been together 12 years and have 2 very young DC. DH suffers from depression and will not get help. Sometimes he says he will to end an argument but he never actually goes through with it.

We’ve just gone through some big changes lately (big move, career changes etc) so it taken its toll on us and for the last year we’ve been arguing on and off - sometime petty things sometimes about him not getting help for his depression which affects our relationship greatly. The problem is he is prone to massive rages when we argue. He smashes things up - iPads, iPhones, kitchen stuff. Never in front of the kids but I find it intimidating (not to mention expensive to fix). When he’s in these rages he says awful horrible spiteful things to me which are personal - he always takes them back later but my self esteem has taken a bit of a battering. Also sometimes he does unpredictable things like a couple of months back we talked about his depression and he got up and just walked out with no shoes or shirt on and didn’t come back for hours. DM had to come watch the kids who were in bed while I drove around looking for him. I was so worried he was going to harm himself and I’d never see him again (he attempted suicide a very long time ago before I met him).

Anyway since that incident we had a make or break talk and decided we’d give it one last shot because we couldn’t go on. In that talk yet again he said he’d get help and has just been putting it off and blaming all the other stuff in our lives for not going. Yesterday was a rare child free day - we got back from a day out with friends and had a silly argument on the way back (the first since the last incident). He went mental and smashed up a guitar when we got home, even hurled a can which hit me although I’m still undecided if this was deliberate or not) and punched the wall repeatedly until his hand bled. I’m in the spare bed right now. I’m so heartbroken.

I feel like I’m not sure what to do anymore. I said last night I wanted him out first thing this morning. I can’t take it anymore. When we argue he’s quite terrifying - I barely even raise my voice as I don’t want to rock the boat but he screams at me and looks like he hates me. No one else knows this side to him. Problem is without me and and the kids he has nothing or no one. I’m so scared about what will happen to him if I go through with this today. I don’t know where he’ll go or what he’ll do. He’s really not all bad just very sick.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. I just don’t know what to do and I feel so on my own.

Somebody asked if there is a connection between his extreme rages and alcohol so was just answering that.

And sorry did not mean to ignore the concern. I’m actually really grateful for the concern people are showing I do feel quite alone at the moment so it’s nice to hear as I certainly am not getting any concern from dh at the moment. Even when he apologises it’s clear he’s feeling sorry for himself.

I suppose I do think he’s not like that and this is different. However in the last couple of days I have been trying to change that mentality...it’s just quite hard to do but I really am trying to look at it from the outside perspective. It’s just so hard to see him as this calculating and controlling I have a really hard time seeing him in this light and if I’m honest I’m still not convinced this is how he is but I am really trying to get some clarity and figure this out for what it is.

It’s so hard to explain how I feel about this. It’s so easy to just say get out when you’re not in the situation. I suppose it’s not something you truly understand unless you’re in it. As I mentioned earlier I was someone who used to think “just leave” when I heard about relationships like this.

I am making a change. I really am. It will no longer be easy to just stay and do nothing once my sister knows so I really am going to change things.

agree with Springyduff.

of course its not easy to leave.

OP I don't think it matters whether his depression is making him abusive or whether they are separate. He IS abusive towards you and that's all that matters. You deserve and are entitled to a peaceful, safe life free from fear and intimidation.

If I were in your position I'd seen a solicitor to find out your options of removing him from the house. Unless you think it would be better to leave with the children.

The fact that he won't get help for me means that the relationship is over for now.

Yes you are excusing him. And it is abusive and you must know it deep down.
It's verbal ( and could well be physical ) abuse and threatening behaviour to start with ( and fucking terrifying I'm sure).
I grew up with a raging father who didn't smash things but it left me terrified of him through my childhood and in return I never loved him, in fact I'm quite indifferent towards him. Unfortunately (after hoping I'll be smarter than my mum) I've ended up with someone who saves his rages for me to offload his anger/disappointment/work stress and it is abusive. Wish I've never met the fucker.
Your children soon will be aware of the real him.

*throughout

womens aid can help you. they will make you see things clearly and help you remove him from your home.

Just found this which has parallels to your situation

{you are trying to be your partner's parent. You excuse his behaviour because of 'stress')

nb the domestic abuse helpline is 0808 2000 247 (it is misprinted in this article). However it is better to call your local service as the helpline is very busy, especially during the day.

You have to leave him. It will kill or cure your relationship. By that I mean it will either give him a wake-up call to get help and start treating you better or he will carry in as he’s doing, in which case your relationship is better coming to an end. It is hard but you have to take decisive action.

I suppose it’s not something you truly understand unless you’re in it

I've been in it. It's abuse. He needs to be out of the house.

Local Womens Aid

They will help you. You can be anonymous when you speak to them. Tell them this story and see what they say.

How does it work? Do I just call them and start telling them everything? Or will they ask me a load of questions? I don’t know how open I’ll be on the phone to someone I don’t know. It’s so much easier to write it down

I’m worried about feeling like a time waster I feel like there are far more severe cases than mine going on.

they are helpful. you are vulnerable. you can tell them the things you wrote here.

you will feel great when you talk to them and get help. they are great support in every way.

That's because it's normal to you, to everyone else it isnt and you need support.

your case is severe, too.

Yes you call them and start telling them everything. They're used to people calling and not being able to speak, let alone form cogent sentences.

Your situation is severe op

I hope your sister can help you see this for what it is.
You say it started with DC came along.
That is exactly when abusers start to show their true colours.
That is what he is doing.
This is him.
Ignore it all at your peril because your DC will be badly affected if you stay with this bully.

Does he smash up things at work ? Does he say vile things to customers or his colleagues when he’s angry ?

I bet he doesn’t. So despite all this terrible work stress that he’s facing he can behave at work. He’s CHOOSING to act like this at home . He’s doing these things to control you, so you always do what he wants and don’t talk back , otherwise you know what will happen.

HE doesn’t have an anger problem. His anger is working out really well for him, it gets him what he wants. He’s not going to stop doing something this effective, why should he?

He won’t go for help because HE DOESNT WANT HELP. If he does see anyone, he will sabotage it.

So It’s just you and your kids who have a problem with his anger. He’s just fine with it. No wonder he gets annoyed with you for suggesting he see someone . If he stops it will take away his power.

If the smashing objects doesn't work any more, he won’t stop. He will ramp it up a bit. He will “ accidentally “ hurt you with an object or push or shove you so you are injured. And / or he will threaten suicide. Or disappear so you think he’s dead.

The knife is a clever touch. You don’t know if it’s to threaten self harm or to kill you or the kids. If you call the police on him, he will say he was
going to use it on himself. That’s he’s a poor mentally ill man and you are an evil heartless cow who doesn’t undertand his issues.

Of course people who plan to sell harm HIDE their knives. They don’t leave them out on display.

He’s not committed an offence because he didn’t threaten you or the kids. This guy Thinks he is smart enough to stay on the right side of the law.

But you, of course, know the risk to your children because you read the news. You know that last week in a small Perthshire town, a father stabbed and killed his 10 year old son and critically injured his 8 year old daughter. I expect we will find that he did it to punish his partner / ex. They all do. And the neighbours will say what a normal guy he was.

There’s a story like this every few weeks, angry controlling men murdering their kids to punish the kid’s mother. Along with the two women a week murdered for their disobedience to their partner or ex.

So of course your husband won’t give you an explanation for the knife. It will take away all his power if he says he was using it to do some electrics. He wants you to be scared, really scared. That’s the point.

These guys love drama. Anything rather than actually sit down and discuss things calmly and rationally. Anything rather than having to listen to other people’s feelings and views and having to take responsibility for their own actions.

Abusers like to keep the attention 100% on themselves and not on you or their kids.

He’s doing this really well. Even when posters here ask you “ what about you and the kids ?” , your answer is always “ But what about him, how will he manage ? “.

perfectly written S0PH1A .

S0PHIA hits the nail on the head.

I know it's hard to get your head around WHY it's abuse rather than a mental illness. Hopefully this link may help

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/coercive-control-and-the-law/

I have depression and can sometimes want to smash things up. I don't though, as I know that it would really scare DH and be a PITA to fix. Agree with PP that he does that to keep you in your place.

Also, no, not everyone says awful things when they're depressed and angry. DH and I NEVER speak to one another like that as we love and respect each other.

Giving another vote for HE LEFT THE KNIFE THERE FOR YOU TO FIND.

Bravo, Sophia. Nail, head.

Yes, op he is abusing you and controlling you. Even the knife, left where you could find it, a little bit of blood, a refusal to discuss, is a way to scare you, get your attention, scare you into staying. If he didn't want to do those things he'd have covered his tracks.

The smashing things up, saying horrible things, it's all to scare you, control you, it's something he can control because he controls it round everyone else.

You need to accept this is what and who he is. It's not an illness although he may also be ill. But if he is able to control it when he wishes then it is a deliberate choice. I think when you accept that this is something he can control and chooses not to, then you can see him for what he is or has become, or who he always was.