Really really sad

[namechangedagen]

Been together 12 years and have 2 very young DC. DH suffers from depression and will not get help. Sometimes he says he will to end an argument but he never actually goes through with it.

We’ve just gone through some big changes lately (big move, career changes etc) so it taken its toll on us and for the last year we’ve been arguing on and off - sometime petty things sometimes about him not getting help for his depression which affects our relationship greatly. The problem is he is prone to massive rages when we argue. He smashes things up - iPads, iPhones, kitchen stuff. Never in front of the kids but I find it intimidating (not to mention expensive to fix). When he’s in these rages he says awful horrible spiteful things to me which are personal - he always takes them back later but my self esteem has taken a bit of a battering. Also sometimes he does unpredictable things like a couple of months back we talked about his depression and he got up and just walked out with no shoes or shirt on and didn’t come back for hours. DM had to come watch the kids who were in bed while I drove around looking for him. I was so worried he was going to harm himself and I’d never see him again (he attempted suicide a very long time ago before I met him).

Anyway since that incident we had a make or break talk and decided we’d give it one last shot because we couldn’t go on. In that talk yet again he said he’d get help and has just been putting it off and blaming all the other stuff in our lives for not going. Yesterday was a rare child free day - we got back from a day out with friends and had a silly argument on the way back (the first since the last incident). He went mental and smashed up a guitar when we got home, even hurled a can which hit me although I’m still undecided if this was deliberate or not) and punched the wall repeatedly until his hand bled. I’m in the spare bed right now. I’m so heartbroken.

I feel like I’m not sure what to do anymore. I said last night I wanted him out first thing this morning. I can’t take it anymore. When we argue he’s quite terrifying - I barely even raise my voice as I don’t want to rock the boat but he screams at me and looks like he hates me. No one else knows this side to him. Problem is without me and and the kids he has nothing or no one. I’m so scared about what will happen to him if I go through with this today. I don’t know where he’ll go or what he’ll do. He’s really not all bad just very sick.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. I just don’t know what to do and I feel so on my own.

It sounds as though he is abusing you aswell as being depressed. Unfortunetlely it can go hand in hand.
I learnt the hard way with my ex dh and I'm glad to be free of him and you can to be free of this drain by leaving him.

If someone won't seek help and is making your life hell as a consequence don't stay around for the car crash. It's selfish to not seek help when you are hurting every one around you. He is selfish, don't let him carry on destroying you.

He needs to leave the marital home today.

Abuse as well thrives on secrecy; you really do need to be opening up to trusted people. I would think too that some friends or members of your family have their own suspicions about your H. Actually you have taken a small but significant step by writing on here about him. Continue this momentum.

Your main concern is that he will hurt himself yes? There’s nothing you can do to control that without hurting yourself. And your children. He is an adult. He can find help for himself.

Your DC are tiny. They need you to protect them. Why make 3 people suffer for the benefit of one person who won’t help himself?

Op I'm sorry you are going through this. It's a hard situation. This is abuse and you need to get out of this relationship.
Your children are aware of this. It's not what you want to hear but I'm sorry even young babies will pick up on domestic abuse, even if they don't really understand what is happening. The fact that they are in the house means they could potentially hear him and be terrified. Not sure if you have heard of childhood aces and toxic stress but please have a google. The baby will pick up on your stress too. Please use them as a reason to call women's aid. A good father would not put his children through this, he would get help for his mental health issues.

How do you know he's depressed? Because he tells you? Because he's horrible?

Please leave this awful, aggressive, avuaive man.

He is controlling your every move. He is a toxic nightmare. Leave.

*abusive

If you're worried about what to tell your children, if he committed suicide, think about someone else telling them that their father has killed their mother. He's violent, OP, and he's taking it out on you. This isn't the normal response to depression so stop feeling sorry for him and take some action now.

The violence worries me. He may not lay hands on you but he is demonstrating it in front of you by smashing things up - that is a threat in itself. Please get some support and get him out of the house. You have tried and i am concerned it might get out of hand.

I can’t tell is he’s a victim of his own illness or if he is as controlling as people are saying.

You've clearly become conditioned to thinking about him and his needs all the time. Even in a thread which details how horrible he is to you, your concern is for him. That has to stop. He doesn't deserve that level of concern (no, not even if he's depressed, not even if he's suicidal) because by prioritizing that you are putting your wellbeing and your kids' wellbeing last. Tell him - don't ask, tell - he has to go to his parents now. Speak to Women's Aid. Prepare to let him cope. You'll be surprised to find he will, if he has to.

Your babies are having a terrible, terrible start in life.

This 24/7, 360 degree, volatile, toxic mess, is seeping into their developing neurological systems causing trauma which will develop into their own behavioural issues, anxieties, stress and significant MH issues down the line. Isn’t this what happened to your DH with his DPs. Stop this now.

They have one parent, their DF who is at best emotionally absent wrapped up in his MH issue - but in reality, worse, oozing simmering rage - sounds to be indirectly directed at them (parenting?).

And a mother who is preoccupied, in FOG, on eggshells with his issues / volatility.

You are not giving them all of you. You will get more and more depleted and exhausted They only have one parent, who is diminishing.

Make your babies the priority if you can’t do it for yourself.

Get support thru friends and family by saying it out loud - he can’t hide or control once the genie is out if the bottle and get experts for counselling for YOU. You need to build your MH stronger to get out of this.

If you knew that you had explosive rages that caused you to abuse the person you love and destroy things, would you seek help or not?

This ^^

Also if you really think he’s ill and not abusive, why haven’t you told any of your friends and family ? Would you tell them if he was ill with heart disease or diabetes ? Of course you would .

@namechangedagen How has your day been? We're you able to ask him to stay with his parents? Your post gave me flash backs to my own relationship, the only difference being there was some physical violence along side the smashing up of things and name calling. He too was depressed. And blamed everything on his childhood. Or me pushing him too far. But he would not get help for his depression. Or take medication. I was worried about him and what he might do if I left. When I finally had the courage to tell him to leave he threatened to harm himself or worse. He was in touch with a crisis team. 2 years later he is still alive and me and my DC are safe. He is still harassing me and I feel awful that he doesn't see his DC. He is heartbroken, but I could not carry on subjecting myself and DC to his behaviour.

OP you cannot help him. Whatever the reason he need to want to change. He needs to look for help - professional help.
The only thing you will achieve by staying is to "spread" this to your children.
You may think you are being caring because he "needs you", but your children are helpless and they will be affected if they haven't already.

Threatening suicide / self harm is another classic abusive and controlling tactic - the advice is always - don't let that happen - call the emergencies service - they are the experts to deal with it if it is real - and you are calling his bluff if not.

He is abusive and you are co dependent

If you stay, your children will be damaged. Is this ok with you ?

I do feel emotionally isolated as I don’t feel I can tell anyone in real life what’s going on.

Tell everyone. Everyone. As soon as you can. Then he will have a network of people who know the depth of his problem who can between them keep an eye on him when you break up.

Start putting your children's mental health and your own mental health at the centre of your thinking instead of it all being him him him.

Sure this has been said - if he can control himself in front of others, he could do the same with you but he CHOOSES not to. Not acceptable.

So I barely got to speak to him yesterday he spent most of the day in bed with a hangover (as I said earlier he very rarely drinks so it hit him hard). When he got up he apologised admitted he’s got problems which is what he always does.

I told him I want him to take time off work and go stay with his parents. He’s point blank refused and said he can’t - with his line of work he would get managed out the door and not be hireable (I do believe this is true). I was too emotionally drained to fight it yesterday so we ended up taking the kids out and not talking about it until they went to bed. I bought it up again and he was very reluctant to talk about it again so I went to bed early and he did too.

This morning I’m absolutely determined to do something. I told him yesterday I want people to know so we can get support. He said no but I’m going to talk to my sister today who is very supportive and very sensible (she used to volunteer for Samaritans too). I’ve just text him now saying what would he do in my situation and will wait for a response. I don’t want to go on like this any more - I found a knife in the bathroom today which I believe he took in the night of the argument intending to hurt himself with. I hadn’t thought anything of it until I saw the knife but I do remember seeing blood and wondering where it was from. Did confront him about it but he refused to answer me.

Not sure what I’m going to do beyond calling my sister but I’m taking it one step at a time at the moment. Going to talk through the idea of calling his parents but this will take a lot of guts on my part. There will be no turning back once I’ve done that. I’m thinking if anyone can give me the courage to do it it will be her.

Please focus on what you can do to keep you and your children safe. Remember you aren’t responsible for him or his feelings. Although understandably you care. Just put yourself and the children first.

Yes do tell your sister ASAP and let her help and advice you.

Re his work, isn’t it illegal to discriminate against someone who is ill? Would he have to be truthful as to what’s wrong with him? Could he initially said he had flu or something, just to give him time?

To be absolutely blunt -

I feel alarm and fear that you and the kids are holed up in an isolated house with effectively a raging bull of a man who plays around with knives. I feel very concerned (indeed) for your safety.

I hope your sister encourages you to call the police to have him removed. He is a great danger to you all. I've had terrible depression and I didn't treat people like this.

Please do not think he 'wouldn't do something like that' - that's what almost every victim thought.

Please protect you and the kids. Do not be thinking of his job over your lives.

He’s really not all bad just very sick
He's abusive!
Really really abusive.
I hope your sister can help you with all of this.
Really though!? You need Womens Aid and you need an exit plan.
This is an awful environment for your DC go grow up in.
He WON'T get help.
You are NOT a mental health professional.
Please get away from him.
Once he's getting help to sort himself out maybe you can relook at it.
But.... he's abusive and that very rarely changes!

Well done OP you are starting to see the light and you have taken the first steps - tha hardest steps to resolve this.

Show your sister this thread.