His ex wife is such hard work, I'm thinking of ending it

[user1494356544]

My partner and his wife have been split up for over 2 years and they have one son. She has always hated me, (and all over his other female friends). I've known him 10 years and he's been my business partner for 3. Nothing happened between us until about a year ago. We've always been great friends but never been single at the same time.

Anyway, after I split with my last boyfriend we got together and she's just a constant source of stress. We agreed not to introduce me to his son as his girlfriend, he's always known me as his dads friend and comes into our place of work. He is only 5 so there didn't seem to be any need to do this and make a big deal, we aren't affectionate in front of him and he has never asked any questions.

We have always considered his exes feelings to the point now where it is just ridiculous. She has painted me as the OW, who came in and lured her husband away from her. She accuses us of having an emotional affair (we were friends & business partners) not true in the slightest, he was very unhappy in his marriage and had been for a long a time. I actively resisted his affection for a year after they split (i was recently single and not ready to mess up our working relationship either) and I've always been really considerate not to hurt her feelings. She was ill in july and I made him go and sleep at her house over night as I knew she'd be worried about being home alone so ill. She got taken to hospital the next morning and I took him to the hospital everyday, dropped their son off at holiday club each morning and covered him in work so he could look after her. I encouraged him to invite her on a family holiday, it would have been the first time her son was in another country without her (with his parents, nieces etc) which he did and I waited until she (& son) had gone home before I joined him.

She is venomous about me to the point that I can't take it anymore. She refuses to say my name, calling me "that women" she causes massive rows for the smallest reasons, i.e. I dropped my partner off at her house so he could have dinner with his son. She was furious that I had been "brought" to her house (I dropped him off at the end of the road so she didn't have to see me). She would not allow her son in our place of work for first 8 months of our relationship, she recently told my partner that she was worried he couldn't protect his son from me (presumably because I'm so evil!?) It's just so draining. My partner tiptoes around her, always tries to keep her happy and everything is on her terms. I see my friends dealing with their exes new girlfriends and its difficult for them, another woman spending time with your kids always is, but they get on with it.

I had breakfast today with my friend who told me her kids are going to disneyland for the first time with their dad and his girlfriend on boxing day. She said, "well I can't afford to take them and I don't want them to miss out, of course I want to see their faces and make those memories but I have to accept that his new girlfriend is also part of their lives..."

After this breakfast I dropped his sons book bag at exes house, it was around the corner from where I was and had been left in the car by accident. I was just going to leave it on step as my partner is away for the weekend. Her car was not there so I jumped out and was half way to the door when she came out of the side door, we were both taken aback I just said heres his book bag, left it on the step and drove off. I was there 5 seconds, I was trying to do her a favour, it really feels like no big deal. She now has caused yet another major row and as usual my partner is so understanding of her feelings. I'm just not sure I can go on with our relationship. I can't see it getting better. I text her a month ago after she crossed the line bad mouthing me and she didn't reply as I'm not worth the effort. I've come to end of the road with my feelings of good will towards her. I'm sick of this situation and I'm sick of my partner not standing up to her.

Sorry for the long post. I just needed to rant.

Sounds like you've got a partner problem.

You've become the butt of all the unhappiness she has about her relationship ending - it's not hard to find a scapegoat. Maybe he keeps her sweet because he's terrified he'll lose access to the kids. This is not good enough for you though.

Maybe you're right and it's time to go your separate ways. Quite how that's going to pan out professionally I'm not sure. I don't envy you

If I had left at this point, it would have saved me a lot of heartache and stress. Of course I wouldn't swap my children with DH for the world but I won't ever forget being made to feel like the bottom of the pile. For example, her screaming down the phone at him when I was pregnant and when I pulled MY phone cable out in MY house it was all my fault when she went even more ballistic.

That sounds really difficult for you and sounds as though you’ve really tried.
Have you told him how you’re feeling? I would sit him down and explain that these goings on are a deal breaker for you. If things don’t improve, I would be walking!

If she doesn't speak to you, who exactly is she arguing with? Why is your partner going for dinner to her house? Why is he sleeping over? Why do you have to drop him at the end of the street?
I smell a rat!

I feel for you. I think you're right. He should be standing up to her. She sounds a controlling fruit loop. I think that some men are so subservient to their ex wife because they're scared of losing contact with their children. My husband was a bit like that when I met him, his ex walked all over him, and hated me initially because I told him to stand up to her a bit. It wasn't easy, but he did. One day she was telling him that I had nothing to do with anything, and he said he was going to marry me and I would be a stepmum, so I would always be part of his child's life. I was very proud of him, and she did back off a bit. It did get easier, as time went on, but it's always a little bit of an issue and it's always a bit of a weight on the relationship, but it's ok if you're standing together and on the same page.

I think you need to sit h I'm down and tell him this is killing the relationship for you and he needs to step up a bit if it's going to work. If he won't/can't I think I'd walk away too. And if you do stay together all the creeping around dropping him at the end of the road needs to stop. You exist, you weren't the other woman, and you've nothing to hide..

Thanks for your replies, its the first time I've posted and it's nice to hear other people's views. It's a shame because I know my partner is trying to keep everyone happy. It just seems like it's not possible. I told him the other day that my friend is in a whatsapp group with her ex, his partner and her partner. they use it to arrange school drop offs, football after school clubs, lost PE kits etc

He just laughed and said thats never going to happen...

Soontobe60, I chose to drop him off at the end of the road because of the drama she always causes. He was going for dinner at her house for his son's birthday which I encouraged. He stayed over because she was desperately ill and I heard the worry in her voice on the phone to him so told him to go, he didn't want to....

First of all she sounds massively insecure - unfortunately she has also got him right where she wants him, and in turn this has made you feel insecure because you quite rightly feel he should stand up to her a little more, and stick up for you. What you need to work out once and for all is whether he is putting up with her shit because of their son, which I'm fairly sure he is. My own ex was forced to feel the need to send me shitty horrible texts one Christmas because of his gf's insecurity over us being friendly for our son.

The next time I saw him, I completely called him out on it, saying "I genuinely hope it made her feel better about herself, you sending me that text that was actually written by her". He was so taken aback that there was just no denying it.

So lets just say that that is what he is doing - allowing her to treat you like crap, to make herself feel better - and letting her get away with shitty behaviour because of the son. Get these cards out on the table, now. But also say that you will not be waiting down the road like an idiot and all the other things you are doing, like the holidays etc. Next year his son will be 6 and that is old enough to see and accept that Daddy has a new gf and, bonus, its someone he knows and trusts. Great!

In order for the relationship to have any future YOU have to come first in HIS agenda. No more staying over, no more eggshells, the absolute bare minimum of contact, etc. None of this will harm his relationship or contact rights to his child. This stage HAS to be moved on from, now, and certainly into next year.

If he won't do this, reconsider your options.

If she can't be civil to him and his girlfriend then she doesn't get to ring him when she's sick and needing support. And why play happy families on birthdays etc when they clearly aren't a happy family. If he's going out of his way to be nice to her in these circumstances and she can't even be civil in return, then she can ring someone else when she's ill. The poor child in the middle of all this. He'll be well aware of it all and probably feeli bad about it. 😞

But you can only say this to him, it's him who has to see it and decide.

Stop encouraging him to do things he wouldn’t otherwise be doing. He’s perfectly capable of making his own decisions about how close to her he wants to be. She’s doing her best to manipulate him and you’re influencing him by another tactic.

Poor sod could do with being able to make his own choices no matter what the women in his life think.

I think you should end it, for lots of reasons but mainly because I think your partner is the issue.

He is likely to be feeling guilt and whilst you think you know the full story of their marriage you will only have his view.I suspect he is not as innocent as you believe.

My Ex was married before and I definitely met him well after their separation and his Ex was badly behaved, towards him. She appeared irrational so easy to believe his side...however I left him and only now understand the trauma he will have caused her. Her reaction was not healthy but she was in a bad place and probably didn't have the support I did. I would not act how she did but I have learnt usually if there is an Ex problem...look hard at your partner..

Either way I would leave, life is too short to be around toxic people. Choose to remove yourself, not so she wins but because you deserve better

Next year his son will be 6 and that is old enough to see and accept that Daddy has a new gf and, bonus, its someone he knows and trusts. Great!

Really? His 6 year old may not think so.

YOU have to come first in HIS agenda.

whilst you think you know the full story of their marriage you will only have his view.

True. There's 3 sides to every story. His, hers and the truth.

I'm in no rush to make a big deal of our relationship to his son, there's no need as far as I can see. Especially until I'm happy that we will be definitely moving forward.

I suppose I'm hurt that he seems more concerned about her feelings, than mine. I don't believe he is an angel or that I know the first thing about their marriage. She was so fragile when they split up I did really feel for her. When text her I was hoping we could start some sort of dialogue where we could get things off our chests and move forward. Her refusal to even acknowledge my message seems so rude that is made me lose all good will towards her. Maybe there is no going back. I just don't want this in my life.

You get the whole package and even your bit of the package isn't smoothing the path for you.

Definitely best to walk.

OP - I am not sure why you care what she thinks of you.
Or why you involve yourself in what your BF does - beyond just being supportive.

If i were in your place - i’d just not interacted with her. No need to talk, or build relationship, or get anything off anyone’s chest.
Your relationship is with your bf.

OP you seem very concerned with his ex and it's not your place to be. By telling your DP how to behave towards her and what to do in situations you are actually denying him the chance to man up and make his own decisions. You are controlling him in your own way by trying to manage him. Step back and trust him that he is able to deal with his ex appropriately and see what happens. You are far too involved and you need to set better boundaries for yourself while they sort out how to co-parent.

I suppose I do care that someone hates me, and I don't particularly want my boyfriend being so kind and understanding of someone bad mouthing me.

I'd like to just have a normal life where I could drop off a school bag, exchange pleasantries/be civil and that to be just standard day to day, no drama event.

I didnt really think I was controlling my BF but yeah maybe I am. I need to step back and think about this properly.

Yeah I would end it.

Try not to give her so much headspace. Tell your DP how you feel and then step back from his relationship with his son until it becomes more bearable for you.

Do you have children op?

End it. It’s not going to get better

There are so many other men in the world. You do not need to be in the middle of this drama. It's sad for him but he'll need to improve his boundaries before he's ready to date. Maybe you'll still be available, maybe you wont, but you definitely should not be managing his messy relationship with his ex.

Never mix business with pleasure this will not end well. You will never be first or a priority, move on before you’re too invested in the personal relationship. Otherwise it will just be heartbreak, been there done that. Every Christmas and other key dates, fitted in around his previous life. The ex wife won’t change, she’s had 2years of calling the shots. It’s not you, the next partner that comes along will also get the same level of respect.

Op, imagine she is really unhappy & angry about the split. She needs someone to blame for it all going wrong. You are the perfect candidate. She can loath you in her head and it will make her feel better.
And then you turn out to be thoughtful & considerate! Inviting her on holiday! Helping when she is ill! How infuriating must that be! .
I’d step right back. There doesn’t need to be any interaction between you at all. If she needs a blame-figure, perhaps not being so helpful would be better. If it means she makes less of a fuss and enables you and dp to have a happy relationship, it might be worth a go.

Quit looking after their child. Pack his bags and drop them off at the marital home. Then sack him