His ex wife is such hard work, I'm thinking of ending it

[user1494356544]

My partner and his wife have been split up for over 2 years and they have one son. She has always hated me, (and all over his other female friends). I've known him 10 years and he's been my business partner for 3. Nothing happened between us until about a year ago. We've always been great friends but never been single at the same time.

Anyway, after I split with my last boyfriend we got together and she's just a constant source of stress. We agreed not to introduce me to his son as his girlfriend, he's always known me as his dads friend and comes into our place of work. He is only 5 so there didn't seem to be any need to do this and make a big deal, we aren't affectionate in front of him and he has never asked any questions.

We have always considered his exes feelings to the point now where it is just ridiculous. She has painted me as the OW, who came in and lured her husband away from her. She accuses us of having an emotional affair (we were friends & business partners) not true in the slightest, he was very unhappy in his marriage and had been for a long a time. I actively resisted his affection for a year after they split (i was recently single and not ready to mess up our working relationship either) and I've always been really considerate not to hurt her feelings. She was ill in july and I made him go and sleep at her house over night as I knew she'd be worried about being home alone so ill. She got taken to hospital the next morning and I took him to the hospital everyday, dropped their son off at holiday club each morning and covered him in work so he could look after her. I encouraged him to invite her on a family holiday, it would have been the first time her son was in another country without her (with his parents, nieces etc) which he did and I waited until she (& son) had gone home before I joined him.

She is venomous about me to the point that I can't take it anymore. She refuses to say my name, calling me "that women" she causes massive rows for the smallest reasons, i.e. I dropped my partner off at her house so he could have dinner with his son. She was furious that I had been "brought" to her house (I dropped him off at the end of the road so she didn't have to see me). She would not allow her son in our place of work for first 8 months of our relationship, she recently told my partner that she was worried he couldn't protect his son from me (presumably because I'm so evil!?) It's just so draining. My partner tiptoes around her, always tries to keep her happy and everything is on her terms. I see my friends dealing with their exes new girlfriends and its difficult for them, another woman spending time with your kids always is, but they get on with it.

I had breakfast today with my friend who told me her kids are going to disneyland for the first time with their dad and his girlfriend on boxing day. She said, "well I can't afford to take them and I don't want them to miss out, of course I want to see their faces and make those memories but I have to accept that his new girlfriend is also part of their lives..."

After this breakfast I dropped his sons book bag at exes house, it was around the corner from where I was and had been left in the car by accident. I was just going to leave it on step as my partner is away for the weekend. Her car was not there so I jumped out and was half way to the door when she came out of the side door, we were both taken aback I just said heres his book bag, left it on the step and drove off. I was there 5 seconds, I was trying to do her a favour, it really feels like no big deal. She now has caused yet another major row and as usual my partner is so understanding of her feelings. I'm just not sure I can go on with our relationship. I can't see it getting better. I text her a month ago after she crossed the line bad mouthing me and she didn't reply as I'm not worth the effort. I've come to end of the road with my feelings of good will towards her. I'm sick of this situation and I'm sick of my partner not standing up to her.

Sorry for the long post. I just needed to rant.

You sound as if you're managing and organising their relationship.

All this making sure you bring him to the house, suggesting he goes on holiday with her etc.

if you was doing what he was supposed to do in terms of being with and seeing his son, he be pro-active and there's no way you'd be doing all that. He's an adult, he doesn't need you to micro-manage him but I guess it's much easier for him if you do.

I've seen similar situations before, where the man is deemed such a good and nice man, but in reality can't really be bothered with his child(ren) of previous relationship in terms of putting in the time eg taking child out even if just cinema, 1-2-1 time etc - and the ex-wife is a bitch for resenting that. It's an underlying cause for a lot of arguments.

It doesn't sound like he spends any time with his child that isn't organised or facilitated and mostly attended by you.

Just step off and let them sort out what they need to. Leave him to spend time with his son, you don't have to be around all the time. I'm sure you've got other things you want and need to do.

You don't have to come across his ex-wife. Unless you want to, of course.

As for her talking about you, there's not much you can do about that really but let it slide.

Tell your man not to tell you what she says about you after all, what's the point/purpose in it being relayed to you anyway. She thinks what she thinks, you think what you think. That's it.

You have to get used to the idea you will always be badmouthed, always come third in the list of priorities and always will feel insecure and on edge and never have peace of mind in this relationship.

Once you come to terms with all that just how miserable your life will be will be clear.

If you don't want constant aggro, constant upset then don't entwine yourself with a man who can't put you first.

I would end it. It all sounds like a massive headache that won’t get much better with time.

Plenty of other men out there that have healthy relationships with their exes, so don’t settle for this mess.

Honestly, you haven’t been together that long and you aren’t happy in this relationship. You can lay it out to your partner and tell him exactly how you feel, see what his reaction is. Honesty is the best policy here. Don’t try and convince yourself that you are happy.

You deserve to feel happy, valued, supported, respected.

Stop facilitating and helping and enabling. So stop arranging him to stay overnight when she’s ill or to go on holiday before you or dropping collecting bags/children/partner at hers. Take a step back and tell him you’re taking a step back to reflect on things. He may feel she has him over a barrel because she’s the main carer. However he needs to be clear he won’t tolerate rudeness. It might be that she still harbours feelings for him? And is still coming to terms with the breakup. Or maybe she’s got mental health issues which overshadow

I agree with GloomyMonday.

From the wife’s point of view you are the other woman. He’s played both of you really- I reckon if you had gone along with it he would have been seeing you as a mistress when he was married. He was just waiting for the green light from you.

He probably mentioned you a lot at home, pushed his wife away to make himself feel better (that he was somehow justified in leaving such a “dreadful” in his eyes marriage without really working on it) and his wife was probably really, really suspicious a long time before everything came out.

He doesn’t sound like much of a catch to be honest. You’re both better off without him.

He could have liked you for years op. Sounds like you liked him too.

Agree with others, you sound like the OW even if nothing technically happened. I think it’s only natural that she is going to hate you, in her eyes you have destroyed her marriage and now you’re moving in on her son.

I would say the best course of action is to keep your distance from all of them and accept that wounds need to heal first, at the moment you’re just the salt.

Meanwhile in the real world where people have emotions which may or may not be fair or rational, if the ex does see the OP as the reason that her marriage ended then OP being aware of that possibility may help her to understand the situation

Hasn’t helped so far, has it?

The OP isn’t the OW. If the ex-wife thinks she is, she is wrong. Do you suggest the OP tiptoes around to pander to the exwife’s ‘sensitivities’? Forever?

What really stood out to me was early in your first post:

You’ve been friends for 10 years but never been single at the same.

To his ex, you are not only the OW, but it’s a full on Charles/Diana/Camilla job!

You would not have written that sentence that way if you had not both liked each other for all those years.

So she’s possibly spent most of the relationship knowing he’d rather be with you. From her point of view, that’s one hell of an emotional affair. She may have been subjected to hearing your name over and over again.

Now, I still think she needs to behave with dignity.

But please don’t underestimate how much vitriol could be stemming from a not unreasonable view that actually you were the OW.

And also - you’re far too involved. Let him make decisions about staying at hers, dropping off book bags etc. Back off!!!!

I dont think the ex wife is wrong though stoic - the initial post sets out clearly that he has always had feelings for her and a mutual attraction was there

Just because she never acted on them and hasnt done anything wrong doesnt mean that her shadow did not extend over the marriage.

The only reason they were not together is they were in relationships - it sounds like they became single at the same time i.e. the minute she was single he checked out of the marriage completely

You can totally see why the ex has always hated her but she hates the wrong person - there is one guilty party in all of this and its the partner

Just because she never acted on them and hasnt done anything wrong doesnt mean that her shadow did not extend over the marriage.

Still not the OP’s fault. If the ex-wife wants to act like a dick, it’s on her. I’m surprised any woman would back up her behaviour, especially considering there is a child involved.

I don’t even know if the guy has done anything wrong. None of us knows that.

Of all the single men on the planet...why him? Unless you like this stress and drama...it's not worth it.

I'd cut lose and end it. You staying with him long term and possibly marrying him, will only make things worse.

He panders.... because he's guilty. He knows he had feelings for you while in his marriage and she probably knew or suspected it too.

This was never going to end well... you were a bit naive to think you could start playing stepmum and it would all be hunky dory.

The Charles... Camilla..Diana thing is a good comparison.

I think you are sending mixed messages because you want to be seen as reasonable. On one hand you want him to stick up for you and on the other you are encouraging him to invite her on holiday in spite of her treating you like dirt. You are showing him you are accepting of her behaviour.

I think you need a proper sit down chat about strategy. It may be that he isn’t willing to play it any other way and the relationship is over but won’t you regret not trying?

You've got to admit OP, you being business partners/friends before they split and then you just happen to get together is gonna sound pretty suspicious to her.
Most women would be pissed off.
Then coupled with you dropping book bags off, advising him on how to deal with her, and generally being over involved, it looks like you're taking the piss. No wonder she freaks out.
Put yourself in her shoes, he's probably been gaslighting her for years over the nature of your relationship or at least his feelings for you, and now you seem to be wedged into her life.
Accept you won't have a friendly relationship with her, I'm surprised you think that'll be possible considering the history, and back off micromanaging his relationship with his ex wife.

Stoic it hasn’t helped so far because there is nothing in any of the OP’s posts that suggest she has even entertained the possibility that this could be the case!

And no, don’t be overdramatic, I’m not suggesting that the ex gets tiptoed around forever. What I (and a fair few others) am saying is that whilst OP might not see it, there is a good chance that the ex has seen the OP as a threat to her marriage for a good long while and now has been proved right. And however you judge the ex she is hurt and lashing out. And I would also say that OP playing the Good Samaritan is probably inadvertently making it worse.

You might not think your the other woman. How do you know that year when they were split up and he was perusing you... I know of so many men that split, then are trying to make things work out with the wife. Who usually is thinking this is with a view to getting back together. All at the same time are lining another woman up so they have options.

@McWilde has just summed up my thoughts on how you aren’t helping exactly!

She accuses us of having an emotional affair

Considering how much he shared with you about his marriage, I can understand why she says this.

You know he was unhappy.

You know she hated you.

You know she hated all his other female friends.

In spite of him (and her) knowing she hated you...you became even closer than friends and became business partners.

I don't know a woman on God's green earth who would be happy her husband became a business partner with a woman she allegedly hated.

No man would like it either ..if it was reversed.

You became business partners...meaning in reality you'd be spending more time together.

Take some time to reflect on this.

I wouldn't go in partnership with a man my husband disliked or hated...it's a recipe for disaster...and I suspect that was the real decline of the marriage.

In her shoes...that would be my DH saying fu*k you... I don't care if you don't like her. My feelings as his wife are totally disregarded.

You were his priority at that point....not her. Or maybe he was his own priority...and he wasn't thinking about either of your feelings.

You may not have known his intentions...but I suspect he probably orchestrated this.

Stoic it hasn’t helped so far because there is nothing in any of the OP’s posts that suggest she has even entertained the possibility that this could be the case!

Yet she has been incredibly accommodating so far. Much more so than I would’ve been. But then I expect adults to act like adults.

@McWilde

We cross posted. Exactly the same point in regards to the business partnership.

Great minds.☺

I think you are sending mixed messages because you want to be seen as reasonable. On one hand you want him to stick up for you and on the other you are encouraging him to invite her on holiday in spite of her treating you like dirt. You are showing him you are accepting of her behaviour

Exactly. Why try to influence him to be closer to her and then have issues with that. Why is he not capable of making his own choices and arrangements?

Step back, let him deal with her without you being involved at all. You’ll feel less affected, he’ll be responsible for his own relationship with her which will probably be less as a result.

As others have said, you’ve been in his life for a long time so it’ll look to her like overlap. Of course she’s going to hate that.

I know you were trying to be helpful with the book bag but if I went out of my front door and saw my ex’s girlfriend (especially if I believed she was the ow) on my doorstep I would not be too pleased. I think you should back off with doing the extra things at the moment.

Having said that I can’t work out your partner’s actions. Is he telling you when she is angry and texting him? That doesn’t help. It sounds like he needs to toughen up on his boundaries too.

I wouldn’t blame you for calling it a day specially as the child is so young.

Can you imagine being her OP, the breakdown of your marriage, suddenly the ex getting together with the friend you suspected all along, and then you're getting text messages from her, book bags dropped off, etc etc.
She must feel you're rubbing her face in it, no wonder she's raging with anger.
Leave her alone and stop trying to sort your partners issues out, the situation will probably resolve if you stop provoking her.

Even the holiday scenario sounds one of the most unhealthy patronising things I have ever heard of. It screams out to be an echo of the marriage. The ex gets a few days grace at the benevolence of you, him and his family. Then she is quietly moved off the scene so you can swoop in and take her place. Now that might not be how it was intended to be but is how it could be read. It sounds like something Victorian.

The grownup way to deal with it would have been for your DP to tell her you were going on holiday well in advance and that was that. If she felt so aggrieved that her son would experience a foreign holiday without her she could have gone away with him herself. If it mattered that much. Which it doesn’t in the grand scheme of things. Doesn’t her pay enough maintenance to ensure she can offer his son a equal lie to yours?

If she has always hated you, things aren't going to improve. Of course you appear to be the ow as far as she is concerned. And as she didn't like you anyway, she is going to be very resistant to sharing any parenting with you.

Two years isn't very long, in terms of coming to terms with their split - have they even divorced yet if they were married? Depending on her background, she may still consider herself the rightful partner and you a temporary aberration.

I've known ex-wives who were still behaving like this 25 years later, with less encouragement than your partner is giving her. You could be in this for the long term.

I agree that you have made a mistake mixing business and love. How upset would you be to split with your partner and find someone else? And how disruptive would that be to your business?