His ex wife is such hard work, I'm thinking of ending it

[user1494356544]

My partner and his wife have been split up for over 2 years and they have one son. She has always hated me, (and all over his other female friends). I've known him 10 years and he's been my business partner for 3. Nothing happened between us until about a year ago. We've always been great friends but never been single at the same time.

Anyway, after I split with my last boyfriend we got together and she's just a constant source of stress. We agreed not to introduce me to his son as his girlfriend, he's always known me as his dads friend and comes into our place of work. He is only 5 so there didn't seem to be any need to do this and make a big deal, we aren't affectionate in front of him and he has never asked any questions.

We have always considered his exes feelings to the point now where it is just ridiculous. She has painted me as the OW, who came in and lured her husband away from her. She accuses us of having an emotional affair (we were friends & business partners) not true in the slightest, he was very unhappy in his marriage and had been for a long a time. I actively resisted his affection for a year after they split (i was recently single and not ready to mess up our working relationship either) and I've always been really considerate not to hurt her feelings. She was ill in july and I made him go and sleep at her house over night as I knew she'd be worried about being home alone so ill. She got taken to hospital the next morning and I took him to the hospital everyday, dropped their son off at holiday club each morning and covered him in work so he could look after her. I encouraged him to invite her on a family holiday, it would have been the first time her son was in another country without her (with his parents, nieces etc) which he did and I waited until she (& son) had gone home before I joined him.

She is venomous about me to the point that I can't take it anymore. She refuses to say my name, calling me "that women" she causes massive rows for the smallest reasons, i.e. I dropped my partner off at her house so he could have dinner with his son. She was furious that I had been "brought" to her house (I dropped him off at the end of the road so she didn't have to see me). She would not allow her son in our place of work for first 8 months of our relationship, she recently told my partner that she was worried he couldn't protect his son from me (presumably because I'm so evil!?) It's just so draining. My partner tiptoes around her, always tries to keep her happy and everything is on her terms. I see my friends dealing with their exes new girlfriends and its difficult for them, another woman spending time with your kids always is, but they get on with it.

I had breakfast today with my friend who told me her kids are going to disneyland for the first time with their dad and his girlfriend on boxing day. She said, "well I can't afford to take them and I don't want them to miss out, of course I want to see their faces and make those memories but I have to accept that his new girlfriend is also part of their lives..."

After this breakfast I dropped his sons book bag at exes house, it was around the corner from where I was and had been left in the car by accident. I was just going to leave it on step as my partner is away for the weekend. Her car was not there so I jumped out and was half way to the door when she came out of the side door, we were both taken aback I just said heres his book bag, left it on the step and drove off. I was there 5 seconds, I was trying to do her a favour, it really feels like no big deal. She now has caused yet another major row and as usual my partner is so understanding of her feelings. I'm just not sure I can go on with our relationship. I can't see it getting better. I text her a month ago after she crossed the line bad mouthing me and she didn't reply as I'm not worth the effort. I've come to end of the road with my feelings of good will towards her. I'm sick of this situation and I'm sick of my partner not standing up to her.

Sorry for the long post. I just needed to rant.

Her boyfriend's an adult, too, just a spineless twit who seems to be thriving on the drama and not mature enough to communicate effectively. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Unless you're enjoying all this needless drama. Also a super bad idea to shag/have a relationship with a colleague or business associate. Never shit where you eat.

#dontalltalkatonce, excellent post.

Your partner has created this situation by his marriage and then leaving so soon after son was born. He has also pursued you when he you work together.
He is now not handling the situation well from the perspective of his ex wife and you.
He may just be hopeless at emotions but he created the mess snd now isn't fixing it

If you want this drama, stay but if you really want it to go away then you have to leave.

How old are you?

He needs to man up, mark her card and support you better. 'Nuff said.

It all sounds very exhausting OP. Is this really the way you want to live your life? Do you love him enough to put up with all the stress and negativity? Can you go back to being just business partners? Sounds like you've reached the end of your teather with this situation. I can see why his ex-wife is so hostile, from her point of view it does seem really far-fetched that nothing went on while she was still with your partner. I'm not saying there was but from her point of view it would look very suspicious.

I agree with moody you need to back off. You’e dad’s girlfriend. You dont live together. He is already parenting his child. You dont need to be involved at all. He has him twice a week overnight out of 7, so why do you even need to be in contact with the ds at this stage.

Dropping the book bag off at the mother’s house was unnecessary and because of that seems possibly antagonistic.

Why the hell is he staying over and having meals with her when she clearly isn't over her? She probably doesn't know whether she's on her head or her arse.

You sound fine and pretty considerate.

But, emotions aren’t really rational and I know that if my spouse had left me when my child was 3 - young, highly dependent and possibly not sleeping consistently through the night - I would be somewhat cranky and illogical too.

Your options are:

1. to make further sincere overtures to her and accept that it may take time and multiple attempts to get anywhere,

2. to cut your losses and move on.

I don't think she is ever likely to be welcoming to you. It sounds as if your partner is confusing her by carrying on eating with her, holidaying with her etc.

She is not getting a clear message and being allowed to move on.

OP- I don’t think you’re going to get what you need from this thread. People have done their armchair analysis and seemingly branded you the OW. You’re not going to get anything sensible now.

My advice would be to find another boyfriend. Why ruin your life for someone who won’t stand up for you.

People need to stop projecting their shit and learn some reading comprehension.

Before we went into business I suggested that we all meet up and try to talk about things/get to know each other, I was wary of getting involved in the business given that he'd mentioned 'she wasn't my biggest fan'. I made several attempts and he said she didn't care/wasn't interested. I am aware thats only his view but thats what I was told.

That was naive of you.

Would you be happy if your partner went into business with a woman you didn't like?

Seriously...you should have known better than that.

In the ten years I knew him I had seen her in person twice.

Yet you know so much about her.

He's painted her on a certain way to you and you believe it.

If he's always had a thing for you...why would she want to be at an event you're at?

Your problem isn't that the xw is hard work (the title). Your partner is definitely the problem. He is doing no work while you seem to be doing too much work.

Totally agree with previous posters who said that he would have happily had an affair with you long before you actually got together and his behaviour is firmly in EA territory even though you didn't reciprocate feelings. Of course she doesn't like you. She's probably fully aware that her ex fancied you well before they split. Confiding in you how unhappy he was with her etc is a massive red flag as others have said and totally laying the groundwork for future affair.

Your partner is all over the place with his boundaries. Staying over/holiday on one hand but having you do drop offs? I wouldn't want my ex's gf knocking at my door or texting me. Unlike you she's an actual OW and she is certainly not welcome in my space and I'd see this as an attempt to rub things in my face.

Tell your partner that you don't want to know or do anything related to his ex. Go back to dating him and tell him that he has to stand up for you if he cares.

Yes, the thread title should be problem DP, not OW.

Your relationship is with him, and its him that's making life difficult for everyone. Absolutely. You have no idea what he says to her, she could be enabled by him, not over him, all issues that h should address direct with her so everything is clear

I think you need a completely clean break including a new line of business.

OP I think this thread has somewhat gone off topic. As others have pointed out there is a definite first wife bias by some pp. They are in a way voicing the gossip that will always follow this relationship and which his ex will fuel. It will also intrude on your business. I think that is a sunk cost to be paid for the relationship. I would just ignore it. Over time it will fade.

The question you posed is about leaving your DP because the ex is hard work. I think distilling down the responses on here the advice is that you really don’t need to have anything to do with her. Not she with you.

Additionally your DP needs to sort out his attitude and approach to parenting as a separated father. This means, as others have said, he does his parenting separately from her. Separate holidays, birthdays, Christmas and separate clothes and toys etc. He needs boundaries to allow him to have a healthy and sustainable relationship with his son. They are entitled to that and the first wife can’t and shouldn’t interfere. As a friend you should be telling him this.

That’s a bitter pill for first wives and husbands to swallow. But it is an acceptable part of modern life. The alternative is and was much worse.

No judgement here, but if I was his ex I would see you as the other woman. The mutual attraction must have played a part in their break up, even indirectly. So I’m afraid you will always be the scarlet woman to her.

Do you want to deal with this drama? I don’t agree that your partner is the problem. He is caught in a difficult situation, but so are you. Dare I say plenty more fish in the sea?

As a friend you should be telling him this.

She's much more than a friend and he shouldn't require parenting advice from his new partner.

The parents of the child should work together in the child's best interest. Not to appease new partners.

@SandyY2K

If he was my friend I would give him this advice. Also if he was my partner. People are entitled to their opinions and they can give advice. Isn’t that what you have been doing? You just have your own perspective. The ex is an ex, not Caesar’s wife.

A lot of people have more than one long term relationship. It is ridiculous to expect future partners to be invisible in their life and to accept unreasonable behaviour from an ex.

Woollyheart said what I have been thinking through 5 pages of this thread. His wife is not being allowed to move on from this. Imagine her side of it for a moment. It's a sort of limbo for her, as she's not living with him but then you aren't either. She is still married to him and despite being separated, he is doing stuff with her like dinner and holidays. She might possibly even have hope they will re-unite because they're continuing to do nice things together and she can call on him when she is ill. Add to that their son does not know about your relationship yet and his wife might think this is all temporary. Nothing has been solidified and unless I missed a post, it doesn't sound like solid plans have been made as to the next steps. That could be coming across as confusing and like there's hope to be had.

That's just food for thought. It might not be the case, but I am mentioning this as another way to see things from the wife's point of view. It was something I kind of kept in my mind as I read your posts OP.

I think all in all your partner needs to figure out what he wants/what his plans are. They've been apart 2 years you said? What are his plans for divorce? Are there plans for divorce? I think a plan for the next steps needs to be done, either with him or for yourself. If you want to be with him, start a conversation with him asking him what his next steps are. But if you think this is all too much and you just want to be done with all this drama, then let him know you want something different in your life.

It sounds like a lot to deal with but if you want to be together and he wants that too, I think the next step is talking about the next steps, together. From there, boundaries can be set. Also, making plans for the next steps will allow the wife to move on as well. Being in limbo is not ideal and I feel like there's a lot of limbo here.

Op I was in your position once - I dated a man who was separated and his ex hated me.

I knew her before I knew him - we grew up in the same city. I met her ex about 2 years after they split. He had dated another woman before me but it was me she hated!

I had to get the police involved in the end.
People move on. Hard though it is. - you don't have to be her friend but neither do you have to tolerate her behaviour towards you.

My advice - tell your dp you won't be hidden anymore and that you expect him to stand up for you with her and ergo your relationship. She has been allowed to vent her frustrations and it's awful that she is hurt but you didn't hurt her.

Time to protect yourself and your relationship

I'm a bit late to the party. But I'm sure your intentions are good she is going to keep some distance from you.

Your dp needs to parent alone for now and make clear boundaries.

My ex wanted to play happy families and be in and out of my life. That wasn't fair on me or the children. And although I truly have no bad feelings towards the ow. And yes she was the ow who has no doubt been lied to. I want nothing to do with her. I do not speak ill of her or ex. But I don't like that she is at pick ups. There really is no purpose to this. But it's up to him. I wouldn't lower myself to tell him not to bring her to my door

I hope that you are able to support your dp with setting some clear boundaries and that you can both move forward together.

Even if the bloke was starting to fall in love with the OP when they worked together he didn't cheat. He left his wife long before he got involved with the OP. In my eyes that's the right thing to do, I wouldn't criticise him (or her) for it. Some relationships fail, fact. The OP's might well fail very soon too. Sadly it's life. You can't go around banning people from your drive because they fall for someone else ages after you split, or, even worse, blacking people's eyes, you just look like a nutter!

tell your dp you won't be hidden anymore and that you expect him to stand up for you with her and ergo your relationship

I'm just wondering what 'not being hidden' and standing up for up for her looks like.

Is it turning up with her for pick ups and drop offs? The ex is aware of the relationship...how much more in her face does it need to be?

Oh, please, give your head a wobble! Again, is this guy even divorced? Ask yourself why you think the best you can do is some married guy with a kid who is still having meals and holidays with his ex and has you doing drop offs for his kid and why it's your job to 'save the relationship' with such a wet blouse.

This is such a miserable situation. First off I'd back the hell out of their relationship (ex and dp) and see if that helps at all. No dropping the book bag off, no more texts, no more dropping him off, nothing. See if it helps at all. You are way too much in her face, but I reckon you've picked up on that general vibe...

Personally I don't really like the sound of your DP. He doesn't sound like an honourable bloke to me. He betrayed his wife's confidences, went into business with you despite her serious misgivings and finally left her.

Only you know whether he's worth it. Because the ex's reality may be your reality one day too.

Your dh needs to step up,and stand up for you.