His ex wife is such hard work, I'm thinking of ending it

[user1494356544]

My partner and his wife have been split up for over 2 years and they have one son. She has always hated me, (and all over his other female friends). I've known him 10 years and he's been my business partner for 3. Nothing happened between us until about a year ago. We've always been great friends but never been single at the same time.

Anyway, after I split with my last boyfriend we got together and she's just a constant source of stress. We agreed not to introduce me to his son as his girlfriend, he's always known me as his dads friend and comes into our place of work. He is only 5 so there didn't seem to be any need to do this and make a big deal, we aren't affectionate in front of him and he has never asked any questions.

We have always considered his exes feelings to the point now where it is just ridiculous. She has painted me as the OW, who came in and lured her husband away from her. She accuses us of having an emotional affair (we were friends & business partners) not true in the slightest, he was very unhappy in his marriage and had been for a long a time. I actively resisted his affection for a year after they split (i was recently single and not ready to mess up our working relationship either) and I've always been really considerate not to hurt her feelings. She was ill in july and I made him go and sleep at her house over night as I knew she'd be worried about being home alone so ill. She got taken to hospital the next morning and I took him to the hospital everyday, dropped their son off at holiday club each morning and covered him in work so he could look after her. I encouraged him to invite her on a family holiday, it would have been the first time her son was in another country without her (with his parents, nieces etc) which he did and I waited until she (& son) had gone home before I joined him.

She is venomous about me to the point that I can't take it anymore. She refuses to say my name, calling me "that women" she causes massive rows for the smallest reasons, i.e. I dropped my partner off at her house so he could have dinner with his son. She was furious that I had been "brought" to her house (I dropped him off at the end of the road so she didn't have to see me). She would not allow her son in our place of work for first 8 months of our relationship, she recently told my partner that she was worried he couldn't protect his son from me (presumably because I'm so evil!?) It's just so draining. My partner tiptoes around her, always tries to keep her happy and everything is on her terms. I see my friends dealing with their exes new girlfriends and its difficult for them, another woman spending time with your kids always is, but they get on with it.

I had breakfast today with my friend who told me her kids are going to disneyland for the first time with their dad and his girlfriend on boxing day. She said, "well I can't afford to take them and I don't want them to miss out, of course I want to see their faces and make those memories but I have to accept that his new girlfriend is also part of their lives..."

After this breakfast I dropped his sons book bag at exes house, it was around the corner from where I was and had been left in the car by accident. I was just going to leave it on step as my partner is away for the weekend. Her car was not there so I jumped out and was half way to the door when she came out of the side door, we were both taken aback I just said heres his book bag, left it on the step and drove off. I was there 5 seconds, I was trying to do her a favour, it really feels like no big deal. She now has caused yet another major row and as usual my partner is so understanding of her feelings. I'm just not sure I can go on with our relationship. I can't see it getting better. I text her a month ago after she crossed the line bad mouthing me and she didn't reply as I'm not worth the effort. I've come to end of the road with my feelings of good will towards her. I'm sick of this situation and I'm sick of my partner not standing up to her.

Sorry for the long post. I just needed to rant.

There a difference between his need to do, and say, whatever to maintain a relationship with his D's, and the fact that he's with you, you've known each other for 10 yrs and now he's with you and presumably happy.

I also get though that it would sting him just taking any badmouthing of you, and not calling her on it.

Its a vile situation. I don't think many lives are just straightforward, but its your choice which way to go.

Maybe ask him how he feels about her treatment of you, and see if you are happy with his answer?

First of all, YOU need to stop pandering to her. Behave as if she’s a rational, reasonable human being...even if she isn’t. Stop the dropping off at the end of the road, for example. That’s ridiculous.

I wouldn’t end it...yet. Tell your partner plainly what you expect, and give him a chance to step up.

I would end it unless he grew a pair.
Am you need to stop pandering to his weaknesses.

I like stoics thinking, and along those lines I would say to him that its just impossible to help whilst all this stupidity is going on. If you can't simply drop him off at his house, it needs to stop. Its really not good for DS to be subjected to this stupid shit either. He needs to be dropped at his house, and everything be normal.

The cool co-parenting thing as exes isn’t going to work, not at the moment, and I think you and your DP need to look at that calmly and start acting within tne reality.

So, a formal structure for access, don’t expect anything beyond that it try beyond that. No reverting to their old relationship where he was unhappy but did it anyway. Tell him that the point in ending the marriage was to be free if her. Be a Dad to his child but stop acting like a guilt-ridden sort-of ex parter. If the book bag gets left, let HIM sort it.

I would discuss it calmly with him. Don’t flounce or threaten to leave, that’s just playing the flip side of her game. Discuss strategies, and then if it doesn’t work weigh up your options including leaving.

What I have learnt about people, who are jealous of me or take a dislike to me, is the nicer I am to them and the more I try to please them by being ultra considerate and perfect, the more they dislike me.

This happened with a group of friends of dh. They met dh through work when we had been together a couple of years. It was a group of men and women. But governed by the women. Dh is foreign and so were all the women - I was rejected for not being of their nationality. They basically wanted dh for themselves. As in split us up for one of them to be with him. It was quite an intense friendship group and they were generally not very nice to me and vile about me behind my back.

Your situation is also totally totally irrational. As was mine. Your dps ex has decided you are the OW and you can never ever change this. Even through marriage. In the same way as I can never change my nationality of birth.

Your dps ex is acting in exactly the same way as these women did to me. You sound so perfect. How can she possibly compete? Each time you are kind and considerate you are giving her more reason to hate you. And your dp just wants a quiet life.

My dh also just wanted a quiet life and loved being friends with these people, blinded by the way they treated him - like a king. I mean literally. His desire to be treated this way outweighed his desire for his wife to be treated well. Your dps fear that his ds will be taken away from him is outweighing his desire for you to be treated well creating a push / pull effect.

Eventually I did something unforgivable to the group ie stood up for myself, which forced him to disengage from these people. If you want this situation to change, you are going to have to force it too. Either by ending the relationship or by putting down some red lines.

I know your dp is struggling. He’s completely in the FOG. I’m glad you are starting to see how you are part of the problem. As I was in the scenario above. It sounds as if you’re a massive people pleaser and don’t like people to think ill of you. Me too.

What I’ve subsequently learnt is that when you meet 5 people one or two will think you’re great, another one or two will take a dislike to you and another one or two will be indifferent to you. That’s perfectly perfectly normal.

It sounds as if you are a very loving and caring person. Me too. But I now recognise that in the past I have been nauseatingly so. I have therefore either crossed other people’s boundaries or set myself up as a target. You are doing the same by constantly rescuing his ex. It doesn’t sound as if she wants to be rescued. She wants him back.

The next time she is ill she needs to deal with the crap. The next birthday the parents do it separately. Sadly it’s the only way because she is not at the point to be able to work with him let alone you. She doesn’t want to compromise. She doesn’t want to change her POV. It suits her this way and it is something you will have to accept even though you know it is an impoverished way to live.

I wonder about the actions of your partner in all of this op. He has come out with usual, he was unhappy in his marriage for ages before it ended is the usual line trotted out by men who tell their wife how much they love them.

Also by your timeline he was pursuing you before / just after his marriage ended. He certainly seems to be guilty of an emotional affair even if you were receptive.

You have been a couple for a year but I can see why she thinks of you as the OW as in her mind you could have simply kept it quiet for a while before announcing "we are together". So many men (and women) have affairs with colleagues so surely you can understand her hurt.

Ex wives don't always take their hurt out on the right person and she needs to maintain a decent relationship with her ex for the sake of her son.

As another pp said there are three (if not four yours, his, the ex wife and the truth) sides to this story. Your partner has played a big part in this whole issue.

Sorry - should have been "weren't receptive"

Agree with Pixel. Having read that
I actively resisted his affection for a year after they split
It looks like he was pursuing a relationship with you as soon as he ended his marriage. That is going to have looked dodgy to the ex. It will have been more obvious than you think. I don't think he's acted well and I'd be wary of being in a relationship with someone like that.

She has probably spent the last ten years suspecting that there was an attraction between you.

Then three years ago you became business partners, and her marriage took a downturn, ending twelve months later.

I'd bet anything that she spent that first year of your business partnership enduring his mentionitis, sensing the temperature in her marriage changing, asking him whether there was anything going on, bristling every time he was texting you or liking one of your photos on social media.

Even if you resisted, even if nothing physical happened, she knows his friendship with you made her marriage worse.

She considers you to be the ow. She thinks you kept it quiet until a year ago to avoid the stigma of being accused of an affair. He may have told her things to support this.

Whether it's true or not it doesn't sound like anything is going to change so yes I think you need to leave. Maybe the threat of that will change his behaviour but you need to be prepared to follow through if it doesn't. Will you be able to continue working together?

I don't agree that you are controlling. I think you're just trying to be considerate about things. You were trying to be empathetic...especially when she was ill.

Your actions in that regard show that you're very secure/trusting in yourself and your relationship.

She will always believe there was something going on between you while they were together...that could account for how she feels towards you.

It doesn't look like she wanted the break up..... and you or any woman is a barrier to their reconciliation in her eyes.

I guess my view would be...do you really need this hassle....and isn't it better to find a man who doesn't have an angry Ex wife...and a child meaning contact with her will be a factor for many more years?

Your age and desire to have kids in the future would be a consideration.

I also agree with the pp who mentioned mixing business with pleasure. From business partners to lovers...that has the potential to cause issues without the Ex.

Honestly I would be suspicious too if my ex had got together with his long term female friend when we split.

Like other posters have said, I bet this was an ongoing issue. She must have had insecurity about you in the past that you may be completely unaware about. This may be why your partner is being so understanding to his ex, because she was right in the past to have been so wary of your friendship/partnership.

Honestly is it worth it? Really?
He is 5
You have another 15 years of this. How old will you be in 15 years?
There is nothing you can do to change the situation
She is not going to change
He will carry on with the path of least resistance
Surely you are worth more than this?

I suppose I'm hurt that he seems more concerned about her feelings, than mine

She's the mother of his child and he may feel guilty about things, especially the ending of their marriage.

You texting her probably made her angry too. I5s like you were looking for relevance/equal footing in the form of "let's work together and have a good friendship/relationship" ....

She's not over the end of her marriage....she doesn't want to be friends with her ExH's new GF ...it's best she ignored...because her true feelings could have come across as very nasty.

In her eyes...you've moved in on him. You admit there was always a mutual attraction ... she likely sensed it too.

Did you ask your BF before doing it?

I have a lot of sympathy for you, when I met my now DH his Ex reacted in exactly the same way to me. 14 years and one son later and it’s still the same- DSS is 18 but still can’t mention my name, or the name of his little brother in front of his mother.

It’s got easier as a) I’ve accepted we will never have a civil relationship and protected myself by distancing myself from her and b) DH stopped being scared that she would withdraw contact, stood up to her and went to court for a contact order.

Agree with the last few PP’s, I would bet my house she was suspicious of your friendship/work relationship before the split. I have been in a similar situation and regardless of the fact there was a gap between the end of their relationship and the start of yours I bet she sees your relationship as confirmation of her suspicions. This won’t ever change OP, you’ll always be an issue to her. I’d end it.

My sister is in exactly the same position- except it’s been going on for 20 years! She is now 60 and acknowledges she doesn’t have the life she should have due to her partner bowing down to his ex constantly (children are all 25+) she regrets not leaving years ago, but now feels stuck .

Agree with the last few PP’s, I would bet my house she was suspicious of your friendship/work relationship before the split.

Too bad. She needs to grow the fuck up. In the meantime, the OP needs to act like a mature adult even if the Ex cannot.

Please dont take this the wrong way but I think you are the other woman - not from anything you have done but from the way he feels.

From reading you say they have been apart for 2 years, you have been together for a year and he has been after you for another year. I think you were part of the reason he left.

Even you yourself say
We've always been great friends but never been single at the same time.
Implying the only reason you were not together before was that you were not single at the same time.
Now that is not your fault but I suspect you were there in the background throughout the relationship making her feel second best and now it has happened

Your partner knows it oo

And sorry to pile in OP but if I were the ex I'd totally ignore your text and think to myself that it was not your business and to butt out.

Unless you are married to the kid's dad your just another gf that may come and go in the kid's life from her point of view.

Admittedly you were on and will stay on the scene as a business partner but if I were the ex I'd still worry about a possible stream of GFS being introduced to the kid.

From your pov I think you have made a bad mistake in mixing business and pleasure. That would be my biggest concern if I were you - how to extricate myself without it affecting the business.

This won't get any better. Your dp is happy to put her first because that's easier for him as he won't get an earful. Meanwhile you're bottom of the pile, always will be. Plenty of other men out there.

“I suppose I'm hurt that he seems more concerned about her feelings, than mine. I don't believe he is an angel or that I know the first thing about their marriage. She was so fragile when they split up I did really feel for her. When text her I was hoping we could start some sort of dialogue where we could get things off our chests and move forward”

You acknowledge how devastated she was when her marriage ended. You also said you resisted your partner’s advances for a year after his marriage needed. That means he started trying to get involved with you straight away. He obviously had feelings for you all along! Maybe his wife knows this?

She’s probably heart broken. 2 years is not that long a time. You can’t expect her to move on so quickly. And not replying to your text message? Given her behaviour towards you, what did you actually expect?

She has always hated me,
So why do expect things to change now? How do you know she's always hated you? From him?

Perhaps him having all those female friends was an issue for her. Perhaps he used to speak about you at home...arousing suspicion in her.

(and all over his other female friends).
Did you hear this from him too?

I've known him 10 years and he's been my business partner for 3. Nothing happened between us until about a year ago. We've always been great friends but never been single at the same time.

When I said mutual attraction...they weren't your exact words...but my summation from what you said.

I think @PetticoatLaine nailed the crux of the problem. You and your DP are desperately trying to create a co parenting dynamic that is impossible in the circumstances. From what I have read you are equally as culpable as he is in this endeavour.

Neither of you are dealing with the reality and in doing so are probably causing her hurt or feeding her rage. The sleep over to care for her, the holiday, the text, the bag drop etc were kindly motivated But both you and he need to see that they have backfired. Stop worrying about her feelings. They are hers to deal with and neither of you can or should her her with that.

Yes, some divorced couples manage this. But it isn’t going to work her. Neither of you need to feel guilty about that. Your responsibility as a couple is to ensure the stable and regular contact with the child. That requires minimal contact with her and him. You don’t need to get involved at all. Focus on getting the basic thing right and stop all this play acting at happy co parents with the wider family.

As to the accusations you were the OW. Divorce always prompts people to rewrite history and this situation was bound to get tongues wagging. There’s nothing you can do about it. So the healthy thing is to ignore it.

What sensitive and insightful advice @TheStoic

Meanwhile in the real world where people have emotions which may or may not be fair or rational, if the ex does see the OP as the reason that her marriage ended then OP being aware of that possibility may help her to understand the situation.