His ex wife is such hard work, I'm thinking of ending it

[user1494356544]

My partner and his wife have been split up for over 2 years and they have one son. She has always hated me, (and all over his other female friends). I've known him 10 years and he's been my business partner for 3. Nothing happened between us until about a year ago. We've always been great friends but never been single at the same time.

Anyway, after I split with my last boyfriend we got together and she's just a constant source of stress. We agreed not to introduce me to his son as his girlfriend, he's always known me as his dads friend and comes into our place of work. He is only 5 so there didn't seem to be any need to do this and make a big deal, we aren't affectionate in front of him and he has never asked any questions.

We have always considered his exes feelings to the point now where it is just ridiculous. She has painted me as the OW, who came in and lured her husband away from her. She accuses us of having an emotional affair (we were friends & business partners) not true in the slightest, he was very unhappy in his marriage and had been for a long a time. I actively resisted his affection for a year after they split (i was recently single and not ready to mess up our working relationship either) and I've always been really considerate not to hurt her feelings. She was ill in july and I made him go and sleep at her house over night as I knew she'd be worried about being home alone so ill. She got taken to hospital the next morning and I took him to the hospital everyday, dropped their son off at holiday club each morning and covered him in work so he could look after her. I encouraged him to invite her on a family holiday, it would have been the first time her son was in another country without her (with his parents, nieces etc) which he did and I waited until she (& son) had gone home before I joined him.

She is venomous about me to the point that I can't take it anymore. She refuses to say my name, calling me "that women" she causes massive rows for the smallest reasons, i.e. I dropped my partner off at her house so he could have dinner with his son. She was furious that I had been "brought" to her house (I dropped him off at the end of the road so she didn't have to see me). She would not allow her son in our place of work for first 8 months of our relationship, she recently told my partner that she was worried he couldn't protect his son from me (presumably because I'm so evil!?) It's just so draining. My partner tiptoes around her, always tries to keep her happy and everything is on her terms. I see my friends dealing with their exes new girlfriends and its difficult for them, another woman spending time with your kids always is, but they get on with it.

I had breakfast today with my friend who told me her kids are going to disneyland for the first time with their dad and his girlfriend on boxing day. She said, "well I can't afford to take them and I don't want them to miss out, of course I want to see their faces and make those memories but I have to accept that his new girlfriend is also part of their lives..."

After this breakfast I dropped his sons book bag at exes house, it was around the corner from where I was and had been left in the car by accident. I was just going to leave it on step as my partner is away for the weekend. Her car was not there so I jumped out and was half way to the door when she came out of the side door, we were both taken aback I just said heres his book bag, left it on the step and drove off. I was there 5 seconds, I was trying to do her a favour, it really feels like no big deal. She now has caused yet another major row and as usual my partner is so understanding of her feelings. I'm just not sure I can go on with our relationship. I can't see it getting better. I text her a month ago after she crossed the line bad mouthing me and she didn't reply as I'm not worth the effort. I've come to end of the road with my feelings of good will towards her. I'm sick of this situation and I'm sick of my partner not standing up to her.

Sorry for the long post. I just needed to rant.

Not being hidden meaning carry on with your normal life - if she is dropping off dps dc then pull up few doors away if it's bothering the ex wife but not a street away and don't allow ex wife to bad mouth the op.

Great post eddie

@interrogate2018

Not being hidden meaning carry on with your normal life - if she is dropping off dps dc then pull up few doors away if it's bothering the ex wife but not a street away and don't allow ex wife to bad mouth the op.

I think she is carrying on with her normal life.

In reality nobody can stop another saying what they want to.

I'm not sure what exactly has been said to badmouth the OP.... apart from accusing her of being the OW.

When he was with his wife, she expressed her apparent hatred...but I wonder how much of that is true and how much he wanted to paint a picture of his wife as being iirrationally jealous of all his female friends.

How much have you actually heard directly from his Ex and not via him?

It all sounds really difficult and you sound very kind. However in reality she does see you rightly or wrongly as the other woman. I would stay away from anywhere near her house, let your partner get him self there, no dropping him off, assuming he can drive. No dropping off things for the son. It used to enrage me every time my ex parked outside my house to pick up the children, fuelled by the fact he would turn up in the top of the range jag having previously owned a battered old volvo. I would not have been happy with him turning up with a new girlfriend either in the early days as emotions were running high. In time everything will settle down and life will move on.

assuming he can drive.

He can't...but he'd find a way to get there without the OP in his life. He did in the first year of the split.

Let him spend his parenting time alone...no need for you to pick and drop.

I know his DS is just 5...and is familiar with you from before...but this dropping off is new to him. Kids are smart and he could know more than you think.

A friend told me her 4 year old spoke of 'daddy's friend'...and she knew there was more to it.

when I give them a lift as my partner doesn't drive
Why doesn't he drive?
How did he manage all of this before you came along?

He's married - that's a pretty big factor in your relationship and the situation with his wife.

How strange that no divorce had been pursued by the time you got with him. As you say you've been close friends and business partners for years then you must know why.

He can't drive - yet apparently he has his son 2 nights per week + does the holiday care + covers on days his son is ill

All this...with no car. He must be superman.

Anyway if it's really the case he can learn to drive can't he?

With all the facilitating of this man and his lifestyle I wonder how on earth you have time to run a business OP. Given that it's joint and he's your business partner it doesn't sound much like he has the time.

I don't suppose you have much time for the business either since getting with him.

Mixing business with pleasure doesnt often bode well

My partner doesn't drive because of a medical condition. I'm not sure why that has attracted so much attention. I'm sure plenty of people manage to be parents, pick children up/look after them during holidays without a driving licence. It does not require them to be "superman". I give him lifts when I can, as I do to my friends and parents. I'm not sure this is facilitating or enabling. I just thought it was what any friend/partner did. I did this when I was just his business partner and imagine I will continue to do so if we split.

He is not married he has been separated for over 2 years. His divorce was finalised 4 months ago. He is not trying to mess her around (as far as I can see)or stop her from getting over him, he is trying to give the son family time and make sure she wasn't alone when she was seriously ill in hospital. I understand now that maybe that was too soon for them and boundaries need to be maintained for the good of everyone involved. I suppose its all trial and error I will leave it both to them now to decide how to move forward rather than advising/controlling/micromanaging as has been suggested.

I asked for advice here on this forum for the first time. I have been given some insight, so thank you to those that have posted with genuine advice. I will tread carefully, give the ex space and make myself less 'present' in her eyeline. I overreacted due to frustration, i was trying to do a good deed by dropping the book bag off and posted this in anger hoping to get advice and support. I see now I have been insensitive.

I'm quite shocked at some of the posts I have received in reply and maybe I'm just not thick skinned enough for mumsnet. Just to clarify I have seen enough of my friends have their lives destroyed by cheating to know thats is never worth the consequences.

Finally, yes, mixing business with a relationship is absolutely stupid and ill advised under any circumstances. I'm an idiot.

I think to be fair OP most people have said that it was him that crossed a line in his immediate pursuit of you after his split. I can easily believe too that he presented it all in a way that minimised some of what was going on between him and ex. So I believe you wouldn't have wanted to cheat, but his actions may have made it something like that without you knowing, if you see what I mean.

This bit worries me about the lifts / driving:

I did this when I was just his business partner and imagine I will continue to do so if we split.

What you're saying is that you facilitate his life and you don't ever see a reason for you not to. That means he has no incentive to step up and improve his game, ever.. since you'll always fill the gap. I can imagine your motives are good ones here - you sound like someone who wants to help out and solve problems for others (wonder what attracted him so strongly to you.. ) but think about the position you're putting yourself and your own life in by doing that.

Posting for advice on mnet does require a thick skin, and replies can be very very hard to read. So many are carefully considered tho, with experience and kindness behind them, and offer incredible support and insight. Take what you need from it and reread when your emotions aren't so high. Don't let the challenging ones get you down.

And you're not an idiot, you're a kind, generous, well-meaning person.

springydaff, thank you . I like your posts too.

Your post is clear that you didn't cheat but your partner's behaviour seems shady at best which is something you obviously have no control of as he's an adult.

I imagine I will continue to do so if we split.

Bloody hell OP, your boundaries sound as shit as your DPs!!

It sounds like none of you actually understands what it means to split up with someone. I feel very sorry for the XW. She hasn't been allowed to move on with her life as DP is still going on bloody holidays with her and playing happy families. I can't believe you have tolerated this shit for so long.

your boundaries sound as shit as your Dp's

He's been my friend for 10 years, we run a business together. If we split up an he needs a lift that doesn't inconvenience me, why would I not offer it?

Depends if he split up to get with that friend of his you've always been wary of that he tells you is nothing to worry About, really.

hahahaha pogmella you're right of course!

She sounds really controlling, She is only doing this because your partner is letting her.
I would run for the hills Op, This wont change.

You said yourself his ex-wife was very fragile when they split, so why after only 2 years do you think she would be fine and dandy with you as the replacement.

2 years is no time for acceptance/recovery in most cases. It might be years until she truly gets over it.

Unfortunately your presence is merely rubbing salt into her wounds.

pretty you really should read the whole thread.

Why do you say that @LizzieSiddal? Because I have a different opinion to you?

user fair enough but you said they were separated - no mention of divorce until now, way into the thread. Divorced, yet holidaying together etc. Strange.

If his ex wife says "no more" and distances herself, that's the point at which you may see the reality of the situation re who can't keep away from who.

You ferry him around + drop off stuff at ex's house so of course it'll attract attention that he doesn't drive.

As to the rest - a load of hard work really so good luck with all that.

Business & pleasure still don't mix.

Step back and let them deal with each other.
If no better in a few months I'd end it.

You are NOT an idiot OP.
You are a nice person.
Doing nice things for people.
Absolutely nothing wrong with that.
This is your life, your feelings, you do what is best and right for you.

OP, haven't rtft yet as I'm up to my eyeballs in work. I've had to deal with DP's awful ex for the last two years.

I met him after they split up (she left him for someone else) and I was referred to as "the witch", "the whore" or "that" - including to my face and in front of his kids.

She's made nuisance calls to me, stalked me on social media (she's blocked every way possible) now, threatened me, written anonymous letters about me to the council. I've kept out of her way as much as I feasibly can, and thank God she lives over an hour's drive away.

Luckily for us, only one of his kids is under 18, but she makes contact nigh-on impossible.

At least I don't have to deal with DP having to curry favour with her, as following an incident earlier this year he's now NC with her. What it would be like if his kids were younger, I just can't imagine and you have my utmost sympathy.

I support the OP in calling out the responses on here by posters who have been judgemental and condemning based on nothing more than their own projections and supposition. She was quite clear they were friends and business partners during his marriage. That was the extent of their relationship. Most people meet partners at work or through friendships. Some of those people are separated. That’s it unless you actually have some facts. The PPs didn’t but carried on with the blame game.

She can’t own the ex wife’s feelings and misbeliefs about that. She can own and is entitled to be aggrieved that the ex is spreading lies about her and that self righteous gossips are lapping it up. But there isn’t anything she can do about it, unless it becomes defamatory or harassment. Then you can.

OP, you can’t have a constructive relationship with this woman. But you can set reasonable boundaries for what you will tolerate in of your partner in terms of their co parenting and his tolerance of her behaviour towards you.