His ex wife is such hard work, I'm thinking of ending it

[user1494356544]

My partner and his wife have been split up for over 2 years and they have one son. She has always hated me, (and all over his other female friends). I've known him 10 years and he's been my business partner for 3. Nothing happened between us until about a year ago. We've always been great friends but never been single at the same time.

Anyway, after I split with my last boyfriend we got together and she's just a constant source of stress. We agreed not to introduce me to his son as his girlfriend, he's always known me as his dads friend and comes into our place of work. He is only 5 so there didn't seem to be any need to do this and make a big deal, we aren't affectionate in front of him and he has never asked any questions.

We have always considered his exes feelings to the point now where it is just ridiculous. She has painted me as the OW, who came in and lured her husband away from her. She accuses us of having an emotional affair (we were friends & business partners) not true in the slightest, he was very unhappy in his marriage and had been for a long a time. I actively resisted his affection for a year after they split (i was recently single and not ready to mess up our working relationship either) and I've always been really considerate not to hurt her feelings. She was ill in july and I made him go and sleep at her house over night as I knew she'd be worried about being home alone so ill. She got taken to hospital the next morning and I took him to the hospital everyday, dropped their son off at holiday club each morning and covered him in work so he could look after her. I encouraged him to invite her on a family holiday, it would have been the first time her son was in another country without her (with his parents, nieces etc) which he did and I waited until she (& son) had gone home before I joined him.

She is venomous about me to the point that I can't take it anymore. She refuses to say my name, calling me "that women" she causes massive rows for the smallest reasons, i.e. I dropped my partner off at her house so he could have dinner with his son. She was furious that I had been "brought" to her house (I dropped him off at the end of the road so she didn't have to see me). She would not allow her son in our place of work for first 8 months of our relationship, she recently told my partner that she was worried he couldn't protect his son from me (presumably because I'm so evil!?) It's just so draining. My partner tiptoes around her, always tries to keep her happy and everything is on her terms. I see my friends dealing with their exes new girlfriends and its difficult for them, another woman spending time with your kids always is, but they get on with it.

I had breakfast today with my friend who told me her kids are going to disneyland for the first time with their dad and his girlfriend on boxing day. She said, "well I can't afford to take them and I don't want them to miss out, of course I want to see their faces and make those memories but I have to accept that his new girlfriend is also part of their lives..."

After this breakfast I dropped his sons book bag at exes house, it was around the corner from where I was and had been left in the car by accident. I was just going to leave it on step as my partner is away for the weekend. Her car was not there so I jumped out and was half way to the door when she came out of the side door, we were both taken aback I just said heres his book bag, left it on the step and drove off. I was there 5 seconds, I was trying to do her a favour, it really feels like no big deal. She now has caused yet another major row and as usual my partner is so understanding of her feelings. I'm just not sure I can go on with our relationship. I can't see it getting better. I text her a month ago after she crossed the line bad mouthing me and she didn't reply as I'm not worth the effort. I've come to end of the road with my feelings of good will towards her. I'm sick of this situation and I'm sick of my partner not standing up to her.

Sorry for the long post. I just needed to rant.

OP my exH has done something similar....you knowing so much about his marriage is definitely EA territory. Then he leaves her to be with you the second he can. And you trying to do the right thing (I suspect this may be sub conscious guilt from you as you know you were a factor in him leaving her) has meant you are forcing your existence into her life and headspace.

My exH has done something similar and I have recently said that I will never utter a word to OW. My DC are older so i will never have to though. When your H leaves, no contact is easier but with younger DC not possible. Do his wife a favour and stay out of her headspace. You may find things then settle down.

The other thing that occurred to me is that you seem able to end the relationship so I wonder if he is much more into you than vice versa? If that is the case, his wife is probably correct in thinking if you are not with him, he will go back to her. He seems the type to do just that.

Just to clarify a few things.

My partner has his child two nights every week. Takes time off whenever he is ill and does the bulk of the school holiday childcare. He is always available for extra nights/childcare and would actually be there every day if he could so I don't think is resentment as suggested. (sorry I don't know how to tag people)

Before we went into business I suggested that we all meet up and try to talk about things/get to know each other, I was wary of getting involved in the business given that he'd mentioned 'she wasn't my biggest fan'. I made several attempts and he said she didn't care/wasn't interested. I am aware thats only his view but thats what I was told. In the ten years I knew him I had seen her in person twice. She never came on nights out/ to parties/ to the business(restaurant)/ to funerals so I assumed that was true. She has a high powered stressful job and I presumed she had bigger fish to fry than me being involved in the business.

When my partner has contact with his son I am backed off and give them space. I don't stayover, we aren't affectionate, as far as his son is concerned I am his Dads friend. The only time I see him is when I give them a lift as my partner doesn't drive.

Thanks for all your feedback and I think that yes you are all correct. I am being naive to think we could have a civil relationship. He does feel guilty and that's why he always panders to her. It's probably not going to get better.

I take on board people saying I am controlling or micromanaging their relationship. I was trying to be supportive and considerate but obviously I've overstepped the line.

Actually I don't necessarily think that you need to split up, just back off. No more texts, no more dropping by unexpectedly with book bags. Stay away from her and let your dp manage his own relationship with her and his dc.

So what if she hates you, won't say your name, thinks you were ow? None of that impacts you if you could only stay away.

Before you think of ending it I think you need to see if recalibration works.

For a start your DP needs to stand up to her and set boundaries. Have they been to court to define access?

You need to stop back and stop involving yourself in their relationship. All the things you’ve advised him to do - his staying with her and holidaying with her are really bad ideas. It means she can’t move on.

DP needs to go the other way - no more contact with her other than by text and email for childcare arrangements.

I think you sound like a level-headed woman. Try and put yourself in her shoes. Back off a bit and see how it affects things. If things don’t improve, cut your losses. This guy probably wanted to be with you all this time but couldn’t and his ex wife may have sensed this. Can your business partnership survive if you split up?

I do think you're being disingenuous about your remarkable with her husband, now ex.

You knew all along she doesn't like you, why did you get involved? He betrayed her by telling you that. That's the type of person he is.

Lastly, my abusive exH's subsequent wife was like you, constantly trying to make overtures to be 'friends', overinvolved in the minutiae of the children's lives (kids older and no need for her over involvement in the minutiae. She also had no children of her own which imo made her quite ham-fisted generally). I simply wasn't interested in her and found her tiresome and kind of meddling.

*relationship

I think thats a bit over the top springydaff. I'm not constantly trying to make overtures.I text her once to call her out over her particularly vile bout of bad mouthing. I dropped a bag off that was left in my car because I was round the corner as my partner was away for the weekend....

I have no desire to be friends with her. I would like to be civil, as I would like to be with every person in my life. Is that not normal?

I'd rather she wasn't in my life but heyho she is.

OP have you read any of the posts that try to get you to see from her perspective it was an emotional affair, he kept you separate and then brought you into the business

He is a complete arse that much is clear from your posts ... your part is unclear although surely no one is that naive

As long as you cant see any of this she will never be civil to you

Simple she is not over your dp and she won't ever be accepting of you because she has this ow view of you. His next relationship she most likely will be ok, but you nope.
This overstepping and you texting seems to keep being brought up but that's not the issue at all.
You texted her because she was rude and you had enough, and is not the reason she doesn't like you, that's just been added.
Time is needed in this situation, your dp hasn't worked out how to have a relationship and get along with the ex, which is harder if she's playing victim.
Very rarely does a relationship break down because of one person. But very often it is put on one person.

You sound like you could get through leaving you dp and finding a more suitable partner, which I think you now is best.

Have I read the wrong thread? The OP states the ex thinks they had emotional affair, that she has stayed away, that she didn't meet the child too soon, and he dp sharing his thought and history is what all couples do.
Don't people share with their friends and family how useless their dp's or ex's are?
Where is the support?
So if I left my dp because I had enough of him not helping, or being supportive and he said I wasn't allowed to go out with friends or date, you all would be supporting me.

Just read your post about you trying to meet up and get to know one another... of course he didn't let you do that. Then he wouldent be able to spin whatever tale suited him to the pair of you separately would he.

Classic one this.

OP - in your last post your wrote, "I have no desire to be friends with her" and "I'd rather she wasn't in my life" changes the nature of your original post. It comes across as you being not very nice and also to you not being receptive to her feelings at all. She is the mother of your dp child, regardless of your wants she will be there involved with whoever is with "dp" for the next 13 years or do.

If he sees his son as much as you say he does OP - 2 nights per week + holiday + illness childcare then I can't really see why you have to come across his ex-wife at all. After all they are already parenting their child, according to this.

You don't need to find ways to put yourself into her vision

I’d expect his son will not trust you in the future. There is an overlap to an extent and it doesn’t take much to work out an emotional affair likely happened.
I’d get out of this now if I were you.

Pixel99 to be fair most people wouldn't choose to have an ex wife in their lives. Especially one like this.

And I don't think it's fair to say the OP isn't a nice person because she doesn't have a desire to be friends with someone who acts like this towards her whether or not you sympathise with her DPs ex.

His ExWife is being more than gracious to you. If I had walked out and seen you in my yard, you'd have left with a couple black eyes

That is awful behavior and you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself if you did react that way.

@SushiRolll Nah, cheating on your spouse and being the OW are definitely things to be thoroughly ashamed of. Dishing out consequences, perfectly justified.

pissedonatrain

What a delightful human being you are

pissedonatrain considering neither of those things happened...

And giving someone black eyes is never an okay thing to do by the way.

Sushi - Op has not exactly behaved in the right way. We only have her side of the story. And to all intense purposes she had an EA with "dp". All OP has to go on is what the dp has told her and as I mentioned previously men tell women how unhappy they were in their marriage etc when they want an actual affair, whilst all along telling their DW how much they love them. OP should take several steps back. Why would OP expect ExW to want to be friends. One day OP could be the ew and have to deal with a new partner. How friendly would she be. She should put herself in ExE shoes before she criticises her.

Time may heal wounds. But it is too soon.

Pixel99 I'm not saying she has and I agree she should take a step back.

My point was that OP saying she doesn't want to friends with or would rather not have the ex wife in her life doesn't equal not being a nice person because most people think that way.

Would my life be easier without my DPs ex? Yes I'm pretty sure it would. And we get on pretty civilly! I'm not a horrible person for thinking that it's true. She is of course here to stay and that's fine I don't have any issue with her at all but it's a bit naive to think most people would rather not have ex wives hanging around given the choice.

Of all the single men on the planet...why him? Unless you like this stress and drama...it's not worth it.

This. 'Partner'? You've been going out with him for a year and already being the full on pseudo stepmum. Do you really think the best you can do is some married guy (he's probably not even divorced yet) who has a kid with a wife who, understandably, doesn't like you? You're over here running his kid's things back to his child's mother and stuff like this, why the fuck isn't he doing it? This guy's got it made - two women battling over his sorry arse and enabling him.

I'll never in a million years understand people who think the best they can do is someone with a load of drama and baggage. What a waste of time and energy.

It should not be such hard work this early in. That it is says it all. This guy has too much shit and baggage going on.

Walk away unless you are enjoying all this drama and disfunction.

I don't get why people are giving the OP such a hard time here.

Yes of course ex will suspect OP was the OW/EA. It's a logical (if untrue) conclusion.

Regardless, ex, DH and OP are all adults, and ex is behaving like a vicious child. The DH in the middle of this seems to be not communicating reasonable boundaries to her, and OP has unfortunately unwittingly muddied the waters by getting DH to go stay with ex, setting them up for a "let's pretend happy families holiday/meal" and so on. And in the middle of this is a 6 year old who must be all kinds of confused and hurting.

OP, talk to your partner. Tell him that it hurts you when you see him letting ex slag you off unchallenged, and that you wish he would stand up for you or at least stop the conversation or change the subject. Stop encouraging then to play happy families; his son can have two Birthday and Christmas meals, with parents separately, or if it's best for them to all be together at least make it at a neutral 3rd space like restaurant or park. He's going to have to tell ex she needs to get over the idea of seeing you at things and about, it's unreasonable and unsustainable for her to demand not to, especially when he doesn't drive (why doesn't he drive?). Carry on just being polite at basic levels and no more. Don't contact her again (delete her number, she clearly doesn't want you to have it) and get DH to deal with her RE book bags/gym kits, even when it's obvious the most logical thing to do is for you to drop it round, don't.