Dating thread 142: love will tear us apart...again

[DaffoDeffo]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

@VixenSixen as far as I was concerned this was a firm date,we only decided it on Friday, we'd also agreed where we would meet

I had no problem with the specific time being decided this morning. Something to watch out for in future though

@DaffoDeffo I'm older than you!

Dipping my metaphorical toe back in - was on the dating threads when they were back in the 90s!

Am thinking about OLD again in the new year (will be my third 'round'). Has anyone tried the new dating site Lumen, it's for iver 50s (I'm early 50s)?

*over

Hi 👋🏻 can I join

Have been ‘seeing’ a guy for a few months I really really like him but after many on off periods I’ve realised now that it’s just about sex for him. Trying to go NC. With him so am
Distracting myself with tinder which lo and behold he came up 🙄🙄🙄

Been chatting to three guys all lovely 1 is hilarious we messaged constantly last two days but haven’t heard from him since last night

2. seems nice (maybe a bit boring) asked me for a coffee today but I’m busy so I said mon he’s letting me know when he gets into work re meetings. Since we have ‘areanged’ This he’s went silent so don’t think that will happen

3. is an old friend very very handsome get on well but after texting constantly for a week like essay messages he’s went quiet this week and has just sent me theodd message he says it’s be cause of shift work but hmmm I’m not sure

Reading back I don’t think any are interested lol

@BatshitCrazyWoman I joined Lumen but personally wouldn't recommend it

I tried Lumen no luck at all

So I need your help with this - I need to redefine my 'relationship' with Mr Disappearing. Despite what he says about wanting more, he clearly either doesn't want more or isn't in the place to have it.

I don't mind actually being fwb with him because the sex is phenomenal. But I can't hold out for a relationship with him.

Was going to send him a message along the lines of find me when you're ready? But I also want to tell him I'm going back on dating sites as he's clearly not ready... but he will take it badly. How should I word it do you think?

I have downloaded tinder and will start swiping as that's the only way to move on!

Daffo I would message him and say that as much as you like him you are ready for something more and he clearly isn’t and may never be with you so to save any confusion you are going back on OLD

I did this to my no1 guy in previous post ill call him Mr Ego and he didn’t care and still doesn’t care that I date others because he says they’ll never have what we have...yet when I push him on what we have all he says is amazing sex....that says it all I think but god it hurts!!!

Thanks Sighh. Yes that's exactly it! Fgs!

He will be upset because he clearly thinks in his little head that we can have more and he talks to me every day but every weekend comes past and he's busy doing other stuff so he clearly doesn't want it that badly!

He will try and turn it onto you probably like Mr ego does...I’ll say you clearly don’t want this and he will reply if that’s what you think 🤯

Sigh I think we've been seeing the same man!

I think saying contact me when you're ready but let's cool it, is essentially saying I'm not waiting around for you to get your act together and will date other people, do you need to say you're back on OLD specifically?

Thinking about MrPB I assumed that would be taken as read.

Daffo he needs to match his actions to his words. Just saying what you want doesn't magically make it happen. He needs to put the effort in for you.
I would say something along the lines of - it's all very well saying you want more but you're not making the time for that to happen. When you work out what you want, then you know where to find me. In the meantime, I'll be considering other options.

The scary bit is that he may disappear completely. But you have to ask if it's really worth hanging onto the little scraps of attention he's giving you now?

@DaffoDeffo I think @Sighhhhh85 has it right.

But really we all know what aeshould really do but prefer to cling onto hope.

And my bad feeling about today's date wS right :-(

*what we should I mean!

Thanks that's what I've done. Just said I'm not contacting you, you find me when you're ready and I'll leave it like that and I've been swiping on tinder in the meantime ;)

@daffo i think you made the right decision....maybe if he knows that you are going back on OLD it might give him the push he needs to up his game?

Well, OLD totally sucks for me at the moment; no irons in the fire, Mr 4amguy hasn't messaged since Friday evening, nothing doing on POF, tinder, Bumble, Match or Badoo.....oh except chatting to one guy on POF who told me his ex abused him (I was abused and beleive it's not just women who suffer this) but also that he can't see his son at the moment.......so red flags waving and will just keep that one at a distance I think! why is it so hard to find someone just to have a normal conversation with and to meet for a drink?????

Hi all, been awol for a bit but looking forward to catching up with the thread. Hope everyone is having some luck!

Yeah I didn't say specifically I was going back on OLD. Just that I wanted more and he didn't and if he wanted anything, he knew where I was. He will leave it now and that's fine. Maybe he won't, but I'm not waiting for him...because this hanging around for his actions to catch up with his words is a fool's game...

He's the second man I've met like this. There seem to be a lot of men who totally believe that what they say is good enough and they don't need to actually do anything to show they mean what they say!

Can I ask what the issue was with Lumen? Previously I was on POF and OKC and was going to try something different. Maybe I'll give Tinder a go.

Off to meet MrCreative - after Friday's complete disaster am not feeling totally up to it - need to give myself a pep talk!

Batshit I looked at Lumen and there were only 2 men within 20miles of me. I wasn't interested in either of them but I couldn't get rid of them from my feed. There's no swiping, you just get a list of men over 50. Without looking at their profiles you can't see how far away they away. And you can't set a distance filter.
If you're in London, there might be more people using it.
Also, at 51, I don't want to limit my choice to over 50s only.

@removalizer

I also find that I have to take my chances otherwise I end up weeks without female company which is essential to my happiness

This is a very worrying statement to make, no one should rely on another person for happiness.
I think you need to get other things in your life so you are happy with yourself before you look for another relationship otherwise they are just all doomed.