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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 142: love will tear us apart...again

999 replies

DaffoDeffo · 18/11/2018 16:53

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

OP posts:
user1466783975 · 24/11/2018 11:26

morning all. scot lots of men just love the attention. I've made the mistake in the past of giving out my number to many a man and now i'm back on pof my new rule is no number exchanges until a date is sorted. I've just found I got random 'morning' txts and 'hi sexy' which led nowhere. I was forever waiting for txts or calls from strangers! My new rule is get a date in quick and keep pof convos light and airy. If they vanish on me,i've lost nothing.
If I get a date booked I may have a chat on the phone. I haven't done this rule yet lol but I cant stand being messed about by flaky men anymore!

chatting to a rather nice baldy,with tatoos. no sex talk,or else i'd vanish on him! will call him mr rugby.

JeSuisPrest · 24/11/2018 11:40

Did you read the rules @Sharkirasharkira ? Grin

CognitiveDissonance · 24/11/2018 11:41

Hi everyone,

Just jumping on the thread to ask for some advice about which apps/sites are recommended? I've used Tinder in the past but it's been a while since I dipped my toe in the OLD water so any pros/cons/thoughts on any platforms very much appreciated Smile

MovemberBlues · 24/11/2018 11:51

I like Tinder best: no 'read' messages, no 'last online', info only in profile so no profile = immediate swipe left. Just seems very straightforward and unfussy. As for the quality of men - as varied as any other site, but more of them.

MaggieMuggins · 24/11/2018 12:35

@scotgal2017 If he's disappeared from POF and blocked you on WhatsApp he's probably been caught cheating. Either way definitely don't take it personally, be thankful!

Pushreset · 24/11/2018 12:44

Hello everyone. Turns out actions really do speak louder than words. I was getting all geared up for the black and white talk when out of the blue I get a message, Mr Red was coming to see me. We had a chat, his week has been from hell so kept away to save me from it. Told him I wish he had just told me what was going on.. Hopefully everything will be OK from now on. Glad I held off msging for a bit now though.

JeSuisPrest · 24/11/2018 12:56

@midcenturylegs Hope you're feeling a bit better today Flowers

wishywashy6 · 24/11/2018 12:59

@Pushreset that's great news. Hopefully things are feeling a bit clearer for you now x

wishywashy6 · 24/11/2018 13:03

@CognitiveDissonance

I'm not on any sites any more but I have used tinder, pof and badoo in the past

Badoo was my favourite out of the 3 (possibly biased because I met my BF on thereHmm)
Perhaps it's partly down to area but I found it had a bigger pool of men and lots of interaction on the app

Pushreset · 24/11/2018 13:21

@wishywashy6 God yeah it's a huge weight off... I've always be a worse possible outcome kind of person. Really need to shake it off! See how things go now 😊

giggleshizz · 24/11/2018 13:22

I'm using the thread to stop me over investing in Mr C who I am meeting tomorrow. He just sent me some pictures of himself having a walk and it's taking all the restraint I have to not tell him he's giving me huge fanny gallops!!

Very much trying not to overinvest as am fully aware there may not be a spark tomorrow so please be on stand by to console me should the worst happen (or cheer if it all turns out good).

Lompopo · 24/11/2018 15:05

OLD reminds me of the last challenge in Crystal Maze where you’re diving about snatching at gold tokens. And only getting silver ones.

It’s great to read the positive stories on here because without them quite honestly I think I would give up. Who would’ve thought it would be so hard to join a dating app and actually arrange a bloody date?!

I had one lined up for tonight (my second in the 4 weeks on Bumble) and now he has pulled out. I think I may have to just come off it for a bit and try again when I’ve summoned the mental strength.

midcenturylegs · 24/11/2018 15:24

Hey all - thanks for your support re yesterday. It weird isn't it - I almost feel like I'm grieving the loss of a relationship after 4 weeks of messaging - but when meeting up in person realised I couldn't manage the whole date that was planned for the night it was awful. I did think "should I just get drunk enough to take him home and shag him" as he was not unattractive- and I've not had decent sex in 5 years... Missing our banter but I think will tomorrow will just send him a nice text apologising for legging it and then forget about it.

Tomorrow's date has been sending thru a few fun pics of his mates and their frolics this weekend - they look like fun people :-)

scotgal2017 · 24/11/2018 15:32

@VixenSixen et al yes, even just a message to say i can no longer communicate with you etc. He was the one who wanted to move to WA, we'd only been speaking for 2 days, why not stay on POF if you are just playing games? anyway, done and dusted..... just feeling disillusioned with it all again. Mr 4amguy is sporadic and the more I think about it the more I'm not sure because the messaging between us is very basic.... but he has the physical appearance I like.....I'm beginning to feel it's going to be a chore to keep the conversation going with him as i'm struggling already. i asked him yesterday when he gets back from work and he said mid-week next week. Is it worth trying to meet up to see if it is a bit more natural and easier in real life (I appreciate its not everyone's cup of tea to be texting fantastic things all the time)??

I don' thave any other "hot" irons in the fire, just a few that I talk to here and there. Really, really wishing I hadn't bothered and just stayed ignorant to OLD, it really shouldn't be this hard should it???

On the plus side, i did get a message asking if the guy could perform oral sex on me so i must be an absolute smoking hot woman Confused lol.

user1466783975 · 24/11/2018 16:09

scot, maybe just txt mr 4am and say its been great messaging and if he fancies a drink sometime when he's back mid week,then just let me know. And unless he comes back with a day and time,leave it. Sometimes when we step back,they step up.
It's so exhausting all this isn't it.

scotgal2017 · 24/11/2018 17:43

thanks @HopelessWithNumbers, what a depressing read! But Mr4amguy isn;t even talking about himself, nevermind asking questions about me. He seems like he has a simple life (he says his interests are tv, films and fixing cars)...... so i've asked him loads of questions about these topics which he answers within 1 sentence or even a few words if applicable. He hasn't asked me at all what my hobbies are etc, unless occasionally I get a what about you (like the time I asked him what his favourite pizza was)........ I want to get to know him but it's like pulling teeth!!! So frustrating.

shitwithsugaron · 24/11/2018 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

removalizer · 24/11/2018 17:50

On the other flip of the coin I was in a convo with a lady on OLD who was hard work, I asked loads of questions then she said "is this a job interview ? " Then blocked me

DaffoDeffo · 24/11/2018 17:51

Mr Disappearing said yesterday he wanted to see me Sunday and he would arrange that today and I am yet to hear from him. I know he's out tonight so we'll see if he gets hold of me. I do have a back up plan (seeing my best mate). I need a proper word with him tomorrow (Mr Disappearing) if he turns up. Don't want to do it on text. But basically either we move this forward now or give it up. What I don't want to do is end up in this half way house where we only ever meet up on the day when it's convenient for him which is just shit for me or we just decide we are FWB which is fine with me but that's not what he has said he wants (he's said he wants more).

Saw friend who is a photographer and she's going to help do some photos of me at some point for when I go back on OLD :).

Next week I'm out every night from Monday onwards anyway (work stuff, friends etc.) so I'm keeping myself busy!

OP posts:
DaffoDeffo · 24/11/2018 17:53

midcentury it is like grieving and it is why I try and push to meet people quickly as there's no substitute for real life interaction. But the bond you can make messaging is no less real x

OP posts:
removalizer · 24/11/2018 17:59

Meeting teacher lady tonight for a drink, we know each socially through a group of friends but it's just us two tonight we both think there's a bit of a spark so we'll see how it goes

MyOldBrainStoppedWorking · 24/11/2018 18:47

scotgal I've had many chats with men who can't seem to ask questions or even answer in an interesting way. If it's hard work then is it really worth the effort? You have more patience than me, I would've stopped messaging after a couple of days and see if they step up.

Daffo good news about your photographer friend. Just make sure they don't look too professional. Ridiculous, I know, but it could make your profile look like a fake.
I hope you manage to sort it out with Mr Disappearing

removalizer good luck tonight.

My date is arranged for Monday. So far, so good. He asks questions. Tells me about his day and his life. I feel like I've been chatting to him for ages but it's less than a week. Trying to keep a cool head about him but he's ticking all the right boxes so far. I'll give him a name after the date - don't want to jinx it.

IndieTara · 24/11/2018 19:07

So I have a first date with Mr Music tomorrow ( after talking on and off since Feb but never being able to get it together for lots of reasons )

There is huge chemistry and I just hope it translates when meeting in RL.

The guy I dated for 5 weeks who dropped me when I told him I'd googled him after our first date had started messaging again no idea why

And my friend is trying to set me up with her handyman and has given me his number.

It's like buses all coming at once!

TwiceMagic · 24/11/2018 21:35

Surely everyone googles, especially after a first date. I asked my boyfriend what his surname was on our first date, partly out of interest and partly because you cannot google with only a really common first name (even if you know their job etc). I know he googled me too.

I’d be more worried about someone who wasn’t interested enough to google.

Good luck for all these first dates. I’m hoping there’s chemistry all round. 😁

@giggleshizz. Many years ago I (unsuccessfully) tried OLD as a young, very slim woman. Because most of the other 21 year olds I knew were about the same size as me, I selected ‘about average’ in my profile description. I was told by the first 2 guys I met that I should change it to ‘slim’ because they assumed that ‘about average’ meant ‘a bit overweight’.

From this, I would suspect that it really doesn’t matter which description you choose because people interpret these things so completely differently. One person’s ‘slim’ is another’s ‘curvy’ and possibly another’s ‘very overweight’. It depends on all sorts of factors. Certainly, my mum still insisted I was tiny even when I’ve felt like I’m enormous and need to lose weight. But 21 year old me would look at the number on my scales these days in disgust, even though nearly 40 year old me thinks she’s pretty slim these days. 😆

I also agree that choosing anything suggesting you are very overweight (and I am most certainly not suggesting you are) and you’ll start to attract people with more particular interests.

So, yeah, who cares what it says on your profile. Wear your new top and go out feeling confident and, I’m sure, looking amazing.

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