Dating thread 142: love will tear us apart...again

[DaffoDeffo]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

jesuis I couldn't be happier for you

giggle I'm a bit against the grain here but I would find that dilemma really difficult, it feels shit to be the one being postponed as we all know. Are you going to give him the real reason?

push I feel your pain, I'm sorry but it does sound like you need to move on from this guy

Oh and shit the tumbleweed moment when height is mentioned!

push I find the best way is to just get back out there again (to get over someone who isn't really that interested)

I'm going to have it out with him tonight had enough of feeling in limbo really. I need to know what's going on.

shit Height would be a deal breaker for me. I know it sounds completely shallow, but having been married for 18 years to a man the same height as me, I really wanted a taller man, having never worn a pair of heels because he didn't like me being taller. As you say, we all like what we like, don't we? II'm sure some men like big boobs/nice bum/particular hair colour. I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all, as long as we're not veering into "shopping list of the perfect man" territory, I'm sure we'd all have a long wait then.

Give him the benefit of the doubt perhaps, and see what happens, but the fact that he's not mentioned it on his profile, when most men try to shoe horn it in somewhere if they're over 5ft 9" would make me think he's on the shorter side. Not a problem for a lady who is 5ft 3" though?

yes I don't have an issue with height but I find it hard to be with thin men. I'd rather they had meat on their bones whatever their height.

But there is definitely something about a big tall man that works for me

I also think, like you say, that men choose women over certain characteristics - I don't think it's wrong to decide in your head, this is what I fancy and stick to it

push I had that conversation with MrPB the other night, I suggested we cool things until he's ready to move forward. I confirmed I like him and I'm interested but we're going nowhere and I need to move on. Basically you're the problem not me but in a nice way. We're still chatting but I'm dialling it back and no flirting, hard but I didn't want to completely dump him. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Need advice, I've met this lady a few times as friends however I have intimated via our numerous text convos that I am interested in more than friends but she says that their are various men chasing her at the moment and only wants to see me as a friend.

There's a local band on tonight which we both like, she wants to go with me as a friend, I have enough friends should I hang in there ?

removalizer If you can go as friends, enjoy the band and have a good evening then why not. She'll have a chance to see you in a relaxed social setting so that's good. If you see it as an opportunity to make a move when she's already said she's not interested then don't do it.

shit, I'm also with you on height which is a bit harsh as I am a shortie. I do like a guy to be around 6 foot. I also prefer men with a bit of meat on them but I have a no big tummy rule and I'm sticking to it!

The point about excitement vs. drama is a really good one. I think with MrEx is went from excitement to drama really quickly and there's never a good thing. Excitement about seeing someone and planning dates vs. drama as to when you will see them again. Not good.

daffo, I am loving the full of self confidence comment. Go you :-).

pushreset, I think you need to know what's going on with your guy. Its easier in some ways to try and put him on the backburner and see how it pans out (I was totally unable to do that though as I am a bit black and white and not good with things being fluid).

If having it out is what you need to do then do it, but I would just be prepared that you might not hear what you want to hear and it could all end? Another option is to downgrade it to friends which leaves you free to date but also leaves the contact door open a little? I feel for you I really do, I broke my heart over MrEx :-(. More crying for what could have been really!

@removalizer it's really up to you. If you're not happy to be just friends then say no, she's been clear about what she wants so I wouldn't go if you were hoping it might lead to something else
If you can accept friends and want some company for the gig then yes why not

cool I wanted to comment on the committment thing. I too have sat here and wondered why I tolerated Mr Music (this was back in the summer) and now Mr Disappearing, who are both essentially behaving the same way. Both very laid back about seeing me, cancel dates, tell me stuff (like 'when' we move in together) but the actions don't match the words etc. but when they turn up it's absolutely amazing. They were/are both essentially unavailable to me. And yet I find myself amazingly attracted to both (doesn't help that they are both incredibly good looking, both were 6 ft 4 with large builds but not fat).

I think it's because I had a tough time as a kid and I'm used to rejection and this is what that is. I've had loads of good relationships, I'm lucky that way I know so I'm not ONLY attracted to men like this. But there is something about this type of man that I am always drawn to yet in no way does it meet any of my needs. And it's because it feels comfortable as it's what I'm used to.

The way to get out of it is by deciding what your needs are and then thinking, logically, whether this person meets your needs. They probably don't and won't but you almost need it written out in front of you to realise it's wrong as the attraction of these unavailable men is so so strong!

I'm tempted to say no because there's no indication of Progressing to a relationship. Should I tell her that and throw in the towel ?

I think you have to say it in a nice way removaliser. She's been good enough to be honest so I would say something like, thanks very much for being honest with me but I'm looking for a relationship so I wish you luck in the future. And then just stop contacting her.

once a woman has said she wants to be friends, she won't want anything more

Good plan I'll do that

I'm nearly 5'11 and I like a man my height(no one over 6foot) and stocky!

I had 99 views on pof but only 6 messages,most of who I wouldn't date hmm

@DaffoDeffo "once a woman has said she wants to be friends, she won't want anything more" - argh
I just suggested to my date (Mr5Kids) in a few hours (!) after he expressed being nervous about this afternoon that if things didn't work out I really wouldn't mind being his friend! Talk about saying the wrong thing (from a good place, though!)

Went to the hairdressers yesterday where they'd changed the brand of hair colours they're using. So my hair is very bright red/orange. Which may be useful for Mr5Kids as Ive told him he just needs to look out for a satsuma head in the bar! :-)

@Jesuit - your news is SOOOO awesome. I'm really pleased for you!

daffo, Its can be strange when you see what choices you are making. I'm definitely guilty of being attracted to those who can't or wont commit as then I won't have to commit. Whilst saying to myself that I want a proper relationship! Mine comes from my first relationship after my marriage which was a year long and we went from living together with marriage plans to being over within a day. It was a horrible horrible shock and I felt like the rug had literally been pulled out from underneath me. Its massively impacted me and I'm over him but not the experience if that makes sense.

Although I am a contradiction though as with Mr Ex (who's now reappeared), I was 100% wanting a relationship with him. What is odd is how long it took me to move on from it and stop clinging on to any breadcrumb he left for me. How hurt I got from that experience was largely down to me rushing and overinvesting and allowing myself to be hurt over and over again.

Sorry, that all got a bit deep there! But good to recognise past behaviours. MrEx coming back has stirred up emotions !

midcentury - eeek is this the first date with Mr5kids who you've been chatting to for ages? Keeping everything crossed :-).

I agree with you all 're the excitement vs drama.
I guess I was just saying that just because something doesn't immediately fall into the 'easy' category doesn't mean it's doomed!

cool if you're self-contradicting re wanting a relationship, I would have said you're probably not ready, yet. That's what I'm finding anyway

@poster coolcahuna it is indeed! Loads and loads of chatting - a little flirty but nothing seedy - I hope I've not broken the rule of over-investing.. he might see my satsuma head and run a mile!

cool i totally get that and I have been completely guilty of exactly the same things. It's the fear of rejection not commitment. You are attracted to the ones that don't invite you to over invest because it's 'safe'. But where someone does, you throw yourself into it. I have made the same mistakes in the past and they are very hard to stop. You have to keep a sense of your self and what you want in the forefront of your mind but I know how hard it is to do that! The same traps will always be there to fall into!

@WTF99 of course, every situation is different
Having had both the 'boring' marriage and then a rollercoaster from hell with the alcoholic I feel like I've found a happy medium.
Enough going on in my life without stressing about a bloke 😬