Dating thread 142: love will tear us apart...again

[DaffoDeffo]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

That was me Scot 😀

I was pleased today that Mr E. Text me first, it's difficult to read but I think he might just be shy. I'm desperately trying not to over think things....

Do you think you might ask Mr4am out?

So I've been dating a guy for about 5 weeks - 6 dates! All seemed to be going well but lately I feel he's been pulling away but then randomly will make me feel like he's not.

I haven't seen him in the last week due to children and his social life. And he's not confirmed a date for next week so I'm left thinking what's going on!

So I've messaged him tonight asking him to be honest with me if he wants to call it a day.

He says he doesn't but I want someone to sweep me off my feet s bit more.

Dating with children is so tricky when either of us get very little free time and then with work on top.

Not sure what I'm asking for but am I looking for something that doesn't exist or am I being high maintenance?

whoknows11 no,you're not being high maintenance,you just feel he is pulling away so you're just after reassurance. It's so hard when work,kids,distance and social lives have to be worked around. Have you had the exclusive chat?

@Whoknows11 it's hard but I think this is where it's important to go back to what some of us were saying earlier about it should feel easy and stress free, not like you're having to chase and second guess how the other person feels no matter how busy you are.
I run a business, a house, have 2 primary school aged children, 2 horses and a dog plus a fairly active social life away from dating.
The guy I'm dating (4 months in now) is 10 years younger than me, no kids but does work long hours. He's always made me feel like I'm a priority and he's always worked around when I have the kids etc. I've never had to chase or run round in circles to accommodate him, he's always put the effort in with me and made it clear that he'll fit in with my schedule. It obviously works both ways and I'd never expect him to drop everything for me, but in all honesty he does it without me asking. I've never once wondered if I should text, never felt like I'm wondering what he's thinking etc

I think in the position you're in I'd leave it at a 'let me know when you're free we could do X' and then leave it with him. If you do all the chasing he'll become emotionally lazy and stop putting any effort in at all. If he doesn't show you he's still interested then, as harsh as it sounds, maybe he's not. (Fingers crossed I'm wrong though!)

Apologies for crashing the thread. I've been on mumsnet for ages and lurked on this thread for....ooh.....a year, maybe more ? Ages anyway.

During that time I've been separated almost 3 years after a loooong marriage....finally divorced a month ago.....briefly tried OLD....and have had a turbulent up and down time with a lovely real life guy who I'm currently very happy and settled with....it's taken us quite a while to get here....

Just sayin that wishywashy's version of perfection after 4 months is not the way it goes for everyone and not necessarily what everyone wants sounds a teeny bit smug and boring for me if I'm honest

Me and my guy have tested each other out quite thoroughly over the months...it's not always been comfortable and easy.....certainly wasn't that 4 months in! But its been an exciting rollercoastet and now we have a solid and loving connection.

There are many routes to finding what's right for you and whoknows I was definitely feeling a bit wobbly after 5 weeks....going strong 2 years later though and still find him the most exciting and gorgeous man I've ever met. And so loving, loyal and sweet....just took him a while to show me...not always easy to hang on in there though. Good luck!

Morning peeps, hope everyone has a good day!

@WaitingforMrHardy yes it's so hard when you're a people pleaser, I am working on it! I think it's especially hard with Mr 4amGuy because he is easygoing (it's in his profile and his profile name has easygoing in it too lol). I just have to calm myself down and go with it, it's a good life lesson I suppose lol.

I like to think what they do is out of my hands. If they get in touch, they do. If they don't (and I don't mean hounding them till they do) then I have no control over it.

I used to be hurt if I didn't get a reply (last time I did OLD five years ago), but now I know it's best to suck it up and move on. No point thinking about someone that doesn't have you in their mind also

@WTF99 glad to hear you've found happiness

I'm sure we'll test each other at some point down the road, it's far from boring but after 18 months with a narcissistic alcoholic, I have very little tolerance for anyone playing games or 'testing' me. I'd rather be on my own 🤷🏼‍♀️. If rollercoaster has worked for you then that's wonderful, but I'll stick to Blackpool for those. Apologies for sounding smug I'm not sorry at all for feeling the way I feel

wtf is completely right in that there are many ways in which things can work out @whoknows but I still wouldn't be chasing him in the situation you describe
Good luck

whoknows I totally agree with what Wishy says. I realised over the last 48 hours that I was totally a mug re the guy I dated for the last ten weeks. Constantly unsure of what his intentions were, I excused his poor behaviour due to his total lack of long term relationship experience and spent hours agonising over his intent and hoping for a text. I'd be on the point of jacking it in then he'd a suddenly make or agree to a plan and we'd have a lovely date/weekend and I'd think it was going well, I was living in a bubble though when with him and juggling my schedule whilst he (single, no kids, self employed) had to make no effort to fit me into his life. What a fucking waste of head space. Re read the rules on here, if you're not enjoying it stop.

I've gone back onto Old sites to chat to people to keep my mind off having been dumped but I will be moving forward with much better boundaries. If someone makes me wonder if they are interested I will be asking clearly and moving on if they can't be arsed. I want to be some one 's priority not their option.

Exactly cold
My rule going into OLD was 'if it ain't easy it ain't happening'

on the train this morning next to me was a man browsing Brides4Love. He was messaging about 5 of them asking if they were buying their ticket to the UK in the black friday sales

urgh
urgh
urgh
urgh!

@DaffoDeffo

Wtf?!! You should have struck up a loud and merry conversation with him asking him exactly what he was looking for

So I have a huge dilemma. Mr Spoon and I have a date Sunday. Chat is slow and steady, not feeling a zing yet. Mr stalker who I will rename mr C for ease and I spoke for 2 hours ion the phone last night and he is giving me massive fanny gallops 😍

I know the thread rules i.e. over investing too soon, keeping several irons going etc but for some reason I feel I need to see mr c before mr spoon. I think I will be totally distracted by mr c otherwise and this will shine through.

So dilemma is to postpone mr spoon a few days to see mr c first and see if there is a spark. Postponing dates is shit I know but I really really want to swap the dates around. Thoughts?

In other news it was so amazing to have a two hour in depth adult conversation last night. Beats the six year old any day!

giggle postpone Mr Spoon and see Mr Fanny Gallops for sure! Doesn't matter if you push Mr Spoon back by a few days....you won't be able to concentrate on your date with him and won't give him a fair chance. You need to meet Fanny Gallops to see if it's real.

@giglle I agree withDaffo

@giggleshizz I agree with Daffo and Scotgal, see MrC (Fanny Gallops) first.

I'd been messaging Mr Old for 3 weeks and was due to meet him this Monday, however, on Saturday night I started chatting to MrAbs, we met on Sunday and I was blown away. I still met Mr Old on Monday, but he was nothing like his online persona (which was hot as hell), and it was chocolate oranges all round.

I'm glad I met Mr Old and MrAbs is glad it went terribly .

Had my second date sleepover with MrAbs last night. Had our lovely middle of the night talk. He's very honest about his flaws - bit of a perfectionist, really values his time at the gym because it's his way of destressing (fine with me, I only want to see him a a couple of nights a week and better than him necking 8 pints down the pub, plus I get the benefit ), his kids come first (no bad thing - same for me).

So I'm there again tonight (we're both childfree), then we probably won't see each other again until end of next week.

Anyway, we've both agreed we're exclusive. Too soon? Possibly, but he's been OLD for 2 years and says I'm the only one he's had a connection like this with, so, whilst he continues to make me smile from ear to ear, gives me fanny gallops and the most amazing hugs (god I have missed being hugged by a man), I won't be looking anywhere else.

My chocolate orange is at the back of the cupboard for the time being. (Sorry if anyone thinks that's smug and boring, different strokes for different folks ...)

I'll hang around for a while if no one minds?

@jesuispriest, I for one am glad your chocolate orange will lurk at the back of the cupboard. At the end of the day, that is what we are all looking for, so if you both feel it's time to be exclusive then that is entirely up to you both. Live your lives the way you want to! If it feels right, then it feels right. One thing I have learned since being single/having counselling, is that all feelings are valid, all feelings should be allowed to happen - just let it flow!

oh and feel free to hang around to give your appreciated input !

how wonderful jesuis

there's no rules about when to go exclusive. My best mate was OLD for years, the week she was going to give it up, she met the man of her dreams and they had moved in together in the next month (she's 57). Sometimes things just work :).

I'm in a v frisky mood today . Mr Disappearing is saying the right stuff to me but still not setting up a time to meet. I have been told I look foxy today - made an effort as have a big meal out with friends tonight - i'm feeling full of self confidence so have decided if Mr D doesn't set something up for Sunday, then next week I will go back on the dating sites. I don't owe him anything but we are both off dating sites so if I do go back on, I will feel the need to tell him.

@JeSuisPrest that's amazing!!

I think there's a massive difference between excitement and drama.
My 14 year relationship with my exh could be classed as boring yes, but this is exciting in its own way without all the worry and drama
Got enough going on in my life without that

But like you say, different strokes for different folks 🤷🏼‍♀️

Of course stick around! It's always nice to keep up with everyone's story ☺️

giggle definitely swop them around, its 2 days away so you're not cancelling Mr Spoon at the last minute or anything. Has Mr C asked for a date? I love those phonecalls when you are just laughing and laughing.

Had a great evening with FWB, feel restored today after lots of fun and we just generally laughed all evening so that's been good for the soul. I need to reign MrMusic in a bit with the sex chat, its gone from a bit of banter/flirting to full on which is not really my thing until I'm actually sleeping with someone. I'm going to keep the chat to normal things and if he steers it that way, I might say something. Any wise ideas on how to phrase it? I do find him really attractive and it may well happen at some point but I take my time with stuff like this and 6 weeks of sex talk could get boring.

MrEx has said he wants to see how things go. So we are still chatting but I am not asking him to meet up. I am writing this on here to actually remind me that i WILL not be doing that. I also make excuses for him being shy but then remind myself he's been married and had relationships since so he is not shy. Just potentially being crap with me. Sigh. I can't lie, I really like him. But I'm not sure now if its the challenge I like as he's a bit unobtainable? I seem attracted by that?

One of my friends has a theory that she thinks I am actually the commitment phobe and that's why I go for the emotionally unavailable ones because it will only progress to a certain point. I think there might be some logic in that.

Mr red asked me if I had any plans for the weekend, I said no only something on Sunday... Asked if he had any plans he said he wasn't sure yet..and that was it! Honestly I just don't know what to do! I'm trying to be sympathic and give him a bit of space but I'm starting to feel like I don't matter and it's crap 😔

Really happy for you @JeSuisPrest

Great news @JeSuisPrest nice to hear a success story!