Dating thread 142: love will tear us apart...again

[DaffoDeffo]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

coldlocation, he sounds like the eternal batchelor and unable to cope with a real relationship. The sex thing doesn't sounds great either so you might feel some relief over the next couple of days?

Just checking in to say still chatting to my one iron. He seems a real gentleman which is refreshing. Still on for Sunday but the last one I had lined up cancelled last minute so I'm just taking it for what it is.

He's also busy with work and kids so there's no pressure to constantly answer messages.

Still looking on March to see if I can add a few fires.

Some advice from the men on the thread would be appreciated.

I've been talking to this man for approaching 7 weeks. He didn't want to rush to meet and was busy at work but when pushed met me for a coffee two weeks in. Since then he's been poorly for three weeks, he's better (not 100% maybe) but he's back at work. I suggested that we might meet Saturday night and he wants to see if he's well enough and his elderly Father is also now poorly. I just want a date in the diary.

So, I think I've been more than patient, he's 8 years older than me for context. Because he's been ill and now his Father's Ill I feel a bitch suggesting we cool things until he's in a position to take things further, but at the same time I can't continue with all the messaging if this is going nowhere and potentially he's just stringing me along.

I don't understand why he's not keener, he's met me says he likes me, fancies me etc. I need to develop a thicker skin I know.

Thoughts please.

I agree with those who say that ‘no spark’ is a reason rather than an excuse. There definitely needs to be something to make you want a second date.

Personally, I have always found that I just know when I’ve met someone. If I don’t feel like that, there’s no point.

My (OLD procured) boyfriend is really quite quiet and introverted. But that didn’t mean there wasn’t a ‘spark’ when we met. I remember my friend had been messaging me about the whole thing and had calmed my nerves waiting for him by saying I just needed to work out if I could fancy him. My mid-date loo update was that there was no could about it; I definitely did. Luckily he felt the same way.

In some ways it is a numbers game. You might be ‘lucky’ and find a spark quickly, or you might need to meet lots (and lots) of people. No matter what age you are, lots of people will swipe left on you. And you will always get more matches than you get messages/replies, and only some of the messages will end in dates. And only some of those dates will generate any kind of spark (which may, or may not, last).

The difficulty is in not becoming fed up or taking it personally. After all, you aren’t interested in everyone you meet in everyday life either. It won’t be any different online.

I don’t think you’d be a bitch for saying that you should cool it/leave it until he’s in a position to actually date @likeridingabike. That seems completely reasonable.

Like I'm not a man but to me this sounds like he's just not that into you, sorry.

I might be wrong however (I hope I am). Whichever way you look at it, I would suggest pulling back if you can by reducing the messaging. And get chatting to some more irons.

Twice I've got emotionally invested unfortunately despite really trying not to. I don't want to upset him, although he's upsetting me.

Movember I'm sure you're right, he's said he's anxious about getting involved too quickly because he's been hurt before, but that could be bs for all I know.

@likeridingabike as the Ladies suggest he's not that into you, if I was into you then I would be made up that you even messaged me and it would be hearts and flowers soon after, back to OLD for you I'm afraid, don't forget there's a queue of guys waiting for your attention

I think that’s exactly why you should do it @likeridingabike. You need to step back so you can protect yourself from becoming (more) emotionally invested.

Telling him that it’s about him not being in a place to date right now is the polite way of telling him to stop bloody messing you around. You deserve better than that.

As for spark. My first ever OLD first date did nothing for me at all, no spark, but he ticked various other boxes (tall, intelligent, solvent). When I left I was too nice to say I didn't want to see him again so said I would think about it. My thoughts at that point were no spark so no. I was surprised to hear from him a week later. Because I was a bit down that night, I agreed to a second date at mine. Just wanted to get the deed done IYSWIM after long sexless marriage. Spark on first kiss (within 10 seconds of him walking in the door) was electric, he was kind and really good in bed that night and afterwards. So glad I didn't only rely on the gut feel 'no spark' thing!

Thanks, I'll have to find the right words and message him later, I've done all the chasing from sending the first message on POF, and I just feel disappointed by his response. If he can't at least put a date in the diary now he's back at work I can't carry on. I really don't understand why men do this.

You have some strange fetishes wishy 😲

Oops the PC police are out 😂

@likeridingabike I'd probably just leave it as something like "you let me know if you want to get a date in the diary, hope your father makes a speedy recovery" and leave the ball in his court
You're not being insensitive but you need to look our for yourself and it shouldn't feel one sided

The difficulty is in not becoming fed up or taking it personally. After all, you aren’t interested in everyone you meet in everyday life either. It won’t be any different online.

This this this ^^
I had so many guys get arsey with me if I politely declined them.
I was accused of being superficial, ridiculous judgements made based on a quick 'no thank you', called frigid (the ones on here who know me know just how hilarious that one is ! 😂) and quizzed in depth as to why I wouldn't go on a date with them 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's absolutely fine for someone else not to be interested in you no matter how much you think you like them

Ooops sorry MN!
@removalizer I don't, I just know a few and they're not all bad
My sister lives with one! 😂

Sorry to hear your news cold and Like

Whatever stage of dating it's full of angst, I think it's like poker sometimes, but no one wants to show their hand first

Yeah my scrapmans ok to be fair

I was accused of being superficial, ridiculous judgements made based on a quick 'no thank you', called frigid (the ones on here who know me know just how hilarious that one is ! 😂) and quizzed in depth as to why I wouldn't go on a date with them

But... you told me you were a nun

@Kin2 I lied 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think I'm done with OLD for a while, maybe in the new year.

That’s really bad @wishywashy6. Sadly, not enormously surprising, but really bad nonetheless. It is so important that everyone involved in OLD recognises that it’s perfectly ok if someone isn’t interested in them (and for them not to be interested in someone).

I’m sure for other people ‘spark’ can grow. I’ve just never experienced it. That said, I did the kiss test that produced a spark for @MovemberBlues on the first date with my boyfriend. It confirmed what I already knew. 😆

The problem is most of us guys think with our d....s present company excepted of course 🙄