Dating thread 142: love will tear us apart...again

[DaffoDeffo]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

@Azzizam Told him I didn't want to, hopefully he doesn't read it the wrong way. I just want to make things as simple as they can be for him at the moment. I want him to not be stressed out.

Mr BTO and I parted ways this morning. He admitted to sex and intimacy issues making him feel that he could not have a relationship - due to a spinal injury he can't ejaculate so feels inadequate about sex. He told me that he worked out last week that he likes me, I make him laugh, he's had more fun with me than he has with anyone he's dated for years but there was no "boom boom" (spark) for him anymore. We met early September, I'm gutted.

Pushreset I hope he wants you to ride the storm with him.
I've just rejoined pof,put a little sentence at the bottom asking people to put it in their message so I know they have read it. Six messages,but no sentence. so nobody has read the profile! I may delete that bit as it's pointless!

@removalizer personally I won't travel too far. I did it once, it turned into a 2 year relationship butthe distance ( 35 miles away ) did become an issue.

He didn't have kids and I do so was always rushing with never enough time to get things done.

10 miles max from now on for me

@coldlocation I'm sorry to hear that. Best thing you can take from it is that he was honest with you and you can move on to someone who does feel the same as you.

@coldlocation I experienced something similar recently. I was seeing a guy I met OL for a couple of months. He kind of led the pace and early on was planning weekends away for us both, booking and talking about weekend breaks into next year, always wanting to see me (when my and his child free time would allow) and making it clear that we were 'exclusive'. I was actually a bit indifferent to him to start with but started developing feelings for him and then he comes round one night as planned for dinner and told me he felt the 'spark' had gone and that was that!
He clearly felt something I didn't earlier on, which faded for him but I am not 16 and need to get to know someone a bit for me to know I like someone a lot. I think this elusive 'spark' means different things to different people and some people assume there is something wrong with a relationship if they don't get butterflies every time they see/speak to someone.

That spark excuse is the Bain of my life, the amount of first dates which ended in the no spark excuse is quite numerous, I wish all ladies would just let things develop a bit

I do think you need to feel 'something' about someone for you to want to see them again - for me it was that we had easy conversation all evening on our first date, we clearly had things in common and I didn't find him unattractive...I just wasn't blown away so thought it was worth another date. I think most first dates are so fraught with nerves that I'm not sure you get the 'real' person very often anyway.
I guess you know if there really is nothing there, which maybe is where the "no spark" thing comes from after a first date. I just find it odd that this excuse is used after a few weeks/months of a relationship as things change the more you get to know someone/spend time with them but change isn't always a bad thing and that initial spark rarely lasts indefinitely...it changes into different feelings.

sorry to hear that cold, hope you're ok

I started dating someone else about a month ago and I'm going with a different mindset this time. I'm keeping my feet on the ground, taking one day at a time - no plans further than a week or two for now, no conversations about exclusivity yet...I'm just enjoying it for what it is and if it develops then great, if it doesn't it doesn't.

@removalizer Same with me, I would say I've been on 100+ dates in the last couple of years from online dating and only a handful have led to a second date and one or two beyond that. Usually I get the 'sorry no spark/no chemistry' text the next day. You have to build an extremely thick skin.

Thanks all. Thanks all. Had a lovely long chat over coffee with a friend. She says a bullet dodged, I had so much anxiety about if he was into me, she reckons the sex stuff well take years to fix (emotionally or physically) and since he said I made him laugh and he had more fun and lovely weekends with me than anyone he'd dated in the last ten years he's clearly not a clue what the "boom boom" (as he called it) or spark is. Sigh. Still sucks though

@Sunshineandflipflops completely agree there's got to be 'something' to make you want a second date.
I've been on dates where I've had a nice time but just not felt anything and I don't see the point in leading anyone on so I've declined second dates using the 'no spark' reason, which I think is a very valid one 🤷🏼‍♀️
First date with my BF was so easy, already felt we'd 'clicked' from our chats online but conversation flowed & we laughed our heads off all night, that's what made me want to see him again more than the fact I fancied him. Been on other dates with guys who I fancied on paper but they couldn't engage my mind and that immediately switches me off

To use it after a few weeks or even months though is a little different as, like you say, the spark develops into different feelings. I suppose it's different in every case. Maybe it was never there but they tried giving it a go or maybe they'd been seeing others and found someone else with whom there's more of a spark. Perhaps they discover an area of your personality they're not keen on. There's endless possibilities
It does sound like a bit of a cop out I guess but at the end of the day if someone's needing to use it then it's probably best to just accept they're not right for you

it does suck, be kind to yourself x

I have decided I am going to see Mr Friday Night on Friday after my dinner as it just stops me obsessing over Mr Disappearing

I would never have a relationship with Mr Friday Night as he is an utter nightmare (v jumpy and frantic) but he's a lot of fun and a great distraction and I suspect we may just fall into a FWB which is probably what I need to distract me before I go back into OLD!

am thinking of asking a friend who is a photographer to take some photos of me (not posed or anything but at least hopefully she will get the light right etc.!!).....do you think that's a good idea? My photos really are a bit shit

It seems our "sparks" hit at different times. He was mad keen at the outset, pursued me etc. We had the most lovely weekend at the end of October and I really thought 'ok' and that this could be something worth continuing with.... then he went away for 2.5 weeks and it's all gone to shite (and no there was no one else).

@Sunshineandflipflops that's exactly the approach I took ☺️ enjoy!

@richdeniro phew I thought it was just me, all my mates taking the p... I guess you're a bloke then ?

Yep I'm a 38 year old guy. Definitely not you - My problem is that it does take me a while to warm up and be myself - I'm not an extrovert by nature either, especially when it comes to showing women that you are attracted to them so if no one gives me the chance to shine so to speak then there isn't much chance especially with the fact a better first date is only another swipe away.

coldlocation, the dreaded spark. I agree, I kind of get that after one date. Happens all the time. But after a few months, how odd to use that as a reason? Spark lasts so long and then it moves to something deeper. Hope you are ok xx

@sunshine, I have the same approach as you. One date at a time, no future planning etc. Its worked well this year, I haven't been burnt too much! I find alot of guys in their 40s have come out of stale marriages and looking for excitement/spark all the time. if only real life was constant spark and connection, it would be great.

I'm in dangerous territory going down memory lane with Mr Ex

@richdeniro you sound the same as me, I've tried the pick up artist routines but they're just not me and they look at me like I've got 2 heads, this site is terrific though the Ladies are a great source of advice.

We've had a little chat my iron and I. He says he cares too much just to throw in the towel. He's hoping this feeling down is just a blip but he doesn't know what to do. I told him I'd ride it out with him as I understood what he's feeling. Time will tell now I suppose....

@Pushreset if he's willing to be so open with you that's a positive. Be there for him but don't let it consume you, remember you've got needs too

Thanks @wishywashy6 I'll try and remember that. Can't give up just because he's having a hard time but can't give up on my own needs either.... He knows I'm not going to disappear because of how he is now so maybe that will alleviate some pressure for him.

coolcahuna I've spent all avo wondering if he ever had the bloody spark, he claimed that it was late last week that he thought we should only be friends and that he was not stringing me along prior to that. His sex issue was huge and explains why he'd made it to 54 without ever having a relationship longer than 6 months. I think there was also an issue of him being very batchelory with a content, neat, quiet life and me having a busy life with 3 adolescent sons - both admitted that we weren't sure how /if that could ever have gelled. But hey ho.... Onwards forwards but good lord I had forgotten how grim this is.

I will eventually realise that I should have taken more heed of the "he's just not that into you signs"and get over myself...