I feel sad for DD who is just waiting for heartbreak in 9 months

[elliemillie]

My 14 year old DD has a 17 year old boyfriend. They have been dating since June this year. They are really in love when I see them together. I was really upset when it started as I thought she was too young but it has totally transformed her life. She stopped self harming, hanging out with a pro anorexia group and another that thrived on glamourising self harming

Last night DD told me that boyfriend said he was going to break up with her in 9 months when he turns 18. So she knows this is waiting to happen but loves him too much to leave now.

I feel so sad for her. I am anxious about her mental state in nine months. Part of me wants to tell her to leave now but I am also painfully aware I ghosted a lot of great guys when I was younger because i was scared they will leave me. Which was really horrible for them.

How can I support her?

Is it because he’s going to university? That’s a fairly normal transition phase.

No he is worried about being labelled a paedophile. He is taking a gap year so not going to Uni for another year

Why 9 months then?

He turns 18 in nine months

Isn't he being sensible, though? At 18 he'll be an adult having a 'relationship' with a child. But there has to be a gentle, supportive way of dealing with this.

Doesn't it bother you your 14 year old going out with nearly an adult?

Is it that he's a nice boy who is going away to uni in nine months and letting her know now that he wants to keep their relationship more casual rather than long term? Maybe he likes her but is uncomfortable with how much she has fallen for him? In which case she needs to work on building up healthy friendships, hobbies and support, and make this boy a minor rather than major part of her life, so that she is comfortable with the relationship ending when he goes to uni.

Or that he's being a dick and encouraging her to fall in love with him but wants to keep his options open? In which case I'd ideally want her to end it before she gets hurt, but she may not want to do that, and so encouraging her to build up other friendships and support is a good step towards needing him less.

Either way relying too much on a teenage boyfriend for support is not great, as even nice teenagers aren't always emotionally mature, and it sounds like your daughter's difficulties might be a lot for a boyfriend to deal with at that age, and he might end up dealing with it badly. It would be great if she could have a range of sources of friendship and support. I would try to find ways she can develop good friendships and hobbies separate from him, easier said than done I know.

Surely at 17, he's already too old for your daughter? I would have this relationship stop now

If he doesn't want to be with her in 9 months, he doesn't really want to be with her now. He should end it now to be fair to her. 15 and 18 isn't a huge age gap but the age of consent comes into question.

Ah I know this sounds really really callous of him but I remember this. When I was a teen I'd been with my boyfriend (first love) from when I was 15, but when he was 18 and was off to uni we split up. We got back together in the Xmas holidays - and then split up again in Sept when I went off to uni! (I was a year younger.) I still think of him fondly.

What he says he will do in nine months and what he actually does in nine months are likely to be different things. He will be nine months more involved too - if they are actually still together it will be (too?) hard for him to end it.

Well considering he is nearly an adult man, yes of course he should be staying away from 14/15 years old girls.

I know you said this relationship has benefited your daughter mental health but surely this progress is something that should be achieved on her own, not with an man to aid her.

Have you reached out to mental health groups to support your daughter? Have you involved SS when she was self harming?

Why was she self harming? Why did she have a eating disorder? Is she not happy at home which is why she has latched onto the boyfriend.

Considering they have only been dating for 4 months, you are hailing him as this 'hero' for solving your daughter problems is extremely detrimental to your daughter development and self resilience.

Also threatening to dump her is pretty awful thing to do to someone who you supposedly care about. If he feared for the future he never should have dated her in the first place.

As a mother it is your responsibility to support and protect your daughter. Now it is about supporting her mental health without the assistance of the older boyfriend. There are outside agencies you can ask for help from.

This isn't the lovely boy that was seen on social media snogging another girl at a party is it? Or am I confusing you with another poster.

TBH, she is far too young for him now, never mind in nine months.

They shouldn't really be a couple in the first place. 14 and 17 is quite a big gap at that age.

Your daughter could benefit from counselling or therapy for her self harming. A teenage (almost adult) boyfriend is not the solution.

I feel for you as a mother OP. Good luck.

A 17 yo with a 14 yo is already wrong. He's in a position of power over her - just look at it, he can tell her he's going to ditch her in 9 months and she's still too enthralled by him to walk away.

If he cares about her he wouldn't still be involved, and he sure as hell wouldn't expect her to spend 9 months knowing she's disposable to him.

Grooming. Child sexual exploitation. The only reason a 17 yo would be involved with a girl so young is because she's easier to control and manipulate. You've said yourself she was incredibly vulnerable already. I sincerely doubt his interest in her is coincidental - it just made her an easier target.

And yes, of course she's happy in the love bombing stage where he's making her feel special and promising her the world. That's the point of it. It gets you to ignore your instincts, which at 14 probably weren't that strong yet anyway.

Now he's testing how successful he's been - "have I tied her to me deeply enough that I can threaten to hurt her without her walking away?" He's got his answer.

This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. You need to gently support her to end it (not all guns blazing telling her what to do), and support her to learn about healthy relationships before she's targeted again.

To be honest I think he is doing the right thing. He shouldn't be going out with an underage girl when he is 18.

Why are you worried about the short sharp shock of being dumped in 9 months, and not the sustained fucking over of her mental health for the full 9 months listening to his shit and waiting for it to happen? I think you’re worried about the wrong thing.

I know that a sensible conversation and telling her to dump him isn’t going to work instantly.

What therapy is she having?

Isn’t staying with a boy who’s planning to dump you (and telling you so) a form of self harm in itself?

I went out with someone who, at 18, had been dating a 14yo. I was 19 at the time and was horrified; he just shrugged and said she seemed old enough. Really made me uneasy, with good reason as it turned out (anything with tits was fair game apparently).

I think your DD will be better off, frankly.

As a young adult I waited for my then boyfriend to leave for uni (mature student). It was torture waiting for the inevitable. In hindsight it damaged my mental health more than had he just finished it. Looking back I feel he was cruel, although I’m sure that wasn’t his intention, he was definately not considering my feelings.
At 14 I’m sure she will cope differently, but ending the relationship sooner may benefit them both.

Why can't they continue their friendship? If they are in a relationship that includes sex why are you allowing it? I get that he has changed her life but are you not abdicating responsibility for your DD onto him if you are knowingly letting them continue a sexual relationship just because of this? The law is there for a good reason for this OP and the proof of this is this exact situation.

When will she turn 15?

My DH turned 18 while I was 15 1/2.
Nobody commented on the age gap.

What help is she receiving for her eating disorder and self harm? What has the doctor/PCM/HCP said about this situation?

He's not a "great guy" by the way. He's groomed you too. That's just how abusers operate. Remember your instincts when it started.

This is not comparable to what you did when you were younger. Don't let that cloud your judgement.

Great guys don't target vulnerable young girls. Abusive guys do.

At 14 she feels mature, and having a 17 yo show interest in her will be making her feel special and grown up. I'm sure he'll have told her how mature and grown up she is. However, the reality is there is a huge difference in maturity and life experiences, and it's completely inappropriate. She doesn't have the perspective as a 14 yo to understand this.

It will do so much more harm if it continues. I cannot even begin to describe.

He sounds like a bit of a twat actually. Either he’s in love with her and the age gap doesn’t matter, or it does. Being 15 and 18 is actually better I think than being 14 and 17! It really doesn’t make any difference in terms of grooming / exploitation if that’s what’s happening. I think he’s being massively unfair to her saying somehow suddenly he’ll turn 18 and not want to be with her. What kind of person does that?! I expected this to be about going off to university or something but this is just really odd all round.

Edison:
"This isn't the lovely boy that was seen on social media snogging another girl at a party is it? Or am I confusing you with another poster. "

My thoughts exactly!!
Op is failing her dd if this is the same boy?