I feel sad for DD who is just waiting for heartbreak in 9 months

[elliemillie]

My 14 year old DD has a 17 year old boyfriend. They have been dating since June this year. They are really in love when I see them together. I was really upset when it started as I thought she was too young but it has totally transformed her life. She stopped self harming, hanging out with a pro anorexia group and another that thrived on glamourising self harming

Last night DD told me that boyfriend said he was going to break up with her in 9 months when he turns 18. So she knows this is waiting to happen but loves him too much to leave now.

I feel so sad for her. I am anxious about her mental state in nine months. Part of me wants to tell her to leave now but I am also painfully aware I ghosted a lot of great guys when I was younger because i was scared they will leave me. Which was really horrible for them.

How can I support her?

*Grooming. Child sexual exploitation. The only reason a 17 yo would be involved with a girl so young is because she's easier to control and manipulate. You've said yourself she was incredibly vulnerable already. I sincerely doubt his interest in her is coincidental - it just made her an easier target.

And yes, of course she's happy in the love bombing stage where he's making her feel special and promising her the world. That's the point of it. It gets you to ignore your instincts, which at 14 probably weren't that strong yet anyway.

Now he's testing how successful he's been - "have I tied her to me deeply enough that I can threaten to hurt her without her walking away?" He's got his answer.

This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. You need to gently support her to end it (not all guns blazing telling her what to do), and support her to learn about healthy relationships before she's targeted again.*

Sadly, I completely agree with this. My DD1 (now 9) is similarly vulnerable, suffering from Attachment Disorder and suspected of having PTSD. In her case, it's adoption related. She also has serious issues with eating and I do worry about her developing anorexia or another eating disorder, as she's very skinny yet makes comments about having a big tummy.

What you've described is my worst nightmare for her. There's no way I wouldn't intervene in some way if a near grown man got involved with her at such a vulnerable age.

You need to involve the proper agencies here. Are her teachers aware of this? There will be a counsellor available at school. You should also take her to her GP to make a referral to CAMHS, if you haven't already.

As the mother of a 17 year old boy I would horrified if he was dating a 14 year old, totally inappropriate, you should never have encouraged her to get into ‘dating’ at such a young age.

I think you should be more concerned with why your allowing your daughter to go out with a 17 year old tbh, she's still a child.

It’s young love we have all been through it and it’s hurt us all like hell but it’s a part of growing up. Just let it run it’s course, she may decide to finish it in three months anyway. Even if you tell her to finish it now do you think she would listen?

I think it's a bit of a leap to conclude 'he's an abuser who's groomed her' - he's certainly a bit of an immature lad who is worried that on the stroke of midnight on his 18th birthday people will think he's a paedo and is messing around with a young girl's feelings. So I agree she should be encouraged to see this isn't healthy and to tell him she's not going to see him, as a relationship with a cut-off point is not a relationship, and she needs healthy ones.

OP's DD needs help to see that she can manage without him, and also without self-harming pro-ana 'friends'. Agree school needs to be involved, and perhaps she needs to find social activities where she can make more positive friends.

He is completely messing with her head. Her mental health will be far worse if you let his twisted games continue.

She's just exchanged one addiction - self harming, pro ana, for another, this boy.

If her stopping self harm depends on him, what happens when he leaves? He has an unhealthy amount of power, that to be fair he may not have chosen specifically. But now he is giving the relationship a sell by date that increases his power and your DDs dependence.

She needs to stop the relationship now and have counselling.

Shocked at all the posters saying you should split them up! My DH and I were in the same situation with same age gap (14 and 17 when first dating). My parents weren't thrilled but there were some boundaries in place and we didn't have sex until I was 17. He was and remains a lovely considerate man. An age gap doesn't automatically mean an issue.

For those of you saying ‘he’s doing the right thing’ you are wrong, the right thing would be for him to finish it now, how is staying with her with her knowing he’s going to go in 9 months the right thing?

OP, I think you need to speak to him and tell him to finish it now, you can then support her and get her through the break up, it will be harder in 9 months . I really feel for her, I dated someone older than me when I was 15, I wish my parents had stepped in because it did end badly, although I loved him he was abusive and he was an adult dating a child. Your dd can get support elsewhere, she can’t rely on this boy/man to make her life better, it’s always going to end badly

If he's turning 18 in 9 months then he was only 16 when they started dating, there is nothing weird about a 14yo and a 16yo dating.

I presume by the time he turns 18, she will be 15 and turning 16 shortly after. Planning to break, up with her over a few months is a bit weird.

There were loads of yr10/11 girls dating upper 6th form when I was at school. I really don't understand the problem here.

If they are having sex, and I can guarantee they are even if they deny it, then he is already a rapist in law. She cannot legally consent until 16. He is criminally liable from the age of 10 onwards. Crazy legal position but it's true.

That means that he can be prosecuted and put on the sexual offenders register right now. Turning 18 just potentially increases his prison sentence, and puts him automatically in an adult prison instead of a young offenders institution. They ought to think very carefully about their relationship now, not in 9 months. She has a lot of power over him, as this could potentially destroy his whole life if the police became aware.

I know it's nigh on impossible to force her to do or stop anything, but you need to tell her that if she loves him then she should cool it. Rape isn't the only offence either, there are others such as sexual assault even if there isn't penetrative sex. And I hope to God she is on the pill and using condoms. Have you discussed this with her?

Have you actually talked to him yourself and heard him say this? If so it's time to step in and tell him what is acceptable and what isnt. You have to talk face to face with him now.Protecting her feelings comes before her annoyance of you stepping in

Maybe I am naive but I assumed that a relationship between a 14 year old and a 17 year old would be NON-sexual.

Surely she would be too young and vulnerable for them to be having sex? And isn't it technically illegal? I presume the relationship is more chaste, is it OP?

When will she turn 15? If he cares for her enough, then he can wait until she is 16 before taking things further. I don't think the age gap is necessarily too big to date, but she is too young to consent to sex.

Isn't he being sensible, though? At 18 he'll be an adult having a 'relationship' with a child. But there has to be a gentle, supportive way of dealing with this

He already is an adult.

be honest I think he is doing the right thing. He shouldn't be going out with an underage girl when he is 18

He is already going out with an underage girl.

MN has this idea that under 18 is still a child. It isn't- the law has various ages where rights and responsibilities kick in. A 17 year old having a relationship with a 14 year old isn't a child.

I am guessing OP is not coming back? Ah nevermind.

It's not the age gap that's the issue, so much as he fact that DD now has a sell by date hanging over her that could be very bad for her mental health. Her mental health is clearly not good to start with and this could make it worse. If a relationship will be over in 9 months it is efffectively over now.

Reading OP's back threads I can't see any reference to the boy cheating, but it's clear that OP's STBXH is seriously not mentally well.

I wonder if DD's self harm and ana interests are related to her father's disordered behaviour, and it's interesting that DD has formed this relationship in the period that her parents' relationship is ending.

If I were OP I would focus on sorting DDs mental health out.

Sorry, but I don’t understand the age issue here? I do think it’s become a sad place when a couple in a relationship have to end because the society we live in thinks that every 18+ male is a sexual predator. Why can’t we trust our teens.

I don't know. I had a bit of a messed up childhood and I fell hard for a 17 year old boy when I was 14 - we went out, on and off, until I was 20, and although we were very messed up and codependent I don't think that he was the slightest bit abusive, and I think it did help both of us recover from the MH issues we had stemming from childhood. So you know, IME/IMO, it is possible that this boy is not a scumbag.

Having said that... the 9 months thing is a rotten thing to do, whatever his reasons are. As her mum OP I think what you can do to help is the stuff that PPs have been talking about - help her to find things that will help build her resilience, hobbies, cool stuff that she will like. You sound a bit as though you yourself are a bit in thrall to this boy, like you seem to be seeing his approval of your DD as a bigger thing than it actually is, and I wonder what your own track record on relationships is. You need to get this in proportion. He's a 17 year old boy. He shouldn't be in a position where he can "save" your DD. See if you can't make her so busy with cool stuff that she doesn't have time to think about him.

I would not be happy with my 14 y.o. daughter dating a lad who is nearly 18 tbh.

I think you need to stop it now.

I am not saying the lad is a sexual predator. I just wouldn't be happy. A nearly 4 year age gap of 14 y.o. girl and nearly 18 y.o. lad would worry me.

This man has been a crutch for your dd. At her age it rarely lasts whatever the reason.

I would suggest getting her into some sort of counselling now. It mental health is going to decline over the next few months

Absolutely ridiculous OP. Please get family therapy with your daughter, this will be both supportive and beneficial to you as well. You need to understand that this relationship is far from healthy.

The priority right now is to do anything and everything in your power to salvage and restore your DD's mental health for the the long term.

She needs to be independently mentally healthy right now, strong going through her teenage years and robust and resilient going into adulthood and beyond.

It is her internal world that needs shoring up and fixing so that she can deal effectively with any and ever eventuality that life throws at her.

The boyfriend / relationship sounds like a sticking plaster that has diverted her attention and maybe taken the heat off your obligations - but already you can see it is temporary. A red herring.

He or the relationship is not a trained MH professional expertly and therapeutically working though her issues and building her up.

This is what she needs right now and what you should be focussing on - either individual or family therapy for the long term. Otherwise you will have your DD bouncing from one abusive relationship to another for the rest of her life being hurt and harmed emotionally at every turn.

He may like her a lot, but by telling her this he may have thought that it might stop her investing in him too deeply. If he's having a gap year and then going to uni it's pretty obvious that the relationship isn't going tho last forever. He might just be trying to warn her of this and be trying to put the brakes on a bit.
Personally I'd leave it for a bit but keep preparing her for the fact it's going to run its natural course. In the meantime is try to access help for her other issues. A two pronged attack. It wouldn't hurt to talk to him either just to make sure his thought process is genuine, rather than it being him trying to control her.