I feel sad for DD who is just waiting for heartbreak in 9 months

[elliemillie]

My 14 year old DD has a 17 year old boyfriend. They have been dating since June this year. They are really in love when I see them together. I was really upset when it started as I thought she was too young but it has totally transformed her life. She stopped self harming, hanging out with a pro anorexia group and another that thrived on glamourising self harming

Last night DD told me that boyfriend said he was going to break up with her in 9 months when he turns 18. So she knows this is waiting to happen but loves him too much to leave now.

I feel so sad for her. I am anxious about her mental state in nine months. Part of me wants to tell her to leave now but I am also painfully aware I ghosted a lot of great guys when I was younger because i was scared they will leave me. Which was really horrible for them.

How can I support her?

Tirade you say ? My last post was expressing sympathy. Seriously.

I don’t think the age gap itself is a problem. My first serious bf was 19 when I was 15 and no one thought anything of it. However, first love is intense and all consuming, and when he dumped me because he decided he preferred doing drugs, I was a complete wreck (shitbag did it just before my GCSEs too). It took me years to get over that, and I didn’t have any of the underlying MH issues your daughter has. My worry would be that the next 9 months will be torture for her, knowing that the end is coming. It’s so unhealthy.

I think the only solution is to keep chipping away at your daughter about how her bf is being a complete arse, because I think the only way that this is not going to end with a catastrophic decline to her MH is if SHE takes back the power and ends it, Because she doesn’t want to have the piss taken out of her like she’s doing.

Teenagers are not the most rational of creatures and I’d also be very worried that if they are having sex, she may decide to ‘trap’ him and stop him following through with his plan by getting herself knocked up. Or self harming to get attention from him.

I really feel for you OP, I would just work as hard as you can on bolstering her self esteem. The decision has to come from her, rather than you laying down the law. I think if she does see the light and take her power back this could end up being quite positive for her. It’s going to be a tough gig though, as I was once that teenager who idolised her older bf, and I would have put up with any amount of shit because I loved him so much and didn’t know any better. Good luck.

I don’t see anything wrong with it per se. It’s reasonable of him to stop seeing her when he reaches maturity because of the legal implications (although it’s not like he’s in a great position now either). And it’s kinder to let her know now so she sees it coming. The only thing that is concerning is that she is mentally quite unstable. Arguably she shouldn’t be dating anyone if she isn’t capable of sustaining her own mental well-being. But again, within that context it seems better that he gives her plenty of warning and makes sure that she understands why he is leaving her. Even so, it doesn’t sit well. He really shouldn’t have got mixed up with her in the first place but was probably too you g to understand what he was getting himself into. He seems to have realised all the ways that it could go wrong for him now and this is his best attempt at extricating himself from the situation.

As I said near the beginning, you both need family therapy, not just geared towards DD. The ramifications of this relationship could taint your own relationship with your daughter. She might look back as she matures and ask you why you included (I won't use the word 'encouraged') him when the relationship is abusive, has an unequal power dynamic and he is using her. He has said himself he is using her as he plans to dump her at a time of his own premeditated choosing. You don't want her turning round later on and saying 'why mum? Why did you not do anything in your power to protect me?' Sorry if that sounds manipulative but I think that's where you could be headed.

Blanche I agree she might. A poster above was accusing her parents of exactly that. I go for family therapy with the other two DC. My DD didn't want to join and there is a plan in the future to include her when she is ready or so the therapist tells me.

I think it would be very hard for her to accuse me of encouraging him when she is older, unless reporting him to the police and everything else I did to stop it when it started was encouraging it. You never know. I have read posts on her from people who confessed to being awful teenagers but still blame their parents for their bad choices so she very well might turn round and say that.

I will keep talking about it with her and I will encourage her to break it off now rather than wait for him to do it later.