I feel sad for DD who is just waiting for heartbreak in 9 months

[elliemillie]

My 14 year old DD has a 17 year old boyfriend. They have been dating since June this year. They are really in love when I see them together. I was really upset when it started as I thought she was too young but it has totally transformed her life. She stopped self harming, hanging out with a pro anorexia group and another that thrived on glamourising self harming

Last night DD told me that boyfriend said he was going to break up with her in 9 months when he turns 18. So she knows this is waiting to happen but loves him too much to leave now.

I feel so sad for her. I am anxious about her mental state in nine months. Part of me wants to tell her to leave now but I am also painfully aware I ghosted a lot of great guys when I was younger because i was scared they will leave me. Which was really horrible for them.

How can I support her?

DistanceCall her phone has a tracking device and a keylogger. I still give her some privacy by not looking at everything she writes although I can and do when she is not very communicative and I worry about the self harming starting again. She doesn't know about the keylogger and when I feel she is out of danger I will take it off. But for now I know if she doesn't come home, I can find her and if she gets back into the self harming group I can counter it without letting on I know she is back in touch with them.

I am trying to do a lot more fun things with her. Sadly this includes sucking it up and including her boyfriend too who sheepishly joins in and is uncomfortable the whole time. But at the moment that's all I can do

Yeah I agree with Fairylea on this. He's very much "having his cake and eating it" as the saying goes. A "nice" guy would have either not started the relationship in the first place or continued it indefinitely. This is unfair, especially on a 14 year old. I know of tons of people in their 20s, 30s etc who have these type of arrangements (albeit for different reasons) and even then, I'm sure one party ends up being slightly disappointed at the very least but at 14 (especially with her history of self harm etc), it'll feel soul destroying to her.

I remember being 14 - everything is so intense and every nice "romantic" gesture means x1000 more then, than it actually is. Often, being the one to break up with someone hurts less than being the one getting dumped (even if there's the element of regret and guilt etc. being the one who initiates the break up), the effect on self esteem is FAR less negative that way around, so maybe explain this to her (especially since she has body image issues, self-harm etc. so very likely she has low self-esteem already so best not to worsen it)

Including the boyfriend is not encouraging him by the way. I know some posters will jump on that.
The alternative is that I won't see my daughter all weekend because she will spend it with him which in my opinion is far worse that having him in my sight.

Lightningone yes I agree a nice boy wouldn't have started the relationship in the first place. It doesn't matter she lied about her age. It was still under 16.
I am a bit confused about whether he would have broken up with her if he was 18 and she was 16. And if he would still have started the relationship if he knew from the start she was 14.

I am planning to ask him these questions when I next see him. I am conscious I have made him out to be bad in my head from the start. He is going to break my daughter's heart so he is still bad. But at the same time my daughter also is somehow responsible for the situation because she lied about her age when she first met him. She has often been mistaken for a 16 year old and she plays on it sometimes.

I have nothing but sympathy for you and I know some posters here haven’t exactly been patting you on the back and offering to buy you a drink. You’ve been pretty stalwart. As for your daughter. From what you’ve said and done I think you’ve tried everything any reasonable person can do.

This boyfriend could be a decent guy or a real jerk. Who knows. But she’s a teenage girl. You can never tell them what to do. They’d say black is blue and the World is square to spite you. At this point all you can do is be there for her and be as supportive as you can. But I am genuinely sorry for your predicament.

OP you are have done a lot - engaged the professionals etc. Maybe just KOKO. Keep giving her opportunities to do something physical, in nature, sports, hobbies, cinema etc - even if she doesnt stick with it - its just passing the time and building her esteem brick by brick. It will be slow - but if you keep consistently nurturing her and being the constant in her life you will get there step by step.

Is the bigger picture alcoholism in the family - would going to Al ateen help her.

Maybe do stuff with her where boyfriend cant tag alone (sounds like they are getting too dependent?) - things he isnt interested in or girly stuff.

Well done on getting out of an alcoholic marriage, well done on being on top of all of this.

I think the op is reacting the best way she can given the situation. What she wants to do - her natural instincts are the same as many on here but she's realised that will backfire, and what she has to do to get her dd through this, are very different things. I think she is going about it the right way. Her dd will respond better to loving concern and straightforward communication and persuasion, than taking the hard line and alienating her dd.

I am also interested to know how love would have reacted to her parents taking a harsh line. I bet it wouldn't have worked although I can see why love would like to think it would have saved her.

ok if your putting aside hes not a knob where this kind of age difference does matter...

let her know this has nothing to do with who she is.talk to her.be really gentle and reassuring of her as a person.make her really believe that this doesn't mean she isn't worthy or lovable.it means that this is how he has decided to be so is all on him and not on her as a person.
ask her what she wants to do.does she feel she wants to be with him for now then?if so let her know to embrace evry second of it.
that in life loves come and go and so you have to be happy with the happy bits and then move on slowly and kindly when and if they are over

you've got to focus on her.she obviously has mental health problems and they don't just usually stop like this.it takes working out the problems and where her emotional health has gone to.that doesn't usually become cured by getting a bf.
so are the underlying mental health problems still there which effects her self worth and how she will cope.and how then can you help her.
can you plan what youll do together in 9months.what she will need from you.what you can do as in going out.being together to help her heal.
if she doesn't want to be with him now then support her in ending it and it will still hurt.
what would she tell you if you ask her what to do.ask her what would she tell you...or a friends.

I am trying to do a lot more fun things with her. Sadly this includes sucking it up and including her boyfriend too who sheepishly joins in and is uncomfortable the whole time. But at the moment that's all I can do

That's OK, OP. I don't think the BF is the devil or a potential abuser. He sounds pretty immature himself. The relationship will taper off to its natural end in these nine months. And you are doing the right thing - if your daughter wants to include him, why shouldn't you?

*if hes not a knob.and that the age difference at this age does matter.

At that age, i had the hots for a man in his 20s. My mum knew he encouraged me.
Unbeknown to me, she had an extremely no nonsense conversation behind my back.
All i knew was that he stopped talking to me and touching me. I phoned him he said he was engaged to someone his own age. I was devastated.
I found out what mum did years later.
Tbh, she did the right thing.
The thought of a guy in his 20s letching after my dd makes me feel ill.
Sometimes, a child needs steering and protecting from situations they think they understand but don't.
I suspect it's a little late here, I'm sorry for your predicament and hope she doesn't get pregnant.

With my understanding on what is common knowledge about the effects of social media particularly on girls, I'd be confused and concerned about a therapist who thinks it's more harmful to remove access to what seems like an obvious trigger for self-harm. Really, as someone who as a teen used sex as a self-harm and very unhealthy validation method, I do see some things that are concerning but it's obviously hard to tell from a thread (and I think you are doing far better than what my parents did).

It does seem like a difficult situation that you've been trying to manage OP and YANBU to be sad that this is all going on. Teens are their own kind of challenge and we each have to find how to balance what's best for them with what they will do.

Personally, I may be a harsh mother, but I cut my now-14 year old's personal internet about a year ago (no internet browser access on his phone, has to do everything on a computer connected to the TV, quite limited time) for many reasons and it's worked well for him and our family and will continue for the foreseeable future. Yes, my kids have their own minds and I don't think that will work with everyone - he wasn't strongly attached to social media - but I think a big part of why it did work is we replaced that with things he enjoyed more: he joined a local art club and took up more responsibilities in cadets, he's done various workshops of interest around the city, we got him e-comics and books to read on his phone instead and equipment for costume and prop design which is a big interest of his. I would take another look at the social media (maybe with her focus on good GCSE results, finding and recommending and looking together at some study-focused groups and online places might be useful, I know many social media sites have communities focused on studying) while supporting her to fill her time with other things which you seem to be doing with these fun activities you've described will hopefully progress into her continuing those activities with you when he's gone.

my post was shit now reading back on some of the great responses.ignore me.others are way better at putting what I want to but am crap at writing!
another20 yes.
also I think sometimes if you have hit a brick wall with all you can and are offering what means and someone will remember is you saying whatever they decide you will always AWLWASYbe with them to help and be there for them in any way you can.
because whether your going down a wrong path and cant stop.or don't think your going down one and so wont.you will always kow if and when it goes to pot.there is mum.always there.always loving me.

I wouldn't have oe openly accept my DD dating a 17 year old at 14.

He's going to want a sexual relationship and she's under age.

kateandme I thought your post had great advice, not shit at all.

kateandme I thought that was great advice too. Thanks

So she’s in year 9 and he’s going to be 18 in July so in the upper sixth? That’s horrible. Really icky. Do his mates not take the piss?

FuzzyShadowChatter thankyou! :D I swear I can cure all in my head with what I want to say for people!putting it down just never seems good enough or helpful enough.plus I waffle for England.
elliemillie oh I am glad.

Fuzzy I wish i had tackled social media sooner when they weren't reliant on it. The therapists view was that most of her friends communicated via social media chats rather than calling and texting. Taking that away meant she was out of the loop and felt isolated because she couldnt arrange to hang out or do things after school if these were being done on instagram chats.

For better or worse teenage girls put a lot of weight on their friendships and taking away the social media completely made her anxious and paranoid. Suddenly everyone hated her and was talking about her etc.

The compromise was to put it back on and have her promise not to go on the self harming chats. If I had my own way.....harsh punitive mum will be the default position

Reggie his mates all think she is in year ten. That's what she told them at the beginning. She met him at a party where she was pretending to be older. Yes it's icky

OP, I feel for you, I really do. Having brought up two daughters through this angst ridden period, and having been through a difficult teenagehood myself, I do understand some of your predicament.

It is hard worrying about alienating her, or triggering a spiral of MH, but you can't let this paralyse your parenting duty to her. In the short term, she may hate you for taking a hard line, but you cannot sacrifice her wellbeing (and avoid protecting her) in the longer term to prevent short term pain. Self harming is a cry for help. She needs help. Interventiinsist, not just listening and enabling. I know you will disagree but it needs to be said. I'm not criticising you, you just need to step up and make hard decisions as a parent, rather than tiptoeing around her implicit threat to kick off. She will thank you for it later on.

She needs protecting from this relationship with this man. She is a child. I would get the police back involved and let them be the bad guys and warn the BF off. Call the child protection officer. Some ordinary coppers aren't fully trained in safeguarding.

Then just be there for her to pick up the pieces as I'm sure you will.

There are some posters on here making some harsh assumptions! At the age of 14 I went out with a 17 year old lad who was less mature than me. We went out for a few months, did not have a sexual relationship (kissing was as far as it went) and I dumped him for being boring! Not all males going out with an under 16 are necessarily a paedophile/controlling/abusive.

It's not about being abusive, it's that a 14 yr old is emotionally immature and not ready for an adult relationship, sex and all the responsibility that that brings. A 17 yr old is much older in developmental terms than a 14 yr old

I agree, they're not necessarily being abusive, @Notatallobvious I expect the vast majority are not. But the 14 year old in question is a vulnerable girl with a history of self-harm and anorexia. And the boy sounds as if he's manipulative, telling her he's going to finish with her in 9 months.

There are red flags here, that's all we're saying.

That simply isn't true. Females tend to mature faster in their teenage years and it's very common for them to go out with boys a year or two older for that reason.