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Original poster

I feel sad for DD who is just waiting for heartbreak in 9 months

130 replies

elliemillie · 18/11/2018 08:24

My 14 year old DD has a 17 year old boyfriend. They have been dating since June this year. They are really in love when I see them together. I was really upset when it started as I thought she was too young but it has totally transformed her life. She stopped self harming, hanging out with a pro anorexia group and another that thrived on glamourising self harming

Last night DD told me that boyfriend said he was going to break up with her in 9 months when he turns 18. So she knows this is waiting to happen but loves him too much to leave now.

I feel so sad for her. I am anxious about her mental state in nine months. Part of me wants to tell her to leave now but I am also painfully aware I ghosted a lot of great guys when I was younger because i was scared they will leave me. Which was really horrible for them.

How can I support her?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/11/2018 10:44

Ugh.

What is the matter with you that you are complicit with the idea that this boy has "saved her life"

He's just a 17yo lad. He will pump and dump as many of them do and you are wringing your hands like it is the romance of the century

I suggest you get both you and your daughter into some sort of family therapy...hopefully a counsellor will be able to make you both realise that we are responsible for our own life

bumbother · 18/11/2018 10:49

He's worried that he'll be labelled a paedophile in 9 months time, when he turns 18.

So is he sleeping with her now, thinking it's acceptable?? Confused

category12 · 18/11/2018 10:57

What Anyfucker said.

Instead of wringing your hands, you need to take the opportunity now to get some help and support for your dd.

Member745520 · 18/11/2018 11:04

Not really relevant to the OPs situation but I just want to say my own niece at 13 met and became friends with a lad of 17/18. Later on when she went off to college he was worried she'd meet somebody else and break her relationship with him. She didn't. Fast forward 29yrs and they've been happily married for about the past 18 and are parents to two lovely daughters...

Varying advice for OP on this thread and I can only wish her strength and the best of understanding to guide her DD to a balanced future life. Flowers

FuzzyShadowChatter · 18/11/2018 11:05

The first thing that comes to my mind to support her would be to support and encourage her to expand her social support network by looking into hobby and activity and other groups that might take her time and mind from what is going on with this guy and the other issues she's been dealing with.

Having someone new and personally important around can be very helpful in getting out of destructive habits, it certainly helped me when I was a bit older than your daughter, but as a previous poster said, she was a big part in doing that and her progress shouldn't be pinned to this relationship as that risks the lack of it as a reason to return. Help her find more positive things to continue her growing out of those harmful things may help ease the pain and other negative impacts of what's going on with him and this whole weird '9 months' thing which while I get there may be reasons he is doing it, I would worry the impact on her.

C0untDucku1a · 18/11/2018 11:06

Your daughter needs help now. Before she spirals.

Lost5stone · 18/11/2018 11:16

I don't think he's really worried about being labelled as a paedophile as it's already illegal if they are in a sexual relationship. I think he probably just wants to be able to go out on nights out and sleep around when he is 18. Fair enough but he can't string her along like that

Shambu · 18/11/2018 11:22

He could go out on nights out and 'sleep around' (hate that phrase) now if he wanted to.

I think he may feel like DD is too dependent on him and this is his get out clause.

allhdghd · 18/11/2018 11:22

He is disgusting. He is floating on the edge of the law and trying to be the big man when he turns 18. Meanwhile he is stringing along a vulnerable child. FFS OP. Protect her?

Original poster
elliemillie · 18/11/2018 11:36

Just to clarify a few things....

I didn't encourage her to start dating. When I found out she was dating I was horrified and tried to talk her out of it. However anyone with teenagers know they will do what they will do and I preferred a relationship where she could talk to me about the relationships than hide it.

This boy has never snogged anyone on social media. Must be a different poster.

When my DD met him she told him she was 15. He only found out her real age a couple of weeks ago and told her they had to break up.

She had therapy for the self harm and we still go to CAMHS for therapy for the anorexia. However the therapy didn't work for the self harm much because she was part of a group of teens who were posting their self harm on social media. It was a puzzle for me because it seemed to almost be a competition of who had the most mental health problems. She discharged herself from therapy for the self harm after two sessions. Also the therapists said they couldn't help her and she didn't come across as depressed or anxious. Social service visited once and closed the case after a couple of months.

I contacted the police about grooming when she first introduced him to me. They had a chat with her and did checks on him and told me to call them if she didn't come home and that was the end of that too.

At that point I had to solely rely on open communication with her and guide her the best I can. She is very strong willed and likes to think she is older that she is. Having a alcoholic unemployed dad didnt really helped matters and I think the self harming might be connected to this but CAMHS didn't think so. We seperated in June and the house is calmer and that maybe the reason for the self harm stopping although I also know that her boyfriend has encouraged her to leave the Instagram chats with the self harming posts.

OP posts:
merville · 18/11/2018 11:46

All age gap/appropriateness aside, I wouldn't be letting (though I know it's not as simple as that) my daughter wait around , investing and attaching, to be dumped in 9 months time.

If he feels that way, that's what he has to do .. then too fucking bad, he doesn't get the pleasure of her company (and whatever else he's getting) in the meantime.

Time to reach your daughter to stand up for herself and look out for herself. He should go and not when he decides.

merville · 18/11/2018 11:47

Teach

MysticFlyTrap · 18/11/2018 11:48

I wouldn't feel sad for her but I would be telling her to dump his arse right now.

The reason he wants to dump her in 9 months time isn't because of uni etc, it will be to do with the fact he will be 18 and it will be totally obvious he is a bit of a nonce and by that age it will be obvious to all outsiders.

I don't think someone bordering on 18 should be going any where near someone under 16, it isn't right no matter who came to who first.

Original poster
elliemillie · 18/11/2018 11:51

I think it's interesting that I am coming across as seeing this boy as a saviour. In real life he is convinced I hate him.

I told school about the relationship and her therapist knows too. I think at this point all the adults involved in real life are going down the open communication route. Can you imagine how awful it would be for her if she couldn't even tell me about this? She knows if it all falls apart I will be here for her. Like others have said I am encouraged her to make other friends but the only ones she has are the self harming ones. Three of them have been sectioned and one still managed to come to ours from time to time because she is not high risk. Every time she leaves DD is a bit low afterwards. I really don't want to go back to those self harming days. Maybe my desperation not to go there is coming across as seeing this boy as a saviour. I don't

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/11/2018 11:54

But you are aware they are having sex, right ?

merville · 18/11/2018 11:59

Fkg hell, is there any way of getting her into an activity, experience where shell meet young people who are not self harming?!

Would she be remotely open to any club/sport/activity in your area?

My niece's re in air cadets. I wax into horses and looking after them. What about groups where you do environmental things, litter pick ups etc. Issue into animals, the environment etc.? Crafts?

Lovemusic33 · 18/11/2018 11:59

No woman or girl should rely on a guy being their saviour, it’s not healthy. She’s 14, she should be getting all the support she needs from you and school.

I’m shocked how many people think it’s ok for a 14 year old to be dating an almost 18 year old. My dd is the same age as OP’s dd, she is vunrable and has some mental health issues, no way would I feel comfortable with some lad coming along who’s almost 18 and her relying on him to keep her mental health stable. I work hard with dd to improve her self esteme. She has friends, she has support at school and she has family. Chances are this lad/man is sleeping with your dd, this is why he won’t dump her yet. Sit down and talk to your dd, tell her she doesn’t need this person in her life, he’s going to leave her in a few months so why continue? Why prolong the upset?

merville · 18/11/2018 12:00

Sorry, so many typos!

Original poster
elliemillie · 18/11/2018 12:02

AnyFucker I am pretty sure they are having sex even if she swears they are not. I took her to the GP and explained she was in a sexual relationship. They did tests for STIs and put her on the pill. We have discussed at length consent, not being pressured etc etc. She says they are not but I am was not going to take any chances.
Both the GP and the police didn't do much about the age gap. I expected them to back my horrified stance in the beginning but that's not happened yet.....

OP posts:
Original poster
elliemillie · 18/11/2018 12:08

Lovemusic perhaps you missed all my previous post about telling the police about him etc etc. I am not relying on him to keep my daughter's mental health stable or to save her.

I am sure I can shout that from the roof tops and it would still be ignored on this thread.
He got her out of a self harming group doesn't equal he has saved her.....in nine months he is planning to hurt her. That is not what saviour do.

I am also getting the impression my 14 year old is the only one who has a mind of her own. All the other ones on mumsnet do exactly what their mum's say. Hmm

OP posts:
safetyfreak · 18/11/2018 12:09

I think it's interesting that I am coming across as seeing this boy as a saviour. In real life he is convinced I hate him.

You should re read your original post then.

I would be horrified if my DD in her vulnerability was having sex with an near adult man.

When he is 18, this could be a safeguarding issue.

safetyfreak · 18/11/2018 12:11

I am also getting the impression my 14 year old is the only one who has a mind of her own. All the other ones on mumsnet do exactly what their mum's say

How many 14 year olds have eating disorders? How many are self harming? How many have alcoholic father's? How many have 17 year old boyfriends? How many are having sex with older boys?

Original poster
elliemillie · 18/11/2018 12:12

merville I have tried a lot with the activities but she stops after a couple of weeks. We tried horse riding, circus skills(she used to do competitive gymnastics), diving etc

I have not given up on that yet. But the pull of social media chats is a bit stronger than activities at the moment. She is also obsessed with gettibg straight As in her GCSEs so spends a lot to time studying

OP posts:
allhdghd · 18/11/2018 12:14

am also getting the impression my 14 year old is the only one who has a mind of her own. All the other ones on mumsnet do exactly what their mum's say.

Clearly she does not. She is being taken advantage of and doesn't seem to ah e any idea. He is controlling her. Imagine if you had a partner who said they would split with you in a few months. Get to fuck would be any sensible persons response. Your DD doesn't have the emotional maturity and he knows it. He is showing off his control skills and covering it up as concern when he turns 18z

AnyFucker · 18/11/2018 12:18

She has exchanged one addiction for another. This is not a good thing.

And did you really just imply your daughter has more ability to adequately safeguard herself than any other 14yo

I would respectfully disagree and I would also assume you have been more permissive than is sensible re. her fucked up relationship with an older boy because you were so relieved she was veering away from the self harm influences

I get that.