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Original poster

I feel sad for DD who is just waiting for heartbreak in 9 months

130 replies

elliemillie · 18/11/2018 08:24

My 14 year old DD has a 17 year old boyfriend. They have been dating since June this year. They are really in love when I see them together. I was really upset when it started as I thought she was too young but it has totally transformed her life. She stopped self harming, hanging out with a pro anorexia group and another that thrived on glamourising self harming

Last night DD told me that boyfriend said he was going to break up with her in 9 months when he turns 18. So she knows this is waiting to happen but loves him too much to leave now.

I feel so sad for her. I am anxious about her mental state in nine months. Part of me wants to tell her to leave now but I am also painfully aware I ghosted a lot of great guys when I was younger because i was scared they will leave me. Which was really horrible for them.

How can I support her?

OP posts:
Sweetooth92 · 18/11/2018 12:19

OP I totally empathise with your situation. You basically can’t win. This young lad is someone your DD listens too and respects the opinions of & he has encouraged her to look after herself better and she is in a better place because of this. The worst thing you can do is to close down communication with her and I actually think you’ve handled the situation really well. Yes in 9 months time in the eyes of the law it is wrong but fundamentally that isn’t the issue here for you, it’s that your daughters world is going to fall apart when he leaves her in 9 months time. If it was my DD I’d be feeling just the way you do & wanting to protect her and scared what will come of it when it happens. It may be worth having a chat with him more, does he plan on rekindling the relationship when she’s older, or just closing the door. For me on this occasion I’d not give two fucks about the legalities of the situation but on getting the most amicable and less damaging outcome for your daughter. If she was a couple years older with this age gap no one would give two shits, she’s just at a really awkward age legally & thats hard. Hope your daughter manages to stay well with the disappointment & you both keep on good terms x

897654321abcvrufhfgg · 18/11/2018 12:21

Find these posts really hard asmy parents have a 15 year age gap and met when my mum was 17. They have been married for 40 years in may.

BruegeITheElder · 18/11/2018 12:22

OP I think you're doing the right thing and taking the right approach. Well done.

BruegeITheElder · 18/11/2018 12:25

Two of my best friends are married to men 4 years older. They were 14 and 15 respectively when they first started dating them. And we're only early 30s now so we're hardly talking about decades and decades ago when "times were different".

Lovemusic33 · 18/11/2018 12:26

I didn’t miss your post about telling the police. What do you expect them to do? You are her mother, she’s a child, it’s your responsibility to protect her. Sorry if you think I am wrong but I have been in your daughter position, I am still angry with my parents as they did nothing to protect me, they effectively allowed adult to sleep with their child, a child that self harmed, that lacked confidence, a child that didn’t have a clue that this man was a paedofile ,that he was abusing me. The police will do nothing unless she makes a allegation against him. This lad is going to break your daughters hart, she loves him, why let it continue? Just because you think he is her saviour? You need to be her saviour, you are her mother, no one with mental health issues should rely on a man to make them better.

Original poster
elliemillie · 18/11/2018 12:28

Anyfucker I didn't say she had the ability to safeguard herself.
You also have missed all my posts about steps I have taken to safeguard her with very little success. If everything being said on this thread was true, the police should have locked this boy up when I first told them. The GP instead of putting her on the pill would have called the police because of safeguarding concerns etc etc.

Sadly I have learned the hard way that some teenagers start having sex young. The disappointment that my daughter was one of them was huge. But I also need my daughter alive. We have made a huge leap from where we were with the self harming. If you have a child who self harms safeguarding is always at the back of your mind.

Short of locking her up what other safeguarding would you suggest? The therapists who are working with her haven't come up with a solution yet apart from keeping communication going but I am sure you will have all the answers.

OP posts:
Mouseville65 · 18/11/2018 12:29

Op if it's any consolation I can see clearly in your posts you do not think this relationship is a good thing and you have tried EVERYTHING in your power to protect your DD whilst also keeping a supportive relationship with her.

I honestly read some threads and think the other posters are just looking for someone to berate!

The answer to your OP is that other than being there for her you really Carnt make this any better. I feel for you and your DD but some situations just have to play out xx

Original poster
elliemillie · 18/11/2018 12:34

Lovemusic with all due respwct dobt project your parents failings on to me. I have done everything I physically bar locking her up. But I am curious, in a perfect would what should your parents have done? Would you have listened to them?
When I first reported the boy to the police my daughter stopped talking to me for two weeks and stopped going to school.

At that point I had to explain what was happening to school.

Your thoughts on what your parents could have done practically would be helpful. The blanket statements are not helpful

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 18/11/2018 12:35

I was coming on to tell the OP she has done this all wrong. I also agree with Anyfucker - but wow, rock and hard place or what. I have teenage DDs 15 and 17; with the eldest in the past I feel I was too accommodating, wanting to help her and guide her through relationships. She's only recently told me that the boyfriends she had when she was 14/15 were actually controlling. Well, its not as if I can go back and have another chance to now is it; I almost feel like I facilitated that by allowing her to see them - but the alternative?

I got it wrong so who I am to criticise the OP. But with the benefit of hindsight, I would not be supporting the relationship. I do feel for you OP.

Gwenhwyfar · 18/11/2018 12:36

"If they are having sex, and I can guarantee they are even if they deny it,"

Ha ha. What special powers do you have Bundy?

Rachelover40 · 18/11/2018 12:36

I have no advice, what will be will be, but [flowers[ to you. You're doing your best!

Aworldofmyown · 18/11/2018 12:39

Its difficult because I totally get the 'she's 14 and vulnerable' etc etc

It seems that the OP has done what she can without alienating her DD. When I was 14 I met and started a relationship with a 19 year old, when I was 16 we moved in together. Having since discussed this with my Mum she was very much of the same view as the OP, she would rather be there to support me when it all went south (which it did when I was 19)

I do think you have to try to convince her that ultimately she is worth more than this - easier said than done though.

Aworldofmyown · 18/11/2018 12:41

Oh and fwiw I didn't have sex with my ex until a week before my 16th birthday. Some kids actually don't lie about it!!

Gwenhwyfar · 18/11/2018 12:44

Aworld - seems that OP's daughter is, though from OP's most recent posts, just not saying it out loud. She wouldn't have agreed to the STI test otherwise, would she?

However, I don't see how Bundy could know that for sure until OP said it.

Cakemakeslifebetter · 18/11/2018 12:44

When I was 15, my BF was 18. We had a lovely relationship and I was the one who ended up breaking his heart. Not every 18 year old boy dating someone younger is a groomer Hmm

DistanceCall · 18/11/2018 12:46

Just one question. If your daughter is harmed by social media, why does she have access to social media?

No child dies because they don't get unsupervised access to the Internet.

AnyFucker · 18/11/2018 12:47

....and getting back to the actual situation here

TheFaerieQueene · 18/11/2018 12:48

Just one point, please don’t say ‘put her on the pill’. It smacks of control and appears to remove your daughter’s autonomy. She was prescribed oral contraception.

It sounds like a messy situation. I wouldn’t be happy about a sensitive child of mine dating a 17 year old.

Original poster
elliemillie · 18/11/2018 12:51

DistanceCall I blocked all her social media in the past to stop the self harm chats. Her therapists said it does more harm than good if it's off for more than a couple of hours at a time and made me come across as a harsh punitive mum.

She is the professional I am not. She let's me look to see that she is no longer on the self harming sites but I don't feel able to take it away completely

OP posts:
Original poster
elliemillie · 18/11/2018 12:53

Actually that should read, I am scared Of taking it away completely

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 18/11/2018 12:58

If you can monitor what she does and checks she isn't involved in self-harming shit, that should be OK, I imagine. But please make sure that she doesn't delete her browsing history - teens are usually much more tech-savvy and cunning than their parents.

And of course it's got to do with her alcoholic father. Growing up in an alcoholic household damages any child. NOW she can start to recover.

Unfortunately, I don't think you can do anything about the boyfriend except be there for her. If she already knows he'll be leaving, she's probably preparing herself for it inwardly.

In any case, I think all you can do is make life as good for her as possible (doing fun things, on her own and together with you, make sure that she knows she is loved). Teenage drama is normal - it doesn't mean that it will send her back to anorexia and self-harm. Just be vigilant.

AnyFucker · 18/11/2018 12:58

And there we have it. You are "scared" of the consequences of doing something that actually should be the natural solution.

Parenting teenagers is hard. Their ability to manipulate is bad enough without worries that you may further harm their mental health by taking a stand. I know, I've been there and still going through it.

pinkdelight · 18/11/2018 13:07

I don't think all the berating is very helpful, esp when it comes down to picking on common turns of phrase like 'putting her on the pill'. OP is obviously doing her very best in a tough situation and is either getting stick for taking her daughter's autonomy away or getting stick for giving her daughter too much autonomy. FWIW this doesn't sound from what she's said like the 17yo is some groomer zeroing in on a vulnerable target. Isn't there often a couple of years age gap between boys and girls due to maturity levels and yes, absolutely the DD is underage but let's not idealise and make out every underage DD is the target of grooming. Half my class were happily having underage sex with boys a couple of years older and it wasn't that long ago. Sure I came from a less than delightful area, but that was the reality and the angst around it was much more of the young love/heartbreak type the OP is worried about that all the girls being traumatised victims. Whatever the DD and BF are getting up to, I feel like this is very much an emotional issue and agree the DD is heading for heartbreak. As are almost all first loves and it's huge and horrible and unavoidable however it comes. I agree he should break up with her now rather than string it out, but things are rarely so simple and I don't see how OP could force the issue without driving them closer. All she can do is be there and be supportive and as much as possible try to give the DD other experiences and opportunities to grow beyond this relationship.

pinkdelight · 18/11/2018 13:08

*than all the girls

Original poster
elliemillie · 18/11/2018 13:14

Anyfucker you have a great skill of ignoring anything that doesn't fit into your narrative.
Obviously you glossed over the fact that in the past I wasn't scared and did take social media away till the therapists told me not to.

But don't let me stop your tirade. I realise you don't have anything constructive to add to the conversation, just judgement. So as you were.....

OP posts: