I need some help to break free of an affair

[Perfectpanda11]

That is entirely destructive, not only to my marriage and family, but to my mental health as well (yes, I realise this is where least sympathy lies, but I do wish to be a good mother to my DC and I need to be well mentally to do that). The affair has gone through an intense emotional phase (over the last 1+ years) and now is stripped down to just hooking up for sex really. The other man basically calls the shots, and no part of his character is attractive to me in the least at the moment as he gives me nothing. But typically I yearn for his contact and respond to him and obviously provide him with the ego boost that he wants.

I do not want to add details about my marriage, and my DH at present aside to say that he is aware of some of this. I am also aware of how much hurt I have caused him.

I need to figure out why I am doing this and put a stop to my behaviour. I feel like I am in self-destruct mode. I need to find some respect for my marriage and myself. Please give it to me straight. I am particularly interested in those who have been through similar or who have been in limerence with someone and have managed to break away.

Can I PM you?

Of course you can Badgers.

You've mentioned your family so I'm assuming you have DC.

Please think of them. Not in the "breaking up the family" way. Couples divorce all the time and there's no guarantee that ending the affair will mean a long happy marriage.

But as the child of someone who had an affair...you probably don't want your kids to ever find out what you've been doing. You don't know what damage it may do to their own attitudes towards relationships or to your relationship with them. Many are unaffected but many aren't.

Are you actually happy in your marriage
Affair aside

Children pick up on the unspoken undercurrents. In order to raise healthy, happy adults you will need to sort out your life in order to make it honest and above board. Whether that is ending your marriage, or ending your affair, or having an ethically polyamorous marriage.

Just because things are not spoken aloud does not mean that they don't have an impact emotionally. I would strongly encourage you to think of your DC and how this is affecting them. Really, any honest option is better.

Yes I have DC who I love more than anything. Thank you Dirtybadger, they love their dad and when old enough to understand will not respect me or thank me for what I am doing. You have a very good point, I would not want this to have a damaging effect on their future relationships.

You must treat it like an addiction, with some similarities to quitting smoking or drugs. Expect relapses. Expect and plan for withdrawal symptoms. Go cold turkey and cut out every form of contact you have.

@Holdingonbarely, right now, no, I can't be happy in my marriage, and I feel very lonely. However, the affair is clouding all my perception of my relationship with my DH. I have been happy in the past, and I'm married to a good man.

Are you saying the affair is clouding your perception because that’s what everyone on here expects you to say.

Impo, people don’t have affairs unless they are just downright awful people or they are deeply unhappy.

You need to block and delete and go no contact, but you also need to work out the deep root of why you did this in the first place.
I get the feeling you don’t want to actually be with this man, but wether you want to be with your dh is a whole other thing together.

No, I can't see the wood for the trees at the moment. I don't want to be with OM, and he gives no indication he wants to be with me either.

I don't know what the future is for my marriage.

I am not a bad person I hope, but I am behaving badly to people who love me.

Just bumping up please for some more responses. Thank you in advance.

Aw, your self-awareness will help you. It’s going to be awful facing up to what’s happened but you need to do it.

Read lots of post-affair threads on here and plan your way back. If you are married to a good man, you need to fight for him now.

Google 'affair chemicals'. When you understand the science of forbidden love/chemicals you'll probably feel like when you realised the tooth fairy and Father Christmas weren't real, a bit 'meh'. Basically you're addicted to him and need to wean yourself off him. All very predictable and a bit sad.

Thanks, yes, I have read about affair chemicals and how addictive they can be. I totally agree it is sad and predictable and I never imagined that I would be reduced to this, or indeed that I even had such a selfish and entitled side to my personality .

Why dont you tell your husband everything.
If he suspects it must bd killing him inside.

Yes, it may well blow up in your face but it might just give you the shock you need

Wherearemymarbles yes I could, he already knows it has happened (not the current situation which I am trying to extricate myself from) and that has not been enough to stop me.

I have been in both situations, in my first marriage I had an affair and left (not for the other person) I realised the affair was because I was very unhappy and married far too young (19) . At 28 I had never really had any time from 15 not in a relationship. This time I have been on the receiving end, albeit an emotional one. All I can say is look deep into yourself and work out the ‘why’ as it’s incredibly hurtful to your partner. I did that and hence why I left 18 months later, I knew he would never be right for me but I did care about him and he went on to a very happy marriage with someone totally different to me. I know myself the deceit and sneaking around was a massive intoxicating buzz at the point life felt very flat but it really really isn’t worth it, what I should have been doing was making a new life for myself

You do need to stop seeing the OM, but I don't think that's the bigger issue. You wouldn't be doing this if you were happy in your relationship. The relationship with the OM sounds empty and cold, and yet even that is preferable to nothing for you at the moment. Why is that?
You say that your DH is a good man. That may well be true, but a good man doesn't necessarily mean a good relationship.

Is the OM married? Kids?
You need to look at the hurt you are causing all round and give the decision to your husband. He has a right to know the full extent.

Thank you Dee, I think you've hit the nail on the head. I don't know why I'm happy to accept an empty cold 'non-relationship' where presumably the OM has no respect for me because anytime he clicks his fingers I'm there. It may be because of the physical connection we have, which is unlike anything I've experienced before. It may be because of the emotional connection we had in the past which doesn't particularly exist now. I just don't know.

My DH is a very good man, loyal, but probably not overly open with his emotions towards me. I am not physically attracted to him, and as I said earlier, I am very lonely in our marriage, but I am not sure if this is because I am pushing him out unconsciously or has always been the case.

OM is single. That's at least one less problem.

Block him..
Honestly... That is the only way...
Just keep telling the OM that you can't meet... Then treat yourself to a coffee, or buy something nice say for family tea...
You need to learn an associated reward for saying no, so you feel good about saying no to him...

I was messaging an old ex last yr. It was borderline EA although no current feelings were exchanged really, more harping back to the past etc. Quite quickly he wanted to meet in a hotel but I refused. My marriage was in a terrible state and I couldn't see the wood for the trees.

The only thing that helped was counselling (for my marriage issues) and NC for my ex. I went NC for 3 months and we are in contact very rarely now but it is manageable and I no longer feel it out of control.

If you really want to stop this you need to go NC and seek counselling so you can figure out what made you do this. No judgement from me

My Mum had an affair. I've never forgiven her and think so so much less of her as a person. I love her but I don't like her one bit, because of her lack of regard for how it would impact us and how my Dad suffered.

Thank you all, this is really helpful. Thank you too for the overall lack of judgement, which is something I would have found hard not to do if a friend was in the same situation. It is utterly miserable feeling this deceitful and powerless and I know I need to do something about it.