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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need some help to break free of an affair

128 replies

Perfectpanda11 · 12/11/2018 22:32

That is entirely destructive, not only to my marriage and family, but to my mental health as well (yes, I realise this is where least sympathy lies, but I do wish to be a good mother to my DC and I need to be well mentally to do that). The affair has gone through an intense emotional phase (over the last 1+ years) and now is stripped down to just hooking up for sex really. The other man basically calls the shots, and no part of his character is attractive to me in the least at the moment as he gives me nothing. But typically I yearn for his contact and respond to him and obviously provide him with the ego boost that he wants.

I do not want to add details about my marriage, and my DH at present aside to say that he is aware of some of this. I am also aware of how much hurt I have caused him.

I need to figure out why I am doing this and put a stop to my behaviour. I feel like I am in self-destruct mode. I need to find some respect for my marriage and myself. Please give it to me straight. I am particularly interested in those who have been through similar or who have been in limerence with someone and have managed to break away.

OP posts:
Perfectpanda11 · 25/11/2018 22:50

OP again, rereading this thread and very grateful for those who have taken the time to respond.

I appreciate it sounds like it is all me, me, me. I suppose, generally these situations are. However, this was not a situation I ever wanted to be in, and the reason for posting here was to ask for help.

Codependency sounds very like what is going on, thank you for the book recommendation.

OP posts:
maximumcarnage · 25/11/2018 23:01

I can’t muster a shred of sympathy for you. Only your poor family. I’ve been in your shoes. In fact very recently. I came extremely close to having an affair. I pulled away and took the time to reasses my relationship. Realised I wasn’t happy and left. I hurt her in making this incredibly hard decision but it was the right one. Rather than betray her trust and sneak off for nookie. She would have been devastated by the betrayal. I couldn’t do what you do, fills me with revulsion I almost did.

Iris27 · 25/11/2018 23:03

^^ what great advice 🙄

maximumcarnage · 25/11/2018 23:07

What great advice.

rainbowquack · 02/12/2018 07:39

OP were you able to go NC?

Perfectpanda11 · 02/12/2018 11:13

@rainbowquack, I am definitely almost there. I'm feeling much stronger about doing it than I was when I wrote the OP and much more disillusioned about OM's character.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 02/12/2018 13:20

The only hope you have of unravelling this mess is to stop making excuses and go completely no contact with the other man.

Is this the first time you've cheated?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/12/2018 13:31

PerfectPanda, there is another option here. Find someone else. Somebody who gives you the emotional connections that you need, with whom you can have an easy and honest relationship. That's the end game though. You have to put some work in to get to that...

Putting your children to one side for a minute:

First step - OM. I could (and have) understood the appeal of somebody else. Your OM is single though, has nothing to lose and still he cannot and doesn't give you what you need. He offers you nothing and you grasp that with both hands.

Would you leave your marriage for him if he offered himself to you? I think you might, like a shot - but he won't. He's not invested but very much likes the idea of your investment in him.

Second step - Husband He knows some or all of this. His feelings for you will have changed now, whether you acknowledge that or whether he does or not. They've changed. You are no longer the 'whole' person that he married. Regardless of his faults and transgressions, you won't be able to get that back so, what do you do with this information?

Come clean, make up - get to the bottom of what went wrong with you and what happened to make him hold himself back from you with regard to showing you his emotions and love for you? Possible but only if you and he would want to start anew. Do you? Putting your children aside, would you want HIM again, your husband? Would you be prepared to put in the work to find each other again and want to do so because you see a point to your marriage?

Staying together for the sake of the children is a dreadful thing to do to them. So many parents think they can do this successfully and have little regard for the resultant damage that they cause because far from doing what is best for the children, they were jointly selfish in not letting go of their marriage to become better people and fulfil their obligations (separately) to become the parents they wanted to be for their children. Stay in your marriage if you and your husband genuinely want to be in it for each other - or get out, for the sake of your children.

Assuming that Steps 1 & 2 aren't applicable then:

Step 3 - End your affair - and your marriage - and find somebody with whom you will find all that's lacking
Ending your affair is something that as pp have already said, is like getting rid of an addiction. Difficult yes but not impossible and it doesn't have to have a long lead in time to recovery. You sound a reflective person, I would do that. Invest in a good vibratory (Lelo are very good) and get ride of the OM who gives you nothing.

Ending your marriage starts with discussions with your husband and plans to separate everything that you have together - with custody and housing arrangements for your children added to the mix also. Assuming that he's as good a father as you are a mother, your children will need both of you. Get professional help to bring about a fair ending for you both.

If you're wise then, once your marriage is over and arrangements for the children have settled down, spend time reflecting on what you are as a person, who you are and what you want out of life. Then start doing those things. Do them for the wish to do them, not to find somebody else because to set about finding a partner from desperation means that you will modify your 'list' of ideals to make any partner 'fit'. Don't do that - you deserve someone for whom you are lovable and desirable and worthy of being in a loving partnership with.

We are all capable of unedifying behaviour, every one of us. This behaviour is causing as much damage to you as it is to your family and the associated guilt is an additional burden. You don't need that in your head.

Reading your later posts it sounds as if you're teetering a bit in getting rid of the OM once and for all. What's the worst that could happen? Take charge of you and your life OP and fix this. You can do it. Thanks

Perfectpanda11 · 02/12/2018 18:07

@Closetbeanmuncher yes this is the first time. I'm no serial cheater.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 02/12/2018 18:58

I personally think the best way to proceed is to cut contact with the other man completely.

Second step is to address the problems in the marriage with a clear head.

When you say the sex isnt good with husband is it too 'vanilla' for your taste or is it the way the om makes you feel i.e wanted, sexy etc?

Would you consider couples therapy?

Abi47 · 02/12/2018 21:29

You won't get sympathy from many on here but hopefully others who have been in same situation will reply. It's massively difficult. You need to do something. It can't stay as it is. If can cut contact completely reduce it gradually

Perfectpanda11 · 02/12/2018 21:38

@ LyingWitchInTheWardrobe , thank you for your long and considered reply.

Would you leave your marriage for him if he offered himself to you?
I am 100% sure he wouldn't offer himself to me so that's not a worry. And even if he did, I'm not certain I'd jump either as I know deep down he's not a reliable bet. He represents my freedom if that makes any sense? If my marriage was over, I'd want to live on my own and maybe see him occasionally. It won't happen. He's definitely talking to and seeing others, I am very sure, but he's not said in so many words and I've not felt like I can ask.

Of course DH's feelings for me have changed. He finds it very hard to trust that I am where I am, which is heart breaking. But understandable.

Especially as OM's disinterest is becoming obvious (in my opinion) I more than ever want to end it with him. I will probably need to block him as I don't trust myself to hold strong if he gets in contact. Then will reassess our problems within our marriage clearly.

@Closetbeanmuncher, I don't feel looked at, wanted, definitely not sexy with my DH. We've not had sex in 6 weeks now and I don't miss it. We are cuddly and otherwise fairly affectionate. We have done couples therapy for a little while directly in the aftermath of my DH finding out about the affair. It wasn't greatly helpful, but I'm not sure that mentally either of us were in a place to be responsive to it.

OP posts:
Perfectpanda11 · 02/12/2018 21:39

Sorry @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

OP posts:
Perfectpanda11 · 02/12/2018 21:40

Thank you @Abi47 I know. That is where I am now, contact is being reduced.

OP posts:
dragonsandfairies · 02/12/2018 22:11

The double standards on here are unbelievable.

Had a male posted this and how he couldn't bare to end it he would have been torn to shreds.

Perfrctpanda do you honestly believe you are reducing contact? Just end at lesdtone of your relationships.

I think you should end both and work.out what you want instead of trampling all over your poor DH feelings

Closetbeanmuncher · 02/12/2018 22:28

Although I don't condone what you're doing at all it sounds as if your confidence has taken quite a knock and you were looking for reassurance that you're still desirable etc.

True self esteem however is something that comes from within and if we look to others to provide it then others can also take it away.

Broken record i know but I strongly urge you to completely cut contact with the om for your own health and sanity. As you've said multiple partners are involved on his side there is also much greater risk of STDs.

Have a look into some individual therapy. Treat yourself, change your look, start a new hobby....Build yourself up.

Once these steps have been taken you can decide whether or not this marriage is salvageable and take appropriate steps from there.

Madmozzie · 02/12/2018 22:49

Am perplexed as to why 'contact is being reduced'. Why is it not being ended? This is continuing to be massively disrespectful to your dh, who you say knows about it, you know what you are doing is wrong, yet you are still dragging out contact? How utterly selfish.

MadGentleman · 02/12/2018 23:52

True self esteem however is something that comes from within and if we look to others to provide it then others can also take it away.

This is a very important point. @LyingWitch talks a lot of sense above, however "emotional connections you need" has to be balanced with a bit of internal fortitude too, if your not to keep bouncing from need-provider to need-provider throughout the rest of your life.

No-one should have to suffer an neglectful or abusive partner, but equally we have to bear in mind that we're all human too. We're all fallible. We're all going to disappoint in some fashion. There is no-one on Earth who can give you everything you need, who won't rub you up the wrong way, sometimes at some point. No matter who the partner is, we could find some fault with which to say "on this they don't meet my needs".

The question is, does this entitle you to junk the relationship you have in favour of one with someone else? If the person's hurting you of course it does - most healthy relationships don't involve people doing that. But if its something like "we don't share hobbies" then have a good long think. Most healthy couples don't share hobbies. And even if you meet someone who does, like I said, we're all human. You could trade that for "snores all night" or "boring in bed" instead.

Perfectpanda11 · 03/12/2018 08:37

@Madmozzie, I know how spineless and selfish I sound. However, minimizing contact is the way I feel in control right now, as I cannot block.

OP posts:
hairandgrace · 03/12/2018 10:01

I've fucked everything up (long) www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2831899-i-ve-fucked-everything-up-long

This was my thread. I think you'll find some similarities..

Perfectpanda11 · 03/12/2018 10:23

Thank you @hairandgrace, I've PMed you.

OP posts:
rainbowquack · 03/12/2018 15:17

@hairandgrace what was the outcome of your circumstance? I hope that you were able to sort things out.

hairandgrace · 04/12/2018 11:32

@rainbowquack I've copied and pasted below my message to OP on what the outcome was:
Well I’m out of it most definitely! After the anti depressants kicked in I decided that the only way to make the massive decisions that I needed to was to consider me and me alone. Not DH, not other man. Not even the children (ultimately they needed a happy, functioning mummy and I had to figure out how to get back to that) I’d lost myself by then you see. And I couldn’t focus if I was trying to make everyone else happy.

So I made the decision to leave DH. I luckily had a very supportive family. I ummed and ahhed for ages over it. But I knew that the marriage was a write off for me. I’d broken it beyond repair and furthermore I’d tasted something else, something so lacking in my marriage that I’d nearly destroyed myself to hold on to it. That connection and passion. I swore to myself that my next relationship would have both. I hadn’t realised how important they were to me.

Next I told other man how I felt. Honestly. I’d always played it (reasonably) cool before - I thought if he knew how huge a thing it was for me he’d run for the hills and I’d lose him. So I told him it was killing me. That I couldn’t eat and didn’t recognise myself. That being with him had fucked over every part of my life. That I loved him and even though I could never see us working out long term I wanted him. It was honestly more terrifying than telling my husband. Predictably, although sympathetic he refused to take any responsibility for that. He told me he loved me too. And said he’d told me once many months before and I hadn’t said it back so he’d assumed I wasn’t seriously interested. He had said it but it was during sex and I’d thought it just a heat of the moment thing so had left it. He’d never said it again.

Anyway I left Husband and cut contact with OM. As much as I could - we work at the same place though different departments. Got my own house (rented) sorted out agreement for the kids (50/50 with DH which tbh kills me but is only fair).

6 weeks after doing so OM contacted me. Wanted to go on a date. It honestly took every possible fibre of my being to say no. That it wasn’t the right time for me. Ridiculous as it sounds I was really proud of myself. Another 6 weeks passed. He asked me again. We went for a meal. Something we’d never been able to do. He told me he loved me and he was sorry he’d treated me badly but I was married and he was trying to emotionally safeguard himself. He had no idea how damaging it was for me. He asked if we could give it a try. Going very slowly. I did. We are still together. It’s (shockingly) going amazingly. I keep waiting for it all to come crashing down on me like I deserve but it’s not happened yet.

I would never, ever in a million years think this was how things would work out. DH and I now have an awful relationship but I try my hardest to be fair and civil for the sake of the girls. I took nothing when I left and have signed the house over to him without asking for a penny from it. I’ve never regretted going. But I have wished I’d conducted myself better and I’m so scared of the impact on my girls - although for now, at least, they seem relatively unscathed. The guilt will live with me forever though I think.

Lostthewill80 · 11/02/2019 11:44

Sorry to resurrect this but I was hoping to find out what the outcome was in this situation

Mookatron · 11/02/2019 11:58

I don't have experience of having an affair but reading your posts every time you talk about it you shift responsibility and distance yourself from what you're doing. You talk about 'the affair' and the feelings that 'happen to you' and 'the relationship' but you don't directly say 'he rings me and I make the decision to go and fuck a man who is not my husband'. I'm not being especially judgemental about it but if you want to stop I think the first step is acknowledging that this is not something that's happening to you, it's something you are doing. Something you are deciding to do, every single time.