I need some help to break free of an affair

[Perfectpanda11]

That is entirely destructive, not only to my marriage and family, but to my mental health as well (yes, I realise this is where least sympathy lies, but I do wish to be a good mother to my DC and I need to be well mentally to do that). The affair has gone through an intense emotional phase (over the last 1+ years) and now is stripped down to just hooking up for sex really. The other man basically calls the shots, and no part of his character is attractive to me in the least at the moment as he gives me nothing. But typically I yearn for his contact and respond to him and obviously provide him with the ego boost that he wants.

I do not want to add details about my marriage, and my DH at present aside to say that he is aware of some of this. I am also aware of how much hurt I have caused him.

I need to figure out why I am doing this and put a stop to my behaviour. I feel like I am in self-destruct mode. I need to find some respect for my marriage and myself. Please give it to me straight. I am particularly interested in those who have been through similar or who have been in limerence with someone and have managed to break away.

OP - I presume your unhappiness with H precedes you affair?
Is that true?

So - your anxiety and depression isn’t about the sex you are having with the other man.
It’s about the breakdown of our relationship. Which is a sad situation.
The other man is just a distraction and your way of coping.
He isn’t the cause.

Yes, I agree, although you can also interpret what I said as I can't be myself with my husband which is true as well.

Does he not understand you? .................

For the few on here who have said that they can't forgive their parent for having an affair- that is really sad. I have been in the same situation and felt sad for both my parents- the one who had been cheated on, and the cheater. Their marriage was obviously broken before any cheating happened, and I think about how desperately unhappy the cheater must have been to have done that.

I did forgive my father actually but finding out about his affair at 15 years old I was not mature or wise enough to work out the whys and rightly so, I shouldn’t have had to even deal with that. I went on to forgive my dad and we had a lovely happy relationship

@Jsku, I was going through the motions and hadn't registered I was particularly unfulfilled or unhappy before the affair, which I think is easy to do as a mother and wife when you put everyone else's needs before your own. I know this sounds like the typical "rewriting history to justify my affair" but I don't know how else to put it.

@Perfectpanda11

Don’t apologise. It happens all the time. And many of my friends are in exactly the same boat.
Kids come around, for several years while they are small they need us so much, on such a basic physical level - that we totally forget about outselves....

And then when they grow up a bit, we come up for air. And wake up. Feeling not quite dead.
And things we ignored for years come into focus....

MN’s advice is to keep ignoring them for the sake of marriage.
I am not convinced.

Please don't assume to know the circumstances of my parent's break up.

My Mother cheated on my Father many times.

She wasn't desperately unhappy but she made my father near suicidal.

I can't believe the excusing people are doing on this thread.

If you're that desperately unhappy in a relationship then have the decency and kindness to leave not fuck other people.

MN’s advice is to keep ignoring them for the sake of marriage.

Is it, please tell me where this is???

I think the main advice is to not lie and cheat, either put the effort into your marriage or get out, it's that simple.

I can't believe the excusing people are doing on this thread.

If you're that desperately unhappy in a relationship then have the decency and kindness to leave not fuck other people.

Exactly, the OP is literally reciting "the script" for people here but because she's a woman people are gushing over her like she's the injured party, you couldn't make it up!

You do know what to do you just choose not to and it’s purely selfishness that drives your affair.

Stop wittering on about chemicals and affair fog - you are minimising and making excuses for your behaviour...as for the word 'affair', that's also a sop.

You are fucking a man outside your marriage. Breaking vows and choosing to hurt your family. Making yourself ill.

Stop dicking about and make a grown up decision - either leave the marriage or cut off OM. It really is that simple.

Then get to a sexual health clinic because you have no clue who else the OM os fucking and condoms don't protect you from 100% of STDs.

It's like playground talk on this thread; I got married, I got bored, the sex became mundane so I am now having sex on the side with OM; I feel entitled though, society tells me I can't have cake, my bits on the side, it's so unfair, it's normal to want to lie, cheat, deceive, not just to your partner, but also your children.

Get to fuck, when you get married, you take an oath to remain faithful, if you want to not be faithful any more, extract yourself from said relationship and go fuck about as much as you want, you are not hurting anyone and you are not glued to the marriage either, you have choices.

Adora10, Weezol, Trinity66, thank you. I take on your points and agree I am reciting the typical script. Making a decision sounds simple but hasn't been up until now, hence posting here. I am not saying that because I want to have my cake and eat it, nor do I feel entitled, as this is not making me happy in the slightest, but because I do not want to make the decision to uproot my DCs lives.

1 and a half years it's been going on OP, sorry but saying you don't want to uproot your DCs life is a joke, you've been living a lie for a year and a half! Your DH has already found out about it, yet, you are still carrying it on, knowing full well you have hurt him already, but yeah you keep telling yourself you are doing nothing about the situation for the sake of your family.

Because it’s never about sex...
Affairs are often, but not always, happen because sex got mundane...

More often than not, young people marry, life happens, good and bad things go on, relationships evolve. People change. Often feelings change too.
And after kids come around - things become even more complicated.....

I know that Jski, still doesn't give any human the right to have sex with someone else whilst in a relationship where the innocent person knows nothing about it.

The adulterer does nothing about it because they want the convenience of their family set up, they might want to still hold on to the spouse and they are not entirely sure the affair would lead to anything; this affair is clearly based on nothing but the OM getting a shag whenever he snaps his fingers.

Tell you what OP, don't be surprised, whilst you are having your sexual meet ups that your DH is not in fact indulging in some extra marital fun himself.

Adora you sound so bitter..

Why should we scream at an unhappy woman...
She has said she knows it is wrong. And would like things to change...

I just think this is so sad.

Some ludicrous advice on this thread, such as being treated for love addiction. You deserve to be happy, OP. You don't need any excuses to leave someone if you are not happy, married or not. I say leave them both and find someone you can be satisfied and fulfilled with. Life is too short to waste.

You make it sound like people get married just to make sure their spouse is not having sex with someone else....
🤷🏻‍♀️

Life isn’t black and white. Affairs happen. Some actually help marriages go on and survive.

OP is equally using the other man.
It doesn’t have to mean that the marriage needs to end.

Plenty of women close their eyes to their H’s extramarital adventures and focus on the rest of what family is - not only sex....

Issue here is - that it’s NOT about sex. OP is unhappy with her H. Lonely in the marriage.
And having a kid makes it much harder to just leave.

Why should we scream at an unhappy woman...

It's not about screaming at an unhappy woman, it's about being honest and saying, cheating on someone is wrong and really really hurtful. If she's unhappy with her DH she should leave, not cheat and lie, the poor guy. However unhappy the OP is, surely the injured party here is her husband who is being hurt and betrayed over and over?

Does calling it an "adventure" make it better Jsku? It'd be the last adventure my DH ever had if he it I can tell you :p

*Adora you sound so bitter..

Why should we scream at an unhappy woman...
She has said she knows it is wrong. And would like things to change...

I just think this is so sad.*

Bitter, no, just do not agree with shitting on people, esp those you purport to love, esp for a year and a half. Who is screaming, I'm actually giving her bloody good advice, if you disagree, I couldn't care less.

You feel sad? Ok then.

Can you imagine a post saying:

Why should we scream at an unhappy man....

Nah, me neither.

@Trinity66

It doesn’t matter what one calls it.
I am just saying marriages come in different shapes and forms. And many variations exist.
People stay together after affairs, or chose to close their eyes - if - other than sex - other aspects of relationships work.
Some married couples don’t even have sex - and don’t ask each other questions....

But it seems - in OP’s case - bad sex with her H - ISNT the only issue.
That’s all

Jsku hhhmmm I don't know, adventure makes it sound like an exciting journey and something positive......which I'm sure it is for the one doing the fucking around...not so much for the one sat at home being lied to though