I need some help to break free of an affair

[Perfectpanda11]

That is entirely destructive, not only to my marriage and family, but to my mental health as well (yes, I realise this is where least sympathy lies, but I do wish to be a good mother to my DC and I need to be well mentally to do that). The affair has gone through an intense emotional phase (over the last 1+ years) and now is stripped down to just hooking up for sex really. The other man basically calls the shots, and no part of his character is attractive to me in the least at the moment as he gives me nothing. But typically I yearn for his contact and respond to him and obviously provide him with the ego boost that he wants.

I do not want to add details about my marriage, and my DH at present aside to say that he is aware of some of this. I am also aware of how much hurt I have caused him.

I need to figure out why I am doing this and put a stop to my behaviour. I feel like I am in self-destruct mode. I need to find some respect for my marriage and myself. Please give it to me straight. I am particularly interested in those who have been through similar or who have been in limerence with someone and have managed to break away.

You say you so not like what your doing, but obviously it is more than the love you have for your DC and DH to carry on doing it.
You have no excuse really, no one is forcing you to do anything - you are making the choices. By saying that you need help to stop your behaviour , your trying to confuse where the blame lies. Take responsibility for your own behaviour.

I think when I had an affair OP, I was in self destruct mode too, I wanted there to be a ‘reason’ for it all to go wrong, not just a ‘not in love with you anymore DH’ kind of reason to break up. I think as women when we marry and have kids we are conditioned not to split unless there is a gargantuan ‘reason’

@Redbus1030 thank you!

I do generally agree with you that forgiveness is the better road. Maybe I should practice what I preach. You've given me something to think about!

Personally I’d prefer all the misery truth can throw at me than any happiness that is based on deceit and deviousness.
OP - you are discovering that the enjoyment of your affair isn’t enough to blot out the misery of who you have become. Like the addict that lies and steals from all those close to them.
And I strongly suspect your DH would be absolutely devastated to know you are unable to be your self with him sexually and need to find that authentic feeling with someone else. That itself would end most marriages. So your marriage is over. You are just depriving your DH of an authentic life - which is cruel beyond words.
I’d also guess that your DH would rather learn the truth and have the choice of dealing with what’s real and the chance of recovery than giving more years to trusting you in complete ignorance.

So - if you want advice on how to find authentic happiness - just live truthfully! Tell your DH what’s going on for you - and you may feel very differenty toward him when he is no longer your cuckhold. He will also be free to make decisions about you about his family and his life too.
He might prefer to explore other relationships too? You can be free to discover what you need to about OM - who probably is just using you.( Il guess that it’s just that You can’t seem to hurt him and it makes him adorable.)
And you may discover that truth sets you all free to find happiness.

I remember wanting to feel alive, attractive and powerful. In hindsight I was anything but these things! I was screaming inside and yet nobody heard.

In my experience the OM needs to go now. It will hurt like hell and I mean hurt like nothing else but IF you have any chance of stopping this that is how.

If you carry on you will loose your family and hurt them all irrevocably in the process. You may not fancy your DH but have some self respect and stop being used by some who couldn't care less about you. You will be one of many op. You will be replaced in weeks.

The decision is honestly yours and how you behave from now on is your responsibility and yours alone. I'm sorry to be harder but you need to wake up and smell the coffee op. This is not a game.

It's perfectly ok to admit you no longer fancy your DH even if he is a good man. What you are doing to him is horrible and if he finds out you will destroy him and your decision will be made for you. He will leave you. How do you feel about ripping your children's family apart, the fighting, lies and hurt can all be avoided. Just stop it. Make the decision that you go no contact and seek some counseling because you need it. Your self worth should not come from a seedy sexual relationship. It should come from the respect you have for you. You don't get that from others you build it from within yourself!

Continue and you will destroy your DH. You will destroy your children and you will destroy yourself. This is so much more than just an affair op. It's your dignity, respect and future everything you are gambling with. Every time you speak to the OM you risk losing everything.

Imagine having to look your DH and DC in the eyes and admitting to what you've done. Seeing the hurt, hate and devastation in their eyes and tears all caused by you wanting to feel good. Then you'd be going back to a cold, empty, rented flat on your own. You don't go back from something like this, you can only go forward.

Now try and justify what your doing. It shouldn't be as easy as it was when you first posted! Because the reality of it all crumbling down infront of you is not attractive or sexy neither does it make you feel alive. It kills you to your very core.

Wake up OP and stop being used and abused by this OM at the future detriment of your husband and babies.

@Dadaist, @Wouldyouorshouldyou thank you, your posts were painful to read . Screaming inside is exactly how I feel most days. Wouldyou, have you been in a similar situation?

perfectpanda I do not see one hint from you that you want to end this . You talk about not wanting to hurt your family but it seems to me as if all you want to do is talk on here about you and this man /the sex blah blah ....you need to stop seeing him and stop all contact with him if you want not to hurt your family as you say .

@Wouldyouorshouldyou

Do you know that most affairs - even those discovered - do not end in divorce? And often they serve as a catalyst for changing something that doesn’t work in the relationship...

That picture you painted of OP being responsible for everyone else’s happiness and destroying it for all - this is exactly why women stay so so long in relationships that make them miserable...
They stay - and ‘work on it’ because they are made to feel responsible for others and don’t think they matter. They have sex, when they don’t want to - to preserve the marriage they don’t want to be in.
It’s sad. And not terribly fair.

And everybody keeps fixating on the sex she had with another man.
While the most important issue is that she isn’t happy in her marriage. And - seems to have fallen out of love/lust with her H.
And that bit - unhappiness and falling out of love - is what would make her H unhappy, most of all.

As to the rest - people get divorced. People fall out of love.
It’s sad. But it happens

Perfectpanda yes I have. Im sorry it hurt and was hard to read but from someone who has been through similar it was utter and complete hell but I only recognise that once I was out of the affair. Despite what other posters believe of my post my DH and I remained together because I found after many months of separation, couples counseling and years of personal counselling that the reasons I did what I did were far deeper than not finding my DH attractive anymore. I do not advocate staying in an unhappy marriage if it's unfixable but I do advocate leaving a relationship in the least destructive way and not keeping a partner hanging on as a fall back. That really is horribly selfish.

DH and I have worked incredibly hard to find out what each of us want. At the moment it's each other. This may not last, who knows what the future holds but I will never do what I did again to anyone.

This is not the case for everyone who does what we did but at least I'm no longer taking him for granted and using up his time by faking a marriage when he could have been off being loved and loving another. Life is short. How dare we waste another's time for our own fallback plan. That is nasty. I can say that because a long time that's exactly what I did.

Wouldyou - thank you for your honesty- that’s really enlightening. I’m glad you and your DH both had something left for each other.

@Jsku - you seem to be arguing against things no one has actually said.
No one has said you should stay married and miserable-no one!

What they have explained (but what seems to escape you) is that it’s NOT okay to cheat on someone, to deceive them and lie to them, while pretending to love them. It’s also NOT okay to betray them or break the vows you made to them to be faithful.
And you absolutely can’t fix the problems that can arise in any marriage while you are actively pursuing and extramarital relationship.

What kills the relationship post the affair is that the trust is broken - it’s not sexual jealousy - it’s the loss of trust. Which is why when someone confesses the day after they’ve been unfaithful, the chances of staying together are higher than when someone is finally unmasked after years of lies, carefully and deliberately deceiving the person that trusted them most in the world.
The alternative to not doing that is not staying in a loveless marriage!

OP - I genuinely think that your current marriage cannot continue. You can confess and start a new marriage to your DH - based on truth. It may mean that you seperate - it may even means that he also has affairs, and you have an open relationship, or you may come up with any other genuine relationship to ensure you can co-parent your children amicably.

You can want to save a marriage to someone you have cheated on - once you’ve reflected on the significance of what it means to have strayed. You can’t stay married to someone you are cheating on - it’s just endless cake eating and will make everyone pretty sick in the end.

Panda, it really is that simple. It really is a yes or no.
Either stop contact with OM or not. Take responsibility for yourself and your choices.

Can I PM you?

All this talking and thinking about some bloke who's not even bothered about you.

Just leave him alone. Plan to go no contact and then just do it. What on earth is the point of waiting on him clicking his fingers? It's a shit way to live

I read about a woman once who was in a similar situation. She had hypnotherapy to get over her feelings/limerence for this man. She also took natural antidepressants, I can't remember which ones maybe St Johns wort. All in the lead up to no contact.

She said she was desperate to break free and had to strengthen hierself first. So she resolved to do something about it, and this is what worked for her

It's a case of trying, isn't it? If you really want things to change, that is.

You are metaphorically crawling to this man, and that is so very sad. Imagine if your children knew that. How must your husband feel, knowing that his wife is there for another man to use and discard as and when he feels?

Your self-esteem must be on the floor, you need to wake up stop umming and ahhing and do the right thing.

I mean I can't imagine that this OM is going to stay with you for life anyway is he, so you're going to have to get used to being without him at some time

I'm feeling really sorry for the H TBH.

Here's a question:

Is your previously undiagnosed unhappiness actually your husband's fault?

Because getting a kick from a shiny, new illicit shag could cure a multitude of ills.

You've got small kids yeah? I'd be surprised if there were many parents who didn't feel ground down dealing with small kids. I know I don't and I'm a male coparent! You know what would have lifted my spirits and made me feel sexier, more alive and like I was before we had them? Shagging a 20-something intern who got a crush on me.

You know why I didn't? Because that would have been an incredibly crappy and disrespectful thing to do to my then-wife.

Do you know why I didn't leave her so I could shag said 20-something intern and thus get my "emotional needs" (ie. ego boost) met? Because I realised it was nothing to do with her. We were both in the crappy small kids phase of life. We were both feeling down. And I realised all I was doing was hankering after an easy pick-me-up (those "New Relationship Feelings" a previous poster referred to).

"Ohno! My hard-working spouse can't provide me with sparkles like shiny new sexy honey can! Obvs. I have changed and we are no longer meant to be!"

Give me a break.

Now I don't know your marriage, true. It could be things were bad. But please... everyone saying it's down to the husband not making her happy. Please, please think. People get depressed for lots of reasons. Sometimes the reason isn't the spouse. I know people who did blame their partner, left and found it solved absolutely nothing. After years of introspection they realised it was a hole within themselves.

Where do you draw the line?

Just realised @Wouldyoushouldyou made a similar point in a much more succinct way.

Basically: everything she said.

I was going to recommend reading some of Esther Perel's work and see Jsku has recommended the state of affairs. Her other book mating in captivity is also excellent. She also has a podcast and website and her Ted Talk is worth watching. You will work this out OP. My advice would be to look at your marriage and leave if you are unhappy in it. As others have said, it happens everyday and you have a duty to your children to be happy, because a happy parent is a better parent and children are very attuned to unhappiness and conflict around them. X

You also need to go cold turkey on OM, he's using you and probably thinks you're a bit pathetic. I know that sounds harsh, but I also know what it's like to be someone's no strings booty call when you're feeling crap about yourself, it's soul destroying

Thank you all who have taken the time to reply. I take it all on board, and as MadGentleman and possibly a few others have said, it is possible that I am unfairly blaming the state of my marriage for my addiction to the excitement and thrills of being with the OM. The only way I can get some clarity on it and what my next steps should be is to go NC. Wouldyou your experience was good to read about.

My self esteem has previously been great, so god knows how I have got to this point.

Oh dear..it's all a bit Me, Me, Me isn't it. It's not really enough to say that you can't help it blah, blah..you are in a committed relationship with your Husband, now if that has hit a boring patch then you have to communicate and find a solution...not simply bang someone else to massage your ego. Never mind the kids what about your Husband? Do you think he's as bored as you, I'll wager that he is and you going off and shagging someone else will deep down be a blow to HIS self esteem. You say he's a good man well does he deserve this or you in fact..? Harsh but you have to take responsibility for your actions. Stop thinking 'I' start thinking 'We'....Marriages hit low points, kids come along, the sex slips, the butterflies feeling goes, it gets boring ...It happens. I'm married 20 years and we've chosen couples counselling to set us back on track..we're communicating again. Try it...What would happen if he turned round to you and said pack your bags I'm done....He may even be thinking of a kind way to tell you. Think of that.

Hi op, I’ve not read the thread so sorry if this has been mentioned already, but you need to work on codependency. Your “ addiction “ to a man you don’t even like is classic codependency. A good place to start isa book called” Facing Love Addiction “ , but ultimately you’ll need to work with a therapist who has experience with codependency.

It takes some work, but you can get through it x

You sound like me OP. Except two months ago OM ended it (by text - how nice). The last two months have been hellish, I have never known emotional pain like it. I had no idea of the impact it would have on me and I feel as if the rug has been completely pulled out from under my feet.

I am not saying this to try to garner sympathy for myself as it is my own fault. I am just trying to warn you that if OM ends it, the loss of control and withdrawal of whatever you are getting from him (be that sex, an emotional prop, the seeing yourself in a different light, whatever) on his terms only, may be as devastating for you as it has been for me and if you add to that the realisation that he probably doesn't even care then it is very, very painful. If you end it on your terms then it at least gives you back a bit of control.

I don't know what the answer is long term. For me I think the part of myself that had become un-buried is going to have to be put back again. But if OM clicked his fingers I would crawl over broken glass to him and I truly do not understand what I have become.

Wishing you strength and luck x

It is very me me me. A man would be ripped to shreds if he came on here and said similar. Pathetic.