I need some help to break free of an affair

[Perfectpanda11]

That is entirely destructive, not only to my marriage and family, but to my mental health as well (yes, I realise this is where least sympathy lies, but I do wish to be a good mother to my DC and I need to be well mentally to do that). The affair has gone through an intense emotional phase (over the last 1+ years) and now is stripped down to just hooking up for sex really. The other man basically calls the shots, and no part of his character is attractive to me in the least at the moment as he gives me nothing. But typically I yearn for his contact and respond to him and obviously provide him with the ego boost that he wants.

I do not want to add details about my marriage, and my DH at present aside to say that he is aware of some of this. I am also aware of how much hurt I have caused him.

I need to figure out why I am doing this and put a stop to my behaviour. I feel like I am in self-destruct mode. I need to find some respect for my marriage and myself. Please give it to me straight. I am particularly interested in those who have been through similar or who have been in limerence with someone and have managed to break away.

Just an idea - for strategies apart from anything - you could go along to SLAA meetings.

You may not be a bona fide love or sex addict but you currently are in the grip of an addiction along those lines. You won't meet a bunch of sleazeballs either, you'll meet ordinary - great! - people. Which breaks the shame. And meeting others who do the same stuff can break the excitement and isolation of an affair.

SLAA

Why is it always the same here on MN -

• feelings for spouses are feelings, but if there are feelings for the other people - they are ‘affair fog’, or chemicals, or limerance
• feelings for spouses can’t ever change, or you are an awful person
• marriages must always be preserved as it’s best for kids

OP - you aren’t unhappy with your H. You aren’t attracted to him.
Staying with him and making yorself unhappy isn’t the best thing you can do for your child.
Which one of us would have liked our parents staying together and being unhappy for US?
I certainly would not have liked it.

Issue here isn’t the affair. But your unhappiness at the marriage.
Your relationship with the other man - is a separate, less important issue.
Start at the core. Figure it out.
You living a miserable life as part of a couple will create as many (or more) issues for your DC later on - as divorce.
There is not magical solution.
But also - divorce isn’t the end of the world.
Happens. People move on and adjust.

@Jsku, thank you for giving a different perspective. I am reluctant to leave the marriage just because of the lack of attraction with my DH because am I not unfairly comparing it with my attraction for the OM that is massive and mindblowing, makes me weak at the knees every time, i.e., quite possibly unrealistic and unsustainable.

There is more going on than not feeling attracted to my DH, but nothing that seems major enough to leave the marriage for. Although maybe I need to focus on my behaviour which is making me so unhappy, and the reasons for this are possibly my unhappiness at my marriage.

But to the OM you are a booty call.
He is using you for free sexy...
While your addicted to him... He is using you, bet he is sleeping around as well. So what are you going to do when he gives you a STD...

Oh yes, I'm a very easy booty call. I know.

OP - of course there is more than just the lack of attraction, there always is.
And as to it not being fair comparing the attractions to H and OM...
Why not?

One should feel it’s their obligation to be attracted (and want/have) sex with a spouse just because you married them.
And more over - one doesn't lose attraction because someone more beautiful/sexy/handsome walked by...
That happens - sometimes naturally, sometimes for various issues in a relationship.

All I am saying - as much as you came here talking about the OM - your issues are closer to home.
Once you figure out what you want and if your marriage can be fixed to make you happy - the other issues will get resolved.

OH hunny, I said that not to be cruel, but because your worth so much more...

Find away to resist. You have so many things to sort and he is using you.

You do know what to do you just choose not to and it’s purely selfishness that drives your affair.

Not rocket science OP, you either stop it and concentrate on your marriage or become single but you want your cake and are just the same as all the other cheats, a cheating woman is as bad as a cheating man yet on here the woman gets more sympathy, not from me I’m afraid. Just hope your daughter never finds out what you are doing because she’ll never forget or have the same respect for you, and all this for a jump cos the OM doesn’t even like you, he just uses you for a shag, wake up time.

@mummmy2017

Again - another MN stereotype. Men use women for sex... Women give it to men...

OP - there is no shame in wanting and having sex. And enjoying it.
If anything - he is YOUR booty call. He is giving you something you are missing - the physical side of it, but an important too.

Sex doesn’t always have to be a candlelit romantic event. Sometimes sex can be just sex.
And now that you know you have it in you - that drive, that desire, etc - don’t settle for less.
You’ll miss feeling this alive, if you force yourself to supress it.

Thank you @Adora10 and mummmy2017, I wanted some hard truths. Why am I choosing something that is making me so bloody miserable though?

@Jsku, yes he makes me feel so alive when I am with him. I am hyper aware and have discovered that I have a sex drive. Giving him up would mean giving that up.

Have you had some counselling?
You need to get the root cause here.
You are self-sobataging and there must be reasons for that.
Why do you think you don't deserve the best?
Could depression be at play here?
Have you looked into Bipolar?

OP - he and your H aren’t the only men on earth, you know.....

And - sex is for many people a foundation of a relationship. Once that goes - (assuming both people are healthy, etc) - relationship starts to slowly crumble.
People often try to hold on - for the children, life style, or other reasons.
Doesn’t work well. One can hold on and live miserably. But why.

Because you’re enjoying it OP but then feel shit cos you know you’re doing a shitty thing. You won’t be able to improve your marriage whilst having sex with OM. I’d advise counselling with your husband to try get that spark back you married him for good reason no? I can’t believe some twat on here encouraging you to get your hole at the expense of destroying your family and their feelings.

I can't be the person I am sexually with the OM with my husband. I don't know why but I can't. It is a very powerful draw.

@hellsbellsmelons oh I am definitely depressed. I've lost a lot of weight to the point where my family are concerned, because my anxiety is so high as well. But I think that is because of the situation and my general unhappiness.

While you are having the affair, you cannot evaluate your marriage and give it the attention it deserves, whether you want to continue it or not. You need to go cold turkey. The ideal time to do this is on a family break, preferably somewhere where you don't have easy access to the internet. It will feel awful for a few weeks, but get better every day.

Then, as a separate issue you need to look at your marriage, talk to your DH and get relationship counselling, if you want to carry on.

I think - the reason you feel bad - and the reason so many marriages fail is that these days we expect all our need - emotional, physical, happiness, friendship etc - fulfilled by the One and Only...
And your H isn’t being that, and you found somebody else who gives you what you some of what you are missing.
But the voice inside - the society, and everybody’s expectations is telling you it’s wrong.

There is a good book by Esthel Perel - The State of the Affairs...
Or look her up on YouTube.

Affairs are wrong, nothing to do with society or a voice from afar, you have to lie and deceive to carry out an affair this long, what’s ok about that? My dad had an affair and I can tell you OP when I found out I hated him for years, he shattered all my dreams of my parents, assume you daughter is young and if she finds out I can guarantee she’ll be traumatised by it. You must have had good sex to marry your husband no? Just because it’s wained doesn’t mean you can’t get back to that place again.

I can't be the person I am sexually with the OM with my husband. I don't know why but I can't. It is a very powerful draw.

If you were a man saying that about your wife on here, you would be crucified. I can't believe people are actually being sympathetic towards you in all honesty

Agree Trinny, If male he’d be desecrated on here, talk about two faced, ignorance at its finest

Sorry Trinity

I think you are confusing what polyamorous people call 'New Relationship Energy' with what you have with your husband. Your husband will never be a new person that you are getting to know again, in the first flush of excitement. Similarly (as I think you know in your heart of hearts) that initial excitement is just that -- not lasting or permanent, a bit of an illusion, a fog.

When you say that you are in self-destruct mode, what do you mean?

Yes, I agree, although you can also interpret what I said as I can't be myself with my husband which is true as well.

Self-destruct, meaning I am struggling to cope with my behaviour and I am in a vicious cycle where I am repeating it because I have crossed the boundaries already. I seem to have no control over my actions / impulses where he is concerned which is a very dangerous situation to be in.