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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for Spook 3

413 replies

ponygirl · 28/08/2004 21:33

Here it is!

OP posts:
sobernow · 04/09/2004 08:51

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anorak · 04/09/2004 09:33

Hear hear sobernow.

spook · 04/09/2004 09:42

Good morning everyone. Dear me I feel like shit this morning. I daren't even tell you how much I drank and smoked last night. Phew-can't deal with many more nights like that one.
I spoke to my friend at great length last night. She was absolutely in bits. She'd called my DH immediatly and had an absolutely huge row. She says she probably won't dspeak to him ever again. I forgive her-nothing to forgive really. She was going through exactly what I'm going through now (though her marraige survived) and was very drunk and vulnerable.I have a nasty feeling I was actually pregnant at the time. But she didn't know me so well then-I just know she would never ever do that to me now. She says it is the biggest regret of her life.
I think we all know who the baddy is here. It was sheer bloody evil nasty vindictive spite that he dropped all those fucking hints. To end my friendship coz he's jealous,to stop me going to London and to hurt everyone else around him like I think he's hurting.
Thank God I'm stronger than that. I won't let this destroy me and my friendship and friends daughters are far more important to me than him.

anorak · 04/09/2004 09:56

Spook, I'm so relieved you feel that way. I went up to bed last night after posting and told dh of what had happened. We both agreed that although your friend should never have done what she did, it sounded as if she had found out the hard way how mean h can be, and that is what made her support you so well. We also thought it very spiteful of him to tell you, at this stage you would definitely have been better off not knowing, but he is obviously desperate to try and cause dissent between you and your friend and botch up your chances of moving to London. You are quite right not to let him!

What he has done is to clear up any misconceptions you may have had about him - the fact is he is an habitual cheat, and on top of that he is trying to make out that that is your fault. Wash your hands of him.

I think it's both intelligent and very gracious of your to forgive your friend, and once again demonstrates how sensitive you are to another person's perspective - you are totally opposite to the way your h is trying to portray you.

tigermoth · 04/09/2004 10:02

Quick message of support - I don't know all the backgroud but see you've had to learn some painful truths, spook. Sorry life is so S*.

Glad you could talk so honestly to your friend. Also glad you can see the facts for what they really are and are using the new knowledge to make you stronger.

spook · 04/09/2004 11:36

Have found an old diary. I was 6 months pregnant.

Original poster
ponygirl · 04/09/2004 11:37

Hear, hear anorak!

Well done, Spook. I'm so impressed with how you've handled this and seen straight to the heart of the matter. You've saved an important friendship and your h has been exposed as a nasty piece of work. Onwards and upwards!

OP posts:
kalex · 04/09/2004 11:44

Spook, what a horrible horrible man. Does he really think that this makes him look better!!!

My divorce came through about 6 months ago, and after that my Exh BF phoned me and told me that ExH had an affair whilst I was pregnant with DD, the reason that my marriage ended was he has an affair that I discovered when I was pregnant with DS.

Although I was totally over it, (the marriage) I was Devastated, and didn't really understand why, and then I realised that it was because I realised that it was bacause the whole life we had led together had been a complete sham on his part, .

However you do get over it, but it takes time.

He is a SHIT SHIT SHIT. You are the better person, you are a really lovely, considerate person. Take strength from the Mner's and your lovley boys. HUGS

ripley · 04/09/2004 18:09

Oh spook, I really feel for you. I don't know if I could forgive a friend who did that to me. I hope you distance yourself from him further after this. What a w*ker. How could a man do that to his wife in the later stages of pregnancy. Wasn't he concerned for your's or your son's health when he was sleeping with somebody else? If disrespected you that much when you were carrying his own child then he truly is a despicable b**tard who deserves to be taken to the cleaners.

He sounds like he is in serious denial by reading his email. My dh's mum did some awful things to him when he was a kid, but now later on in life she has 'forgotten' the really bad things and changed things in her own head so that she justify to herself how wrong she was. That email seemed exactly the same in conviction. Take care.

anorak · 05/09/2004 15:17

Spook, just checking in. I know Beety is worried about you too. How are things?

I won't be on here long but I'll be around for a chat tomorrow. xxx

sykes · 05/09/2004 16:32

Hi, Spook, haven't posted on here for a while but have been looking in. Am so sorry, you must be in shock, hope you can get as much support as possible.

spook · 05/09/2004 17:53

Hi Sykes. How nice to hear from you. Am in shock. Feel like did at beginning. Numb,lookimg in on someone elses life. Waiting for fallout and worried about boys.

spook · 05/09/2004 18:00

Starting to get some weird feelings toward my friend. After initial shock and forgiveness something else has sneaked in and I'm not sure I like it or want it.
Also she told DH on Fri night that if he was any kind of a man he would come straight round here and deal with the fallout because she wasn't sure my boys would have a mum next morning. Then yesterday my other best friend couldn't reach me and went into blind panic. She actually picked up phone and called him-for first time in 6 months and asked him if he'd seen me or know where I was. he didn't even get in touch about that. he has done this deed and walked away. Having absolutely no idea of the devastation and pain he has caused.

Beetroot · 05/09/2004 18:04

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anorak · 05/09/2004 18:06

DH - no surprises there then . As for your weird feelings towards your friend, don't you think that's perfectly natural? Your logic tells you to forgive, but your emotions need time to adjust. You have just taken a direct hit and it will take a little time for you to feel normal with your friend again. It seems to me that it will all be worth it in the end. I've got a feeling that she is so sorry that she will bend over backwards to protect your emotions in the future.

spook · 05/09/2004 19:10

Hi Beety,hi anorak. I can't really do anything about London till I have a financial settlement. I was going to London to be close to my friend and her family and set up a business with her. I just can't work out how I feel about anything right now. All I do know is that he was trying to destroy our friendship because A: he was jealous and B: to make me change my mind about going to London and start my new life with her heavily involved. If I don't do it he'll have won. I really need to get my head round this one.

spook · 05/09/2004 19:13

He's like HUrricane fucking Frances. Gathers speed,goes in for the kill devastating all in his wake. Then he slows down to Force 2 and then WHAM. Picks up speed and before you know it your roof is off. Fucking bastard (sorry language appalling I know)

MummyToSteven · 05/09/2004 20:31

Language fully justified Spook. Think you would be a superhuman of gandhi type nature if you didn't feel any ambiguity towards your friend. Also bear in mind as well that you are going thru a "grief" process for what you thought about your marriage, and that anger is all a healthy part of that process before you move out of the other side. Your DH strikes me as an at out and out louse to put it mildly. You need to let the dust settle first on your feelings towards your friend/DH after this revelation before you can work through whether you want to go to London or not - you need to go because it will be good for you/your boys, not for any other reason.

take care

spook · 05/09/2004 21:27

Hi Mummytosteven and thankyou. Out and out louse is certainly the most polite description of my DH I've heard for a few days! Was going to London for a new start,job,home,life. he has succsfully managed to shake up my core belief in everything and doubt my whole life yet again. Just don't know who to trust,where to go, what to do. This one will take a bit of time I realise.

JuniperDewdrop · 05/09/2004 21:40

Oh no spook I just got back from Scarborough today and read the email.
I'll be praying tonight that you get some answers as u must be in bits trying to work out what to do?
Did you have any niggling doubts before this or do you think maybe you've been so sad that you can't think straight? Is there any way you can postpone for a while until you can see clearer?

sobernow · 05/09/2004 21:43

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spook · 06/09/2004 07:51

Text message came in at 1 O Clock this morning....
"I am so sorry for what I've put you through,I feel so bad,I am so sorry.Please kiss my boys.I have ruined everything for everyone"
Crikey.

Beetroot · 06/09/2004 07:58

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Beetroot · 06/09/2004 07:59

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spook · 06/09/2004 08:09

My thoughts exactly Beety. Actually without the asterisks. Maudlin late night misery. Like I give a shit.