Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP struggling with my children

304 replies

trytrytrytry · 02/11/2018 19:09

DP and I have been together 6 months. We have spent a lot of time together without my children (9 and 7, 9yo has ASD), and the two of us get on really well. He has met my children a few times, and in the few hours that they have been together in the past they have all got in fine.

However, we are spending a few days away together, and he is clearly struggling. He doesn’t have children of his own, and he is getting really short with mine. They aren’t naughty, but they do make mistakes, and they do do stuff without thinking about the consequences (stepping in puddles that then splash other people, for example). A lot of his interactions with them are negative, and it feels like he is telling them off all the time.

I don’t know how to help with this. I understand that it must be hard for him to suddenly develop parenting skills when he isn’t used to it, but he is usually such a calm, gentle man, and this is a side of him I haven’t seen before.

Help!

OP posts:
frothy · 04/11/2018 14:20

Where is he supposed to get the experience of kids if he doesn't have them?  Poor guy

PerverseConverse · 04/11/2018 14:26

@Alwayscheerful sunk costs fallacy ?

Mangoo · 04/11/2018 14:49

I think this is a tough one. I think from the examples given it's a bit of a leap to suggest the bloke is abusive...

Sorry but to me, what he said about the puddle or not disturbing his neighbours is perfectly reasonable. Not what I would consider 'telling off' anyway.

You're in his house with children he barely knows and does not yet know how to handle. That would be a lot for anyone. Of course he's going to be confused/ acting differently. He's not a parent & he hasn't been around your children enough to learn from your behavior yet either.

Some people would probably hate me here because my DP has children and I would absolutely tell them not to do x y or z in our home. I would do the same if a friend's child came to visit. To me you don't have to be a parent to politely ask a child not to do something when they are misbehaving. What happened to all this 'it takes a village' stuff we see all the time on here?

Perhaps you're just not compatible, your parenting styles are clearly different and that's okay to admit . It doesn't mean he's awful or abusive or will be a shit father. I think some posters here need to cut the guy some slack.

Mangoo · 04/11/2018 14:50

And I don't understand why he should thank you for getting up with your kids? I've been with DP a while now and he is still the one who wakes up with the kids in the morning most of the time. He doesn't expect a thank you... They are his children Hmm

Alwayscheerful · 04/11/2018 14:51

Thanks yes that was it, oh how I wish my younger self had understood that phrase. The fear of wasting all the time that has already passed means we continue to waste more time.

Mangoo · 04/11/2018 14:52

And being at the zoo with children who you don't feel you have some form of responsibility for or have to go home with later on is very different.

He just sounds overwhelmed to me.

Original poster
trytrytrytry · 04/11/2018 20:20

I’m not sure what’s going on but he’s pretty unhappy about something tonight

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 04/11/2018 21:04

Honestly. It could be that the penny has dropped and he's realising that this isn't working.

You should sit down and ask him how he feels and what you want to do moving forward.

Original poster
trytrytrytry · 04/11/2018 21:08

Yep, that wouldn’t surprise me at all.

I’ve asked him what’s up. He won’t tell me.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 04/11/2018 21:19

Are you still at his? I'd have made my excuses and left after the zoo. Of course he's not happy. He's spent the weekend with children he doesn't like and a girlfriend he doesn't respect. He's not happy, you're not happy, and your poor kids aren't happy either. Why the hell are you still there?!

Original poster
trytrytrytry · 04/11/2018 21:21

We are heading back tomorrow. I don’t drive so can’t get home.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 04/11/2018 21:27

I was in that position too at my ex's house and felt very trapped. Would hevhave tsken you home if you'd asked?

OliviaStabler · 05/11/2018 07:11

He's spent the weekend with children he doesn't like and a girlfriend he doesn't respect.

I don't think that is true. He spent a weekend with children whose behaviour he has come to realise is not what he expects from well behaved children and his girlfriend who he can't understand because she lets her children splash him and not tell them off etc.

fontofnoknowledge · 05/11/2018 08:37

I agree with Olivia . I am trying to understand exactly what this guy (who has absolutely no previous experience of children) has done wrong ! It's his first time with children at close quarters and it sounds as though there is a lot of excuses being made for bad behaviour.
I also have a son with a diagnosis of moderate/severe autism. He attends a specialist school. Poor behaviour is not tolerated by me and his teachers regardless of SN/NT status. It's simply not acceptable.

Also pretty horrified by the general consensus that children should dictate your relationship. Of course they have an input but you also need to consider if he is being reasonable. Just because he is stating a fact. (Splashing puddles etc ) is annoying ! Then why does this mean he is a controlling abuser ?

Really concerned how MN seems to search for ANY reason for a mother not to pursue a relationship. It's like a bloody martyrs cult ! .

OP. Go home. Settle down. Decide wether YOU like him. If you do then just take it slowly. At least 6 months of visits. No overnights when kids are there. Day trips but no stay overs. If they (and by consequence you) are not happy then end it.
But don't end a relationship you are enjoying because he has no experience with children - without giving him a chance.

MissyEmRain · 05/11/2018 08:55

@fontofnoknowledge that’s the best advice I’ve read on here

Taylor22 · 05/11/2018 09:05

100% agree with you @fontofnoknowledge

The way this guy has been vilified is disgusting. I wonder what his version of events and the behaviour displayed would be.

StarsHollow123 · 05/11/2018 09:06

I feel utterly confused reading this thread.

I have always been of the position that kids come first when meeting a new partner. However, from the examples you've given your kids were being loud in his home so he was concerned about annoying he neighbours and your kids were splashing him in puddles and he asked them to stop.

My main question is why on earth didn't you intervene and deal with your kids behaviour on these occasions?

I have my own DC and I like children. However, if a parent allowed their kid to misbehave, and it was impacting me, I would ask them to stop.

You say he's being really nice with other children you're at the zoo with. Have you wondered whether it may be because of how they are behaving/how they are being patented?

I suggested you be fair to this guy and have a chat about it. Explain why you parent the way you do. But also be open to learning about the impact your kids have on other people and how that can make them respond. You may find it's simply a case of incompatible approaches to parenting in which case it's better to know now than in 5yrs.

Original poster
trytrytrytry · 05/11/2018 11:51

I guess it’s hard to paint an accurate picture of the weekend in a few posts.

font that was a great post, thank you. When it’s just the two of us, it’s lovely. And yes maybe I had too high an expectation of what the weekend would be like when he has so little experience of children, particularly ones in his home.

There is an issue of him telling the children off for stuff they are doing to me that doesn’t bother me. For example, my ASD son likes to lay on top of me. That’s fine with me. Occasionally he gets into an awkward position, and I might adjust him, or calmly ask him to adjust himself. On one occasion over the weekend, after the conversation we had had about it being me who should discipline the children, DS1 was on top of me and I asked him to move, and before he had the chance to move, DP shouted for DS to move, “DS, your mum asked you to move, come on!”. It’s not his battle to have. Yes, I might have been uncomfortable, but I can tell my own children what I need them to do. I don’t need him to do it for me (especially when it might not be warranted). He did it on a couple of other occasions too. Maybe it just takes time to adjust that I don’t need him to protect me, and it needs to be me that sorts out issues with the kids and not him, especially when they don’t involve him.

Anyway, we are heading home today. He hasn’t mentioned whatever the issue was last night, so I don’t know what happens from here.

OP posts:
Gingerivy · 05/11/2018 11:56

DS1 was on top of me and I asked him to move, and before he had the chance to move, DP shouted for DS to move, “DS, your mum asked you to move, come on!”. It’s not his battle to have.

He shouted at your DS in this situation? Seriously, this is ridiculous. And as you point out his did it on a couple other occasions, I stand firm in my comment that if it were me, he'd be history.

If he is already shouting at your children, it's not going to get better.

MistressDeeCee · 05/11/2018 12:14

DS1 was on top of me and I asked him to move, and before he had the chance to move, DP shouted for DS to move, “DS, your mum asked you to move, come on!”. It’s not his battle to have

Exactly. What's it to him? Shouting, as if this is a big scenario anyway. can't stand shouty people they're just as noisy as everyone else they complain about

I wouldn't listen to the "cock before children" people on here who seem to think it's all about the man, and you keeping your children nice and quiet and pleasant at all times around him.

Mums know that children aren't perfect. That doesn't always equate to being noisy, sometimes it's just boisterous. You know... They are children, not adults. & children are not robots

I certainly don't think your children should be an experiment for your DP in learning how to cope with children. Why should they, and what about their feelings anyway, faced with Mr Shouty just landed in their lives?

He doesn't need to be a dad to your kids he can just be your boyfriend. I'd be put off by the shouting and intervening however.

Get on with your life raising your children and if you still want to be with him keep them separate from him, that's all. You've only been together a few months there's not anything in your post I even suggest that you two are a long-term couple in the making.

PerverseConverse · 05/11/2018 12:15

"I don’t know what happens from here."

What happens is you put your children first. Why are you so afraid to do that and make a decision that protects them from this situation? For me there'd be no question of continuing this relationship. You aren't compatible and the more you write, the more stressful the situation sounds.

What happened last night? Was he sulking? In a mood? Not talking to you? You said something obviously wasn't right but he refused to say what it was. That happened to me and I was told on here that it was manipulative behaviour and not to put up with it.

You sound so desperate to keep this man and let him call the shots that you are losing sight of what your children and you need.

TheStoic · 05/11/2018 12:19

He’s backing off. Don’t chase him. He’s doing you all a favour.

Orchiddingme · 05/11/2018 12:24

I don't think he's necessarily abusive, but he doesn't enjoy being with the children. It's that simple. He isn't having a fun time with the family and he can't relax around them. This will mean all future family weekends or days out or meals around the table will consist of him saying negative things, you being on eggshells or trying to intervene, and the kids behaving worse (on purpose as they know when there's tension!)

I don't think he's actually done that much wrong- he met someone he liked, he's tried to integrate with the family, he's not said anything truly terrible, but it isn't working and it's not going to change.

I realise you are sad about this as you really like him, but you must know deep down that you aren't going to become the happy family unit you would like.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/11/2018 12:36

He's not a parent. He's not used to kids full stop, let alone kids with ASD.

What is he supposed to do? Suddenly magic up experience? Have you explained how to deal with the kids?

After only 6 months, I think you're putting him in a really difficult situation and he can't win either way.

It's difficult because I was the opposite with my ex and his kids as I didn't see it as my place to discipline them, but he then accused me of 'not engaging' with them. So six of one half a dozen of the other i guess.

I think you might need to chalk this one up to experience, or just date him when the kids aren't around if that's a possibility. You can just flick a switch and have a happy little family unit. Sorry.

TwistedStitch · 05/11/2018 12:36

But don't end a relationship you are enjoying because he has no experience with children - without giving him a chance

I don't get this advice. Surely 6 months in, no ties or commitments, is the perfect time to end things. Persevering with a relationship when it is already clear that there is a conflict around the children and mismatch in expectations is a surefire way to end up in a few years with the kind of thread we see in stepparenting or relationships- blended family gone wrong, everybody miserable and kids walking on eggshells. It's perfectly sensible to end a relationship in these circumstances and nothing to do with being a martyr.