DP struggling with my children

[trytrytrytry]

DP and I have been together 6 months. We have spent a lot of time together without my children (9 and 7, 9yo has ASD), and the two of us get on really well. He has met my children a few times, and in the few hours that they have been together in the past they have all got in fine.

However, we are spending a few days away together, and he is clearly struggling. He doesn’t have children of his own, and he is getting really short with mine. They aren’t naughty, but they do make mistakes, and they do do stuff without thinking about the consequences (stepping in puddles that then splash other people, for example). A lot of his interactions with them are negative, and it feels like he is telling them off all the time.

I don’t know how to help with this. I understand that it must be hard for him to suddenly develop parenting skills when he isn’t used to it, but he is usually such a calm, gentle man, and this is a side of him I haven’t seen before.

Help!

Yes it must be very upsetting for you that his attitude changed so much once you had moved in. You must have felt like you had been duped. One good thing about the OP's weekend is that he is showing her his attitude very early on, so she can make an informed decision going forward.

I’m devastated frankly. OP has a chance to keep things casual and not entangle her life with him

MissyEmRain yes OP could keep her life with him and her kids separate but it's hard to fathom the attraction to someone who has made clear he doesn't like her kids. If a man showed disrespect like he has then he'd be history.
My advice to you both is the same and I've posted on your thread too. Leave 

I think you've probably thrown him in with too much time with them way too quick. Parents are used to children's behaviour but everybody else needs time to get used to it.

I hadn't spent too much time with my DP's kids before we moved as their mum had moved them 200 miles away, and was massively naive.

The first couple of months were horrific. I had no idea what to do, where my line was, was extremely tired (youngest still woke at least 4 times through the night) and felt like my partner was constantly judging me - he would either say I had disciplined wrong or be annoyed that I hadn't parented so it felt like no winning. I would sit in my car for as long as possible on Fridays our weekends, nip out for milk for an hour or so at a time and cry after they'd got in the car to go home. If I hadn't made such a big change to be with him I would probably have left at that point.

I love them now and they are probably more keen on me than their Dad half the time but it took some serious adjustment. People forget they've had the time to adjust from them being babies to toddlers to children and gotten used to the relentlessness of it. Stick to just a few hours here and there for as long as possible so he and the children have a chance to adjust.

Why does the OP need to give him time?
It makes me wonder how many of these posters have themselves subjected their kids to crappy partners and are trying to normalise it.

I can't speak for anyone else here, but that certainly doesn't apply to me. I suggested the OP give him time because it takes time to get to know new people, whether they're children or adults. Of course, if the OP has an overriding bad instinct about all this, she should trust that, but objectively I don't think this guy is necessarily a bad apple just because he's not got off on a good footing (and nor did I excuse any of that in my post, haven't RTFT so don't know what others have said).

Stepparenting is tough. Is it really so outrageous to suggest it might take someone a while to get used to it/find out whether or not they are cut out from it? (and before any more conclusions are jumped to, yes I'm a stepparent, and no, I've never been mean to my stepdaughter, nor would I ever say it's OK for someone to be mean to a child.)

I also think you could learn a lesson from all this and look at your own parenting style and make some changes. It’s not okay to allow your children to continue jumping in puddles and getting people wet just because you don’t agree on punishing them, or because you like to focus on the positives

They weren't continually doing it - they did it once!

Point taken that it's worth looking at my own parenting, I'll take that on board. But trying to get the balance between adequate discipline and preventing meltdowns is a fucking hard one.

Point taken that it's worth looking at my own parenting, I'll take that on board. But trying to get the balance between adequate discipline and preventing meltdowns is a fucking hard one

A thousand times yes but as you said, it’s a balance not a complete cave in and never calling out the child when they’ve been thoughtless or naughty. They cope with that in the interaction with all other adults in charge of them without being damaged. There’s a big difference between being being positive, nurturing and encouraging and being a pushover and bringing up children with no resilience.

I don't think there's much doubt that you've overreacted to his perfectly reasonable and normal response to the puddle splashing, and expecting to be thanked for getting up with your own kids who he barely knows was taking the piss. But you're right to be bothered that he stuck his oar in when DS was lying on you. Bad call there by him.

It is, as you say, about balance. That takes a lot of time, and for this reason I stand by my comment that you were unwise to all go and stay at his together so quickly. If you're going to attempt to pursue the relationship further, I wouldn't be doing that again.

Six month is such early days - I don't understand a lot of the advice on here - surely that's just way too soon to be involving the children at all (especilly given their young ages).

I'd say take a big step back and keep the children out of the relationship until when / if it gets more serious.

No way on earth would I have someone who I'd only lnown for six months anywhere near my children in a situation where they're involved in any parenting-type activity (e.g. telling off).

but it's hard to fathom the attraction to someone who has made clear he doesn't like her kids.

It sounds like what he doesn't approve of is their behaviour not them per se.

I wonder at what point it is best to introduce a new partner then?

I mean, surely if it's left too long, and you find that partner and children don't get on at all, it's all been a bit of a waste of time?

I think six months is fine. A long weekend at his place is too much though. It would have been easier on your territory too.

I don't think it's the introduction that was the problem, it was all going and spending the weekend there.

The issue is NOT the introducing. It's the fact that you went from 'having met them for a few hours, to STAYING IN HIS HOME for 3 DAYS !!!

There needs to be a build up. He comes over, once a week when they are there for a few hours. THEN GOES HOME. Then IF that went ok, then he comes over a couple of times a week after, say a month.. and if THAT goes ok then maybe he stays over in three months time and stays for a weekend... and so on...

Then at ANY point in that process you can decide if it's working for you, the kids and him. (He May well decide it's not for him).

The point is that you control the speed , and you remain in control of what's right for your family.

But to take them to HIS space for three days when they don't know him was never going to go well.

This has to be completely under your direction. Only you know if your children are going to be ok with it and if you are ok with him.

It might work - it might not. You just don't know at the moment.

The reason I wouldn’t give this man time is because of the damage the time could potentially do to the DC with his negativity, only for him and OP to part ways anyway. I also wouldn’t give him time because he has not been able to discuss his irritations and reactions quietly with the OP and does it directly to the DC. Even if OP could learn some parenting lessons, the way to achieve this is not by directly criticising/yelling at the DC in front of her face making her upset and anxious about it. It is the way he has gone about this which concerned me about his intentions. If OP doesn’t feel heard and considered, and doesn’t feel her DC are considered then why should she change her parenting to make him happy? What was clear from OP’s posts is that he isn’t getting a balance of fun or getting to know them he is just getting annoyed. If he doesn’t find any ways to communicate with them, doesn’t find them fun, doesn’t interact with them other than to criticise then it’s a big risk to take to continue to put them together.

I cannot dispute that any childless partner needs time to grow into their role and childrens lives. With guidance and communication I am sure where is a way. Blended families can be complicated but they should also be fun and respectful at the same time - both ways. DP isn’t respecting how this is making OP feel which is evident.

I think six months to a year is about right to start introducing them - but only as a getting to know each other and having fun together thing, not expecting help with them or in any kind of parental role.

It is not unusual to parent in this way either OP. I always feel really cross when people have a fully rational explanation as to why they do things their way, and then someone tells them it is wrong. The wrong way to parent is abuse. The right way to parent is love and respect. If someone chooses calm and rational over stern and strict that is completely and utterly their decision and it is really wrong for other mothers to berate you for it let alone a childless man. This is why women are seen as weak because they value compassion and emotional well-being over respecting your elders/doing as told. Obviously if your DC never sleep are feral and eat cheese all day that’s not going to be good for them but that is not the issue here

He should be the one treading on eggshells in this situation, not your children.

No one should be treading on egg shells. !

If it's not working. It stops. It's not rocket science. But You just cant possibly know anything after 3 days in a strangers house. !

Are you home now op? When are you seeing him next?

Yes, we are home.

He hasn't talked about what is wrong, and he's switched his phone off now, so who knows.

He's switched off his phone? Is that normal? Is it because he is at work?

I would seriously leave him to make the next move, don't 'chase' him.

I mean, surely if it's left too long, and you find that partner and children don't get on at all, it's all been a bit of a waste of time?

It depends what you want.

I know I couldn’t live with my boyfriend’s children. I have no intention of doing so. It doesn’t mean he and I should stop seeing each other.

Op i have another thread on here atm as I am taking steps to leave. A big part of that is because my dp’s reactions to my young daughter (and also to me if I disagree with him) have really deteriorated. He leaves everything to me (your post about getting up early with the kids while he stays in bed is my LIFE now) but he always wants to tell her off if she is “acting out”. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell him he’s gone too far, or to leave it/pick battles, or to leave it to me- he keeps doing it and I feel constantly on edge when we are together not to mention the fact that he now uses this as a reason to be angry at me because I am still resisting his desire to control.
These are red flags!! Leave before you move in together, get engaged, before your dc get attached. Men like this want CONTROL over children and women, and it will become a flash-point. I feel like I’m living in a world of emotional abuse now and I’ve protected dd as best as I can up til now but it’s time to leave as I can tell she will end up as anxious as me and he WONT change. He sees “co parenting” as his right, but all it means to him is “discipline”. He has no idea how to behave and I should have shut down those notions of his when we were first together but I thought he genuinely could love my dd. I just don’t think he can or will. I am getting out- please don’t ignore these signs!!

This really jumped out at me.

"He told me that he would discipline them if, for example, one of them ran into the road."

It's not the situation that grabbed my attention it's the fact that he had to find a chink of weakness in what you were saying to over rule you and say that YES in fact I will do/say what I like to your children.

Everyone would have a reaction to a child running into a road whether its relief/anger/shock/fear, but he saw that as a get out from doing what you asked him to do.....i.e. not discipline your children.

Over stepping someones boundaries tend to start with tiny baby steps and that's one right there.