DP struggling with my children

[trytrytrytry]

DP and I have been together 6 months. We have spent a lot of time together without my children (9 and 7, 9yo has ASD), and the two of us get on really well. He has met my children a few times, and in the few hours that they have been together in the past they have all got in fine.

However, we are spending a few days away together, and he is clearly struggling. He doesn’t have children of his own, and he is getting really short with mine. They aren’t naughty, but they do make mistakes, and they do do stuff without thinking about the consequences (stepping in puddles that then splash other people, for example). A lot of his interactions with them are negative, and it feels like he is telling them off all the time.

I don’t know how to help with this. I understand that it must be hard for him to suddenly develop parenting skills when he isn’t used to it, but he is usually such a calm, gentle man, and this is a side of him I haven’t seen before.

Help!

If I didn't like the way my DP was with my kids then surely it's game over?

Forget working on it, letting him learn, letting him find his groove etc. If it's not working now, will it ever?

I don't think 6 months too soon to introduce your kids! Part of it is to see if they get on and gel.

You are finding out sadly that they do not and he is struggling. Maybe if they were older if would not be so much of a issue but your children are still very young.

My boyfriend who I been with for 6 months gets on really well with my DD (6) he has no kids of his own either but is really natural with my DD and finds her hilarious.

I would be very concerned in your situation, I would be reconsidering the relationship.

Just leave him, no man is worth all this angst, you must have spent ages on Mumsnet this weekend when you could have been having fun with your children and your boyfriend. I think you are seriously over invested in this relationship, you’ve only known him six months & your children are waking up to find you in bed with him? How do they feel about that? Either finish with him or just date him without involving your children.

I seem to be alone here, but I think that saying "oi, stop splashing me" isn't parenting at all - I would guess that if he were with a mate who was mucking around and splashed him then he'd say exactly the same thing, and that would be between equals.

You’re not alone BestZebbie

I’d certainly expect for anyone to tell my DD at 6 that she needed to think of others. Teachers have to do this all the time otherwise a class of 30 kids would be chaos.

It's not just the splashing, it's his overall approach and attitude. I can't see it working out of after 6 months there's this basic incompatibility.

He has stated that he WANTS to discipline your kids, even when told that he will not be. Creepy.

Enough of the handwringing, just keep him as a casual boyfriend, you barely know him, he is not a ‘step parent’ or ‘partner’, don’t force your choice in boyfriends onto your kids, keep your love life separate and there won’t be these issues.

The puddle splashing is one example. It’s just constant negativity and telling off. The one benefit is that it’s bringing out my positivity and fun side, but that’s not enough to counter the potential harm of the kids constantly feeling and being told they are doing something wrong.

Whoever mentioned the lack of fun is absolutely right. It’s joyless. For all of us.

I wonder whether we can go back to something more casual. I originally typed “he wouldn’t like that”...and then I realised how awful that sounded.

Yes, the kids have to come first.

Time to take your poor kids home and say goodbye to this miserable ball of negativity who is bringing nothing to your life. Don't be so desperate for a relationship that you'll settle for this crap.

I don't understand why you expected him to say thank you for you getting up with your kids

multiplemum3 if you had guests would you expect to have a lie in whilst they got up? I certainly wouldn't. I'd be getting up and doing breakfast for everyone and thereby making them feel welcome in my home. Turning his back and going back to sleep gives the clear message that they are not welcome and that he is very rude.

I can't fathom why you thought this trip was a good idea. Taking your DC to stay with him in a new place when you've only been together 6 months?! It might've been his idea but they're your kids and it wouldn't have happened if you'd said no.

Perverse things are great when it’s just the two of us. So he does bring a lot to my life. But, of course, half of the time I’ve got my kids with me. And if that doesn’t work, it doesn’t matter how well we get on as a couple.

This might not go down well but it’s my experience. Moved in with partner after six months with my then five year old son as they got on BRILLIANTly...
Fast forward three years and they can hardly spend any time in the same room together. We’ve tried to blend as a family and it hasn’t been successful. I fell in love and thought because he got on with my son that everything would work out beautifully. It hasn’t. Now I have to try and keep them separate or be a bloody referee and we haven’t even reached teen years yet.
This probably won’t be what happens to you but I would warn you to tread carefully especially as my partner didn’t show any signs of frustration until a year into living with my son.

@MissyEmRain that's why you don't move a man you barely know in with your child. You know that living with a man who can barely tolerate him will be really damaging for him?

Missy what went wrong?

First year was fine, had family days out etc. Both seemed happy enough. My son is not easy, my parents have helped me raise him while I worked as a single parent and they’ve spoilt him. He can be demanding and had tantrums when I first met DP. At first DP said he didn’t feel he would ever be able to tell my son off. But as time has gone by and my son NEEDS telling off then he obviously has to tell him off.
I love my son, but he’s no angel and that’s partly my fault I haven’t been as tough as I should have been. At nine he is actually a much better behaved kid, whether my DP has helped by having consequences for rule breaking or whether son has just grown up I don’t know. But DP just says he doesn’t ‘enjoy’ the hard bits of parenting and doesn’t get any joy when my son is actually behaving. He thinks my son is manipulative, he is smart which means sometimes he does try and manipulate situations , but things have become where my DP now thinks my son actively tries to push his buttons. They just clash now, although both do try and get on for my sake.
DP says he feels under pressure from me to be perfect ‘stepdad’ but that he has a dad etc. My DP s always says that his dad was a step parent and that he didn’t always get along with his stepkids when they were growing up and going thru difficult phases but that now they get on brilliantly, so he kind of holds on to that hope. It’s like he’s just lost all patience, he also seems depressed which he’s promised to get help for.

Also, things are brilliant when it’s just me and my son or just me and my partner which is why I’m looking at flats to buy so I can separate them physically

MissyEmRain what a miserable situation for everybody. Why on earth are you still with a man like that? Do you not think you and your son deserve to have someone in your lives that complements you and adds something to your family unit and is actually part of that family unit. You should never have to keep your child and partner separate. That speaks volumes.

I mean I know the situations bad that’s why I’m on here :-(

I thought I would throw my tuppence in because three years ago I actually would never have believed things would go so downhill for us. I genuinely believed we had found a wonderful man and would be a family and this would be it. I just wanted to warn OP that if there are warning signs now, I would run.

@missy why aren’t you running now then? Why faff around with separate flats? Just dump him for goodness sake.

missy is taking steps to get away, good plan.

OP what screams out from your posts and the main thing I learned from my exh is not to do a relationship where it is all about him All about him and what he wants. A massive no-no

I premiums Missy feel she has invested so much time and effort already she feels that can't go to waste, someone on here had a phrase for this, it made so much sense, women should not be afraid to throw the towel in as soon as the penny drops. Can someone remind me of the phrase?

Presume