DP struggling with my children

[trytrytrytry]

DP and I have been together 6 months. We have spent a lot of time together without my children (9 and 7, 9yo has ASD), and the two of us get on really well. He has met my children a few times, and in the few hours that they have been together in the past they have all got in fine.

However, we are spending a few days away together, and he is clearly struggling. He doesn’t have children of his own, and he is getting really short with mine. They aren’t naughty, but they do make mistakes, and they do do stuff without thinking about the consequences (stepping in puddles that then splash other people, for example). A lot of his interactions with them are negative, and it feels like he is telling them off all the time.

I don’t know how to help with this. I understand that it must be hard for him to suddenly develop parenting skills when he isn’t used to it, but he is usually such a calm, gentle man, and this is a side of him I haven’t seen before.

Help!

We are at the zoo. With another family who have 2 girls, younger than my two. He talks to them beautifully. I don’t get it.

The question is, are the girls well behaved?

Better behaved than my ASD son who is about to have a meltdown :(

His response - “Hey “child’s name”! Not. Cool. You just splashed me. That’s not ok. Don’t do that.

Are people seriously getting pissy over this?!
This is not a telling off. This is a statement. There is nothing wrong with this. I would say that to anyone.

If your child is repeatedly splashing him and you're wet blanket reply was all you were saying then he's done nothing wrong.

Maybe you guys aren't compatible. But he hasn't done anything wrong. It's absolutely abhorrent that people have labelled him as abusive.

Performing for the other parents?

Nobody has labelled him as abusive. People have said about warning signs to bear in mind in new relationships.

As I've learnt from here: look at his actions, not at his words. His actions are telling you he doesn't like your kids. Is that what you want from a relationship? A man you have to keep checking is able to cope with your children, is doing and saying the right things, on eggshells because you're worried your child might have a meltdown if your bf handles something in a bad way, always checking if everyone is ok with everyone else's behaviour and needs? Fuck that. Your kids deserve better and so do you.

No one is getting pissy over a puddle. I will write a list

• He is nicer to other children than OP’s
• He questions and calls her out over her parenting decisions after only knowing her a short time and barely knowing the children
• He feels they should receive punishments or reprimands when the OP doesn’t agree and uses other methods of communication for which she has provided her reasoning which he doesn’t agree with
• he claims he is helping the OP with discipline when she has said she doesn’t want or need him to or even agree with his annoyances
• OP is struggling with her DS behaviour due to SN and is now extra anxious because she’s aware DP has a low tolerance threshold
• he’s fun with adults and sports but ‘out of his depth’ at a zoo or a park
• I’m not hearing many compliments or enjoyment of these children Except how annoying they are

I do personally think that it may be easier to step parent across genders, woman to boy, man to girl. I don't know why i just think a man will cut a little girl more slack than a little boy.

@thighofrelief Why would their sex make any difference? And yes, sex, not gender.

I’d cut the trip short too. You say he lives in another city - I can see why you’d have to introduce your children early to keep a long dostamce relationship going.

When I started dating after having DD, I would only consider men living with a 10 miles radius!
Otherwise I’d be paying sitters more having to go to a guy’s place or even meeting him half way.
And if he came to mine after bedtime,I wanted him to live close enough he could go home before my DD would wake up.

Your new update would piss me off OP.
If he can speak more calmly to other children I'd see this again as him marking his authority. Maybe I am more cynical because I've had experience in this area.
But he knows you child has SN. He's hardly going to act like a child without is he.

How many men are your kids going to see you in bed with after 6 months? Get a grip and put your children first. Why on earth would you expect thanks from your boyfriend for letting him have a lie in?

You sound desperate to please him and he sounds like he can't stand your children. You decide who you are going to prioritise.

None of that makes him the bad guy. They could just be incompatible. It could be that OP isn't firm enough. It could be that OPs kids do walk all over her.

I'm more relaxed around other people's kids because the pressure is off.

Well said Taylor22

Of kids are kids but kids also need to be reminded that they need to consider how they impact on others. He’s not be rude or disciplined them, but been upfront. I’d have told my daughter to apologise for splashing someone else and to move away from others to continue her game. It’s no biggy to remind a child to think about others like it seems to be for many posters.

It’s no wonder we live in a society where kids aren’t always thoughtful if parents don’t raise them to be and resent it when others highlight it. Kids are self-centred until they are taught self awareness. Doesn’t mean they are bad or naughty but it requires nuturing, not ignoring.

My son has ASD so I can empathise with you over the meltdown. I would be taking him home tbh. But I'm fiercely protective of my son, and wouldn't tolerate him being criticised or corrected by anyone else.

I think you did this too soon, even for a neurotypical child it's a lot to cope with. Are your kids happy enough in this situation? If your kids don't seem to be enjoying themselves then I'd take them home. You're flogging a dead horse otherwise - it won't improve by tomorrow.

FWIW I don't think the guy is all that bad in this situation, it's the situation that's all wrong.

Yep, and any special needs should be discussed with him too and help for him to understand the dynamics.

He’s got no experience of kids, let alone kids with additional needs so he’ll need help to bring him up to speed on this. If he’s not guided then you’ll resent him and he’ll resent you and then it’s game over.

This is not a telling off. This is a statement

It’s just constant though. A constant stream of don’t do this, don’t do that. It might seem really trivial, but over the course of the day it’s so negative. My kids really aren’t that badly behaved!

Fleur your summary is about right. Especially the last bit I’m not hearing many compliments or enjoyment of these children Except how annoying they are

Sadly it’s rather similar to the dynamic with their dad. He has bucked up his ideas a bit since we separated - he’s a better dad now than he was when we were together.

He’s got no experience of kids, let alone kids with additional needs so he’ll need help to bring him up to speed on this. If he’s not guided then you’ll resent him and he’ll resent you and then it’s game over

That’s why I posted. I don’t know how to help.

You have already asked him to stop doing this directly to your DC.
I would wait until you are alone and point out to him how frequently this has occurred today and how it is making you feel very uncomfortable and that he is not hearing what you say and this is not giving you a good impression of him

The zoo is not ‘his house his rules’ so this cannot be the reason

Also do not fall into the rabbit hole of asking him to explain why he is doing this, he’s already told you why and he finds your DC annoying and you will likely get a blow by blow account he has been totting up of how wet you are and how disrespectful they are. This is not about your DP trying to find a solution for your DC when you don’t even need one, remember that. If they are inconsiderate and badly behaved then all you have is a different opinion to other people. Multiple people on here wouldn’t tolerate splashed trousers. I wouldn’t care. It isn’t about right and wrong it’s about whether you share the same views

That’s why I posted. I don’t know how to help.

I think you need a good talk about behaviour and what he expects from your children and what you are happy with. It sounds as if he expects one level of behaviour and you are happy with another. Unless you can agree on one level, then you are not compatible.

What's your instinct on this OP? Quit now or back off a bit, take the kids out of the picture a bit and see if your bf will respond to you talking about this? It sounds like something needs to change.

trytrytrytry , it sounds as if you've gone for a man who's not unlike your ex. Don't go through that again.

I think the problem is that once a person gets into the habit of constant negative talk, then it is a hard habit to break, so he really needs to stop now before he is only talking to them in negatives.
I don;t think his remark about the puddles was dreadful as a one off, but if it was the tenth time he had said 'don;t do that, Not Cool' that day then all the child is hearing is negative negative negative.

Get him to practise praising the children when they do something nice - playing nicely walking along nicely, or just things like 'it's lovely to see you enjoying yourself' when you are out or anything that is a positive comment. If he palys a game with thme get him used to saying 'that was fun, I enjoyed playing that game' just lots of positives to counteract the negatives.

I think people who aren't used to children aren;t aware of how harsh they can sound sometimes, children often get barked at and snapped at in a way that no one would ever dream of talking to adults, because they know adults would not tolerate it and would set them straight if they are rude. Children have usually learned not to talk back to adults, so if they think they are being spoken to rudely or unfairly they will withdraw or act out.

It is perfectly possible to correct a child for something silly, then immediately move on so a positive is the remebered reaction.
'Oops you splashed me - careful !, how about we have a race to that tree, winner gets an acorn' or something light hearted which shift things along.

It's a fine line - if this man is going to stay in your life, he will at times have to correct your children, but there are ways to do it that keep relationships harmonious, and he needs to understand that, and maybe read up on more positive parenting.