My husband is fat

[wingingatlife]

Ok, not morbidly. He's 5'10 and 14 stone with a huge gut, moobs and love handles and frankly I don't fancy him. He's 38.

I've tried saying things jokingly, putting us both on a diet, I bought scales to have a challenge of who can lose the most. He sits down with this giant gut and it's gross. He's got a hugely sweet tooth so tried not buying treats but that's unfair on the kids. Very occasionally he'll run or play golf but never weights or abs stuff.

Bottom line - I don't fancy him at all.

Whiskeyjar she hasn't even said that she still loves him...and as I explained before... so to fancy someone just means their appearance only?...how many of us have changed since they have become older 1 stone fatter and all of a sudden that person is completely repulsive to you...really? ...you wouldn't have sex because there's extra fat involved ...to me that's completely shallow and something else is wrong

Sexual attraction and love are completely different things

Not necessarily!

For me they are intrinsically related @ Staringcoat

In Australia we've adapted to kg for weight but still feel comfortable with imperial for height - so that's about 90kg at 5'10". That's fat, as OP so bluntly puts it, but not hugely obese. He's not going to have a huge gut or man boobs. OP's perception of him is probably skewed because she's fallen out of love with him. What can she do? Perhaps leave him if her feelings for him have died so completely.

I admit I've FF most of the thread, but just wanted to add my thought OP, we all, gain weight, lose weight, get I'll, why do you not feel okay to say to your loved one, let's lose weight! It's not rocket Science! It's you two doing stuff to make sure you are happy!!

If we're talking purely physical then some men probably look great at that weight and others don't!

If a man is that weight and 'skinny fat', as in doesn't have any muscle behind it he could be horrible and look very flabby, and it isn't nice to look at at all!

Other men can be overweight but they have muscle behind it so it doesn't look as bad or unhealthy.

There’s a lot of normalising being fat here. It isn’t generally healthy or attractive. If some people find larger people attractive fine, others don’t! If you don’t fancy him you don’t fancy him, you can’t help that. I would use nicer language when you bring it up with him but I would find being in a relationship with someone I’d stopped fancying very hard. Being intimate with them would make me feel physically sick - I’ve been there. And it wasn’t even because they got fat, I just stopped fancying them for... well, I don’t know why. I just did. I couldn’t bear them touching me. Why is it try-hard for someone to want to maintain an attractive body into their 50s? It sounds pretty healthy and driven to me. As for 65% of the population being overweight, I’ve never dated an overweight person or had trouble finding people who arent, and that’s not a statistic the country should be proud of

"I have noticed a lot of people lose weight and start looking after themselves after a break-up. Presumably to find their next partner. Why can't they do it for the partner they're with?"

Yeah they shouldnt do it for themselves or their own health.

Hi OP

I wonder if there’s more to how you’re feeling than just your husband’s weight? Is he active? Enthusiastic? Does he have energy within your relationship? Or is his weight a result of a sedentary lifestyle lacking in ‘get up and go’? I would understand how this could bring about a change in your feelings toward him...

I only wonder as I am 38 and have been with my DH since we were 16. He has gained weight over the years and at 5’9 weighs probably over 15 stone. But when I look at him I feel as tingly as ever. I don’t notice the weight. However in fairness he’s romantic and cuddly and playful and makes me feel happy and loved.

I couldn’t fee less attracted to my DH due to weight? I just wonder if that’s really just it?

Of course I don't use those words to him. This is Mumsnet - a forum - an outlet.

Of course I love him. We're married with children. But love doesn't mean I have to fancy him. We have a great relationship otherwise.

Having a bmi of 28/29 is unhealthy despite unattractive (to me). His weight is carried heavily around his middle therefore significantly increasing his risk of heart disease. What wife would I be to watch this steadily increase?

I don't know why it matters but my own bmi is 20 and I'm a size 8.

Not keen on how you've worded your op but can I suggest he has a go at Couch 2 5K. It's not about being some lean athlete or whatever that you want, it's about toning up and feeling better for himself. It really is designed for ordinary people with little or no fitness. I haven't dramatically changed nor has dh but we both carry ourselves better, fit clothes better and have better fitness levels. No we don't run together or with other people. It's a solo project we are each doing. We've already done it, had some weather and health set backs and are doing it again.
You sound a bit shallow, tbh.

I don't know why it matters but my own bmi is 20 and I'm a size 8.

It matters because you could be being extremely hypocritical. You also realise that even with a low BMI and size 8 doesn't automatically mean you are healthy I take it.

This is the 1st time you’ve mentioned concern for his health. Your original posts were all about you not fancying him.

His BMI is 28.1 so he hasn’t a got a massive amount to get rid of. In fact I remember reading an article stating that up to a BMI of 27.8 was considered ok up to the 1990s and it was only pressure from the dieting industry that changed it to 25.Dont know if it’s true.

Why not just encourage him to eat a little healthier. Although everyone’s different, frequently weight comes of the stomach first, which would be healthier for him.

Silly when did I say it did? I was just answering a question. But I do know that it's healthier than his weight.

I had a long discussion with a GP friend about this and from a medical point of view, I am very definitely not wrong.

I'm not coming back to this thread. The responses are ridiculous - from most.

I'm out.

I think it’s ridiculous that people think the OP should change her feelings.

She doesn’t find fat attractive.

End of story. I guess some/many of those replying are also a bit chubby so are wondering what their partners think. Instead of being defensive, get healthy and in shape.

End of story. I guess some/many of those replying are also a bit chubby so are wondering what their partners think. Instead of being defensive, get healthy and in shape.

Nope. Try again.

I always find it interesting how people respond to criticism.

Especially when you come on to a public forum, used by millions of different people with unique opinions, ask for advice then flounce out when they don't agree with your point of view. .

Then there are the people who take on board all the various suggestions and learn from it.

Plenty of posters have said they are.

The more sensible replies have suggested that maybe there’s a bigger issue in terms of the relationship itself. I think that’s more accurate and helpful than “how can you not find him attractive he’s not obese”

All the assumptions that the women and men who are a little taken aback by the OP's original comment are so obviously struggling with weight issues is another laughable preconception.

I'm 5'7 and 140 pounds, carrying a little around my tummy but in my late forties.

So no defensiveness here, just sadness that the OP doesn't seem to care what anyone else thinks, including her husband.

The OP doesn’t fancy her husband- it’s not something she can help.

Believeitornot

I acknowledged that in my post to her yesterday, and agreed, if that is all her marriage is based on, and they've not much else to build on then it's not surprised she finds him revolting.

*surprising

I was expecting you to say he's around 25st op! He's not even that big.

My dp weighs more than that and is only 5ft7/8 and doesn't even look a bit fat.
I think you're looking at reasons to justify something else?
Have you had your head turned?

Also my ds is nearly 16 and weighs 16st 8 and is 6ft 2 and looks skinny!
There is no "one size fits all" when describing height and weight.

I'm sorry you've found the criticism hurtful, OP. If you'd written your original post the way you did that last one, saying that you love your DH and that you're happy together but don't fancy him the way he is, then you would have had very different responses on here.

My OH is 5ft 10.5” and weighs about 11 stone 8. He’s fairly slim but when he was 12.5 stone he did look different. At 14 stone I’d imagine he would look fat. Personally I wouldn’t like it either and it may change how much I fancy him. But I’d expect he’d feel the same about me if I put on a load of weight. He may still love me but no longer fancy me as much. I don’t think it’s wrong to want someone to take care of their physically appearance, medical reasons not included obviously. If they are just being greedy and lazy, it isn’t on.