My husband is fat

[wingingatlife]

Ok, not morbidly. He's 5'10 and 14 stone with a huge gut, moobs and love handles and frankly I don't fancy him. He's 38.

I've tried saying things jokingly, putting us both on a diet, I bought scales to have a challenge of who can lose the most. He sits down with this giant gut and it's gross. He's got a hugely sweet tooth so tried not buying treats but that's unfair on the kids. Very occasionally he'll run or play golf but never weights or abs stuff.

Bottom line - I don't fancy him at all.

OP, ignore some of the harsher posts. Perhaps they feel embarrassed as they are overweight themselves? You can't help how YOU feel about YOUR husband.

Attraction is an important part of any relationship and as this is something he can control, it's worth raising it with him in a diplomatic way. If my partner stopped washing or brushing his teeth, I'd also raise that. There's a difference between something happening TO you to change your appearance such as a miscarriage, mental illness, medication or an accident and something you do TO yourself, such as over eating.

As he CHOOSES to over eat and its affecting your attraction, it's worth bringing this up.

I don't think it's shit of you etc etc etc to not fancy someone who has let themselves go...that, in itself, to answer a PP, is a character flaw.

Wow, just wow, ‘character flaw’, are you for real?

People can't choose whether or not they fancy someone so I don't think OP should be criticised for that. I am attracted to slim men and DH is now obese and yes it has affected how much I am attracted to him. However I still adore him and would never use words such as 'gross' to describe him, I don't think that's an acceptable way to talk about someone you love.

DH is now losing weight, at the end of the day he wants to grow old with me and see grandchildren etc. I think approaching it from a health angle is the way to discuss it.

When you get into a relationship, you owe it to your partner to take care of yourself. I don't understand people who totally let themselves go (BY CHOICE) not because of pregnancy, illness etc, and then complain that their sex life has suffered. Of COURSE it will. People owe it to themselves as well as to their life partner to take care of their health and appearance.

I agree with a poster who said most people sort themselves out when newly single to attract a new partner. Letting yourself go in a relationship suggests complacency, apathy, boredom and a lack of self-respect.

Again, I am not talking about normal lulls connected to pregnancy, mental illness etc etc. These are things that can happen to a person. But when someone chooses consciously to over-eat, not wash, not exercise, not eat well etc, and then wonders why there partner goes off of them. It's being naïve.

OP 63% of the UK population is overweight. 27% are obese. Clearly people are touchy about the subject if they fall into this category themselves.

No advice, but sympathy and letting you know that it's OK to find someone physically repulsive, I wouldn't find the man you described attractive either.

No one is criticising the OP for how she feels, we all have our preferences. I've said that for me it's important for a man to be clean shaven and well groomed. It's the way she talks about her DH, describing him SS 'gross' that I find distasteful. It makes me think she doesn't love him anymore, despite her protestations. In which case, it would be better to be honest about that.

You can find a partner physically gross if they are over-weight, don't wash etc, it doesn't mean you don't love them. As long as she doesn't say to HIM that she finds it gross, this is just an anonymous forum and OP is clearly exasperated.

That's a bit rude to post on here. I'm nearly 30, overweight nearly 11st loadsa cellulite and stretch marks (from pregnancies) sometimes I feel like my Mr isn't attracted to me, but I'd be mortified if he posted it online or mentioned it to someone IRL!

With all due respect, mumma, your situation has nothing to do with OP's. She is allowed to post about her life and her feelings, even if it 'offends' you. Don't click on the topic if it makes you feel bad. You are invalidating how the OP feels because you choose to be offended.

we all have our preferences

Sexual attraction isn't a preference.

mumma, you'd only be mortified if you found out about it.

MN is fairly anonymous in terms of allowing people to name change, so I think the chances of the OP's DH finding out about this thread are fairly minimal.

He's not morbidly obese though is he.

Sure, you have stopped finding him sexually attractive but are you saying that's the only reason you're with him?

Personality?
Generosity?
Charisma?
Warmth?
Kindness?

When you've committed to someone then if it was only based on sexual attraction then I'm not surprised you don't fancy him anymore.

That's not his issue, but yours.

Bloody hell wouldn't trust that bmi bollox at all I'm 5ft 7 and 13 stone something it put me at obese.. however I have hips a smallish belly and thick thighs but a slim waist abit like the kardashian figure, my arse is massive but in shape and my dh loves it. I do love and enjoy being curvy.. but if my husband had a huge tummy and man boobs I don't think it would be something I'd be attracted too anymore.

Wow. I'm massively overweight after having to take Steroids but my other half loves me for who I am. I don't care if he gets to be bigger than me - even if I'd always been slim & attractive - I will ALWAYS love him.

You're married right? What happened to your vows? "In sickness & in health...or until you become one stone over the NHS guidelines - then I'm off!" 

His BMI is 28 so although overweight he’s not obese or morbidly obese.

What’s your BMI?

% body fat is probably a better measure along with hips/waist ratio.

Why do people always get so angry at honest feelings. ?

Sexual attraction and love are completely different things. !

I am obese. I am not sexually attractive to my DH. He met me when I was a 8/10 and now thanks to anti-depressants prescribed for insomnia + steroids for a poor immune system I am a size 22. He doesn't fancy me . Hell - I don't fancy me. I don't want to look at myself naked let alone subject my blubber to someone else's gaze. It's (to me and him) not attractive. That hasn't got anything to do with love. He loves me. I love him. He is understanding that sex is off the agenda at the moment.

Sexual attraction is not connected to love. If it was then people wouldn't be making babies with feckless wasters that they barely like !

The thing that would concern me would be his disinterest in doing anything to change things to get back to what he and you find attractive. That isn't exclusive to being slim. It's related to what you both find attractive. There are plenty of people out there who prefer fatter partners and becoming too skinny is a turn off.

For me - I hate being obese having always been slim. So I'm finally at the end of the endless NHS pathway for a Gastric Bypass. I am doing something to change things to make us both happier and able to get sexual intimacy back. That's what is important. The fact that he cares to improve things for you as a couple.

As ever. The secret is in good honest communication.

What is your bmi op? Have you changed too?

I personally think that if you stop feeling attracted to someone it's usually indicative of something more profoundly wrong with the relationship than merely weight gain / change in appearance.

Is everything ok otherwise OP?

my son who is about the same height and weight he is 20years old and training to be a pe teacher .
To me this isnt that big at all maybe a stone needs to be lost but not a big deal ,think maybe you just dont want to be with him maybe your romatic feelings are gone x

I get you OP. I'd feel the same.

I'd also understand if was a post from a man about a female spouse/partner.

Fantastic post Kittens.

The thing that would concern me would be his disinterest in doing anything to change things to get back to what he and you find attractive

So OP would be fine with a long list of things her DH doesn't like about her? Would she be ok about him using the same disdaining tone she has? I doubt it.

It's not that she doesn't fancy him anymore it's the way she descibes it that for me is an issue. They aren't just words.

For anyone saying she shouldn't be using that language to describe him- she isn't saying it to him fgs! She's speaking her mind openly and anonymously and can't help that she feels this way. She obviously loves him as she is worried about this

Her description of her partner is indicative of how she really feels...he's gross, with his giant gut and moobs..you can hear the disgust and I'm sure he can perhaps feel this too.

To me it's sad that 1 stone of weight on your partner can make you feel like this about them

@MistressoftheYoniverse you can't help what you find attractive and what you don't. She isn't saying she has stopped loving him but she simply doesn't fancy him as he has changed in appearance to something she doesnt find attractive. If my husband gained lots of weight I could easily see myself feeling the same as OP and I know it would be the other way about if I was to become overweight. I know he would still love me and vice versa but it would definitely change the relationship slightly as neither of us would want to rip each other's clothes off anymore