did your marriage begin life as an affair?

[thinkingandsad]

Yes of course I have changed my name for this.

That's it really. Were you married to someone else when you met your current partner and were they married too?

Has it worked out and would you do it again?

How did you go through the process of getting together and breaking up your families?

Why are you sad?
Did you do this, or did someone do it to you?

Not married no, but in a long-term relationship yes, on my part.

Luckily, ex-p ended it on the same day i was about to end it with him as my heart belonged to now DH.

No I met my dh the night he finished with his girlfriend and waited until I was sure they were not getting back together before I encouraged him - although I did make it perfectly clear that I was interested if he was free

Yes but I didn't have children with my ex husband. I am incredibly happy with my DP, but I still wish it hadn't started the way it did (husband does not know but it was still very horrid and stressful time and I felt like a complete shit, as indeed I was). I was very miserable with ex and had tried to leave him way before DP came along, so I knew it was not just a 'oooh exciting new relationship!' which seemed better than old stale one, which is an important point to consider I think.
I hope you are Ok.

thank you everybody. I am thinking of doing this. But I have small children
My husband and I dont get on

The fallout is huge so think long and hard. If your marriage is so bad why not leave anyway? It is the lies and deciet that are the worst part of it all. Dont try and justify your behaviour on the fact that he does not make you happy anymore. Lying and cheating and knowing that you are going to hurt someone elses life is entirely up to you and it is you that will need to live with that if you do. However horrid someone is to you they do not deserve to be treated so badly.

That sounds like i am judging you - i am not but i think you know that what you are doing is wrong and you are not proud of it by the sounds of it but are looking for support.

Do the decient thing and end one relationship first if its what you truely want, it sounds as if you are being weak in that you will only leave if you know you will not be left on your own.

you are not alone.
one in three have affairs,
don't know the statistics for staying with person you left one for.. who knows..

statistics are not very high for it working out in an post affair realationship. People enjoy affairs because it is a fantacy world they get wrapped up in and usually with people they wouldn't choose to have a realationship with in any other way iykwim.

It is an escape. lets face it if you are having an affair The woman is not nagging you to bath the kids, cut the grass or put the toliet seat down. The man is not leaving the seat up and you don't have to go around picking his pants and socks off the floor. As soon as a real realationship begins then bring on all these other things. The excitment has gone and there you have it.

My dad left us all when he had an affair and he got married to her.I just don't know though it was started with lies. they did last for a few years and then guess what? She had an affair on him. He still regrets leaving my mum and losing it all.

Guess I am saying is I think the reason you are asking is because this isn't sitting comfortable with you is it?

Think carefully and if you are unhappy leave anyway but be on your own for a while.

Both me and DH were married to other people when we started our affair and we both had children, not babies and not grown ups either. Anyway our affair lasted two years until the opportunity arose for us to get together. A year later we were married and 13 years on could not be happier. We were both married for 12 years before getting divorced so now have been married to each other longer than we were married to the others if that makes sense. It was the best thing we could have done both for ourselves and our children.

Yes both DH and me were in other relationships when we starting seing each other. Four Dcs between us all a similar age.

Together 8 years now (married for 5) and very, very happy. Maybe it helped that our Dcs were similar ages ranging from 8 to 15 at the time we got together that they had interests in common. You need patience and tact by the bucketload as it is your choice not theirs.

It can be done but you have a fairly long and most likely rocky road to travel. I am not proud of how our relationship started but I honestly have no regrets.

Agree with BK, it you are that unhappy finish your marriage anyway. If it is meant to be with the om then it will work out. If not, being on your own is far, far better than being in a bad relationship ime.

you are all great and have given me food for thougt.

I know what I have to do/

My partner and I are in the middle stage of this situation... both still married and officially still living with partners but we've been having an affair for 1.5 years now. Both us us have small children, and this is really what is slowing down the process of 'moving out' ... We have been talking for many months now to our official partners about moving out and getting divorced but it's a tough and very drawn out process. If it wasn't for the kids, it would all be much swifter and a hell of a lot easier... So reading Badpuppy and Tigersmum's contribution was quite heartwarming as the general consensus seems to be that relationships that started as affairs are doomed. I really don't think that HAS to be the case... Of course you have to think about WHAT the affair is all about... if it is just a bit of excitement you are after, or attention seeking and if you still have some common ground in your marriage and some elements which 'connect' you outside of your kids, then it's probably not going to be a 'lasting' affair... In my case, my marriage had been rocky for years, and in a way the affair has made me realise how bad it had been... The saying 'you don't realise how big the hole is until it is filled' is certainly true for me... I've never had a deeper or more complete relationship with anyone than the one I have now and we are both completely committed to making it work for us and the kids, despite all the issues that come with it.... So I'm going to take the plunge and give it my best shot. Certainly not 'proud' of cheating or having an affair and feeling an awful lot of guilt for the hurt that's been caused...

Good luck!

He was married. I wasn't.

Long, immensely painful, hugely costly but it's worked out and we're all happy now

thinkingandsad - yes, it's very difficult to break up a child's family. I think this is the real crux issue.

But you know what - the children can be happier afterwards. Very surprising, but true. Children are immensely adaptable and often their lives become more interesting and their parents more involved with them after divorce.

One common reason marriages break down is because the relationship isn't going anywhere and the couple is just cohabiting. This can have a major effect on the way they bring up their children, as the failure of the relationship means that they don't get properly involved in the lives of anyone in the family.

Once parents are in a new, much more dynamic family, the children get caught up in this too.

I have changed my name for this too. If you want more advice or support, you can CAT me.

married no, engaged yes

would I do it again? No becuase I am with DH now. But I would do what I did agin, yes. It was the right thing at the time. Ended it really quickly after meeting DH though, cant do proper affairs.

Being in the middle of an affair as well as a marriage breaking down is hugely confusing and draining.

One of the questions I have asked myself is 'would I be leaving my marriage if it wasn't for the affair, if I would end up on my own?' ... In my case, the answer is yes.

Does it guarantee that the affair will last? No. But there aren't guarantees any relationship will last, whether they start off 'properly' or otherwise...

we were both married to other people, no children though and both quite 'young' marriages, under a couple of years each. we got together, both got divorced and had three beautiful children.

karma came and bit me on the ass when he fucked off with someone else (hatehatehate!) and he then screwed around on her and left her and their child.

leopard, spots etc.

Trueblue, Why are you still 'officially' living with your partners. Can you really believe what he is telling his partner anyway?

I am still in the process of rebuilding our marriage after his affair, he did leave and start to make plans to live with the ow. I have even seen emails to that effect. I am sure she felt like you did now that he would leave me and our children, but he still hasnt and we are slowly working through it - (he never wanted his marriage to end, which is why he continued to lie to me for months).

An affair is baised on lies and i personally think that the parties involved sometimes just dont know where the lies end. It is emotionally draining trying to keep up both lives. Who are you really doing it for anyway? Your children - well they will thank you when you leave a trail of destuction and probably a very bitter partner in the process! An affair is just not the way to do it, sorry i sound so prudish because actually i am not. I just think that we should all be more decent to each other in general.

Of course relationships end and it is painful but we surely owe it to ourselves to do it the way we would want it done to us.

You already know he is capable of lies so you are at least at an advantage to his partner - or do you really believe he could never lie to you?!!!

hurtwife - affairs and marriage breakdowns are an incredibly sensitive topic.

I understand that you are having a terrible time and I am very sorry for you.

However, the OP was looking for advice from people whose marriages had begun as affairs in order for her to try to assess her way forward (and, who knows, she may decide not to go through with this, on the basis of what she hears).

If you want to engage in a conversation about the rights and wrongs of affairs, can you please start another thread? Affairs don't all leave a trail of destruction and hurt children. Don't make the OP feel worse than she already does.

I was just saying that affairs in their very nature are based on lies. I have friends who have been in affairs and have supported them - they dont feel good about what they did and wish they had the courage to do it differently - although it did break up the marriage. If they are both in a bad relationship then get out quickly if that is what everyone wants.

I am not trying to make anyone feel bad but sometimes i think the truth needs to be said. I read an article that said that because women tend to be driven by emotions that an affair of a woman is usually deeper and she has already 'left' emotionally her partner whereas men tend to be the 'have it all' type. I know this is gerneral but anyone that is looking for advice should be aware.

I am sure there are many couples who have started as affairs but equally i suspect there are a fair few op who now wish they had not believed everything they were told.

Sorry if i have upset you this was not my intention just my point of view and as you can imagine it is still very fresh and raw - but still the reality. The ow in my case is now cursing herself (as well as me no dout - though what i have done to her i dont know)

I can honestly say I don't know any children including myself who have blossomed and not suffered due to one parent having an affair and leaving the family unit .People who have affairs are not always in crap relationships that are depremental to children. That is just what the other women are lead to believe sometimes.

Infact hurtwife has been through so much and i have been on her threads too. I think her post was non judgemental and was maybe helpful to OP.

Maybe somone should start a thread asking how well we all coped when our parents had affairs and broke up our families, even when the parents went on to marry their lovers and be happier?

Because while I would never say you should stay in an unhappy marriage where the children were at risk, I think it's hugely naive to suggest that children's lives are better ("more interesting"?!!!) as a result of the affairs.

Sorry Artemisiag, not having a go at you personally. I just think that children suffer very long term psychological consequences in these situations - often starting with, Daddy hates Mommy, which side am I on? It just gets shittier from there.

It may be that you haven't received any advice so far because there really isn't much that anyone can say apart from it's very very far from easy and a lot of people will get hurt.

Thanks Bk for your vote of support. I remember at one point my H said he thought he would have a better relationship with the children!! I hope he now sees that would not be the case.

Children do survive all sorts of shit but that is no reason to carry on doing it.

If the affair is truely because both marriages are over then fine - but they should both have the balls to carry it through.

We need another thread asking how many men do actually leave their wives despite promising they will?

I have 2 friends where this has been the case. Only in hindsight have they seen their error.

Hurtwife, I can see your point completely... If someone came to me and said they were having an affair with a married man who was still living with his wife and promising to leave her, I would also have serious questions and concerns.

However, having spent the last 1.5 years in an 'affair' and reading all the threads here on mumsnet from every angle (from the hurt wives side and the people 'committing' the affairs) I can only conclude that nothing is set in stone when it comes to why people are having an affair or as to what the outcome is... Of course I agree that an affair is essentially wrong, but they do happen for whatever reason and most of us who are in an affair are trying to get 'out of it' and sort things out one way or another...

Personally, I don't ever want to embark on an affair again and I know my partner has no intention either as it has been hell for everybody involved. I know there are men and women who get a kick out of chasing and having physical or emotional affairs, or who want to have affairs and at the same time carry on with their home lives as normally as possible but not everybody who has an affair is like that...

To be honest, when we started out, we both were trying hard to compartmentalize our lives too, and we tried 'just to have an affair'... but we were crap at it. And of course having an affair does not 'improve' your relationship at home, but we have both concluded that the affair was not the real cause of our marriages failing, that the affair may have sped up the process but that it was bound to happen anyway, whether it was in a year, or 5 years' time....

We both have been living a lie for a long time now and to assume it will never happen again, or that he would never lie to me, would be naive. On the other hand, in trying to make a decision or whether we should leave our marriage or not, and on whether to carry on with our relationship, we have both done an awful lot of soul-searching and I think we know ourselves a lot better now. We know what works for us, what we find important in a relationship, and perhaps even more important, we are so much more aware of the pitfalls in a relationship, the slippery slopes... One example is that we are a lot more open with each other than we ever were before and we will never leave frustrations or small disagreements to fester as we did in our marriages where we 'put up' with things (nothing huge but still points important to us) for years, just because we thought we could put them aside, because we told ourselves they weren't that important in the big scheme of things, 'nobody is perfect' etc.... Years go by, and you talk less and less about the things that are important, because you feel you are not getting anywhere with it, and at some point you realize you have grown into 2 completely different people with very little in common... So in terms of how 'sure' I am that the affair will work out? I am not, but I know I know myself a lot better and I will pick up any signs of 'trouble' a lot faster than I ever did in my marriage, and I know my partner will too... At the moment, I am not looking for 'lifelong' guarantees as I know damn well how awful it can be to be in a marriage which is meant to be for life when it really isn't working... So I really hope this relationship works out, and I will do my best to make it work, and hopefully we will live 'happily ever after' but I know there are no guarantees...