did your marriage begin life as an affair?

[thinkingandsad]

Yes of course I have changed my name for this.

That's it really. Were you married to someone else when you met your current partner and were they married too?

Has it worked out and would you do it again?

How did you go through the process of getting together and breaking up your families?

Janet, might be best to start your own thread, so we can help without having to trawl through a very old one. Just click the start new thread button under the Talk heading at the top.

Oh, I see, is this a continuation of old issues? Sorry if I've misunderstood.

Janet I remember your story very well.
How long have you known you are pregnant? How far on are you?

Hi Janet, I haven't caught up with your story - but I wanted to say I am so sorry you're in this position. I became pregnant by a married man, a long time ago...kept the baby but the fallout wasn't great.

If you want to talk, you can CAT me - I may not have any answers but can sympathise and tell you what I wish I had done differently, etc. if it helps at all just to know you're not alone x

and start a new thread if you want to - you sound so desperate, I doubt many people will judge you.

hi me and dp had 8 week affair then i left my husband, and 6 weeks later moved in with dp, at the time dd was 18 months old and 1 thing that made me go for it was, dd very young and wont remember it much and if im doing this now im so unhappy i know it will come around again if i stay.
3 years on we are still together and have 16 month old son.
Its been an incredibly hard journey and is still not over, i still have huge guilt and if our relationship has a bad patch i instantly wish i was back with ex husband and sometimes i wish i had never met dp, it has affected my dd as she still sees her dad for 3 nights of every week but if i had left when she was older i think she would of been much more affected. We are still together and i think we will make it, but i will never repeat what i did to me, my daughter or my ex.

I would very much like to hear about your experience in a similar situation.
I don't expect to find anwers. Tbh regardless of what happens the fallout is not going be pretty.
I think there is still some shock and denial going on, it really doesn't feel real.
I'm finding it difficult to even say exactly what I'm feeling right now, it's strange.
I haven't told anyone yet. Friends with the best intentions and too many opinions are not what I need right now, I'm having enough trouble with this myself.
I'm about 5 weeks along, very early days.
I refuse to put him or what is best for him first, that's one thing I know.

Janet

glad you came back. One thing I will say right now is that I took the same position, ie refused to put the man's wishes before the life of the baby.

He became angrier than I had ever known him and was pretty cruel when I wouldn't have a termination.

I hope this isn't what happens with your partner, because it's very painful - but then I knew that I would never have an abortion and I knew I'd sooner lose him than the baby - I had already lost a lot of respect for him, before it got to that stage.

It's a very strange position to be in and I am thinking of you.

Janet so glad you are back.
Stating the obvious.
It's not about him, it's about you and whether you want to go ahead and have this baby.
No doubt you can do it, alone, if you want to/have to.

Bit shit of OM to say he does not want the baby

He said either way he does not want to end things with me.
He was quiet upset and said he wished i would stop saying that he really does know what he wants. He's 'in love' with two women and if we end up together a baby would be at the top of the list but not like this.
He is not angry. I think we are both still in shock. There are no symptoms as yet so it doesn't feel very real.

This will lighten the mood: I was actually at the gum clinic for an std screening when i found out. Would I have prefered syphilis??
Thing is, we went and had a sperm test done 18 months ago and found out he has very low sperm count,poor motility and low volume so it's almost a bloody miracle this happened at all!

If anything I made it clear to him that now he has given me his opinion this has nothing to do with him. From that moment it became my issue. He was very upset, he wants to support me etc but I'm just not 'feeling it' if you know what I mean?
I don't doubt that he loves me, I know though that his commitment is to his wife and he is where he needs to be. No matter how much he says he doesn't know what to do I cannot acceptthat as meaning anything to me. Until the situation actually changes (and I am not holding my breathe) I am acutely aware that I'm doing this alone.

I don't expect this to make any difference, who knows? I've got a funny feeling it will make them try harder in their marraige

Janet.I know you love this guy but he does not come across well at all in your postings. If he is not prepared to be with you and baby what right does he have to be upset ?

and what does "end up" together mean? He has a CHOICE. He can be with you now. Seems he wants to stay with his wife but have you as back up if she finds out

Did he have a sperm test done with a view to having a baby with you or his wife?

with me, she is past children.
I don't think I'm so much back up as 'as well as'.
She will not leave him, as for his choice, that is just that, his choice.
He is upset about the damage he has caused to all involved due to his irresponsible behavour (or at least that's what he says so lets give him the benefit of the doubt).

As far as I'm concerned he has no rights, whatsoever.
I was expecting the whole thing to be swept under the rug but he has said he has been thinking about when to start telling people.

Frankly , who he tells, how, when or why is of no consequence to me. Maybe that sounds harsh but I just do not consider him an issue in my life no me in his - baby or no baby.

We may have caused this together but I will deal with it my way in my time and do what is best for me.
Right now the best thing for me is doing nothing.
I never expected him to leave and be with us.

Please excuse HUGE denial going on here

A very close friend of mine is currently married to her childhood sweetheart. They had been together at school, then both married other people (best friends confusingly enough). However they then 'ended up' back together despite being married, getitng divorced and marrying each other. In many respects this sounds bizarrely romantic, apart from for her it is a nigthmare. They have been together for years, and despite claiming her as his soul mate he cheats all over the place...internet dalliances, workplace romances, affairs lasting years...even to the point of taking OW on holiday with hyim and leaving my friend at home.

She is miserable as sin but can't bear to leave or even complain that much. Why? Because she is worried that people will judge her for having double standards given that she was the OW once. She feels she 'got what she deserved' and shouldn't be surprised cause he was a cheater all along and that is how they got together.

Personally I can see her point to an extent, but I also think she, like anyone, has the right to expect to be treated with respect and fidelty.

That's like saying 'oh it's karma, what goes around comes around'.
Bollocks to that, just because she made a mistake (as have I) doesn't mean she deserves to spend the rest of her life being punished or punishing herself.
If she is happy to stay and ignore then fine, if not, maybe get some help to deal with the guilt she is feeling and move on and be free.

No one deserves to be punished. Mistakes/accidents, it's part of life. Living and learning. Ultimately it's up to us to make ourselves happy.

comesdirectfromthemouthoffoolishpersonwhohasmadeplentyofmistakesbutrefusestolivewithregr ets

janet, you are lovely

Have you decided whether to keep the baby?

Does he still want to support the baby but remain married?

Does his wife know that he is still seeing you? Perhaps it's not a case of her being happy to stay, maybe she is unaware you are still in his life ? Does she know about the baby?

Just that you said earlier in the thread "It took me some time to get the courage to explain that I didn't mean 'like this'. I already had 2 kids with a deadbeat dad and why would I bring another one into the world who actually chose not to be around" and I wondered had this view changed at all or are you now happy to have him support you but not be with you?

he says he doesn't know if he wants to be married, that is his and has been his biggest issue for some time now.

The last she knew 'officially' was around April last year, since then it is supposed to have been over, as it was the three other times she found out.

Things cooled some time ago, I just didn't feel I wanted to be in this position anymore. Too much pain, I felt so bad about myself. Had the IUD taken out and as I do when I am at the end of or am starting a new relationship, off to the std clinic for a once over. for peace of mind, not becuase I am a loose woman who shags mingers

No, I'm not happy about it. We are not together, I'm pretty much a realist and don't expect to be a couple.
Am I happy for him to support me?
lol
I support myself.
I'm still thinking on the child support aspect to be honest. I wasn't planning on putting a his name on the birth certificate or expecting any involvment from him in any way, In fact I told him it's as simple as father unknown. I figured it would be swept under the carpet and frankly nearly fell off my chair after him saying he did not want a child 'like this' 3 days later (and I quote) 'I'm just trying to figure out when to start telling people'. WTF

Don't assume that I am ok with this because I accept it. I'm very much an all or nothing person (oh stop laughing and forget the nature of this topic for a minute) and once I had listened to his wishes I pretty much washed my hands of his 'feelings'.
Is that awful? He new what he was doing, he knew the dangers, he did it anyway, and I told him so.
Whatever happens it will be ME that cleans up this mess or lives with the consequences.
I told him that too.
Maybe I'm a little angry, I don'tknow, it's not a conscious thing right now.
I just don't really care how he feels and when he said he did not want this child it became my issue and not 'our issue'.

I will not be bullied should he choose to withold support (whether that be emotional/financial), not that I'm expecting that, god, I don't actually care.
I will hold my head high, cop the shit and get on with it, what he chooses to do is really up to him.
Does that make me happy to have him support me but not be with me?
No, I don't think so.
I blame my divorce and my thirties, I never had libido issues till then, look how much trouble it has got me into!!

please can you explain your last sentence?
What about your 30s ? what do you mean by libido issues?

lol, I meant, with ex husband I had no sex life, divorce showed me a whole new world.

My thirties broadened my horizons.

Just being silly. I'm amazing myself that I'm not all depressed etc. Not sleeping well, find it hard to turn off but other than that, pregnancy hormones are not doing me any harm as yet.
Pleased to say no symptoms. Not sure if this is a good thing or not, at least with symptons you are unable to ignore things.
Did another test, that smacks of denial doesn't it?
Still planning to keep this quiet for a while yet, it's been a week and I'm still confused as hell. Have been reading up on adoption, it's an option.
No, I don't think I'm going to terminate. It's a baby for christ sake and I'm not a child or teenager who made a silly mistake, I'm a grown woman who has been around the block enough times to know better.
It's early days anyway, another 6 weeks to get through before I really need to put my thinking cap on

wow. you sound like a strong, sorted woman. Any more communication from your lover?

Oh god, ignore my post this thread has moved on, I read the first few pages and then replied without reading to the end. Such poor form.

Hope you're ok Janet.

And in my post I meant I can see her point in terms of that is what some people might think, not that I think that...

Oh dear, foot in mouth, hopping off now...

Jasper
LOLOL
Strong and sorted?? I'm pregnant to a married man who I have been seeing on and off for more than 2 years.
But thank you anyway lol
We talked yesterday. He said he is in no way going to shirk his responsibilities. He is not going to pressure me to do anything other than what is right for me. He just said that he wanted the news to come from him not anyone else when he tells his wife, fair enough, none of my business.
We talked about adoption and how it works. We talked about what will happen after he tells her, I said I don't think she's going to be pencilling any mummy/baby visit dates into the diary and I think she will probably want him not to have anything more to do with me/us.
I said to him really, at this point, he didn't have anything else left to offer her.
He said he agreed and then went on to say that he refuses not to be involved in his childs life if I decide to keep it.
Hmmmmm, really don't see how that is going to work, the poor cow (no sarcasm there, I really mean it).
I think it's just too early for either of us to have sorted our feelings out completely, he's all over the shop, even came out with 'I never said I didn't want it'.
We decided to just get through the next 6 weeks and if we do talk again.

well, things aren't great. I started cramping last week and had a heavy bleed yesterday morning. Had a scan but it was too early to tell, they said everything lookded as it should and no obvious signs of misscarraige.

Doctor wants to do another scan, I'm just hiding out at home right now, it's all just too much to take in, am I/aren't I/what are we going to do.

This has made him realise how important his wife and marraige is to him and that he doesn't want to lose his wife but he is aware that he may not have any way of stopping that should the pregnancy progress.
He still says I need to do what's right for me and leave him to sort out the mess he has made and that whatever happens he will try to be as supportive as he can or I will let him be.
He came around today and helped me take apart the garden furniture and light fittings and pack some heavy stuff as I am moving house very shortly, reading contracts right now is just doing me in. I thought it would be awkward given the circumstance but it wasn't.

I'm just so glad it hasn't ended up screaming and shouting and blaming and disrespect. Dealing with the consequences of our stupidity is hard enough with adding all that extra pain into it.
My emotions are all over the place at the moment and it's difficult not having anyone to confide in, I tried the CAT thing on here but somehow ended up sending a mesage to myself. I'm just exhausted and confused and scared.

Anyone else started off as an affair?
I'm having trouble dealing with the guilt and yes some might say I deserve that.. and in a way I think I do too, but the logical side of me thinks I have and will be punished enough. Does it get easier? The thought of living with this feeling forever scares me.

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