did your marriage begin life as an affair?

[thinkingandsad]

Yes of course I have changed my name for this.

That's it really. Were you married to someone else when you met your current partner and were they married too?

Has it worked out and would you do it again?

How did you go through the process of getting together and breaking up your families?

NK your post moved me.
I hope it works out for you.

Why will he not leave his wife?

nula

back when we had the discussion, it was more about the sex tbh.
Now, it's more about, well, everything else.

NK it is such a hard thing. I really feel for you and hope iot all works out happily for everyone. There may well be very hard times ahead whichever way things work out.

hmmm, let's just get to tomorrow. I can think of nothing else. Stomach in knots.
What on earth do I do if he says no more dating anyone else for me but that everything is staying the same?
I know I know, stupid to jump to conclusions. I'm sure you can appreciate the state my head is in...
reaches for kids leftover Christmas chocolate, puts kettle on

any news you care to share?

We talked, agreed slowly is the best way to go. He should get his own place and spend some time on his own.
Be sure this is what we both want in the 'real world' if you know what I mean.
It all came out this morning. They are separating, they talked and agreed together and she told him to phone and tell me.
He said she asked and the way things were he didn't feel it right to lie. He said it would have happened eventually anyway regardless of me.
I told him how sorry I was, wasn't about to start asking questions at that point.
I have 2 children and a mum and a vicious ex-husband, we come from very different backgrounds. There is alot to deal with.

Something had to happen, the stress was affecting his health. He stood up and took responsibility, not any easy thing to do.
Whatever happens between him and I, he has done the right thing.
I don't know where it's going to go, I do know that I am willing to try and we now have the opportunity to do that, without all the lies.
It's a relief. Not going to re-read this post so I'm sorry if it rambles.

update:
Booked himself into a hotel for two weeks. Says he doesn't want to see anyone. He will call for a chat (assuming I want to chat-idiot)
I really don't think I have the strength for this.

wow, things have really moved on. What a painful time for you all.

It sounds like his marriage is dead in the water. If you are meant to be togetherthese things have a habit of working themselves out.
It is very hard to stay away from someone you love very much

hell, I'm in pieces right now.
My friends G ant T not helping...
My head is wrecked, I'm scared and hurt and all over the place.
I really don't know.

I have such a need to see him and am disgusted at that frankly.
I hate that I need anything from anyone. It was not an easy moment for me to admit it or feel it.
Oh hell.

It is a vulnerable and hard place to be , but don't be disgusted at yourself.You are only human. -
that's why we get into these bloomin awful messes after all

Have you agreed on no contact for a period?

Hiya

I wasn't married but I was with another person and we had been together for several years, bought a house etc.

My current parner was single.

We are still together but I found dealing with the guilt of leaving my partner quite hard and I wasn't really 'me' for a long time, particularly as I had to live with the ex for several months and then we had to sell the house.

beanie are you glad you made the decision you did? Any children invoved?

sorry haven't read the thread. I was married (without dcs) when got together with current dh. I had been trying to leave ex and got final push. It was horrible though. However, me and dh now together 10 years with ds and very happy. Its certainly not an ideal start to relationship but doesn't mean its doomed.

Luckily for me, no children. I am very glad I made the decision but it was a really hard time for me and even though I knew guilt was a wasted emotion and that geting out of the relationship I was in was the best thing, it wasn't fun at the time.

I always felt supported and loved by my partner (now my Fiance) but I think it was as hard for him having to deal with the way I was feeling at a time when he thought I should be happy.

oh - and to add, I would probably not have left if I didn't have the new man in my life. That's cowardly to admit but even though I was very unhappy with my ex for a very long time I only managed to get the courage to leave because I was falling in love with someone else who I completely trusted and loved and wanted to be with.

I didn't have a long 'affair' and I told my ex it was over as early as possible (as soon as I got physical with my new partner) because i felt quite moralistic about the whole thing and wouldn't have been able to have both things going on at the same time!

he came over last night.
Says this would have happened anyway tbh.
Told him how upset i was that he didn't want to see me.
Said she was standing in the room when he called, wanted to hear.
I said 'fuck that' basically, show my a little respect next time and leave the fucking room.
Anyway, turns out an hour later he told her it wasn't fair to do that to me. That he owed it to me to come and talk face to face.
She says she will leave him alone for the next two weeks, no contact, made a 'rule' (RULE, OH GOD I GOT ANGRY AT THAT ONE) that i should do the same.
He told her no (thank god, only seen each other twice since the beginning of Nov) and that he would be spending the night with me last night.
We talked, he's scared as hell, it's sad. I told him that I feel vulnerable and I am struggling with my own issues.
Feelings aside.
Whatever happens between him and I, their relationship will not survive. Deep down, he hasn't been happy for a long time and now that he has admitted it, kinda makes it harder to ignore.
He will be ok and happier, eventually, I feel, whatever happens.

Janet are you and NK the same person?

How are you today?

Yes we are, don't know what happened there...
Tired, frustrated.
Spent last night together. Lots of questions you know, checking each other out.
Who knows what's going to happen.
He's coming over again tomorrow lunchtime and staying for the weekend.
I know what he wants, he knows what he wants.
Whether or not he is strong enough to make the move, I don't know.
I'm just getting in as much sex in as I can 'cos who knows how much longer I will be getting it lol...
and NO (just for the record) it's not just about the sex!

love the comment about the sex!

If you both REALLY love each other and want to be together I can't see why it should not work out that way.

Or am i being simplistic?

What is stopping him just getting together with you properly? Is he trying to soften the blow to his wife?

Does she want him back?
Is he torn between you both?

Seems to be prolonging EVERYONE'S pain not to do what he wants to do..
Good luck, I really do feel for you

if you are with someone you dont want to be with leave,.simple . when you are both free then is the time to start a relationship. saves alot of hurt and heartache for everyone, and saves you from the guilt.

dsrplus8 - guilt is a wasted but natural emotion that people will feel even when they don't have an affair and even when they do 'the right thing' and leave with no one else involved.

no.

but i had affairs with married men in the past. one, i didn't know he'd gone back to living with his wife. he'd been legally separated for 2 years and had the papers to prove it.

i'm sure it can work, in the right set of circumstances.

but it's not ideal.

just so you know ,im notsnow white. after i got divorced i started seeing a man .3 weeks into i discovered he (wasnt married, but as good as)had a partner and two kids. next time i saw him i punched him square in the face and told him he was dirt. what a cunt! hate his guts, his poor family, years later i still feel shitty about that.